Starting over and feeling lost.

[pinkjess]

I was in a 3 year long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We never met IRL (I know, red flag) but we were very close to meeting this year before COVID kicked back up. We had been slowly losing the "spark" for a while and it was getting apparent the friendship was exhausted and fading. We became like dead weight to each other and I knew it was time to let it go.

So, I am wanting to start over. My goal isn't to find a boyfriend anymore, but to become healthy and secure emotionally and physically and to become closer to God. I do have some struggles I need to air out, though.

I'm 28 years old and struggle socially. I am basically non-verbal in public settings where I do not know anyone. It's very difficult for me to communicate and make friends with people, no matter how much I want to. I long for close and intimate relationships but struggle making it happen. I highly suspect that I may have high functioning autism and have been working on getting a professional evaluation.

I can see how and why I held on for so long to this online relationship. I was able to find the emotional intimacy I crave (however ridiculous it was) within the safe confines of a phone. I didn't have to face my anxiety and go somewhere in public or face communication challenges or deal with my speech impediment. None of that stuff mattered and I was able to freely get to know another human without the extra barriers that would normally stop me in real life.

I used to have a vision for my life that I was gonna be a single career woman who spends her time volunteering and doing stuff for God. You know, kind of like a nun only I would live among the general public and have a jobby job

But something inside of me kind of longs to have a husband. I feel sad and panicky when I think about never getting to experience human love (eros) and marriage and maybe children. I didn't have those desires until I turned 24ish. Before I was always like, BOOM I'm gonna be a kick-butt career woman who can live independently and doesn't need no man!

Of course, I want to be content no matter what happens to me in this life. I tell myself that there is more to life than marriage and I should not focus on that. I remind myself that as lonely as I may feel in this life once I get to heaven all of this will end and I will feel happy and whole.

I am currently not part of any church. I used to go to this Baptist church near my old neighborhood but stopped when I was about 22. I had plans to go back in 2020 but when COVID started I got too scared. I want to be part of a church, but with my anxiety and social difficulties I feel afraid. Plus I would be going by myself and that makes it even scarier. And another thing is, I don't want people to see how single I am and feel sorry for me or try to "fix" me. I hear stories of single Christians who deal with that a lot. And since most women my age are married/taken and/or have children, I worry about feeling left out and "different" because I am single and childfree. And to be honest, I feel hurt and jealous when I see women my age with husbands/partners/kids because I long for those things, too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want to begin learning how to thrive as a single woman in a world where marriage and getting paired up is glorified. I don't know what God's plan is for me. I want to find out, though.

Thank you for reading.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Get your head down now and REALLY put the hours into your career/passions/goals - then revisit the 'romance' in about eighteen months to two years.

Confidence and personal satiety will skyrocket in that time, and that will absolutely CHANGE every aspect of the way you see yourself.

I don't think you'd be able to cope with a relationship at this current time. And that's me being honest. I think it'd be a complete waste of time.

 

[bèlla]

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Perhaps the lesson is connection’s possible if you’re willing to try. If you allow your challenges to be a jailer they will. You need to make peace with your circumstances and stop assuming no one will look beyond them. You don’t need acceptance from every one. You need one man who loves and cares.

Get rid of the clock. This isn’t a race and rushing only leads to mistakes. You need to be in the right frame of mind to vet prospects. Taking time to heal is a must. You won’t miss out.

Go to church, fellowship, and start building connections. See if any in your area have disability ministries. Don’t settle for life on a phone or a keyboard. You’ll never feel comfortable until you stop hiding.

Seek the Lord’s will for your life. Ask Him to equip you for His plans and purposes and order your steps. Ask Him rebuild your identity and self-esteem. That should be in place first.

Develop a gratitude habit. You can find ideas on Pinterest. Get accustomed to saying thank you every day. Strengthen your prayer life and find someone to serve to take your mind off your problems.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

I posted a few prayers earlier that may be helpful. You may also appreciate the uplifting messages.

 

[pinkjess]

Get your head down now and REALLY put the hours into your career/passions/goals - then revisit the 'romance' in about eighteen months to two years.

Confidence and personal satiety will skyrocket in that time, and that will absolutely CHANGE every aspect of the way you see yourself.

I don't think you'd be able to cope with a relationship at this current time. And that's me being honest. I think it'd be a complete waste of time.

I agree with you. I feel once I get secured in a good career and advance myself I will be in a better place mentally. I will have hopefully grown as well enough to better be in a position to find a partner.

 

[pinkjess]

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

Perhaps the lesson is connection’s possible if you’re willing to try. If you allow your challenges to be a jailer they will. You need to make peace with your circumstances and stop assuming no one will look beyond them. You don’t need acceptance from every one. You need one man who loves and cares.

