Standards and flexibility over the years.

[mkgal1]

In reading over the forum the other day, it's occurred to me that if we met our spouses when we were in our 20's (the era of "I got life *all* figured out")....most likely we've come up against a change in our beliefs. I know I have. When my husband and I met (in a dance club in the 80's, BTW) neither of us were following Christ. Our basic priorities have shifted, sometimes in unison.....sometimes not.

This led me to thinking about our daughter's (probable) future marriage. Is an agreement of beliefs most important......or is flexibility and a desire to remain connected the best goal?

 

[ProudMomxmany]

In reading over the forum the other day, it's occurred to me that if we met our spouses when we were in our 20's (the era of "I got life *all* figured out")....most likely we've come up against a change in our beliefs. I know I have. When my husband and I met (in a dance club in the 80's, BTW) neither of us were following Christ. Our basic priorities have shifted, sometimes in unison.....sometimes not.

This led me to thinking about our daughter's (probable) future marriage. Is an agreement of beliefs most important......or is flexibility and a desire to remain connected the best goal?

Flexibility reduces "deal-breakers". When my husband and I dated and married, neither one of us were Christians. I became a Christian while he was at sea on a Med cruise. I didn't tell him until he came home. It was not a deal-breaker. He became a Christian about 6 months later. Over time, our beliefs/priorities/values changed...when we first became Christians we were part of a very legalistic, fundamentalist church. As time went by and we grew, studied and changed, we felt called to leave that lifestyle. My husband felt led to leave before I did...I had friends there, it was part of my support system. He stayed and prayed that I also would feel the call to leave that community, all the while fighting to walk out of services. He waited until I was ready to leave and we left together.

With moves, children, all of life, we've had to change and adapt to circumstances. Fundamentally, our beliefs haven't really changed, except the radical conversion from atheism/"cultural Christianity" to a true relationship with Christ.

 

[Shane R]

Some commonality in belief is necessary to be compatible. However, people change with time and the desire to remain connected/together is the key. This is achieved primarily through good communication.

 

[Observer]

I am really not sure at this point. This is what I'm struggling with at the moment, whether my husband and I are compatible enough to make it work long term. We've had A LOT of problems and have A LOT of disagreements.

First thing is dietary - I became vegetarian/vegan due to my animal rights beliefs, the state of food production these days.. and he just doesn't care about it. It's very hard because my animal rights beliefs are as strong as my beliefs about God. Very hard.

We've also swapped roles in the marriage way too many times. He will work, I don't work. I will work, he quits working. I have been picking up all the slack in finances, housework etc for a couple of years now and it causes a lot of resentment.

I also am very very concerned about our future, he is getting slacker and I feel I may never have financial security with him and that I'll never have that strong leader husband I want. Seems we will never have a house at this rate, and he also says he never wants children and I want one someday.

So I think it is important to be compatible to be honest. I think the more similarities you have in your beliefs, the better. But I hope other people are right - because my husband and I are growing further apart in our beliefs and priorities. It's scary.

 

[akmom]

I don't know. My husband and I have had to be flexible and change on some things, but fundamentally we have the same values and beliefs we did when we married eight years ago. I don't know how much insight I can really offer, having been still in my twenties just last month (same as my husband).

I do think that the best way to approach changes is to communicate them with each other and then make a plan to transition gradually. I contrast this to doing nothing and hoping things change on their own, or the opposite extreme of wanting to make a colossal overhaul all at once.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Its important to agree on what you each care deeply about. The rest doesn't matter much unless you make it matter.

 

[mkgal1]

Its important to agree on what you each care deeply about. The rest doesn't matter much unless you make it matter.

There are times, though, that there can be a difference of opinion on those things as well (things we care deeply about---like our faith). I guess my point is.....over the course of many years, some of us evolve and change our views (even in strong areas).

I think that's why the ability to love even through disagreement is important (without trampling on the other person).

 

[Autumnleaf]

There are times, though, that there can be a difference of opinion on those things as well (things we care deeply about---like our faith). I guess my point is.....over the course of many years, some of us evolve and change our views (even in strong areas).

I think that's why the ability to love even through disagreement is important (without trampling on the other person).

I agree. Love is important. Romantic love and sacrificial love, the latter being very out of style these days. 'If it don't come easy you better let it go.'

 

[LinkH]

You've got to have both. If one person believes in doing drugs and swinging and the other doesn't, that's not likely to turn out well.

