... What do people really expect.
Therein lies your problem. Allow me to explain; I wallowed in the depths of suicidal depression for years, over a decade, and it took me as many years to be pulled out of it. Yes, pulled out, because I certainly didn't do anything to climb out under my own strength.
I was profoundly self-absorbed, but I didn't realize it because my self-absorption was disguised as righteousness! I was constantly condemning myself for my faults and justifying myself however I could irrationally rationalize. It was nonsense in hindsight, but at the time I let my emotions dictate so much of my life I didn't even realize it.
I hurt constantly, and so I constantly sought to placate myself, and one of those ways was through other people. I would lie to project the image I wanted, manipulate to get what I wanted, and yet, never get what I wanted! I would go through cycles of seeking after people and then resenting them when they hurt me, yet seeking them to soothe the pain, yet hate them for failing to do so.
In your current state, everything is miserable. You could meet Jesus Himself and be hurt by Him. I don't say this as an attack, I say it to provide perspective, because ultimately, that's what you need to change.
Matthew 6:22 and 23 says "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your vision is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your vision is poor, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!"
Now, this is my interpretation of those verses and I fully expect you to take it with a grain of salt (we
are the salt of the earth, after all
), but I take that as a metaphor for how we see life, as far as our perspectives. If we align our perspective with God's, our vision is clear and we walk without stumbling, and our body is full of light. If our perspective is clouded with worldliness, our whole body is full of darkness. And if, in that darkness, we think we have light, then that darkness is profound and nearly inescapable because we then reject the true light in favor of the familiar "light" we think we have.
So where do we get the real light when we're stumbling around in the darkness? How do we align our perspective with God so that we can be filled with peaceful, joyful light instead of painful, miserable darkness?
It's incredibly simple. Really, really simple. So simple, in fact, that Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, "Then He said, 'I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the kingdom of heaven.'" I'm sure there is more, but one thing the Lord pointed out to me was that children simply accept things the way they are. Whether sleeping on a mat in a dirty hallway or on a bed that costs more than some peoples cars, a child simply curls up and sleeps. It is truly a blessing to "relearn" the notion of life, that "it is what it is" and everything is exactly as it should be.
How can I say that of you if you feel so much pain? Life is not the cause of your pain. The absence of God in your life is the cause of your pain.
So here's how to get Him, how to get "real light," relief from your pain, the comfort you seek:
#1 - Call out to God. He's real, and He's listening, and He's patiently waiting for you to come to Him. Your presence here is evidence that He is calling you. So call back. Tell Him how you feel. Ask Him to give you what you need. Not what you want, but what you need, and trust that you not only will get it, but already have it. Because you do.
#2 - Seek God, specifically in His word, the bible. Read it with the intent of finding out who He is. Don't judge what you read, don't attach meaning to it right away, just read it like a child would, take it at face value. As you read more, you get more light, and more is revealed, and it begins to make sense in a way that is beyond words.
You see, God is the solution to all of your problems, every single one. He is the fulfillment you seek. He is the comfort you want. He is the peace you need. What other people want or expect is almost always in direct conflict with that, so don't worry about them! Worry about the only One who matters!
I hope I have helped you or someone, because I understand crushing depression. I wish I had better words to express it, but there are no words for the Spirit better than the ones He already published. Knowing God is such an incredible experience and a profound blessing.
