Splitting the kids up

[BlueJay83]

My wife is moving into her mothers for a week as a "trial". But it's probably a permanent thing.

I've managed to get her to agree that I'll keep the kids, and she can have them weekends, and look after our youngest one for 2 days a week when he isn't in kindergarten.

I told her I will not want to stay in this city forever and if she does leave for good I'll move on with my life and move cities, taking the kids with me.

She said she wouldn't stop me but she wanted to keep the youngest son, and I could take the oldest two with me.

I really want all 3 of them 100% of the time,
I don't know if I can handle giving him up, and to be honest I don't know how she could even choose which one she wanted..

has splitting kids worked, or have you ever considered it an option?

I guess i'm lucky I get two as a guarantee, but I can't walk away that easily from my son. I'm so torn and confused by this.

help

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

For your kids' sake you should stay in the city so they can also be close to their mother and one another.

 

[BlueJay83]

For your kids' sake you should stay in the city so they can also be close to their mother and one another.

I have nothing left for me in this city.. I stayed here for 10 years because of her alone.
If she's gone I'm going to the town I've been dreaming about for around 11years.

She isn't a normal functioning person either.. there are serious mental health issues complicating things

If i'm anywhere near her, she will change her mind and break my heart some more.

 

[FaithPrevails]

You need to get custody of all 3 children - while the living arrangement is that they are all residing with you, the courts will hopefully rule in your favor. I can't imagine picking one child over the other, although some parents think it is beneficial to split them up based on gender.

 

[lindart]

STOP! Are you serious! This plan that you and your wife have will destroy your children for a very long time to come! How do I know? My ex kidnapped my oldest child off the bus stop years ago and totally ignored our other 4 children. Long, long story which I won't go into but for your children's sake I will shout from the rooftop! My children are now adults and still suffer from what we, as parents, did a long time ago. Please reclaim your marriage for your family's sake. God will bless all of you and you will be able to look back without painful regrets.

 

[SharonL]

In no way split the kids - rejection will follow them the rest of their lives. I raised 2 step children that the mother deserted - life has never been normal for them and no matter how hard I tried - the bond is not there and they have suffered rejection - but can you imagine growing up and wondering how on earth could someone choose which child to keep. Bad choices.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

I have nothing left for me in this city.. I stayed here for 10 years because of her alone.
If she's gone I'm going to the town I've been dreaming about for around 11years.

She isn't a normal functioning person either.. there are serious mental health issues complicating things

If i'm anywhere near her, she will change her mind and break my heart some more.

The right decision is rarely the decision that will make you the happiest.

 

[FaithPrevails]

The right decision is rarely the decision that will make you the happiest.

I completely disagree. You are assuming it is based on personal will and not God's will. I moved when I divorced and it very much was a God thing. I don't regret it, I've been much happier, and it was definitely the right decision.

 

[BlueJay83]

The right decision is rarely the decision that will make you the happiest.

doing the "right" thing got me into this bad marriage in the first place.
the "right" thing isn't always the best thing... especially when my own sanity and the welfare of the kids are at stake.
She is not a capable mother, and the kids are young enough that the youngest two probably wouldn't even remember what she looked like in 10 years time.

I'm doing my best, but she keeps running away and rejecting me... there's nothing more I can do.
She has shown contempt for me and the vows she made dozens of times over the years and it's at a point I can't handle anymore.

I don't want to split the boys.. she does. I feel bad leaving her with no kids, but she has proven she isn't a mother but more like a teenager for many years.

At least I have the support of her family too, they think she's an idiot.. I just feel bad for her because I do love her.
Loving someone doesn't stop them from putting a knife of betrayal in your stomach though.
I need to protect myself and the kids.. that's why moving on with my life is an option.

I've turned down job offers in Canada, Australia and other cities in NewZealand... I gave up an job offer with the airforce, I closed my usiness to spend more time caring for her when she was diagnosed, and all this because she didn't want to leave her family or because it wasn't in HER best interests.
She has not been a biblical wife, she is more loyal to other people than to me.
I'm tired of putting my life & dreams on hold.

I feel like I'm a failure as a biblical husband to consider saying "this is enough", because Christ would never give up on the Church.
I have given her an option and a season to try change (not to be perfect, just to be faithful and have some respect for me).. she treated that with contepmt too.... so what more can I do?

She's already phoned me within 24hours of leaving saying sorry and that she wants to come home again.

I'm not going to be a doormat anymore.. I deserve better and the kids deserve some stabilty in their lives. I might ask her to stay away 1 more week for me to think or.... I might open the door to her again in forgiveness and let her walk all over me again in another few weeks...

I have some listening to do.

 

[whitebeaches]

because of the circumstances i think you should have full custody of the kids and live where you want to and do whats in your best interest and the kids to. things can be worked out where they can still see their mother from time to time. In suituations like these, its hard but sometimes we have to do what is hard for our kids sake. Dont feel like you are/were a bad husband. you did your best with the hand you were dealt. dont feel guilty. Go do what you must to give your children the best life possible. Hugs.

 

[iambren]

Bad idea! I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids. This all reminds me of the Solomon story of whether to cut the baby in two. The one who loves most may give way.

