Someone Please Help Me!

[JasonMP]

Okay, so lately my girlfriend has been having many issues with her relationship with God. I've been a Christian for 1 year now and my girlfriend has been a Christian for 2 years. She knows a lot more about God than I do and she has a better relationship than I.

But I need help, because my girlfriends been having trouble with her relationship with God. Every once and awhile she would regret something she has done because it was against God's Will/Her conviction. For example, she got into a depressive state over wearing short pants and make-up. She said it's against God's Will and she needs to give these things up for him. At first I couldn't see anything wrong with it, but I need to understand that this is indeed a sin and against God's Will. What do I tell her? I want to be helpful, I don't seem to ever have anything good to say. I don't know what advice to give her. I tell her she is a good person, because she thinks of God a lot! And she always thinks about what God would feel about it.

Well here's my biggest issue I am having and I hope someone can help me! I've been with my girlfriend for 3 months now. And we introduced the sexual-side(not sex) of the relationship. She seems perfectly opened to it and ready. However, after we are finished she feels like the most horrible person in the world. She says she betrayed God and she's not good enough for him. I said "That's not true, God forgives". Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with it! I love her, and she loves me. She want's the sexual relationship and so do I, but it's always after wards where she would enter the despressive and regretful state. I don't know what to tell her. I don't see why God would be against this, we're not having sex or anything. We love each other and because we expressed it in this way... is it truly against God's Will? I told her we won't do it anymore, but I wish I knew what to say in terms of what God would desire. Is God okay with this, or not? What do I tell her? She really is a good person and she beats herself over every mistake she makes. It's a great thing, she loves God, but everyone makes mistakes. I feel sometimes shes aiming for perfection. Someone please help!

I pray every night for an answer, I can't ask my friends because they don't know the will of God, and I'm too nervous to approach my pastor about this. I hope someone can help. Many Thanks!

 

[Macx]

And we introduced the sexual-side(not sex) of the relationship. She seems perfectly opened to it and ready. However, after we are finished she feels like the most horrible person in the world. She says she betrayed God and she's not good enough for him. I said "That's not true, God forgives".

Several problems here.

sexual-side but not sex . . . by that you mean some fashion of sexual activity that isn't intercourse of the fashion that leads to children (trying hard not to step across any lines. . . but get at the heart of the issue) it is sexual activity yes? Is there [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] involved (we don't need or want to know, keep that between God and you)? If there is [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] involved it is sex, get married, cut it out, or get real about not wanting to follow Christianity. . . those are the options & there aren't other options on the table. Yes, God forgives. . . doing the same thing over & expecting different results = uncool. It is also uncool to be asking your girlfriend to do things you know lead to feelings of guilt. Stop it.

For example, she got into a depressive state over wearing short pants and make-up.

Depressive state over shorts and make up? What denomination? Is this a docter's diagnosis?

 

[JasonMP]

Several problems here.

sexual-side but not sex . . . by that you mean some fashion of sexual activity that isn't intercourse of the fashion that leads to children (trying hard not to step across any lines. . . but get at the heart of the issue) it is sexual activity yes? Is there [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] involved (we don't need or want to know, keep that between God and you)? If there is [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] involved it is sex, get married, cut it out, or get real about not wanting to follow Christianity. . . those are the options & there aren't other options on the table. Yes, God forgives. . . doing the same thing over & expecting different results = uncool. It is also uncool to be asking your girlfriend to do things you know lead to feelings of guilt. Stop it.

Depressive state over shorts and make up? What denomination? Is this a docter's diagnosis?

You're right. I need to respect her wishes, and it should be my wish too. We're aiming for a Christian Relationship, so I guess this is not the way to behave. I'll be more obedient upon the matter.

And yes, we are pentecostal, wearing shorts, cutting hair, wearing make-up, is all a sin. I just don't know what to say to her when she feels upset about this.

I have another question... One time she called me and said she did something really horrible. I asked her what it was... and she told me she drank a shot of alcohol. She told me she felt so guilty because this is not what God would expect from her. I told her it's okay, it just a little bit, you knew it was wrong. Ask for forgiveness and show better this time. It doesn't seem like I said the right thing to her. I just wanna know how to respond to some of her mistakes she made with God. What do I say when she messed up? I can't keep saying God forgives. She knows that asking for forgiveness over and over is not good. Just like what you said. She seems to make a lot of mistakes, what do I tell her when she screws up again? She really is trying her best and hurting herself over it. I just hate having nothing good to say when something like this happens.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Marry her if you care for her that much. If you don't stop messing around and wasting time.

