Spouses on different pages....

[mrsjkt]

How do you handle your spouse being on a totally different page than you? I guess I'm speaking to when you are ready to take the next step in life and they are content where they are and have no desire to move forward.

I think the bigger issue I'm dealing with is that I want to move back to my home state where my family is and my husband does not want to. We do have a good life where we are. He has a job he likes and we found a great church and circle of friends. However, we have a 3 year old son that doesn't get to see grandparents or aunts, uncles and cousins often.

I grew up in a close family and it's not really a big deal in my husband's family. I know my husband doesn't want to look for another job. His company is really good to him and his job allows him to work from home 3 days a week. We've also talked about getting into some type of missions or ministry, but he doesn't seem excited about that either.

He wants things to stay exactly how they are and I'm ready for something new.

 

[.chrys.]

A good job is hard to find.

Are you employed for financial gain? Would you be able to support the family if you were to make that change?

My husband lost his job (after 20 years of employment) in 2012 and was unable to find one again in his field for a year. This has put a great financial strain on our future--our life savings was depleted to next to nothing in that time.

Maybe the something new you are looking forward to is something other than moving back.

 

[akmom]

I would have to say that grandparents are less important than a stable career, supportive church family, and good circle of friends. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Imagine the bitterness you both will likely feel when you give all this up, and the only thing you have to show for it is... in-laws.

Maybe it's time for you and the kids to go on a good long vacation to visit your parents and alleviate your homesickness. I know it feels good to "go home." Even the travel is cathartic, as you get closer and things get more and more familiar. Funny thing is, you'll probably feel the same way after a few years, when you make your first trip back to visit this area and your friends here. Be careful about those feelings.

 

[ValleyGal]

Technology is a fantastic thing! Use it to stay close to your family and to help develop the value of family into your children. The Bible supports strong families, but even in biblical times adult children will move far away from their family of origin. Being far away does not lessen your family bonds.

Your husband likely values the stability of the life you've both created. Talking about what you value and why you value it, will help strengthen understanding between you and your husband. When you both understand each others' perspective, it becomes easier to brainstorm various ways to meet your needs as well as his.

How often do you see your family versus how often do you wish you could see them? What are some ways you can make it work to spend more time with them than you currently do?

You are also ready for something new, but your husband seems content. How can you honour both of those needs? How old are your children? Do you work outside the home? These are just things to consider when you are looking for something new. Off the top of my head, you could pursue all kinds of things - upgrade your education, take a special interest course, learn a new language, go on a short-term mission trip, get involved with a ministry in your church, volunteer in your community, take up a hobby....those are just a few. But what I really recommend is thinking about how you are using your time and talents/aptitude. Are you using them to their fullest potential? If not, how could you be? How do you want the rest of your life to unfold? What kinds of things are interesting to you? Do you have anything you are passionate about?

If your husband is okay with the life you've all created, what would happen if you pursued some of your dreams within the context of what you currently have. What I mean is, if you want to do missions, what's stopping you from doing a short-term mission without your husband? You would not be risking your marriage, but you could still fulfill your dream of doing missions. Or what about being a missionary in your own home town? Look for the people who have needs to hear about the love of Christ and share Jesus with them just like you would if you were away on missions.

Think outside the box on how you can meet your needs for something new and yet still honour your husband's needs for the stability and predictability of your life together.

 

[Annessa3]

and perhaps he is a little leery of being near your family non stop when you all have a comfy life right now......
but yes, employment is vital is making that kind of change. Having a job you like, where you are valued, isn't something to toss away. And because we still live in a mostly traditionalist society, a man usually feels that ' job=meaning' burden more than a married woman.
What is the housing like back home? Would that be a cost or a saving?

I agree that you and the kids should take a long vacation to your parents. Then discuss the potential move 6 mos later.

 

[Inkachu]

You pray for God to put you both on the same page. Not that He drags your husband over to your point of view, but that He brings you both to be one of one mind, even if it's something totally different than what you want or expect. He may bring your husband in your direction, He may move you towards his direction, or He may put something totally new in front of the two of you.

I understand that you miss being connected with the rest of your family, but when you get married, the hubster comes first. Don't look at that as some kind of punishment or chore, but as an honor and privilege.

Then ask your husband if he'd be OK with you traveling back home a few times a year to hang with the fam

 

[Autumnleaf]

The next step is for him to quit a job he likes so you can live wherever you feel like it.

