Standards For Dating Too High?

muichimotsu · Dec 21, 2019

Just occurred to me that this thread could stimulate some discussion in terms of dating. Was probably several years ago I talked to my friend and they mentioned that my standards seemed a bit too much for a potential significant other

In terms of a list, the major points that would probably be of major contention are:

Religious worldview
Political worldview
Wanting kids or not (I don't really want children)
Sexual libido/sex drive (because I'm asexual or demisexual, not entirely certain)
Non-smoker
A handful of others that aren't coming to mind (need to sleep)

Is this the case for others and is it possible the standards are too high? Obviously the list would need additions if I think of them, but it's more a general question of where to draw the line, I suppose

ReesePiece23 · Dec 21, 2019

Not too high - possibly limiting though. But then again, the price possibly justifies the outcome if you just happen to meet someone who tick ALL the boxes. For me personally, I'm not out for a box ticking exercise - life is not a driving test. (That and I want to journey beyond my own mind, away from my ignorance.)

Demisexuality or asexuality is quite possibly your greatest asset oddly enough. I'm almost certain that I slot into the former myself - because I can't feel physically attracted to someone without falling in love with their mind first - it makes virtually no difference who you put in front of me. It's almost like a built in filter, the faces are grey but the soul from the right person is a kaleidoscope.

S.O.J.I.A. · Dec 21, 2019

you can have whatever standards you want as long as you're okay with being held to those same standards.

HisGraceAbounds · Dec 21, 2019

I know my standards are too high. I hold myself to very high standards (that I often cannot meet and then I browbeat myself over it), and I hold other people to high standards as well. It takes years just to reach the point where someone can count themselves a 'friend' of mine. I've never met a woman who had the kind of patience necessary to take the time to actually get to know me.

My standards are out of whack. They're outlandish. Adjusting them feels like making too many concessions for no return. I'll keep my high standards and enjoy being single because nobody can measure up. That's what I will continue to tell myself.

bèlla · Dec 21, 2019

You are free to set your standard and pursue the preferences you desire. If your selectivity leads to complaints and sadness about limited options, you may want to fine tune them.

I’m a realist. I know what I can live with and what sets my soul aflame. I keep both in the forefront. Deviations have never ended well.

I prefer the company of others with similar values and background. Common denominators are very important to me. My deepest connections (as friends and companions) always hail from that group. I’ve become more intentional about networking and forming connections along these lines.

Instead of casting my net wider, I narrowed it and placed my focus where the probability of success is greatest. High standards are a non issue. We’re seeking similar qualities.

Oftentimes it isn’t the standard that’s the problem. Its where you’re fishing.

~Bella

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat · Dec 21, 2019

Mine could be and they technically are for where I am currently in life. I'm basing my standards off of who I believe I can be in 5 years or so. Now if I don't fulfill my potential and become who I could be then maybe you could argue my standards were too high and i should just lower them and go with the women i attract now. Not a bad idea but theres a few things i need to do to attract the women i want and live the life i know i am capable of living so i think i'm doing the right thing by waiting and setting reasonable standards.

muichimotsu · Dec 21, 2019

ImAllLikeOkWaitWat said:
Mine could be and they technically are for where I am currently in life. I'm basing my standards off of who I believe I can be in 5 years or so. Now if I don't fulfill my potential and become who I could be then maybe you could argue my standards were too high and i should just lower them and go with the women i attract now. Not a bad idea but theres a few things i need to do to attract the women i want and live the life i know i am capable of living so i think i'm doing the right thing by waiting and setting reasonable standards.

Thing is, don't even know if I'm really attracting women in the first place, at least in my situation

Niels · Dec 21, 2019

Lowering my standards rarely ends well. As far as standards go, they're not unrealistic. They are perhaps a bit idiosyncratic, but if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together then it's more important that I find the right kind of woman for me.

blackribbon · Dec 21, 2019

I think standards are useful to help keep your heart from making all the decision when it is in love. It helps you decide who not to date in the first place so you dont fall in love with people you know you shouldnt be dating. Others help you recognize red flags for potential incompatility and get out of those relationships. They shouldnt read
Iike a job resume though and except for the true deal breakers, be open to some variety that you didnt know you wanted.

sea5763 · Dec 21, 2019

MehGuy · Dec 22, 2019

Mine are not high. My standards may mean I fish in a smaller pond but they're necessary if I am going to actually love the woman, lol. The stupid dame who hasn't found me yet.. lol.

muichimotsu · Dec 22, 2019

blackribbon said:
I think standards are useful to help keep your heart from making all the decision when it is in love. It helps you decide who not to date in the first place so you dont fall in love with people you know you shouldnt be dating. Others help you recognize red flags for potential incompatility and get out of those relationships. They shouldnt read
Iike a job resume though and except for the true deal breakers, be open to some variety that you didnt know you wanted.