Get rid of the clock. This isn’t a race and rushing only leads to mistakes. You need to be in the right frame of mind to vet prospects. Taking time to heal is a must. You won’t miss out.

Go to church, fellowship, and start building connections. See if any in your area have disability ministries. Don’t settle for life on a phone or a keyboard. You’ll never feel comfortable until you stop hiding.

Seek the Lord’s will for your life. Ask Him to equip you for His plans and purposes and order your steps. Ask Him rebuild your identity and self-esteem. That should be in place first.

Develop a gratitude habit. You can find ideas on Pinterest. Get accustomed to saying thank you every day. Strengthen your prayer life and find someone to serve to take your mind off your problems.

~bella

Thank you <3

 

[dqhall]

I was in a 3 year long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We never met IRL (I know, red flag) but we were very close to meeting this year before COVID kicked back up. We had been slowly losing the "spark" for a while and it was getting apparent the friendship was exhausted and fading. We became like dead weight to each other and I knew it was time to let it go.

So, I am wanting to start over. My goal isn't to find a boyfriend anymore, but to become healthy and secure emotionally and physically and to become closer to God. I do have some struggles I need to air out, though.

I'm 28 years old and struggle socially. I am basically non-verbal in public settings where I do not know anyone. It's very difficult for me to communicate and make friends with people, no matter how much I want to. I long for close and intimate relationships but struggle making it happen. I highly suspect that I may have high functioning autism and have been working on getting a professional evaluation.

I can see how and why I held on for so long to this online relationship. I was able to find the emotional intimacy I crave (however ridiculous it was) within the safe confines of a phone. I didn't have to face my anxiety and go somewhere in public or face communication challenges or deal with my speech impediment. None of that stuff mattered and I was able to freely get to know another human without the extra barriers that would normally stop me in real life.

I used to have a vision for my life that I was gonna be a single career woman who spends her time volunteering and doing stuff for God. You know, kind of like a nun only I would live among the general public and have a jobby job
But something inside of me kind of longs to have a husband. I feel sad and panicky when I think about never getting to experience human love (eros) and marriage and maybe children. I didn't have those desires until I turned 24ish. Before I was always like, BOOM I'm gonna be a kick-butt career woman who can live independently and doesn't need no man!

Of course, I want to be content no matter what happens to me in this life. I tell myself that there is more to life than marriage and I should not focus on that. I remind myself that as lonely as I may feel in this life once I get to heaven all of this will end and I will feel happy and whole.

I am currently not part of any church. I used to go to this Baptist church near my old neighborhood but stopped when I was about 22. I had plans to go back in 2020 but when COVID started I got too scared. I want to be part of a church, but with my anxiety and social difficulties I feel afraid. Plus I would be going by myself and that makes it even scarier. And another thing is, I don't want people to see how single I am and feel sorry for me or try to "fix" me. I hear stories of single Christians who deal with that a lot. And since most women my age are married/taken and/or have children, I worry about feeling left out and "different" because I am single and childfree. And to be honest, I feel hurt and jealous when I see women my age with husbands/partners/kids because I long for those things, too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want to begin learning how to thrive as a single woman in a world where marriage and getting paired up is glorified. I don't know what God's plan is for me. I want to find out, though.

Thank you for reading.

I dated women over 50 in OurTime. I read profiles and sent messages to women within 25 miles. The messages led to phone calls, that led to dates. I got to know a woman well enough for her to drive me home from the hospital after surgery. She was also looking into health food. Another woman I talked to by phone became disabled, then her husband divorced her. We wrote to each other and called each other. I assured her I was not interested in marrying her. She wrote back recently she found a man who wanted to marry her. I bought meals for several women. Went on a picnic. Held hands walking among Christmas decorations. Met a woman whose father owned waterfront property near where I used to live in Massachusetts. Her husband had an affair with a married woman and her much of their retirement savings disappeared. She was divorced. I invited her to my place for lunch. Met another who gave me a tour of her home using a smartphone camera and FaceTime video app. I drove an hour and a half to buy lunch for her. I did not want to move to that area. I did not marry and live alone. At 62 I am wary. A childhood friend lost much of his wealth when his second marriage ended in divorce. They were briefly married. I suspect I am a selfish person, but I suffer my imperfections alone.

