- May 20, 2011
- 2,920
- 1,091
- 34
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Atheist
- Marital Status
- Private
- Politics
- US-Democrat
Red, like the leaves of fall, drips down and into the perfect green grass, staining it and the sun beats down.
"All you can do now is just forgive."
I'm sorry, I cannot do that.
More red drips down my skin.
"We find the defendant not guilty."
Does it make me a liar, then? The grass is no long perfectly green, we are no longer the picture perfect American family. Instead, I have a mother made of glass, frozen in snow and a father who can not even look at me, little siblings dumped at a boarding school somewhere and a missing older brother.
My life was planned out by my mother. From my social status to what I will do with my future. It was planned out, the perfect image. A mother living through her daughter, it's the same story all over again. Except Mother did not get pregnant with me young, her first husband beat and raped her. The church excommunicated her as soon as she left him. Constant calls from the Bishop the night she packed up some clothes, my diapers and she fled with me in her arms.
The church and her ex husband harassed her for days.
Mother turned into glass and then met my father.
But I have no opinion, but they took Mother away from me.
Here's the thing about me: I used to watch them every day, from a distance, watching with envy as they left Sunday mass, looking so perfectly happy. The type of happiness I always longed for, always envied. It was ripped away from me when Mother turned into Frozen Glass. And they had happy families. They were close.
Bonded.
And now, I don't even know if there is a god.
"We find the defendant not guilty."
It will be a year in two days.
I was raped that night, two years ago. I had been drinking and chasing after some university guy who had graduated from my school the year previously and he finally noticed me.
I was raped. I can say it now. I can scream it now. I want to stomp my feet and scream it, loudly until my voice goes out, until someone hears me. Truly hears me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity. I want someone to hear me, to finally just hear me as me.
I'm sick of feeling alone in this.
People said it was my fault. I was the black sheep. I turned into a shadow as my Styrofoam life turned into glass and shattered, leaving me unable to pick up the pieces.
But, I think I'll be okay. Despite all this, I found people. Friends who know what it's like to be cast out.
Right now, I ache everywhere but I'm happy. And I know, I just know that I will be okay. Tomorrow, I will go to church with Mihail and Avery. Tomorrow, I will see what the fuss is about, and I'll just be happy. I'll be happy for the rest of my life.
"All you can do now is just forgive."
I'm sorry, I cannot do that.
More red drips down my skin.
"We find the defendant not guilty."
Does it make me a liar, then? The grass is no long perfectly green, we are no longer the picture perfect American family. Instead, I have a mother made of glass, frozen in snow and a father who can not even look at me, little siblings dumped at a boarding school somewhere and a missing older brother.
My life was planned out by my mother. From my social status to what I will do with my future. It was planned out, the perfect image. A mother living through her daughter, it's the same story all over again. Except Mother did not get pregnant with me young, her first husband beat and raped her. The church excommunicated her as soon as she left him. Constant calls from the Bishop the night she packed up some clothes, my diapers and she fled with me in her arms.
The church and her ex husband harassed her for days.
Mother turned into glass and then met my father.
But I have no opinion, but they took Mother away from me.
Here's the thing about me: I used to watch them every day, from a distance, watching with envy as they left Sunday mass, looking so perfectly happy. The type of happiness I always longed for, always envied. It was ripped away from me when Mother turned into Frozen Glass. And they had happy families. They were close.
Bonded.
And now, I don't even know if there is a god.
"We find the defendant not guilty."
It will be a year in two days.
I was raped that night, two years ago. I had been drinking and chasing after some university guy who had graduated from my school the year previously and he finally noticed me.
I was raped. I can say it now. I can scream it now. I want to stomp my feet and scream it, loudly until my voice goes out, until someone hears me. Truly hears me. I don't want sympathy, I don't want pity. I want someone to hear me, to finally just hear me as me.
I'm sick of feeling alone in this.
People said it was my fault. I was the black sheep. I turned into a shadow as my Styrofoam life turned into glass and shattered, leaving me unable to pick up the pieces.
But, I think I'll be okay. Despite all this, I found people. Friends who know what it's like to be cast out.
Right now, I ache everywhere but I'm happy. And I know, I just know that I will be okay. Tomorrow, I will go to church with Mihail and Avery. Tomorrow, I will see what the fuss is about, and I'll just be happy. I'll be happy for the rest of my life.
