Hi folks, I mostly post in the politics section, but I could use some help from other step-parents.
A little background: I am an only child, I don't have any children of my own, and never babysat or had any interaction with young children. When I was a kid I was reading novels by the age of eight, and as an only child to working parents was required to entertain myself a great deal of the time.
My fiance and I were recently able to move to the state where his daughter, from a previous marriage, lives with her mother. We'd been planning this for years, so I'm glad we finally made it, and I love living here.
My fiance had not had much contact with his daughter for the last four years or so, as he had to move away to take a job though which he could continue to support her, and going halfway across the country often is cost prohibitive. He has gone home at least twice a year to see her though, and done his best to make it to birthdays and other special occasions. He talks to her on the phone at least once a week, and sends cards and gifts for holidays.
Ok, so now we're here and SD has been staying with us every other weekend. I find myself wanting to pull my hair out though, because although she is eight years old, she is completely dependent on us for EVERYTHING. I can't get anything done when she's here, as even if I've been playing with her for several hours, she can't do anything by herself. For instance, if I set her up with a coloring book and her pens and pencils, she will be there for about two minutes before she wants me to participate. If I don't, then she gets up and wanders around until I do. She wants me to tell her what colors to use, and where to color, etc. etc. The phrase "color it whatever color you want" has come out of my mouth at least 50 times this weekend.
She's like this with every activity, if you're not actually right there in her business, doing it with her, she can't do it. She gives up on things after 30 seconds if they're "too hard." I can't even get her to play simple computer games that are set up for 4 year olds because she gets frustrated and quits or starts crying. Keep in mind she's not learning disabled, she's actually quite bright, just completely unwilling to try.
I worry about her, as though she's eight, I have trouble keeping her from doing things like touching hot pans on the stove, or running out into the street. It's like she has no ability to think for herself. Even when I specifically draw her attention to something dangerous, like hot pans, and tell her not to touch them, and she agrees and understands, 30 seconds later she's trying to grab something off the stove. It's maddening, and I'm constantly stressed out that she's going to hurt herself. Like we have one cat that hates other people and hides. I've probably told her 500 times not to crawl under the bed to try to grab the cat while he's hissing and growling at her, yet every time she's here she does it again. You'd think a hissing growling animal would be enough of a warning, but apparently not.
I think a good portion of this comes from her home life. She and her mom live with her grandma and grandpa and her two young uncles. She and her mom share a room and a bed. Only two of those folks work, so she has people around constantly. Her mom is kind of the same way as well, if she tries something and isn't immediately good at it she'll never do it again. They don't really go out and do anything, just hang around with the family all the time. We take SD out to the mountains and fishing and bowling and to museums and try to pack in interesting experiences. We've probably taken her more places being here for two months than she's gone in the last eight years.
Anyone have any suggestions. I know that the current wisdom for kids who are attention deprived is that they're insecure and you need to smother them with attention, but literally, if you spent 23.5 hours of the day with SD, she'd cry that she didn't get the other 0.5. I can't even go to the bathroom without her banging on the door asking where I am and what I'm doing and can she come in and when am I coming out.
Help!
A little background: I am an only child, I don't have any children of my own, and never babysat or had any interaction with young children. When I was a kid I was reading novels by the age of eight, and as an only child to working parents was required to entertain myself a great deal of the time.
My fiance and I were recently able to move to the state where his daughter, from a previous marriage, lives with her mother. We'd been planning this for years, so I'm glad we finally made it, and I love living here.
My fiance had not had much contact with his daughter for the last four years or so, as he had to move away to take a job though which he could continue to support her, and going halfway across the country often is cost prohibitive. He has gone home at least twice a year to see her though, and done his best to make it to birthdays and other special occasions. He talks to her on the phone at least once a week, and sends cards and gifts for holidays.
Ok, so now we're here and SD has been staying with us every other weekend. I find myself wanting to pull my hair out though, because although she is eight years old, she is completely dependent on us for EVERYTHING. I can't get anything done when she's here, as even if I've been playing with her for several hours, she can't do anything by herself. For instance, if I set her up with a coloring book and her pens and pencils, she will be there for about two minutes before she wants me to participate. If I don't, then she gets up and wanders around until I do. She wants me to tell her what colors to use, and where to color, etc. etc. The phrase "color it whatever color you want" has come out of my mouth at least 50 times this weekend.
She's like this with every activity, if you're not actually right there in her business, doing it with her, she can't do it. She gives up on things after 30 seconds if they're "too hard." I can't even get her to play simple computer games that are set up for 4 year olds because she gets frustrated and quits or starts crying. Keep in mind she's not learning disabled, she's actually quite bright, just completely unwilling to try.
I worry about her, as though she's eight, I have trouble keeping her from doing things like touching hot pans on the stove, or running out into the street. It's like she has no ability to think for herself. Even when I specifically draw her attention to something dangerous, like hot pans, and tell her not to touch them, and she agrees and understands, 30 seconds later she's trying to grab something off the stove. It's maddening, and I'm constantly stressed out that she's going to hurt herself. Like we have one cat that hates other people and hides. I've probably told her 500 times not to crawl under the bed to try to grab the cat while he's hissing and growling at her, yet every time she's here she does it again. You'd think a hissing growling animal would be enough of a warning, but apparently not.
I think a good portion of this comes from her home life. She and her mom live with her grandma and grandpa and her two young uncles. She and her mom share a room and a bed. Only two of those folks work, so she has people around constantly. Her mom is kind of the same way as well, if she tries something and isn't immediately good at it she'll never do it again. They don't really go out and do anything, just hang around with the family all the time. We take SD out to the mountains and fishing and bowling and to museums and try to pack in interesting experiences. We've probably taken her more places being here for two months than she's gone in the last eight years.
Anyone have any suggestions. I know that the current wisdom for kids who are attention deprived is that they're insecure and you need to smother them with attention, but literally, if you spent 23.5 hours of the day with SD, she'd cry that she didn't get the other 0.5. I can't even go to the bathroom without her banging on the door asking where I am and what I'm doing and can she come in and when am I coming out.
Help!
), try to find ways to modify your SD's activities to foster the independence you desire her to have. If she requires being more guided in activities, then perhaps a color/paint by number activity book would be a good mid-step between dependence and independence for her. Encourage her to finish one picture on her own and then praise her when she does. That positive feedback will reinforce what you want and make her feel good about herself in the process. If she is still resistant, then tell her to color all the sections for even or odd numbers and you will color the others when she is done. Eventually, the goal would be to get her to complete the picture herself - but add however many steps in between as necessary to foster that independence.
