I know i posted here recently but yeah..
I am trying so hard to save so that I can move away. It is so difficult. I am working every single day and I never have a day off. I am trying to save but the money I get is small. If its not my LDR that is giving me problems it is my Dad. I love him so much. He shows me he loves me in lots of ways. He bought me this really nice blender today that I have wanted for awhile now. But in other ways, he treats me so badly that Idk what to do. He always belittles me, tells me I am the stupidest person he knows. Or that I am worthless. He will yell at me bitterly for a long time and I don't know. I don't want to believe I am all these things he calls me but it makes sense. My memory isn't that great so I am apt to forget. But the things he yells at me are so ridiculous to me that I just don't understand. Hes a 'do as i say not as i do' so i get confused easy sometimes. Most of the time, he will tell me to do something specifically, so i do that. but then he will tell me he didnt tell me to do that, and he starts calling me names. This is the most common thing i deal with. No one else in my life or work has these issues with me. But my dad makes me feel like the worst person i know. I used to cry every night over the constant yelling he does to me. He sometimes scares me, and he has hit me before. He threatens me once in awhile. I know he loves me but i am just a mess. My LDR is on my mind a lot which is painful. My dad is on me every single day. My car was sold by my mom for 500 bucks. My brother and sister have nothing to do with me. They have their own lives. I know I am complaining but I am trying to be strong too. Ive been dealing with it all for so many years that when people try to be mean to me i dont feel anything ive gotten to the point where I think people pale in comparison to what my dad has done. and now even when he does these things i am numb to him too. i just take it and then go. the only good thing i got out of this is that i found god because i needed relief that badly. i became a christian because i hate my life so much. maybe this was gods plan, and now i just need to keep saving to move away.
i needed to vent somehow. i am disturbed quite a lot tonight... im sorry
I am trying so hard to save so that I can move away. It is so difficult. I am working every single day and I never have a day off. I am trying to save but the money I get is small. If its not my LDR that is giving me problems it is my Dad. I love him so much. He shows me he loves me in lots of ways. He bought me this really nice blender today that I have wanted for awhile now. But in other ways, he treats me so badly that Idk what to do. He always belittles me, tells me I am the stupidest person he knows. Or that I am worthless. He will yell at me bitterly for a long time and I don't know. I don't want to believe I am all these things he calls me but it makes sense. My memory isn't that great so I am apt to forget. But the things he yells at me are so ridiculous to me that I just don't understand. Hes a 'do as i say not as i do' so i get confused easy sometimes. Most of the time, he will tell me to do something specifically, so i do that. but then he will tell me he didnt tell me to do that, and he starts calling me names. This is the most common thing i deal with. No one else in my life or work has these issues with me. But my dad makes me feel like the worst person i know. I used to cry every night over the constant yelling he does to me. He sometimes scares me, and he has hit me before. He threatens me once in awhile. I know he loves me but i am just a mess. My LDR is on my mind a lot which is painful. My dad is on me every single day. My car was sold by my mom for 500 bucks. My brother and sister have nothing to do with me. They have their own lives. I know I am complaining but I am trying to be strong too. Ive been dealing with it all for so many years that when people try to be mean to me i dont feel anything ive gotten to the point where I think people pale in comparison to what my dad has done. and now even when he does these things i am numb to him too. i just take it and then go. the only good thing i got out of this is that i found god because i needed relief that badly. i became a christian because i hate my life so much. maybe this was gods plan, and now i just need to keep saving to move away.
i needed to vent somehow. i am disturbed quite a lot tonight... im sorry