Social skills lessons

[LovebirdsFlying]

As someone who is quite possibly on the autism spectrum, I have a barrier in picking up social cues. Combined with a high intellect, what this leads to is a lot of, "Surely you can figure out..." "I shouldn't have to tell you..." "It's just plain common sense...." "If you're so smart, how come you don't know...."

Of course, it's not a matter of intelligence. It's a matter of perception. The part of my brain that is in charge of reading social signals, doesn't function properly, no matter how "smart" I am. I mentioned elsewhere in recovery that in my younger days this often made me the target of mocking, which I failed at the time to see because of my difficulty picking up cues. Usually this would take the form of telling me I'm doing fine, yes, that's cool, just keep doing that. Then they'd sit back and laugh at how dorky I look, doing what they told me to do. If I questioned my so-called mentors as to why people are laughing, if what I'm doing is so "cool," I'd be told it's a sign of their approval.

I don't see much difference between this, and deliberately not telling a blind man where the curb is, so you can laugh when he falls.

Even nowadays it can continue to happen. Recently I tried to start a discussion on my Facebook page about social situations and how to handle them, sort of a "things I wish someone had told me" thread. The only reply I received was from someone who wanted to offer crude advice on how to make it look like it was the person next to you who passed gas, not you. I do have a sense of humor, but that just wasn't helpful. After I de-friended that person, because he kept making "contributions" of that nature even after I pointed out I was looking for a serious discussion, the subject went nowhere. Could it be that people who don't have that challenge just don't understand?

So, I'll try bringing it here.

Please share social insights you have gained in living your life and dealing with your challenges.

I'll begin by pointing out that, although people liked to tell me I was stupid, they didn't actually think so. It wasn't necessary to try to demonstrate that I was smart, and doing that only made some people think I was conceited. They took me for rubbing my intelligence in their faces. This would cause them to want to take me down a peg or two, hence always zeroing in on my mistakes, and calling me by a now outdated word that starts with R and rhymes with "she started." Such insults started the cycle all over again. If only I had been aware sooner that I didn't have to prove my intelligence, that just because the others told me I was stupid didn't really mean they thought I was, it might have helped.

 

[RCF]

LovwbirdsFlying,
You are hitting on what I think is the biggest problem on the Spectrum. There are lots of "symptoms" but for a guy to not button the top button of his polo shirt is the problem. You know, there is a hole, there is a button, the creator of the shirt obviously intended it to be used. Why not use it?
Because for some reason, a shirt is not buttoned to the top unless you are wearing a tie.
Logically, in situations that you want to look nice and dress up a little, but not to the point of wearing a tie, you could just button the top of you dress shirt, but this is socially, or culturally incorrect. Oh except when you are wearing a button up waffle undershirt, which you can button up under another shirt that doesn't have the top button buttoned.

Lovebird, this is basically the conversation I had with my son. He still wants to button his top button occasionally, but I keep reminding him not to.

Think back to every situation that you have felt awkward in. Some of them you may have been buttoning your top button, other times you may have simply been surrounded by jerks. I would encourage you to find a friend that can reflect on these past experiences, and help decipher what the point of contention was. Then I would encourage you to document it. Share it with us. Let us know what is going on, maybe we can help each other out.
It would be nice if there was a list of commonly missed social skills for people on the spectrum, but I am not aware of one, yet. Maybe we can start something that will be helpfull to others.

OK, I've rambeled on long enough. Lovebird, you are in my prayers. You didn't ask for it, but you are there never-the-less.

And yes, you are correct. People who have not experienced it in their personal lives most likely do not comprehend the dificulties you are going through. Kids in particular tend to make fun of what they don't understand. We must teach.

RCF

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I know some men who don't button that top button even when they are wearing a tie.

Which brings me to another clothing contribution: I started getting a lot more genuine compliments on my clothing choices, when I started trusting my own judgment instead of relying *completely* on what others tell me. That may sometimes conflict with the top button advice, but in my case it didn't. I have a pretty good fashion eye, it turns out, but I wasn't trusting myself when I should have. It comes from a lifetime of people telling me how wrong my choices are, I think. And, as above, they'd often make a game of it to amuse themselves, because they knew I'd do whatever they told me was "cool."