 

[BlueJay83]

Bad idea! I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids. This all reminds me of the Solomon story of whether to cut the baby in two. The one who loves most may give way.

That, Sir, is an excellent observation.
Although, the one who loves least would want them to be split... and thus they are sent whole to the one who loves most.

 

[Conservativation]

Bad idea moving kids away.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Splitting the kids is Biblical advice from Solomon himself. You can't go wrong there. It could get messy though.

 

[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

Bad idea! I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids. This all reminds me of the Solomon story of whether to cut the baby in two. The one who loves most may give way.

Awesome post iambren!

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

Have you consulted a lawyer?

Do you have any insight as to why she just wants the one child?

If she is willing to give up two children, I would think you might could persuade her to give them all up.

About the moving - do what is best for your children. We all make sacrifices for our children. You will have a life after they are grown and gone but this is the only life you will have with them.

And I might add that if she is mentally unstable, start making notes with dates about things she does concerning the children. You might eventually need these notes for court.

 

[Cute Tink]

I would agree with those who are against splitting the kids up. Personally, I would never agree to split my kids up. Given your circumstances, I think it would be a bad idea to let your wife have more than visitation.

You need to do what is best for the children and you. If you are not happy with your situation, the children will notice and it will affect them accordingly.

I will also echo the idea about keeping notes. That is a very good idea and will help you in court if you need it.

 

[BlueJay83]

I had a quick chat with a lawyer asking for prices.
She basically gave me pointers as to how the court decides, and that I need to be able to demonstrate that I have been, and will continue to be their primary caregiver.
basically.. "don't let them out of your hand before the hearing, the court wont change custody arrangements for no good reason"

So, I've taken some steps to ensure it's "on the record" that I'm the one caring for the kids and getting them to and from school.

I have no real idea why she only wants the youngest one...
I think it's because he's a mommys boy and still acts the "baby" up as much as he can. Hes the naughtiest of all of them by far and always runs to her because he know she gives in to his incessant wining. Whereas, I don't and I set him straight.
So i think that she believes he loves her more because he runs to her all the time.

Good idea about taking notes, I'll stat doing that in a basic format.
I did get an excellent letter from her Psychiatrist supporting my application for childcare funding, which basically said she was unstable and unable to care for him.

Anyway, on a lighter note.
She's decided to come back and I am attempting to move on and forget what she's done.. she's made a bit of a change too, so I'm giving it another chance.
God wiling we can fix this relationship, I didn't want to let her come back after she was away for over a week, but thought I should give her a chance to prove that she was going to change.

I am still planning for the worst, and making sure life carries on as normal for the kids if she gets unwell again, or if she walks out again.

I do want to do what's best for the kids. I believe moving to that other town IS the best thing for both me and the kids, because I have family there. They have grandparents/Aunt/Nephews... There is nothing in this city for me.. especially now that my business is closing, my full time job is moving to another part of the city, and I've left the church we were very involved with for the last 10 or so years.
Everything is seemingly coming to a close here.

Anyway,
the first step is reconciliation now that (just a few days ago) she has decided she wants to give it another try.

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

I hope that all goes well for the both of you. May I suggest marriage counseling? And perhaps she needs some meds if she's not already on them? Is she OK with moving to another city now?

 

[BlueJay83]

I hope that all goes well for the both of you. May I suggest marriage counseling? And perhaps she needs some meds if she's not already on them? Is she OK with moving to another city now?

thanks

We're trying to get some free counseling sessions that can come from the Family court. We get six hours free.

She has been told by her Psychiatrist to stay on the prescribed medication for at least another 6 months.
Sh has not been taking them over the last 2 weeks, and she has always been taking them erratically since she left hospital.

Today she has been in bed all morning. It's currently 1:30Pm and she's still sleeping, because she wasn't sleeping well and had racing thoughts.
She took the wrong pill at the wrong time.. so her "self medication" is a huge problem.

She said after she came home that she loved it in the city because it was "fun", and now she wants to move closer to her family.
I do NOT want to do this, because her family are unsupportive, and a very bad influence on my kids. My mother and sister flew in from across the country to come help, and stayed for weeks. Her family is only 20 minutes drive away and they did a total of 1 hours babysitting to help me in the entire 3 months my wife was in Hospital.
all talk, all smiles, no action even when you ask.
When I say "bad influence", I can honestly say I have never seen children that are that naughty and disrespectful. They make the kids on shows like "Supernanny" look pretty normal. I'm not exaggerating.

I have told her "we'll see" how our Christmas holiday goes (in the city I want to move to, near my parents), and we can decide after that.

I don't think i have had a desire to live there for 11 years for no good reason. God puts these things in our hearts to lead us.

Anyway, I'm praying for new vision in this city, or for doors to open for us in the new little town.
Where there is no vision the people perish, I have no vision to be here anymore. My vision and desire is to move.

So, If He doesn't give me fresh vision, I'm leaving.

I don't want to say "with or without her", but i have a feeling it may come to that. She's too selfish to want to leave her family (as I have done for 5 years). Yet she expects me to live without mine.


Anyway,
I AM trying to reconcile, and make things better.... but as I say, I'm planning for the worst and hoping for the best.