Step-son is a nightmare

[Sword-In-Hand]

Hi all. I'm a step-father to three children, one of whom is just a complete terror. Now I'm not meaning in a violent or threatening way, but in a disobedient (utterly) manner. I'll call him P, but P consistently treats his younger brothers like they are trash (they are from a different father), but in truth P acts like he hates them. Anytime they are all 3 in a room together a fight breaks out and P is always the one who instigates the fights. P is the type of kid who is cute, very athletic and gives off the illusion (at least to everyone but his family) that he is a perfect angel. P berates his middle brother all the time for being ugly and fat, and makes fun of the youngest for being a little slow when it comes to school work. And this is non-stop.

What's worse yet is P's disrespect for his mother. He continually talks back, always has to have the last word, and is thankful for nothing. I think that bothers me more than anything, because his mom sacrificed so much for that kid just so he could grow up and have at least a little something, but he doesn't care. He's never satisfied with anything we give him, and he's a habitual complainer. Only when I get in my "dad's voice" does he ever listen, but that never lasts more than an hour before he is back to himself.

We've tried everything aside from counselling and military school , which I almost thought was the best option. But in trying to be a Christian father and leader, I know God doesn't assign us to different parents when we act like spoiled kids, so sending him away for a while isn't an option.

I'm not gonna say that I'm at the end of my rope, but I'm sure not near the top. I dread seeing 3 o'clock roll around and I dread weekends, cause I know he'll be home. And at times I'd rather be called to stay at work rather than come home where I know he is. This has been going on for years and it's starting to get old. I hate having these feelings over an 11 year old kid, but I don't know what to do anymore. Threats don't work, drawn out talks don't work, even trying to explain to him the importance of Biblical obedience doesn't work.

But having said all that, I love P. I want him to succeed in life and be a servant for the Lord. But I fear if this attitude of his remains, then he'll be a very lonely guy growing up with little future ahead of him.

ANY advice would be great. Sorry I wrote so much, but I'm struggling here and I needed some kind of outlet.

 

[InTheFlame]

Ack - I sympathise!

First - I know you don't mean it literally, but I'd recommend watching the way you speak and think about this boy. Sometimes our thoughts and words can greatly affect our attitudes and beliefs... something as simple as describing someone as a nightmare or terror can cause relational problems, even if they never hear you do it. Note: I'm not saying you're a bad parent for thinking this way, I understand!

Second - there's a book called Boundaries With Kids (Cloud and Townsend) that I'd recommend you have a look at. It might help you find out where you could be doing better, or just plain give you some ideas for handling him in a loving, firm, consistent way.

Third - kids need limits and appropriate consequences for their actions. They also need love, and they need approval and encouragement. Providing the first lot without an obvious dose of the second lot might help the situation, but won't help the kid much. Show interest in whatever he's into (and try to limit any negative comments). Do stuff with him that he wants to do. Offer a word or three of praise when you notice him doing something right, or well. It's really, really easy to lose track of this sort of stuff, and not realise that it's not being done. I'm majorly guilty of it myself. It's got to be harder when you're the step-parent, too. What's GOOD about this kid?

Fourth - don't expect gratitude or complex rationality from kids. At that age they're incapable of empathising with another human being well enough to understand the sort of sacrifices you and your wife have made for them. And explaining the biblical theory of obedience... honestly, I think you're better off making sure there are sensible consequences for all actions, good or bad. Kids learn by application of theory far better than by theory alone.

Does the above help?

 

[Jehane]

Hi, Sword-In-Hand. I'm not a step parent but your boy sounds remarkably like my oldest son. He was a nightmare to raise for all the reasons you mention. Our boy was one of these ADHD, Aspergers, borderline autistic- bright kid who managed to pull the wool over the expert's eyes every time we took him for testing. We kept being told it was normal behaviour but it was not normal. He left home early & doesn't keep in touch but the Lord has told me in no uncertain terms that He has his hand on my son's life & he will come to Him properly in due season. This has been confirmed several times. I can't offer help or advice, only say we too have travelled this road & you are not alone. Keep praying. The lord loves your son too. Pax.

 

[BeanMak]

My oldest was pretty much the same during the 15-17 years. At 22 he has come around a great deal. Professional help is what saved us I think. Family council gave me the strength to know that what I was doing was the right thing. And I ended up having to hospitalize him when he was 16 because of he needed it. It could be depression that your son is experiencing and doesn't have the words to express it.

 

[oliveplants]

A few thoughts...

1, from Jehane's example, that sometimes children don't do the right thing even when their parents do. "Train them up, and when they are old..." But between now and "old" can be a long time.

2, How does your wife handle your help? Many birth parents really resent the stepparent having anything to do with discipline, and the children sure notice and take advantage of it.

3, Go to the marriage forum, page 2 I think, and read "When a wife is at her wits' end." Some good ideas for restoring order to a home.

4, I know what you mean.

 

[MaraPetra]

Are you sure you don't have my step-son?

He's 12 years old, and the adolescent mood swings have been very apparent for the past two years.

Lately, it's degenerated into him screaming at both his father and me, blatant ignoring of chores and/or requests, temper outbursts and urgent demands that his every want, from new things to wanting a cell phone to going to his little gf's house, be granted immediately...This little quirk is particularly annoying when he says, "I'm going to Raven's this weekend, so I won't be home." And he gets surly and angry if you tell him, "Ummm...From whom did you get permission to do so?"

This morning, his father left for a business trip at 4:50 AM. At 6:20, my darling son decided to go to school wearing pants that were sporting his lunch from yesterday. We actually got into an argument, with me first asking him, then telling him to change his pants. His response was, "I don't know where they are!"