"Yeah, everybody's combining pink polka dots and green stripes with purple and yellow plaid. That looks great. Oh, you don't think it does? Well, that's because you're a nerd and you don't know what cool is." Needless to say, I'd end up being the only one dressed like that. Only after I stopped listening to those people and followed my own taste did I stop dressing like a clown.

(ETA, my own mother did that to me once....)

A list of commonly missed social skills is exactly what I'd like to create.

 

[RCF]

Well let's start now LovebirdsFlying.
This is for guys, involving proper personal space. Most of your teenage friends that are guys will feel uncomfortable if you get too close to them. One example is in a theatre. Unless you are watching with a large group, such as a school field trip, guys typically leave an empty seat between them. This is even more important in the restroom. Not trying to be funny, but guys usually feel more comfortable leaving a station between friends. Don't go right beside your friends, skip a station unless the restroom is completely full. I bring this up because sometimes moms are the ones to help socialize their sons. May not ever be brought up in that case. By the way, an Autistic Professor mentioned this in a siminar he was giving.

RCF

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

^That's good advice. Men are much more uncomfortable than women are about having their personal space invaded by the same gender. Women may be slightly more flexible, but much of the time, they aren't exactly comfortable with it either. It would have helped if someone had told me, even as a girl, keep conversation to a minimum in the restroom.

There are jokes about how people never talk in elevators. Writer Erma Bombeck, in one of her columns, talked about meeting up with her husband in a public building right after she'd seen the doctor. He asked her how it went. She began, "The doctor says I'm going to have a..." Then the elevator door opened, they got on, rode in silence until the door opened again and they got off, and she finished with, "...baby."

With restrooms, that almost isn't even a joke. Especially with strangers. Really, they aren't interested in the fact that you've had to go all day, and you're relieved you finally got your chance. In fact, they're wondering why on earth you're telling them that.

To anyone who happens to be reading this, who doesn't have any trouble picking up social skills: Incredible as it may seem, yes. Some of us do need to be told these things, no matter how intelligent we may be.

 

[RCF]

This is for parents or guardians of kids on the spectrum. You know how kids will see something different about someone else and innocently comment about them, possibly to the person. There is an honesty in children; they haven't developed their filter for what not to say. For example, commenting to your teacher about the huge pimple on her nose. It may be true, but calling attention to it can be problematic for the teacher as well as the child pointing it out.
I have noticed that trait sticks around for kids on the spectrum a little longer than others. I can't tell anyone how to fix it, but it is something to be aware of and work through with your child. They may not be trying to be rude, just painfully honest.

RCF

 

[artqween]

As someone who is quite possibly on the autism spectrum, I have a barrier in picking up social cues. Combined with a high intellect, what this leads to is a lot of, "Surely you can figure out..." "I shouldn't have to tell you..." "It's just plain common sense...." "If you're so smart, how come you don't know...."

Of course, it's not a matter of intelligence. It's a matter of perception. The part of my brain that is in charge of reading social signals, doesn't function properly, no matter how "smart" I am. I mentioned elsewhere in recovery that in my younger days this often made me the target of mocking, which I failed at the time to see because of my difficulty picking up cues. Usually this would take the form of telling me I'm doing fine, yes, that's cool, just keep doing that. Then they'd sit back and laugh at how dorky I look, doing what they told me to do. If I questioned my so-called mentors as to why people are laughing, if what I'm doing is so "cool," I'd be told it's a sign of their approval.

I don't see much difference between this, and deliberately not telling a blind man where the curb is, so you can laugh when he falls.

Even nowadays it can continue to happen. Recently I tried to start a discussion on my Facebook page about social situations and how to handle them, sort of a "things I wish someone had told me" thread. The only reply I received was from someone who wanted to offer crude advice on how to make it look like it was the person next to you who passed gas, not you. I do have a sense of humor, but that just wasn't helpful. After I de-friended that person, because he kept making "contributions" of that nature even after I pointed out I was looking for a serious discussion, the subject went nowhere. Could it be that people who don't have that challenge just don't understand?

So, I'll try bringing it here.

Please share social insights you have gained in living your life and dealing with your challenges.