If you would not marry her you are stealing from her intended.

 

[Life2Christ]

I have another question... One time she called me and said she did something really horrible. I asked her what it was... and she told me she drank a shot of alcohol. She told me she felt so guilty because this is not what God would expect from her. I told her it's okay, it just a little bit, you knew it was wrong. Ask for forgiveness and show better this time. It doesn't seem like I said the right thing to her. I just wanna know how to respond to some of her mistakes she made with God. What do I say when she messed up? I can't keep saying God forgives. She knows that asking for forgiveness over and over is not good. Just like what you said. She seems to make a lot of mistakes, what do I tell her when she screws up again? She really is trying her best and hurting herself over it. I just hate having nothing good to say when something like this happens.

My father's family is Pentecostal and they are very legalistic in their way of thinking. They are very "do this/ don't do that". Legalistic sects (in any religion) just suck the life out of you. Instead of focusing on the path of righteousness with each other and with God, they are worried about make-up and having the proper dresscode. Instead of being righteous, they end up being self-righteous. I'm not talking about all people but just certain churches.

I don't know what to tell you about your girlfriend because I believe her issues might be related to the culture of her upbringing/her church. Follow her lead and try to make her as comfortable as you can.

 

[kallygilrie]

Ok, first I have to respond to Autumnleaf, DO NOT GET MARRIED!!! This is a completely rediculous solution that will not make things better. You've been together for 3 months. Anything sexual outside of marriage is a sin but so is getting married just so you can have sex. Marriage is not a catch all, fix all. Its a special vow between you, your spouse and God.

If you are doing anything sexual, this is sin. I understand you love each other and you feel this is the way you can show it but there are so many other ways to show it that aren't a sin. You need to speak to your gf and ask her to open up, tell her you want to know what she wants and that you support her.

I cant say much on the things about dress and makeup, i'm Independent. I dont believe wearing shorts and wearing make up are sin but thats just my up bringing. My cousin married into Independent Baptist where all women and girls aren't allowed to wear anything but dresses down to there ankles. It almost sounds like to me she's having a battle between her religion and her life on earth. She wants to be like others here but than she feels shame because of her religion. She needs to do some serious soul searching. She needs to find out who she is and then she will be able to be happy.

 

[JasonMP]

My father's family is Pentecostal and they are very legalistic in their way of thinking. They are very "do this/ don't do that". Legalistic sects (in any religion) just suck the life out of you. Instead of focusing on the path of righteousness with each other and with God, they are worried about make-up and having the proper dresscode. Instead of being righteous, they end up being self-righteous. I'm not talking about all people but just certain churches.

I don't know what to tell you about your girlfriend because I believe her issues might be related to the culture of her upbringing/her church. Follow her lead and try to make her as comfortable as you can.

I feel that way too, I don't feel like shes focusing on God but rather things like make-up and such. She tells me it's sinful and God will look down on her every time she wears those things. It appears she is trying to get rid of sin. I told her that rather than getting rid of sin, show God good things and it should overlap all the sin. I'm not sure if that made sense... Anyways she told me everyone has they're own personal conviction, and she said make-up and stuff like that is hers. She said you have to give up things that mean something to you "in this world" to prove that you love God. I am trying my best to follow her. I just don't completely understand the whole conviction thing, she has been a pentecostal for a lot more than me, so I don't know much. Is there any advice for the matter?

 

[JasonMP]

Ok, first I have to respond to Autumnleaf, DO NOT GET MARRIED!!! This is a completely rediculous solution that will not make things better. You've been together for 3 months. Anything sexual outside of marriage is a sin but so is getting married just so you can have sex. Marriage is not a catch all, fix all. Its a special vow between you, your spouse and God.

If you are doing anything sexual, this is sin. I understand you love each other and you feel this is the way you can show it but there are so many other ways to show it that aren't a sin. You need to speak to your gf and ask her to open up, tell her you want to know what she wants and that you support her.

I cant say much on the things about dress and makeup, i'm Independent. I dont believe wearing shorts and wearing make up are sin but thats just my up bringing. My cousin married into Independent Baptist where all women and girls aren't allowed to wear anything but dresses down to there ankles. It almost sounds like to me she's having a battle between her religion and her life on earth. She wants to be like others here but than she feels shame because of her religion. She needs to do some serious soul searching. She needs to find out who she is and then she will be able to be happy.

