Soul Tandem

[Silver Saint]

Soul Tandem



Black and Jaden, Burden laden,
Darkling Lord with Truthful Maiden
Silver wings and harshly taken,
Purpose driven, to be brazen.


Love and sex and pride to sever,
Cutting deeper, bleeding never,
Living tandem, Chasing heated,
Written, read it, cold and clever.



Strength for both, and weak to them,
Perfection seek the Silver Gem.
Love and take, entice and let,
Tandem whispers, Dark and Wet.





The other to 'Soul Rhythem', a former piece of mine. This has to do with the relationship of two souls, not just the being of one. Be brutal, be honest. Thoughts?

Go with God.



I am aware,
Isacc

 

[One Son of Many]

hmm....mechanically speaking (and I am no poet) the rhyme scheme is inconsistent. The first verse's scheme (tell me if I'm wrong) appears to be a-a-a-a. The second verse a-a-b-a. The third verse is a-a-b-b. You've clearly put some structure to your poem, so it couldn't be considered "abstract". Was your intent at putting a 'rhyme scheme' into the poem? However, it does seem to keep the same 'voice' throughout the verses.

Most lines suceeded in relaying thoughts and imagery. I had trouble with one line; the third line located in the first verse. My mind couldn't make the connection between 'silver wings' and 'harshly taken' or couldn't see the tie-in with the rest of the poem. Right now, I can't think of suggestions/substitutions. Maybe you can shed light on this line for me?

I do have to say, I like the imagery! I see in my mind, two souls bound to each other. They are opposites to each other (at war, perhaps?) and are constantly in search of a way to work in harmony. As individuals, they are weak. But together (in tandem..hehe) they become much stronger. That is, if they can ever find a way to become one.
I bet I am way off the mark......hehe.

 

[Silver Saint]

You are dead on, One Son. I could talk about Imagery all day, but for now I'll stick to the technical.
The third line of the first verse bears much significance to a book I'm writing. Unfortunately, I'm not to that particular point, so anything other than a poorly organized, long winded explaination would get even the most meager understanding across. You'll just have to trust me.
As far as the rhythem, it is a direct translation of the first poem of its type,'Soul Rhythem'. I looked at the first to get the second. However, the second having more people to portray, must somehow differ from the first, I'm just not sure how.

Soul Rhythm



Black and churning, Fire burning,
Ever twisting, stalwart learning
Dire pain and silent hurting,
Silver quick and loudly surging.

Blades and blood and bone and fight,
Running, living for the night,
Power calm, and burden now,
Lone and bold to breach new heights.



Soft and wet and warm and hot,
Still and strong: a wanting knot,
Rhythm, hurry, touch and breathe,
Stay your hand, prey, and keep.





Soul Tandem



Black and Jaden, Burden laden,
Darkling Lord with Truthful Maiden,
Silver wings and harshly taken,
Purpose driven to be brazen.



Love and sex and pride to sever,
Cutting deeper, bleeding never,
Living tandem, Chasing heated,
Written, read it, cold and clever.



Strength for both, but weak to them,
Perfection, seek the Silver Gem.
Love and take, entice and let,
Tandem whispers, Dark and Wet.

There you can see that they both follow the same plan, but I can't help but like the first better.
Thoughts?
Go with God.



I am aware,
Isacc

 

[One Son of Many]

Yes, I do see better now what you were trying to accomplish. You did it pretty well too!

I can also understand what you are getting at about taking a lot of words and space to get the whole idea (pertaining to silver wings/harshly taken). It would do an injustice to the idea to only give a partial explanation. You're just gonna have to hurry up and write that novel so I can find out the meaning.....hehe.

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

I enjoy your work all the time. I'm trying to free myself to critique peoples poetry more openly, and I know thats your desire.
I'm fond of your rhyme. Sometimes it's hard to keep the rhythm short and still consistently put words together without them sounding forced. You did a great job of this, not only on this poem but the one it's sequaling.

This verse struck me funny though
"Love and sex and pride to sever,
Cutting deeper, bleeding never,
Living tandem, Chasing heated,
Written, read it, cold and clever."
When reading it, the first two lines I can make sense of.. though they did require thought, but I'd rather you make me think about it than tell me anyway
however the following two I had trouble putting together. They flowed very nicely, but Chasing, heated/Written, read it... all felt like filler words to rhyme together and set up a rhyme with clever. Maybe you could expound the meaning, or what you were trying to convey to clarify the line for me, or maybe we could come up with something understandable

 

[Silver Saint]

Love and sex and pride to sever,
Cutting deeper, bleeding never,
Living tandem, Chasing heated,
Written, read it, cold and clever


Well, firstly, I'd like to thank you for you praise. I really don't know whatelse to say than that.
I'll explain myself as best I can. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about when something just feels right even though you can't say why, but I think I've reflected on this one long enough.
‘Living Tandem, Chasing heated,’
Indicative of the bond She and I will share. A blending of out purpose, running in stride, always pushing one another, and fighting to keep up at the same time. To live our lives this way is my highest ambition.

Chasing heated speaks of our quest to continually court and learn one another. A never ending game of flirting, teasing, hiding, bating, fighting and enticing that will keep us young forever.

‘Written, read it, Cold and clever,’

Is the biggest problem I have with the verse. Originally intended to relate to my writing and how I speak a part of our destiny every time I lay words to a page, one cannot really see that without being told, I feel. My writing is my life, but I may have to do without this time in favor of something that will lend more to the poem as a whole.

Adding another verse is an option as well, but I’ll have to see.

I hope that answers your questions. Take care, my friends.

Go with God.







I am aware,

Isacc

 

[brinny]

I'm not a poet, but I pay attention to visuals and how my gut responds. Poetry is about the gut, and really getting on paper in as few words as possible what's in there, isn't it?

I've heard that our 'gut' never lies to us and will surely speak truth if we let it. And you do. The visuals you brought to life packed a punch. It kept me reading. But moreso, it was the the intensity behind the words that caught my attention.

Got a suggestion tho'......less of the word 'and' ...it takes up dead space. Evict it.

For example:

Soul Rhythm



Black and churning, Fire burning,
I'm thinking 'Blackly churning' for instance. It grabs my gut. The 'and' waters it down somehow.

I've read a few of your posts. You have a gift. Let it shine as brightly as it can.

Awesome work

 

[Quixotic the Pedestrian]

thanks for the clarification silver saint -- sorry it took so long for me to get back I've been on hiatus for a minute.

I think it sounds great the way it is. A lot of times Ill try to criticize soemthing just in the chance the poet can come up with something that feels more connected to the though. I know it's hard to get critiques on here, so I'm trying to start reading poems not just for their emotion but for written content as well.

But all the complements formally stated still stand. I did and still do really enjoy this piece.