With OKCupid, I find myself rarely finding any woman I skim over compatible in the slightest: either she wants children, is a Christian or otherwise religious, smokes, wants an active sex life (I don't want any sex life, I'm ace) and at most, I think I have...40~ women there I've liked, really need to look over it again with new standards in place, because even if I was demisexual, I can't imagine I'd make love with my significant other more than...1/week?

muichimotsu · Dec 22, 2019

Miles said:
Lowering my standards rarely ends well. As far as standards go, they're not unrealistic. They are perhaps a bit idiosyncratic, but if we're going to spend the rest of our lives together then it's more important that I find the right kind of woman for me.

It's like with a roommate, but more long term. Compatibility is key, but determining it is hardly down to a science, much as E Harmony's commercials seem to make it sound like that (never got into that, kept too much behind a paywall)

blackribbon · Dec 22, 2019

muichimotsu said:
With OKCupid, I find myself rarely finding any woman I skim over compatible in the slightest: either she wants children, is a Christian or otherwise religious, smokes, wants an active sex life (I don't want any sex life, I'm ace) and at most, I think I have...40~ women there I've liked, really need to look over it again with new standards in place, because even if I was demisexual, I can't imagine I'd make love with my significant other more than...1/week?

Why are you looking for a dating relationship then? Why not just increase your circle of friends and then compatibility issues are less significant?

muichimotsu · Dec 22, 2019

blackribbon said:
Why are you looking for a dating relationship then? Why not just increase your circle of friends and then compatibility issues are less significant?

That's like asking why someone bothers to try to find someone of such high compatibility even if it's not likely. I'm not in the best place, but that doesn't mean my focus should be simply on friendship (which can get into nebulous areas of acquaintances rather than people I can genuinely have some bond with) when I, like most people, can and do desire a closer relationship of a romantic nature at some point.

I find my circle of friends fine size-wise at the moment anyway, it's simpler to focus on quality over quantity in my estimation

Sir Robbins · Dec 23, 2019

you should have a list of 5 non-negotiables as many match makers instruct their clients to present to them. It's healthy and lets potential partners know up front where you stand.

I'm screwed with my list so I just don't even bother dating... lol

thisgal · Dec 23, 2019

I believe in sticking to your standards, but you may need to look at lowering your expectations. Do I expect to find a man that doesn't have bad habits, or personality quirks that annoy me? No. But I do have standards of how a man can treat me and still expect to have me walk down the aisle to meet him at the alter.

ThisIsMe123 · Dec 26, 2019

muichimotsu said:
With OKCupid, I find myself rarely finding any woman I skim over compatible in the slightest: either she wants children, is a Christian or otherwise religious, smokes, wants an active sex life (I don't want any sex life, I'm ace) and at most, I think I have...40~ women there I've liked, really need to look over it again with new standards in place, because even if I was demisexual, I can't imagine I'd make love with my significant other more than...1/week?

Um, aren't you suppose to be dating a Christian? ?

muichimotsu · Dec 26, 2019

ThisIsMe123 said:
Um, aren't you suppose to be dating a Christian? ?

If the forum was Christian-only, that'd be a concern, but it's not. I know the profile is to the left, but I wouldn't insinuate my standards onto you, common courtesy to do the same. If my brother wants to find a Christian, assuming he's still relatively devout (he goes to church every Sunday, I believe, work schedule permitting), that's his choice, not mine

muichimotsu · Dec 26, 2019

thisgal said:
I believe in sticking to your standards, but you may need to look at lowering your expectations. Do I expect to find a man that doesn't have bad habits, or personality quirks that annoy me? No. But I do have standards of how a man can treat me and still expect to have me walk down the aisle to meet him at the alter.

Personality quirks and such are basically unavoidable, of course, I'm guilty of bad aspects like that for myself.

And that's not even getting into questions of how long to wait between engagement and marriage, one of my cousins, I felt, was pressured into getting married less than a year after their engagement, while I have friends that have been engaged for about 4 years now and I haven't heard anything about a wedding ceremony (not that I was invited to the one for another couple I know and play D&D with like the other couple)

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