 

[pinkjess]

I dated women over 50 in OurTime. I read profiles and sent messages to women within 25 miles. The messages led to phone calls, that led to dates. I got to know a woman well enough for her to drive me home from the hospital after surgery. She was also looking into health food. Another woman I talked to by phone became disabled, then her husband divorced her. We wrote to each other and called each other. I assured her I was not interested in marrying her. She wrote back recently she found a man who wanted to marry her. I bought meals for several women. Went on a picnic. Held hands walking among Christmas decorations. Met a woman whose father owned waterfront property near where I used to live in Massachusetts. Her husband had an affair with a married woman and her much of their retirement savings disappeared. She was divorced. I invited her to my place for lunch. Met another who gave me a tour of her home using a smartphone camera and FaceTime video app. I drove an hour and a half to buy lunch for her. I did not want to move to that area. I did not marry and live alone. At 62 I am wary. A childhood friend lost much of his wealth when his second marriage ended in divorce. They were briefly married. I suspect I am a selfish person, but I suffer my imperfections alone.

My heart hurts for you.

 

[Sketcher]

I was in a 3 year long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We never met IRL (I know, red flag) but we were very close to meeting this year before COVID kicked back up. We had been slowly losing the "spark" for a while and it was getting apparent the friendship was exhausted and fading. We became like dead weight to each other and I knew it was time to let it go.

You posted about some unhealthy patterns with that in the past, so it's good that you let it go.

I want to be part of a church, but with my anxiety and social difficulties I feel afraid. Plus I would be going by myself and that makes it even scarier.

That's normal.

And another thing is, I don't want people to see how single I am and feel sorry for me or try to "fix" me. I hear stories of single Christians who deal with that a lot. And since most women my age are married/taken and/or have children, I worry about feeling left out and "different" because I am single and childfree. And to be honest, I feel hurt and jealous when I see women my age with husbands/partners/kids because I long for those things, too.

On the upside, those with young children don't have time to "fix" you.

There will be some social adjustment to be made at any church, given the issues you described. Friendly people will want to help you fit in. That's going to come with adjustments. But this isn't to say that anyone should treat you like a project.

I don't know if you've read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, but if you haven't, I want to recommend it to you.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want to begin learning how to thrive as a single woman in a world where marriage and getting paired up is glorified. I don't know what God's plan is for me. I want to find out, though.

Upside: Since you're introverted, you can more easily thrive alone than many people. People complained of getting stir-crazy in lockdowns. Many introverts did not.
Downside: There's much to thriving that doesn't come naturally to you. We all have to call the mechanic or the insurance people eventually. There's also a need to talk to co-workers and neighbors.

 

[dqhall]

My heart hurts for you.

For heart health try to reduce dietary fat and cholesterol.

 

[pinkjess]

For heart health try to reduce dietary fat and cholesterol.

I certainly will!

 

[pinkjess]

You posted about some unhealthy patterns with that in the past, so it's good that you let it go.


That's normal.

On the upside, those with young children don't have time to "fix" you.

There will be some social adjustment to be made at any church, given the issues you described. Friendly people will want to help you fit in. That's going to come with adjustments. But this isn't to say that anyone should treat you like a project.

I don't know if you've read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, but if you haven't, I want to recommend it to you.

Upside: Since you're introverted, you can more easily thrive alone than many people. People complained of getting stir-crazy in lockdowns. Many introverts did not.
Downside: There's much to thriving that doesn't come naturally to you. We all have to call the mechanic or the insurance people eventually. There's also a need to talk to co-workers and neighbors.

Thank you.

I am able to make phone calls and I do speak when spoken to, I just don't start or initiate convos much with people. I feel like I get in people's way too much.

 

[DragonFox91]

I struggled w/ anxiety early childhood until I was 22. I still have some scars, but it's a LOT better so I have an idea of where you're coming from.

In regards to finding a church, it can take time to find one that's a good match. Even for people who have no struggles w/ anxiety & are 'normal'. So that's okay if you have a couple bad experiences at churches or don't think it's working out for you, because that's 100% normal. I tried to 2-3 different churches over the span of a couple years before finding one where I eventually started thinking 'hey I like this one!'

So you want a partner, but are concerned people at church will try to 'fix' you to get a partner? Wouldn't that be a good thing? As long as they're friendly about it & receptive to you? But I really don't think that'd be an issue. Unfortunately I & many on here struggle w/ the 'left out' feeling when it comes to others having relationships & children. Sad to say, you will get that feeling at church, but you have to try to fight it. I'm sure God will lead you to people - men, women, single, married, dating, whatever - that you will want to spend time with & enjoy & learn about God's love.

Also, I really appreciate your trying. Unfortunately w/ a history of anxiety, I've come into contact w/ many many people who don't even bother w/ that & just sit on their butt & blame their problems on the world. So I applaud your effort. You are taking a really good step forward! Cheers to many more.

