Spouse in self pity

[haleyscomet]

My wife has had a terrible last year. The death of her father, death of her best friend, brother with cancer. Now my job of 12 years is ending with a business closure. It is a lot to handle.

She will call me up at work and need to talk... I try to give her time but I am a school teacher.... I cannot give her individualized attention and she doesn't like that... So, that weighs on our conversation as well "You don't have time for me"... "I can tell you are not listening"...But that part I can deal with...

The part that I find hard to handle is when she starts in on the "If only I had a nice house", "If we only had a car that was nice", "If my children would behave better", "I can't stand the driveway not being paved", etc... I do not know how to properly respond to those kind of things... I often feel that she is hinting that those are things I should be able to resolve.

We have chosen a lifestyle of homeschooling and simplicity. And yet she often does not seem satisfied. Ironically we have better vehicles and homes than either of our parents...

I just need some suggestions..

BTW.. we were trying to follow the book "a purpose filled life", but when we got to the part of praying for each other, she said didn't want to pray for me because it felt fake. She prays all the time with the kids and with our family... I don't get it...

I have a wonderful relationship with God... Yes, I mess up, but I know he hears me and is always there for me.... She often feels that she is lost and doesn't have faith...

She is a perfectionist and very controlling.

Thanks

 

[Pal Handy]

Here's some teaching tapes on this very subject...

Contentment and Satisfaction

 

[seeingeyes]

My wife has had a terrible last year. The death of her father, death of her best friend, brother with cancer. Now my job of 12 years is ending with a business closure. It is a lot to handle.

She will call me up at work and need to talk... I try to give her time but I am a school teacher.... I cannot give her individualized attention and she doesn't like that... So, that weighs on our conversation as well "You don't have time for me"... "I can tell you are not listening"...But that part I can deal with...

The best way to deal with this is to be honest. Tell her that you will be available to listen later, and then be available to listen later. Don't pretend to listen, she can see right through that and it damages trust.

No, she will not like it when you say, "later", but over time, if you consistently do what you say, she will know that you are trustworthy in this.

The part that I find hard to handle is when she starts in on the "If only I had a nice house", "If we only had a car that was nice", "If my children would behave better", "I can't stand the driveway not being paved", etc... I do not know how to properly respond to those kind of things... I often feel that she is hinting that those are things I should be able to resolve.

Why not just ask her straight out: "Are you hinting that you want me to buy you a better house/car/child (just kidding on that last one ). You may need to encourage her to be more above board with what she wants if she's a 'hinter'.

 

[StarBright]

I think this goes much deeper than self pity. As you said, she had a terrible year, dealing with multiple deaths, sickness in the family, and now you're about to lose your job. I might be fighting a bit of insanity and depression myself in her shoes.

If she tends to be a perfectionist and likes being in control, IMAGINE how distraught all of this is making her. She can't control when death will strike the people she loves. She can't control her brother having cancer. She can't control your job situation. Her entire world is crumbling and she can't do a thing about it. For the AVERAGE person, that would be hard enough, but for her, it's probably downright traumatic.

When she calls you and launches into a list of complaints, she's probably crying out for reassurance and love. She's latching onto the things she CAN control - fixing up the house, for example. That's something she feels she can DO something about while the rest of her life is going crazy. I don't think she's trying to be difficult or make you feel like an awful husband. I think she's in tremendous pain and I think she's terrified of the future.

Have you considered some counseling for you both? Dealing with so much tragedy and stress in a short period of time would be hard on anyone. Having an objective third party to hear you both out might help you both see the others' point of view a little better.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

My wife has had a terrible last year. The death of her father, death of her best friend, brother with cancer. Now my job of 12 years is ending with a business closure. It is a lot to handle.

She will call me up at work and need to talk... I try to give her time but I am a school teacher.... I cannot give her individualized attention and she doesn't like that... So, that weighs on our conversation as well "You don't have time for me"... "I can tell you are not listening"...But that part I can deal with...

The part that I find hard to handle is when she starts in on the "If only I had a nice house", "If we only had a car that was nice", "If my children would behave better", "I can't stand the driveway not being paved", etc... I do not know how to properly respond to those kind of things... I often feel that she is hinting that those are things I should be able to resolve.

We have chosen a lifestyle of homeschooling and simplicity. And yet she often does not seem satisfied. Ironically we have better vehicles and homes than either of our parents...

