We have been married 26 years, wow, and since the empty nest syndrome for me has been hard and I am finally recovering from the grieving process as i call it. My husband and I have cycles and this last one just confuses me. Over the winter I have started some counseling. Husband knows but has never asked me about it at all. So, heres the lastest, He was carrying groceries in and a new cat that was dropped off at our house by our granddaughter (We live in the country) was trying to get in the house which is a no no. I was trying to move it out of the way with my foot and he forcefully moves it and I yelled at him to stop it and he just screams in my face to shut up just shut up. Now hes mad at me and wont talk. This is a constant pattern and I really think he needs medicated or something. So here is how it goes, from here, no talking for about a week or so and then I have to patch things up. Not sure I can continue this and he wont talk about anything because he says there is no way you want to hear what i have to say and my response is always that I do and that I would like to clear things up. This roller coaster is not my kind of ride. Any advice or best way to handle this. I have not told anyone of this except counselor and she has helped some but just tired of feeling like its always my fault. Thanks all.
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CF has always been a site that welcomes people from different backgrounds and beliefs to participate in discussion and even debate. That is the nature of its ministry. In view of recent events emotions are running very high. We need to remind people of some basic principles in debating on this site. We need to be civil when we express differences in opinion. No personal attacks. Avoid you, your statements. Don't characterize an entire political party with comparisons to Fascism or Communism or other extreme movements that committed atrocities. CF is not the place for broad brush or blanket statements about groups and political parties. Put the broad brushes and blankets away when you come to CF, better yet, put them in the incinerator. Debate had no place for them. We need to remember that people that commit acts of violence represent themselves or a small extreme faction.
So, What do you think...
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It would help if you posted more information.. Its hard to "read between the lines" with such little to go on and considering there are two sides to every story, it would really help if you elaborated a bit.
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ValleyGal
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- Dec 19, 2012
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My folks had this kind of dynamic. Very unhealthy. Mom finally left. Both parents had their complaints and both had unhealthy ways of coping with the others' unhealthy coping. In addition, neither measured up to the others' expectations, so those unhealthy ways of coping emerged during those times as well. Add to that my dad's sense of entitlement and control in the family, and it was a really bad mix all around.
I think if it is not already too late, Retrauvaille might be able to help. My folks tried it, but it was too late for them; they had far too much resentment and contempt that they could not work through, even though it was worth it for them to try to save what little they might have had. You might want to consider Retrauvaille, though. It is supposed to be one of the more successful programs available. Also try to find a Gottman-trained therapist near you. If your husband is willing to attend counselling, this is also a very successful method.
In the meantime, give some thought as to why you yelled at him about the cat. If he was being forceful with the cat, why not just speak about it rather than yelling. By yelling, you invited his yelling response (and if someone yells at me, I also just want to tell them to shut up because I hate yelling - it is disrespectful and contemptuous).
I think if it is not already too late, Retrauvaille might be able to help. My folks tried it, but it was too late for them; they had far too much resentment and contempt that they could not work through, even though it was worth it for them to try to save what little they might have had. You might want to consider Retrauvaille, though. It is supposed to be one of the more successful programs available. Also try to find a Gottman-trained therapist near you. If your husband is willing to attend counselling, this is also a very successful method.
In the meantime, give some thought as to why you yelled at him about the cat. If he was being forceful with the cat, why not just speak about it rather than yelling. By yelling, you invited his yelling response (and if someone yells at me, I also just want to tell them to shut up because I hate yelling - it is disrespectful and contemptuous).
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- Jun 22, 2007
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Since you said you're "tired of feeling like it's always my fault"......do you really believe this incident was YOUR fault?
Do you think that if you were able to look at each incident more objectively (w/o going by your husband's response) that would help?
Because, personally, I don't see a need to be unkind to animals (which it sounds like you were upset with your husband about, if I read that right).....and you were correct in asking him to stop it......although there may have been a better way to have asked him to stop, like VG mentioned (and he was wrong, I believe, in telling you to "shut up"). So I don't believe you *should* feel this was your fault.
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- Jun 22, 2007
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Typically.....how do you "patch things up"? Do you apologize? Because I don't see any reason why you "need to patch things up".
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