 

[SarahsKnight]

Thank you for reading.

Of course, Miss Pinkjess.

It is good to see you back here, by the way.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I was in a 3 year long distance relationship with a guy I met online. We never met IRL (I know, red flag) but we were very close to meeting this year before COVID kicked back up. We had been slowly losing the "spark" for a while and it was getting apparent the friendship was exhausted and fading. We became like dead weight to each other and I knew it was time to let it go.

So, I am wanting to start over. My goal isn't to find a boyfriend anymore, but to become healthy and secure emotionally and physically and to become closer to God. I do have some struggles I need to air out, though.

I'm 28 years old and struggle socially. I am basically non-verbal in public settings where I do not know anyone. It's very difficult for me to communicate and make friends with people, no matter how much I want to. I long for close and intimate relationships but struggle making it happen. I highly suspect that I may have high functioning autism and have been working on getting a professional evaluation.

I can see how and why I held on for so long to this online relationship. I was able to find the emotional intimacy I crave (however ridiculous it was) within the safe confines of a phone. I didn't have to face my anxiety and go somewhere in public or face communication challenges or deal with my speech impediment. None of that stuff mattered and I was able to freely get to know another human without the extra barriers that would normally stop me in real life.

I used to have a vision for my life that I was gonna be a single career woman who spends her time volunteering and doing stuff for God. You know, kind of like a nun only I would live among the general public and have a jobby job

But something inside of me kind of longs to have a husband. I feel sad and panicky when I think about never getting to experience human love (eros) and marriage and maybe children. I didn't have those desires until I turned 24ish. Before I was always like, BOOM I'm gonna be a kick-butt career woman who can live independently and doesn't need no man!

Of course, I want to be content no matter what happens to me in this life. I tell myself that there is more to life than marriage and I should not focus on that. I remind myself that as lonely as I may feel in this life once I get to heaven all of this will end and I will feel happy and whole.

I am currently not part of any church. I used to go to this Baptist church near my old neighborhood but stopped when I was about 22. I had plans to go back in 2020 but when COVID started I got too scared. I want to be part of a church, but with my anxiety and social difficulties I feel afraid. Plus I would be going by myself and that makes it even scarier. And another thing is, I don't want people to see how single I am and feel sorry for me or try to "fix" me. I hear stories of single Christians who deal with that a lot. And since most women my age are married/taken and/or have children, I worry about feeling left out and "different" because I am single and childfree. And to be honest, I feel hurt and jealous when I see women my age with husbands/partners/kids because I long for those things, too.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I want to begin learning how to thrive as a single woman in a world where marriage and getting paired up is glorified. I don't know what God's plan is for me. I want to find out, though.

Thank you for reading.

Start by talking with the people at this site. It will help you branch out socially and help you feel less lonely.

 

[pinkjess]

Of course, Miss Pinkjess.

It is good to see you back here, by the way.

You too

 

[pinkjess]

Start by talking with the people at this site. It will help you branch out socially and help you feel less lonely.

Thank you

 

[pinkjess]

I struggled w/ anxiety early childhood until I was 22. I still have some scars, but it's a LOT better so I have an idea of where you're coming from.

In regards to finding a church, it can take time to find one that's a good match. Even for people who have no struggles w/ anxiety & are 'normal'. So that's okay if you have a couple bad experiences at churches or don't think it's working out for you, because that's 100% normal. I tried to 2-3 different churches over the span of a couple years before finding one where I eventually started thinking 'hey I like this one!'

So you want a partner, but are concerned people at church will try to 'fix' you to get a partner? Wouldn't that be a good thing? As long as they're friendly about it & receptive to you? But I really don't think that'd be an issue. Unfortunately I & many on here struggle w/ the 'left out' feeling when it comes to others having relationships & children. Sad to say, you will get that feeling at church, but you have to try to fight it. I'm sure God will lead you to people - men, women, single, married, dating, whatever - that you will want to spend time with & enjoy & learn about God's love.

Also, I really appreciate your trying. Unfortunately w/ a history of anxiety, I've come into contact w/ many many people who don't even bother w/ that & just sit on their butt & blame their problems on the world. So I applaud your effort. You are taking a really good step forward! Cheers to many more.

Thank you so much for your kind response. <3

 

[LonelyAdams]

I can really relate to your post, Its hard when your with someone then you stop and realize that they were really your main emotionally support. Ive struggled socially in similar ways though its a little better now. If you ever want a friend (and I do just mean friend cause I'm not doing another long distance relationship) then feel free to reach out to me.