 

[Hetta]

In reading over the forum the other day, it's occurred to me that if we met our spouses when we were in our 20's (the era of "I got life *all* figured out")....most likely we've come up against a change in our beliefs. I know I have. When my husband and I met (in a dance club in the 80's, BTW) neither of us were following Christ. Our basic priorities have shifted, sometimes in unison.....sometimes not.

This led me to thinking about our daughter's (probable) future marriage. Is an agreement of beliefs most important......or is flexibility and a desire to remain connected the best goal?

Great question.

My husband and I were similar to you and your husband, MKGal, and were not active Christians when we met, but we had both been raised as Christians. Having that background made us infinitely more compatible than if we had been unequally yoked. When we made the shift to attending church and seeking out Christ, we were not quite in unison in that I got there before he did - but he was not far behind. It didn't matter that we weren't 'singing from the same song sheet' (is that the saying?) for a while, but it mattered that we did end up sharing that song sheet.

Our priorities have definitely changed over time. Pregnancy, childbirth and young children had a far higher priority for a time, and work outside the home had priority at other times. Now that the children are older and self-sufficient, there are other priorities in place - but family life and children are always a top priority.

We have had many changes in our faith. Where we are at now, I am not sure! We still have no church home, and while that doesn't make us any less Christian, I feel the loss of that church home bond. (I know what I mean by that). But at the same time, we're both wary of church 'drama'. So, even though we are apart from the church, we're still together in our doubts about it, and I think that's one of the important things - that we continue to agree on whatever steps we take (or don't take).

Sorry, that was some off-topicy information.

 

[Hetta]

This led me to thinking about our daughter's (probable) future marriage. Is an agreement of beliefs most important......or is flexibility and a desire to remain connected the best goal?

From what I have seen of my eldest kids' relationships, both are important. That they agree in the first place, and that they can be flexible. For instance, one of my older kids was not at all into church (yes, the one I've written about before) but because he loves his GF, he started attending her church with her. If he had not had the belief in the first place, I doubt he would have gone to church, much as he loves her because he's a stubborn, hard headed kid. So, the basis of their beliefs - Christianity - was there. She attends a charismatic church, something he has never experienced, and he said (to us) that it freaked him out when people started talking in tongues. But he was flexible enough to stick it out, and that desire to be connected was definitely there, because he now attends Sunday at her church and also Wednesday night youth group. They're both young (17) and have their whole lives ahead of them. Maybe they'll stay together through college and get married, I don't know, but I know that they have a good basis for their relationship - much better than our eldest kid, who had a long and painful teen/adult relationship that recently broke up. That relationship did not have much in the way of flexibility at all, nor that basis of beliefs.

 

[mkgal1]

You've got to have both. If one person believes in doing drugs and swinging and the other doesn't, that's not likely to turn out well.

Of course, Link.

But.....my main point was that often with years (and especially if the couple were young when they met--young being under 30) there can be a shift in beliefs.

If my husband decided he'd rather do drugs or take up "swinging", IMO....I'd be breaking my marriage vows to invite that into our marriage (as would he).

That makes me think more of vows. I wonder how many people really see them as promises to be kept or just part of the ritual. I've read that they are conditions of the covenant (and, IMO, that means they need to be agreed to mutually---and upheld willfully).

 

[mkgal1]

Great question.

My husband and I were similar to you and your husband, MKGal, and were not active Christians when we met, but we had both been raised as Christians. Having that background made us infinitely more compatible than if we had been unequally yoked. When we made the shift to attending church and seeking out Christ, we were not quite in unison in that I got there before he did - but he was not far behind. It didn't matter that we weren't 'singing from the same song sheet' (is that the saying?) for a while, but it mattered that we did end up sharing that song sheet.

Our priorities have definitely changed over time. Pregnancy, childbirth and young children had a far higher priority for a time, and work outside the home had priority at other times. Now that the children are older and self-sufficient, there are other priorities in place - but family life and children are always a top priority.

We have had many changes in our faith. Where we are at now, I am not sure! We still have no church home, and while that doesn't make us any less Christian, I feel the loss of that church home bond. (I know what I mean by that). But at the same time, we're both wary of church 'drama'. So, even though we are apart from the church, we're still together in our doubts about it, and I think that's one of the important things - that we continue to agree on whatever steps we take (or don't take).

Sorry, that was some off-topicy information.

I don't think any of that was "off topic" (I thought it all pertained well to what I mentioned). It's a perfect example, in fact, of what I meant by how (personally) we can change our beliefs over the years.