I'll begin by pointing out that, although people liked to tell me I was stupid, they didn't actually think so. It wasn't necessary to try to demonstrate that I was smart, and doing that only made some people think I was conceited. They took me for rubbing my intelligence in their faces. This would cause them to want to take me down a peg or two, hence always zeroing in on my mistakes, and calling me by a now outdated word that starts with R and rhymes with "she started." Such insults started the cycle all over again. If only I had been aware sooner that I didn't have to prove my intelligence, that just because the others told me I was stupid didn't really mean they thought I was, it might have helped.

U sound as though u were friendly mockd in the past? Am i right???

Nice avatar btw. Hi.. interesting thread.
I love ur user name..

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

U sound as though u were friendly mockd in the past? Am i right???

Nice avatar btw. Hi.. interesting thread.
I love ur user name..

I don't know how friendly it was, but mocked, yes.

Thank you for the compliments.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband is another one who could very well be on the spectrum. At this stage of our lives, we have decided not to seek a formal diagnosis because nothing would really change, but we act under the assumption that it's true.

His biggest problem is that he doesn't discern tone of voice. He can hear loud or soft, but not level of emotion. The advantage for him is that if he doesn't hear another person's snide tone, he isn't as likely to get his feelings hurt. The disadvantage is that he also doesn't hear himself, and how he sounds, so he is very likely to hurt someone else's feelings without realizing it. That can work very much against him as a bus driver! Passengers do complain sometimes about him being rude and abrasive. I've ridden with him, and I can see why they come to that conclusion. It so happens I know him well enough to realize he wasn't trying to be a jerk, but they don't know him as well as I do, and they're going to take it that way.

I think we do need it explained to us why tone of voice matters, and how not to come off as rougher than we intend.

 

[RCF]

I think this is going to have something to do with the lack of eye contact some people with ASDs may experience. Similar sympton with different manifestation.
I have noticed that my son is good with eye contact in a direct conversation, but he could go for hours without any nonverbal cues in the vacinity of a conversation, never show any indications that he is aware of what is going on, and then comment on the conversation. Several days ago, it was 2 hours after the conversation, and he just brought it up, commenting his point of view when a totally good example of what we had been discussing occured.
This was not something that bothered me, but something I just notice about him. It is something that could make a neurotypical conversation in a typical social setting a little awkward, and the person on the spectrum might never realize there is a problem.
RCF

 

[artqween]

I think this is going to have something to do with the lack of eye contact some people with ASDs may experience. Similar sympton with different manifestation.
I have noticed that my son is good with eye contact in a direct conversation, but he could go for hours without any nonverbal cues in the vacinity of a conversation, never show any indications that he is aware of what is going on, and then comment on the conversation. Several days ago, it was 2 hours after the conversation, and he just brought it up, commenting his point of view when a totally good example of what we had been discussing occured.
This was not something that bothered me, but something I just notice about him. It is something that could make a neurotypical conversation in a typical social setting a little awkward, and the person on the spectrum might never realize there is a problem.
RCF

Hey.. What is spectrum??

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Hey.. What is spectrum??

It refers to being on the autism spectrum.

 

[artqween]

It refers to being on the autism spectrum.

O Thanx..for the url. Ill check it out.. There r med.s advances right? Foods that can Help?? Support groups in the area Hospitals/.God plez put an end to
Autism?? finding cures/.. Now??
Thanx

interesting avatar . Is she smiling?

 

[RCF]

There are meds and diets that may give some assistance; we have tried both but had only very minimal success. Our best help has been from a therapist, or behavior therapy to be more percise. It is not as quick as taking an advil for a headache, but it is helping. We are basically learning how to recognize what's going on around us, and respond in a socially acceptable way.

 

[artqween]

There are meds and diets that may give some assistance; we have tried both but had only very minimal success. Our best help has been from a therapist, or behavior therapy to be more percise. It is not as quick as taking an advil for a headache, but it is helping. We are basically learning how to recognize what's going on around us, and respond in a socially acceptable way.