Yes you're right, I really don't care for the whole sexual thing, I just want to be with her. I just wanted a clear answer on if it was wrong. Now I know it is wrong and I won't do it again.

And with the whole make-up, it's hard for me to come up with an answer. I use to be just Christian and than she introduced me to Pentecostal. Now they have different twists and turns. I just don't see how make-up would be a sin. She told me in the bible God states not to mask your face. Because masking your face is telling God you're not happy with what he gave you. I mean, it makes sense and everything. I guess I'm just looking for a Non-Pentecostal answer and a Christian one. I told her there are many other ways to prove to God you love him rather than giving up on cosmetics. How do I support her on this? Because she can't seem to stop wearing make-up. What do I tell her when she does? How do I be the helpful person in her life?

 

[Life2Christ]

Anyways she told me everyone has they're own personal conviction, and she said make-up and stuff like that is hers. She said you have to give up things that mean something to you "in this world" to prove that you love God.

She's kidding herself if she's trying to strive for perfection. Perfection is a sickness and its making her sick in her heart and mind. There is nothing wrong with having personal convictions for God but those things need to make her HAPPY and JOYFUL. Not miserable. God doesn't want our sufferings, he wants our sacrifices. God doesn't want our donations if they are going to make us poor. He wants us to be GLAD about doing something for Him. Tell her to ruminate on that.

 

[JasonMP]

She's kidding herself if she's trying to strive for perfection. Perfection is a sickness and its making her sick in her heart and mind. There is nothing wrong with having personal convictions for God but those things need to make her HAPPY and JOYFUL. Not miserable. God doesn't want our sufferings, he wants our sacrifices. God doesn't want our donations if they are going to make us poor. He wants us to be GLAD about doing something for Him. Tell her to ruminate on that.

I was looking for an answer like this ! Thank you so much.
And it's true it appears "everything" sin is he personal conviction. She really is aiming for perfection and I know that it's impossible and I know it's not the point. I just wanna clear up some things before I tell her because she will have some stuff to say back and I will be clueless on what to say. What if she responds sufferings are sacrifices? So do I just tell her to forget about the personal convictions? It seems like that what shes been doing a lot of her focus on. What is she suppose to focus on if not personal convictions with God. I know the answer is God, but how can she do it outside of church?

 

[Life2Christ]

What if she responds sufferings are sacrifices? So do I just tell her to forget about the personal convictions? It seems like that what shes been doing a lot of her focus on. What is she suppose to focus on if not personal convictions with God. I know the answer is God, but how can she do it outside of church?

What is she supposed to focus on other than her personal convictions? Ask her if she's honoring God with her style of dress but neglecting to love others by not judging them, ask her if she prays for a more compassionate heart, instead of looking at others who don't dress/act like her, ask her if her righteousness is growing...or is it stagnant. These are the things she should be focusing on.

 

[GaryP]

Why are you so worried about her life and what she does. I would instead worry
about your own life.

Think about why your focus is off the Father in Heaven and on mundane things
like makeup and shorts.

A high price was paid, way too high to have your thoughts focused on make-up.

What is the real problem?

Do you want to convince her to have sex?

Case closed.

 

[JasonMP]

Why are you so worried about her life and what she does. I would instead worry
about your own life.

Think about why your focus is off the Father in Heaven and on mundane things
like makeup and shorts.

A high price was paid, way too high to have your thoughts focused on make-up.

What is the real problem?

Do you want to convince her to have sex?

Case closed.

We are working on a Christian Relationship so I want to be able to support her all the way in any type of need as well as in religious aspects. I can focus on God but she is struggling. I want to give her some good advice to assist her with her relationship with God. It means a lot to me that she keeps a good relationship with God. And it's not me losing focus on the lord because of "mundane" things. We are Pentecostal and it's a sin to wear make-up, inappropriate clothing (such as short shorts), and cut your hair. I was just confused on how me and my girlfriend would cope with this type of belief.

The real problem is I don't know what to say half the time, and I want to know how to respond to such events.

No I don't to convince her to have sex, me and her are abstinent, I just questioned if everything else was acceptable. I received my answer and now I know it is wrong in the lords eyes and I will stay obedient. That's not what I want her for.