Weary of the power play, because I was very sure I had washed the pants this past weekend, I told him if he doesn't change the pants, he won't be going to his gf's house on Wednesday. He went into his room.

When he came back out, wearing the same filthy pants, I asked him a question. He ignored me and tried to leave for the bus. I grabbed his arm...And he turned around and tried to slug me, in full view of his two younger sisters!

I praise God for years of defensive training, because I was able to throw him off balance without ever landing an actual punch. He was furious with me, and I let him go to school, with a warning that I would find his other pants.

Within two minutes of him leaving, I found all three clean uniform pants in his dresser drawers. I left them, neatly folded, on his bed.

When his father called at 7 am, I told him what happened.

After much prayer this morning, I've decided that I'm going to disconnect for a while. Doesn't do his chores? No problem! Doesn't do his homework? Doesn't faze me in the least. Doesn't want to listen? Not my problem.

Wants to go to his gf's? Not my problem. Wants to know where his GameCube has disappeared to? Doesn't faze me in the least. Wants to know why he can't do anything until his father gets home tomorrow night? Hey, it's not my problem. Can't understand why his computer password no longer works? How should I know what's wrong! Just think of me as a glorified baby-sitter; Daddy should be home tommorow night; and you two can work out these things then.

I hate emotionally disconnecting (it almost feels like passive-aggressiveness), but my alternative at this point is to force my will on the child, which will just make more ill-will. In the absence of that, I'd rather let his natural father make decisions on his welfare, and leave the consequences of the child's inaction/discipline to the father. Funnily enough, it doesn't bother me that my step-son doesn't respect me. It bothers me more that he wants everything NOW from me, without realizing that his behavior decides what extras he gets.

And yes, I know adolescence is survivable (as evidenced by the millions of adults in the world!), but I'm fast learning that these years seem to stretch on forever. At least I can pray over these things

 

[adnilgnav]

You should sit down with P and say: "You have shown many great potentials of a good son. Your mother and I would like to know why you refuse to obey us? Think about it and We will talk some more tonight."
I personally think it is easier as a step parent to take a more objective position rather than a subjective position. And i mean the object is to give him many healthy christian life skills rather than worry about him being your son. But as the father figure in P's life and his mother the strength must come from you. Have faith. You sound like a good father to your step children. Does that make any sense?

 

[limited10]

Have you tried speaking with your pastor or with the youth pastor, (if you have one at your church?) I would say that these two men could be a very valuable resource! I would also highly recommend some one on one time with your step son. Training and counseling him and even trying to have a little fun. Is it possible that he is feeling lost in the shuffle? Could it be that he, (acting out) doesn’t get as much loving attention as the other kids? Is his attention mainly getting in trouble?

Of course, many times acting out can be a way of getting attention. You can not ignore the disobedience, but maybe your approach can change?

[FONT=&quot]I would defiantly try to have someone on one time with him, as a “dad.” Just doing something fun. Try talking things out with him in private and let him know you love him. I would advise the exact same thing for mom too! Love him in spite of his behavior. He will remember how disobedient he was when he was younger AND the way you and your wife handled it. He will respect you for that! Trust God and pray[/FONT]

 

[OasisBuilder]

Hi all. I'm a step-father to three children, one of whom is just a complete terror. Now I'm not meaning in a violent or threatening way, but in a disobedient (utterly) manner. I'll call him P, but P consistently treats his younger brothers like they are trash (they are from a different father), but in truth P acts like he hates them. Anytime they are all 3 in a room together a fight breaks out and P is always the one who instigates the fights. P is the type of kid who is cute, very athletic and gives off the illusion (at least to everyone but his family) that he is a perfect angel. P berates his middle brother all the time for being ugly and fat, and makes fun of the youngest for being a little slow when it comes to school work. And this is non-stop.

What's worse yet is P's disrespect for his mother. He continually talks back, always has to have the last word, and is thankful for nothing. I think that bothers me more than anything, because his mom sacrificed so much for that kid just so he could grow up and have at least a little something, but he doesn't care. He's never satisfied with anything we give him, and he's a habitual complainer. Only when I get in my "dad's voice" does he ever listen, but that never lasts more than an hour before he is back to himself.

We've tried everything aside from counselling and military school , which I almost thought was the best option. But in trying to be a Christian father and leader, I know God doesn't assign us to different parents when we act like spoiled kids, so sending him away for a while isn't an option.

I'm not gonna say that I'm at the end of my rope, but I'm sure not near the top. I dread seeing 3 o'clock roll around and I dread weekends, cause I know he'll be home. And at times I'd rather be called to stay at work rather than come home where I know he is. This has been going on for years and it's starting to get old. I hate having these feelings over an 11 year old kid, but I don't know what to do anymore. Threats don't work, drawn out talks don't work, even trying to explain to him the importance of Biblical obedience doesn't work.

But having said all that, I love P. I want him to succeed in life and be a servant for the Lord. But I fear if this attitude of his remains, then he'll be a very lonely guy growing up with little future ahead of him.

ANY advice would be great. Sorry I wrote so much, but I'm struggling here and I needed some kind of outlet.

Does he ever admit to being wrong?
Nope.
"G" would rather eat soil than admit any fault.
I inherited this 12 year old, thrown out of Hades for being too antisocial.
It was a nightmare for 6 years.
Then one day, whilst off with his mother in her car, he had an accident.
The incident couldn't be sorted out amicably, so I was called in.
Within a minute, I said, after hearing what had happened,
"So, are you accepting responsibility then?"
Lucifers outcast said "Yes", and started to cry.
From that point on, he has grown up, and become a very nice person to know.
He will be 26 in less than 2 weeks, and is doing really well in life.
There is hope.