That seems very familiar to me and I'm almost inclined to go for it

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Inkachu
Then ask your husband if he'd be OK with you traveling back home a few times a year to hang with the fam

My daughter lives in Ohio and we are in Arizona. She longs to move back to be with us. Her husband is a very good provider but she does not get “spiritually fed” as much in Ohio. In addition, her husband is the quite type and my daughter is like all of us here in Arizona and very lively. The Ohio extended family is almost non-existent and we here in Arizona get together at lest twice a week to eat together, play games, discuss politics-religion, etc.

My daughter’ husband is very responsible and is a very good worker and is not a run around or anything like that. He is a good father and I AM GLAD THAT MY DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO HIM

So the solution for us for the last 15 years has been that we go there or we bring her here (sometimes with children) at least once a year and sometimes twice. The visits are from 10-20 days and now that my wife is retired her visits to Ohio are from 4- 6 weeks.

We have thought about this problem for years and the best we can do is what Inkachu suggested. We travel back and forth in addition to Skype, emails, texts, Facebook, etc.

The bottom line is that she has lots of good in Ohio and lots of good in Arizona but life is such that you take what you can get and make the best of it. My daughter is lucky and she has a good life in Ohio and if she ever makes it back to Arizona to live she will have good life here also.

 

[Scottmcc1]

I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. I'm so stressed right now. I feel like I keep messing things up at work, and nothing goes right. Every time I turn around, I'm making a mistake. I feel like the dumbest person on earth and I can't even do my job.

My marriage has hit a rough spot. I'm running a house and finances on my own while working full time, but he gets frustrated with me when I'm not "in the mood." I'm always stressed about our finances. ...... both of us need newer vehicles. I don't even have money to go buy clothes for work. He thinks it's ok if we got pregnant now, and I'm having second thoughts. How are we going to afford a baby right now? We don't even have anything in our savings account.

I love my husband, but this isn't how I pictured our life. We've been married a year, and a few months after the wedding, we moved 750 miles away from my family and friends. We thought we had more opportunities out here, and job wise, we did, but we have no friends out here, and the only family we have out here is his sister and her family, who don't have much to do with us.

I feel like I'm in this big black hole, and I can't climb my way out.
I don't know what to do anymore

Do you want to go back to this so you can be with your family?

If you go back to your family, you will have to pitch in and work a new job to supplement the income.

I say stay where you are and enjoy life with your husband. Find things you can do for Christ where you live.

 

[turkle]

How do you handle your spouse being on a totally different page than you? I guess I'm speaking to when you are ready to take the next step in life and they are content where they are and have no desire to move forward.

I think the bigger issue I'm dealing with is that I want to move back to my home state where my family is and my husband does not want to. We do have a good life where we are. He has a job he likes and we found a great church and circle of friends. However, we have a 3 year old son that doesn't get to see grandparents or aunts, uncles and cousins often.

I grew up in a close family and it's not really a big deal in my husband's family. I know my husband doesn't want to look for another job. His company is really good to him and his job allows him to work from home 3 days a week. We've also talked about getting into some type of missions or ministry, but he doesn't seem excited about that either.

He wants things to stay exactly how they are and I'm ready for something new.

I'm sorry dear, but it sounds like the one who doesn't want to move forward is you. You say you want to go back to your family, when in past posts, you stated that your mother and your aunt tried to sabotage your marriage. And you want to do this when your husband has a good job with a good company and you have a good church. Why would you sabotage a good thing? The Lord says that man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. That means that what is good for him is good for you.

It sounds like you have an illusion that if you go back to where your family is, that you will not have the difficulties you are now dealing with. But what I can assure you is if you do this thing, if you pressure your husband to tear down what he has built in his career, the difficulties will be much greater. Grow where you are planted. Be grateful that in a difficult economy, your husband has a good job. So many people do not, and would give anything to have what you have. As Paul said, learn to be content. It is a great blessing.

 

[Inkachu]

What Turkle said.

By all means, go VISIT your family a few times a year.

But make a life with your husband. Where you are.

 

[jsimms615]

good jobs are hard to find so I can totally sympathize with your husband. I would say take it to God and let him have your situation. If he wants you to move he can open doors for you and change your husbands opinion without you having to try and force a door open that isn't right now