I just need some suggestions..

BTW.. we were trying to follow the book "a purpose filled life", but when we got to the part of praying for each other, she said didn't want to pray for me because it felt fake. She prays all the time with the kids and with our family... I don't get it...

I have a wonderful relationship with God... Yes, I mess up, but I know he hears me and is always there for me.... She often feels that she is lost and doesn't have faith...

She is a perfectionist and very controlling.

Thanks

it sounds like she is looking to you as her source rather than to God; and no one can take His place as the Source of all things good. it also sounds like she has lost sight of what she deserves from God if He were to treat her according to her performance, especially in not being thankful for His grace in all things, no matter how bad they seem.

when she complains, try reminding her that this is what angered God about the children of israel after they came out of egypt, and what caused them to wander in a dry desert until they died.

as long as she feels like she is being treated unfairly, you will not be able to help her, as this is self-righteousness; this is pride - and God resists the proud. being a perfectionist and controlling is a clear indication of self-righteousness and pride - you have to make her realize that this is ungodly before you can help her or repair your relationship.

fear not; be strong, and very courageous; only the Truth will set her free

 

[stormdancer0]

She needs to go into grief counseling. This can spiral into suicidal actions - PLEASE PLEASE have her go to counseling. This is so important.

Go with her. Don't make her go alone, as if she is the only problem. You don't sound very supportive, frankly. Not only is she going through all this grief, but she's trying to teach your kids, and care for your home, and she's all alone most days (except for the kids.)

You need to go home, and after dinner give her 100% of your attention for about 30 minutes. Don't say anything (except maybe to say back to her what she is saying in your own words), just listen, and be there for her,

Men don't understand this, but sometimes women need to talk things out. We're not asking you to fix anything, but just to listen, to care.

Do NOT, as the above poster suggested, "Try to make her see that it is ungodly." For goodness sake, she is grieving. If she's controlling, etc. that can be dealt with later. First, get through this crisis.

The counseling can be re-focused into marital counseling to help you two work through who controls what later. This spiral of depression needs to be stopped first.

 

[haleyscomet]

Thanks,
We have been married 18 years. I am very close with her family as well. I myself have had quite the loss along with her and want to grieve with her. But, this has been our greatest challenge. She is not one to come and cry on my shoulder. Instead, she usually becomes stand offish and often when I try to get her to talk, comfort her, she attacks. So, I see myself as causing greater difficulties and try to help in other ways--with the kids, suppers, etc. This seems to help in the long run. Unfortunately, she does not see any benefit of counseling. Asking her if she would like to talk to a counselor is like asking a child to go to the dentist.

I do need to give her 100% attention after work... Thanks for the "honey lets talk when I get home" advice...

Fixing up the house - was always a good thing to focus on... However, with the coming job change comes a probability of moving so.... no value in that either...

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

My wife has had a terrible last year. The death of her father, death of her best friend, brother with cancer. Now my job of 12 years is ending with a business closure. It is a lot to handle.

She will call me up at work and need to talk... I try to give her time but I am a school teacher.... I cannot give her individualized attention and she doesn't like that... So, that weighs on our conversation as well "You don't have time for me"... "I can tell you are not listening"...But that part I can deal with...

The part that I find hard to handle is when she starts in on the "If only I had a nice house", "If we only had a car that was nice", "If my children would behave better", "I can't stand the driveway not being paved", etc... I do not know how to properly respond to those kind of things... I often feel that she is hinting that those are things I should be able to resolve.

We have chosen a lifestyle of homeschooling and simplicity. And yet she often does not seem satisfied. Ironically we have better vehicles and homes than either of our parents...

I just need some suggestions..

BTW.. we were trying to follow the book "a purpose filled life", but when we got to the part of praying for each other, she said didn't want to pray for me because it felt fake. She prays all the time with the kids and with our family... I don't get it...

I have a wonderful relationship with God... Yes, I mess up, but I know he hears me and is always there for me.... She often feels that she is lost and doesn't have faith...

She is a perfectionist and very controlling.

Thanks

Your wife is a perfectionist, perhaps controlling, but also with tendencies toward OCD plus having an unsatisfied spirit. Contentment is something that needs to be part of her life .