 

[JasonMP]

What is she supposed to focus on other than her personal convictions? Ask her if she's honoring God with her style of dress but neglecting to love others by not judging them, ask her if she prays for a more compassionate heart, instead of looking at others who don't dress/act like her, ask her if her righteousness is growing...or is it stagnant. These are the things she should be focusing on.

Thank you, I will be sure to ask her these questions. But if she can't make a personal conviction, what other sacrifices can she make? She seems to be all about sacrifices and proving to God she loves him in other ways other than through prayer.

 

[Autumnleaf]

She's kidding herself if she's trying to strive for perfection. Perfection is a sickness and its making her sick in her heart and mind. There is nothing wrong with having personal convictions for God but those things need to make her HAPPY and JOYFUL. Not miserable. God doesn't want our sufferings, he wants our sacrifices. God doesn't want our donations if they are going to make us poor. He wants us to be GLAD about doing something for Him. Tell her to ruminate on that.

We should strive to be Christ-like and that means perfection is the goal.

Admitting defeat morally or otherwise before you even try takes the pressure off of you but its not what Jesus did.

What makes you think God wants you HAPPY and JOYFUL and GLAD? I understand people want to feel that way but I don't recall the Bible saying God is concerned about how we feel, so much as he is that we are righteous people. You can do all kinds of evil things to be happy quickly.

 

[alan650]

We should strive to be Christ-like and that means perfection is the goal.

Admitting defeat morally or otherwise before you even try takes the pressure off of you but its not what Jesus did.

What makes you think God wants you HAPPY and JOYFUL and GLAD? I understand people want to feel that way but I don't recall the Bible saying God is concerned about how we feel, so much as he is that we are righteous people. You can do all kinds of evil things to be happy quickly.

God wants us to be joyful and at peace! The goal of Christianity is to focus on Jesus and delight in his mercy and forgiveness and respond in a life of love for God and your neighbor.

Perfection is not our goal and nowhere in the Bible does it say "You should be perfect." We won't be perfect until we are in Heaven with the Lord!

To the OP, your girlfriend is clearly focused on legalism instead of God's grace and growing in her faith and joy with Christ as her focus. Advise her to open up to the New Testament and read everything that Jesus taught to see if she can see that the Pentecostals are quite simply ADDING TO THE GOSPEL restrictions and regulations which simply do not matter and are not there! That is what is so wrong with MAN-MADE RELIGION. Men think that the gift of Jesus isn't enough so they decide to nit pick and make all these regulations and laws for one another. It is just like the Pharisees in Jesus's day. They appeared righteous on the outside by following all the rules but their hearts were darkened and not truly healed. I am not saying your girlfriend is like this but I am saying she is going to wear herself out emotionally and spiritually if she is trying to live up to a man-made religion's standard! She needs to learn who Jesus really is and what he wants for her.

GOD BLESS!

 

[JasonMP]

God wants us to be joyful and at peace! The goal of Christianity is to focus on Jesus and delight in his mercy and forgiveness and respond in a life of love for God and your neighbor.

Perfection is not our goal and nowhere in the Bible does it say "You should be perfect." We won't be perfect until we are in Heaven with the Lord!

To the OP, your girlfriend is clearly focused on legalism instead of God's grace and growing in her faith and joy with Christ as her focus. Advise her to open up to the New Testament and read everything that Jesus taught to see if she can see that the Pentecostals are quite simply ADDING TO THE GOSPEL restrictions and regulations which simply do not matter and are not there! That is what is so wrong with MAN-MADE RELIGION. Men think that the gift of Jesus isn't enough so they decide to nit pick and make all these regulations and laws for one another. It is just like the Pharisees in Jesus's day. They appeared righteous on the outside by following all the rules but their hearts were darkened and not truly healed. I am not saying your girlfriend is like this but I am saying she is going to wear herself out emotionally and spiritually if she is trying to live up to a man-made religion's standard! She needs to learn who Jesus really is and what he wants for her.

GOD BLESS!

Thank you for your reply ! So all this make-up, short pants, cutting hair business is all in the New Testament ? So it really has no connection with the Bible after-all. How would I tell her to focus on Jesus ? I'm sure she would ask how . What does she need to do physically for Jesus. She feels as though she needs to give up something to prove her faith in Christ. That's why she told me make-up and stuff like that was her conviction.

