Step-parents

[Manna]

Hi all. I'm not a parent, but I have a quesiton for those of you who are. My fiance has a child from a previous marriage, and I've been so excited about the upcoming marriage, I had almost forgotten that I am going to become a mother the same time I become a wife! I have to tell you, that idea stopped my breathing for a few moments!

Are any of you step-parents? Or spouses of step-parents? I would love any advice available! Anything you've read, heard, or experienced would be much appreciated!

Here's the brief story so you can understand it a little: my fiance's girlfriend got pregnant, and he got saved during the pregnancy, and wanted to make things right, so he married her. He agrees that this was a horrible step, but it's not like you can take it back. So he was married to her for 2.5 years raising their son. She was not happy with commitment and filed for a divorce. Which he didn't want to give to her, knowing God's view on divorce. So she went to court without him, telling the judge that he was an unfit father and abusive husband. Therefore, he doesn't get much time with his son. When we are married he is going to bring her back before the judge to request joint custody. Right now he only has visitation rights when her parents are present. It's a horrible, drawn-out story, but that's pretty much where we stand! His son is a delight, and I can't wait for him to be a part of my family....I'm just scared out of my mind!! Again, any advice is accepted! I respect everyone's opinion!

Thank you!

 

[Reformationist]

Hi all. I'm not a parent, but I have a quesiton for those of you who are. My fiance has a child from a previous marriage, and I've been so excited about the upcoming marriage, I had almost forgotten that I am going to become a mother the same time I become a wife! I have to tell you, that idea stopped my breathing for a few moments!

LOL! I know what you mean. Parenting is such huge responsibility that it has this affect on me quite often, and I've got three children.

Are any of you step-parents? Or spouses of step-parents? I would love any advice available! Anything you've read, heard, or experienced would be much appreciated!

I have a step-son who lives with us so I have been a step-parent for about 5 years. Additionally, I have a daughter from a previous relationship that lives with us two weeks of the month so my wife has experienced this unique relationship from the step-parent perspective as well.

My best advice to you is to always seek to look at your fiance's son as your own biological child. At some point you and your husband to be are probably going to have children from your union so it is important to start developing habits now to raise up that child the same way you'd raise up a child of your blood. Children are very perceptive, not to mention naturally manipulative. They will learn quickly if they can play one parent against another so it's important that the two of you present a united front. You didn't mention how old your fiance's son is but it will be an adjustment to both you and the child. With that being the case I encourage you to allow for an adjustment period. This does not mean that you should tolerate improper behavior but it will require that you be patient and extend the child some much needed grace. Your husband may feel caught in the middle oftentimes so I encourage you to speak often and openly about issues that arise. I encourage you and your fiance to speak in depth about the issues that you'd face had this child been a product of your union, i.e., type of schooling, acceptable forms of punishment, who will be the primary disciplinarian, how the child should respect you as the step parent, etc. It is extremely important for this child to, first and foremost, respect your positional authority. That means that, despite the fact that you have not yet built a "mom-son" relationship, or maybe you have, he must adhere to your rules and your authority. Personal respect will come later if you put the time in. Also, I encourage you to seek that end (personal respect) by spending time with him, just the two of you.

Also, do your best to help the child understand the relationship you and his father have and help them to understand that you want him to be part of that relationship, not separate from it.

One very important thing for you to remember is that God has brought you and this child together and expects you to be obedient in raising him up. If you always remember that this glorious creation of God is given to you by God Himself it may be easier to deal with some of the more difficult aspects of parenting.

I wish you luck and I hope this helps. Feel free to ask more specific questions about parenting if the need arises.

God bless,
Don

 

[Manna]

Thank you so much! That was wonderful advice! He is 4 years old, and is very loving and has, so far, accepted me. But being Daddy's girlfriend and being Daddy's new wife is a whole new world for him, I understand! Again, thank you for such wonderful advice! I have to admit...it's created a little more fear, but maybe that's a good sign...? =)

I'd still love more opinions from others if they're available! Any input is welcome!

Thanks again, Don.

In Him,
Anna

 

[Reformationist]

Thank you so much! That was wonderful advice! He is 4 years old, and is very loving and has, so far, accepted me.

Make the most out of it and try not to get discouraged if that changes. Remember, as much as you want that child to view you as "mommy" it may not come that easily. The important thing is that you consistantly show him that you love him.

But being Daddy's girlfriend and being Daddy's new wife is a whole new world for him, I understand! Again, thank you for such wonderful advice! I have to admit...it's created a little more fear, but maybe that's a good sign...? =)

You know how it goes...the more something means to you the more it's going to mean to you to handle it in a godly way.

Thanks again, Don.

In Him,
Anna

By the way Anna, do you know what "manna" means?

God bless,
Don

 

[Manna]

Do I know what Manna means? Well, if you're referring to the Bible, it was the food that God gave to the Israelites while they were in the desert. Referring to my neices and nephews, it is what they call their Aunt Anna. =)

 

[Reformationist]

Do I know what Manna means? Well, if you're referring to the Bible, it was the food that God gave to the Israelites while they were in the desert.

That is correct but the hebrew word "manna" means "what is it?" Kinda funny, huh?

Referring to my neices and nephews, it is what they call their Aunt Anna. =)

That's cute. I have a sister named Tanya and I used to call her "nana."

God bless

 

[Etharia]

My niece and nephew call my mom "Manna"

The only step-parents that I know personally are a couple I used to babysit for. The husband had been previously married and had a boy and a girl. They both lived with their mom, but often came to visit. The couple had three children together and the mother tried to treat her step children just like her own. They were made to obey the same rules and were given the same privilages, plus a few because they were older. When the two children visited, they tried to do things as a family but without disrupting their normal rutuine. It seemed to work well for them and the children, now 19 and 21 both love their step-mom.