Some Deep Considerations

[gore2828]

I am very conflicted and confused. For so long I have lived as a Christian. In all of these years, I have lived in doubt and fear. I have had a lot of pain in my life, it has left me hating myself. I doubt my salvation, I doubt my faith, and I doubt GodsG existence. I fear my doubts and fight to not let my doubts overcome me. I fight because I do believe but I doubt heavily. I fear myself and so much more. I am riddled with fear and self doubt. I have been seeing a counselor to help me work through this stuff. He said I my biggest issue is fear and grace. I hold very little grace for myself. He thinks I haven't truly accepted God's grace. I'm afraid this could be true and what this means. I fear I have lived so long but truly am not a Christian. I don't want to be like Judas, unable to fully receive God's grace and go to hell. Like I said confused and don't know what to do. Is it possible to be a Christian but not fully appropriate God's grace or understand it?

I need some wisdom, some truth.

 

[Of the Kingdom]

I am glad to hear you have a good Christian counselor. After we are saved, we are still fallible, and yes we can doubt and have fears.

As you come to see how much Jesus has forgiven you, and as you reach out to love and forgive others, your faith should grow and overcome your fear. Your salvation is based on God's actions, not yours. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life". The more you observe Christianity in action, and the more you walk "in His shoes", the more confidence you should have in your salvation.

The Bible clearly states that we can be assured of our salvation, but it does not say it will necessarily come quickly or automatically.