How r u feeling?? And where does this come from?? Hope u feel at peace, strenght, courage,.. Joind a church? Say hey to ur neighbors? hey btw
Rcf... ur on disability right?
Plezd to meet u. U r doing excellent now.. Kudos to u.. High five

Friendly reminder.. Support groups at ur local hospitals/clinics/.. To reach out to.. Churchs as well

Also check out my hello awesome bros and sis.s thread i creatd on new christain section? Join us.. attach refreshments and quotes.. if u have a cell phone go to ur app store on ur search type in free wallpaper.. Then
Find food/quotes/.. Save it on ur gallery
And attach it to our party thread -consider ...

 

[RCF]

I am the father of a 10 year old with Asperger's Syndrome. I look back and see that I refer to "we" and "us" in some of my posts. I don't have the same symptoms my son does, but we are working through them together, as a family.

So, we are doing good.

 

[artqween]

I am the father of a 10 year old with Asperger's Syndrome. I look back and see that I refer to "we" and "us" in some of my posts. I don't have the same symptoms my son does, but we are working through them together, as a family.

So, we are doing good.

What r the symptoms? r u both going to support groups in ur area?? r u updated in ur med.s for it?? is there a special food plan that can help or cure
This??? Hey btw rcf

 

[motherprayer]

As someone who is quite possibly on the autism spectrum, I have a barrier in picking up social cues. Combined with a high intellect, what this leads to is a lot of, "Surely you can figure out..." "I shouldn't have to tell you..." "It's just plain common sense...." "If you're so smart, how come you don't know...."

Of course, it's not a matter of intelligence. It's a matter of perception. The part of my brain that is in charge of reading social signals, doesn't function properly, no matter how "smart" I am. I mentioned elsewhere in recovery that in my younger days this often made me the target of mocking, which I failed at the time to see because of my difficulty picking up cues. Usually this would take the form of telling me I'm doing fine, yes, that's cool, just keep doing that. Then they'd sit back and laugh at how dorky I look, doing what they told me to do. If I questioned my so-called mentors as to why people are laughing, if what I'm doing is so "cool," I'd be told it's a sign of their approval.

I don't see much difference between this, and deliberately not telling a blind man where the curb is, so you can laugh when he falls.

Even nowadays it can continue to happen. Recently I tried to start a discussion on my Facebook page about social situations and how to handle them, sort of a "things I wish someone had told me" thread. The only reply I received was from someone who wanted to offer crude advice on how to make it look like it was the person next to you who passed gas, not you. I do have a sense of humor, but that just wasn't helpful. After I de-friended that person, because he kept making "contributions" of that nature even after I pointed out I was looking for a serious discussion, the subject went nowhere. Could it be that people who don't have that challenge just don't understand?

So, I'll try bringing it here.

Please share social insights you have gained in living your life and dealing with your challenges.

I'll begin by pointing out that, although people liked to tell me I was stupid, they didn't actually think so. It wasn't necessary to try to demonstrate that I was smart, and doing that only made some people think I was conceited. They took me for rubbing my intelligence in their faces. This would cause them to want to take me down a peg or two, hence always zeroing in on my mistakes, and calling me by a now outdated word that starts with R and rhymes with "she started." Such insults started the cycle all over again. If only I had been aware sooner that I didn't have to prove my intelligence, that just because the others told me I was stupid didn't really mean they thought I was, it might have helped.

I love you for starting this thread. I can't offer much help, as a sufferer myself, but I just want to say I understand.

 

[artqween]

I love you for starting this thread. I can't offer much help, as a sufferer myself, but I just want to say I understand.

Ur on disability right?? Consider signing up for access program from
Dcf??? Consider checking out support groups in ur local hospital/clinics/..??
They can also help?? "God plez help guide our friend/..with his issues now?"
Just talking about ur symptoms and finding updated med.s and other treatments from ur dr. Is a huge step
In the right direction.. Possibly??
It seems.. May feel better everday..
You and ur child..

 

[motherprayer]

Ur on disability right?? Consider signing up for access program from
Dcf??? Consider checking out support groups in ur local hospital/clinics/..??
They can also help?? "God plez help guide our friend/..with his issues now?"
Just talking about ur symptoms and finding updated med.s and other treatments from ur dr. Is a huge step
In the right direction.. Possibly??
It seems.. May feel better everday..
You and ur child..

Bless you Sister.. But I'm a girl, and I do work