 

[razeontherock]

Jason, what you need to do is make the decision that YOUR OWN relationship w/ G-d is more important than your relationship w/ your g/f. REALLY. She didn't save you, and can't save you.

I would NOT suggest trying to change your g/f's "convictions," but I WILL point out "not wearing make-up" is NOT her conviction if she 'can't seem to stop.' Right?

You need to grow in the Lord. You do that by finding answers to your questions, and obeying Him. As for your g/f "proving she loves G-d:"

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, [and] to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

The person that wrote that had the same Mother Jesus did, and his nickname was "ol' camel knees" because he spent so much time in prayer. I think he'd know.

 

[JasonMP]

Jason, what you need to do is make the decision that YOUR OWN relationship w/ G-d is more important than your relationship w/ your g/f. REALLY. She didn't save you, and can't save you.

I would NOT suggest trying to change your g/f's "convictions," but I WILL point out "not wearing make-up" is NOT her conviction if she 'can't seem to stop.' Right?

You need to grow in the Lord. You do that by finding answers to your questions, and obeying Him. As for your g/f "proving she loves G-d:"

"Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, [and] to keep himself unspotted from the world." James 1:27

The person that wrote that had the same Mother Jesus did, and his nickname was "ol' camel knees" because he spent so much time in prayer. I think he'd know.

I don't feel like I have any issues with my relationship with God. I feel like my relationship is growing. However, it's not the relationship with my girlfriend that I am concerned about it. It's her relationship with God that I am concerned about. And it's really important for me to help maintain her relationship with God because we wish to have a good Christian Relationship.

So a conviction is something you are willing to give up for God and be happy? Is wearing make-up a sin?

 

[Avniel]

God wants us to be joyful and at peace! The goal of Christianity is to focus on Jesus and delight in his mercy and forgiveness and respond in a life of love for God and your neighbor.

Perfection is not our goal and nowhere in the Bible does it say "You should be perfect." We won't be perfect until we are in Heaven with the Lord!

To the OP, your girlfriend is clearly focused on legalism instead of God's grace and growing in her faith and joy with Christ as her focus. Advise her to open up to the New Testament and read everything that Jesus taught to see if she can see that the Pentecostals are quite simply ADDING TO THE GOSPEL restrictions and regulations which simply do not matter and are not there! That is what is so wrong with MAN-MADE RELIGION. Men think that the gift of Jesus isn't enough so they decide to nit pick and make all these regulations and laws for one another. It is just like the Pharisees in Jesus's day. They appeared righteous on the outside by following all the rules but their hearts were darkened and not truly healed. I am not saying your girlfriend is like this but I am saying she is going to wear herself out emotionally and spiritually if she is trying to live up to a man-made religion's standard! She needs to learn who Jesus really is and what he wants for her.

GOD BLESS!

I am pentecostal and that is not true. What we are taught is not to become perfect. Perfection is impossible but Jesus was perfect. I wake up every day and my purpose of that day is to be as Christ like as possible because he is our example. I have never been in church and the pastor said dont drink, dont wear makeup, dont wear pants in church. Now when my mother was a child she couldn't go to the movies, didnt wear pants and still thinks drinking is the biggest sin.....But thats man taught it isnt taught in my church any longer, because that is religion. But dont be foolish enough to think that pentecostals are the only denomination with this in there history or in their doctrines.

My real problem is people look at Christianity in the church as a either a form of power to judge others(they have no heaven or hell to put anyone in) or they have a humanist view(or we are humans and we all make mistakes so its ok). The problem with being judgmental and self righteous is they miss out on love, they shun people away from God, they become mean and bitter and hurt the same people that pray for them. However the problem with the humanist view is they are only ankle deep in the water. You cant be ankle deep and just scratch the surface you have to be in the water waste deep and swim around. Building a relationship and strengthen your walk with God is more then just reading and praying...Its living for Christ by trying to be like Christ.

Also how do you know makeup doesnt make her vain? Maybe when she wears makeup she looks at herself in the mirror too much and thinks about her looks too much? Who's to say that she couldn't handle the shot and she was drunk off one shot? Maybe drinking isnt something she can do, maybe she wants to sacrifice a bit of her vanity to humble herself unto God and she feels she needs to do that to strengthen her walk. Who are we to say she knows what God wants her to do and what he doesn't.