When she says the things you mentioned above about wanting more...remind her that the family already has more than what your Parents had, has far more than the average person in the world, that materialism isnt the standard for contentment , and that you both need to count the blessing you DO have . Suggest she talk it over with your Pastor or trusted seasoned Lady Friend at Church whom she looks up to. Tell her when she says those things to you, that it makes you feel inadequate because she doesnt appear to be satisfied in the life you both have together. Tell her lovingly, that, you dont like feeling only like 'a paycheck' to get additional things ; also...spend more time together doing one on one things together like : Walks around a lake in nature, more date nights , schedule a weekend getaway somewhere, etc.. where you can have some good quality time together.

You may have a wife which is common in that you simply cant please her no matter what . There are women out there like that from feeling entitled or thinking that material goods will somehow bring fulfillment that shes always seeking. It wont. I had a wife like that for 6 years so i know how it makes a husband feel. Theres not too much you personally can do about it sadly....it has to come from her making changes incorporating a different outlook . Pray for her that God will send someone along other than yourself, to help her see the real ingredients for long lasting contentment and fulfillment .

 

[StarBright]

Thanks,
We have been married 18 years. I am very close with her family as well. I myself have had quite the loss along with her and want to grieve with her. But, this has been our greatest challenge. She is not one to come and cry on my shoulder. Instead, she usually becomes stand offish and often when I try to get her to talk, comfort her, she attacks. So, I see myself as causing greater difficulties and try to help in other ways--with the kids, suppers, etc. This seems to help in the long run. Unfortunately, she does not see any benefit of counseling. Asking her if she would like to talk to a counselor is like asking a child to go to the dentist.

I do need to give her 100% attention after work... Thanks for the "honey lets talk when I get home" advice...

Fixing up the house - was always a good thing to focus on... However, with the coming job change comes a probability of moving so.... no value in that either...

Wow, I can't really relate to being standoffish if my hubby offered me his shoulder or a listening ear. Maybe it's in the way you approach her, when you "try to get her to talk"?

I also think giving her some undivided attention, and not trying to control the conversation or insert your own ideas or opinions, might be a wonderful idea. She may just need to unleash a thousand emotions, and her husband should be the safest person to do that with (even if you find it confusing or bewildering, don't try to make sense of it all, just LISTEN and CARE, as the poster above said). If a woman is upset, she is craving two things from you. She wants to know that you 1) understand, that you "get it", that her feelings are valid, and 2) that you CARE about her feelings on the subject. Don't try to offer solutions at that point, just sit there, listen, make eye contact, REALLY LISTEN, don't just be a presence on the couch while your mind is thinking about football or dinner. Try to pinpoint the underlying emotions; is she scared? angry? hurt? frustrated? worried? Most of the time when we're lashing out, there's something going on under the surface that isn't being dealt with. That goes for women AND men. Just letting her get it all out and then saying "Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I promise I'm here to listen anytime you need me, and I'll help you through this in any way I can." Simple words like that can make all the difference, trust me. Just knowing we aren't alone in what we're dealing with can relieve such a burden from a woman's shoulders.

All of the above is basically what a good counselor does. Listens, and cares. Sometimes that's all we need. So if you don't feel like you and your wife could achieve that type of scenario, I'd see a professional.

 

[stormdancer0]

Thanks,
We have been married 18 years. I am very close with her family as well. I myself have had quite the loss along with her and want to grieve with her. But, this has been our greatest challenge. She is not one to come and cry on my shoulder. Instead, she usually becomes stand offish and often when I try to get her to talk, comfort her, she attacks. So, I see myself as causing greater difficulties and try to help in other ways--with the kids, suppers, etc. This seems to help in the long run. Unfortunately, she does not see any benefit of counseling. Asking her if she would like to talk to a counselor is like asking a child to go to the dentist.

I do need to give her 100% attention after work... Thanks for the "honey lets talk when I get home" advice...

Fixing up the house - was always a good thing to focus on... However, with the coming job change comes a probability of moving so.... no value in that either...

Perhaps if you went to the counseling, she would come along - "Listen Honey. I know things have been rough, and you seem to be uptight, but I'm having a lot of trouble with some stuff. I'd like to go to a counselor, so maybe I can feel better about everything. Would you like to go? Maybe you can let the counselor know how I've been acting, and it would help."

It may be that the counselor can let you know how to go about approaching your wife in a way she would accept.

Was she always critical like this, or is it a new thing?