So I'm Separated, what next?

[COVINABP]

So I did a lot wrong, I ignored all kinds of things that meant so much to my wife, but I have changed, I have identified all the issues, and made changes very quickly, and I have held true to my changes.

She left me on the 3rd of july, she is not home yet, she says she needs to heal, I don't know what that means or intails, and she can't tell me. We left on the 24th of august & got home on the 4rth of september from a trip to Lake shasta, & we slept in the same bed everyday of the trip. We had had sex on the 3rd week of separation, things were & still do look "good" for us to get back together, but then she left out of the country for 3 weeks, when returned, she was not as much willing to be kissed & such by me, (seems like she slid backwards @ this time apart).

Now we are home, I am having trouble with her still not moving back in, and truthfully, I am beggining to think she wants a divorce, but wants me to be the one who "gives up on us" so she doesn't look bad. I am thinking that this is so true, maybee I should do this, maybee I should "give up", then I could start to heal, I mean, I have told her every day she & my daughter stay away from me is a day she hurts me, and as soon as she comes home, I will forgive & forget, she says I am forgiven, still needs to heal

What did I do that she needs to heal, I don't smoke, drink do drugs, beat her or our daughter, I simply spent too little time with them for one, and the other is I expected plenty of sex, I once said "I am stronger than you" when she didn't want to, but I was not serious.

My question, what do I do, should I just let it be, walk away? if you want more detail, please, feel free to ask, I will hold nothing back, I have no reason too. I am a changed man, I can honestly tell you, ask any of my car pool budys, they know best I am a changed man. I also changed 1 thought I had, I always had said this would be my only marraige, and well, if we were together & something happened to her, I would never re-marry, but if it ends this way, I am beggining to think it is ok to re-marry, if it comes along, not that I want to go hunting.

I haven't given up YET, but I don't know how long to hold out.

Thanks & god bless to all, any advice is welcomed.

William

 

[novi12]

Dear COVINABP did u repent.. confessed? then do that and surrender ruself to the Lord...... Forgive and say the Divine Mercy prayer for ur wife. Don't think of divorce or remarry as thats the Devil's Life........ Chek the Post I am gonna give for CJBA..
Lord Cover COVINABP and his wife with ur Precious Blood and heal their wounds........ Amen

 

[COVINABP]

Dear COVINABP did u repent.. confessed? then do that and surrender ruself to the Lord...... Forgive and say the Divine Mercy prayer for ur wife. Don't think of divorce or remarry as thats the Devil's Life........ Chek the Post I am gonna give for CJBA..
Lord Cover COVINABP and his wife with ur Precious Blood and heal their wounds........ Amen

Yes, I have confessed & repent to the lord, I also have confessed everything to my wife, with only one exception I plan to tell her in counciling, & that is how my veiw on re-marraige has changed, I find it easy not to think of the remarry, I don't want to, but I find it hard not to think about the divorce, that she may do it, or maybee it is better, I have these thoughts, and stop myself, give the thought to God, & pray for his help, so I am praying very often, each time this thought comes, or the thought of me trying to fix things, I stop, & give the battle to God. But you are right, every time satan gets a chance, he does try to come in, and if you have any ideas on how else to help stay away from these thoughts, I would love to hear it,

Thanks novi12, & God Bless

 

[cjba]

You and your family are in my prayers.

If you don't want the marriage to end. Then my all means do not let her push you to be the one to go for a divorce. You can look at your options on protecting yourself. This part took me too long.


If you look at my post you will see that I had my court date for divorce and last night my husband told me he wants an extension. This is a little ray of hope.

God Bless

 

[madison1101]

Pray and wait on the Lord. You may want to read the book, "The Power of a Praying Husband" which will guide you in praying for your wife.

Do not file for divorce. Do not date while you are separated. Just wait on the Lord and see what she does.

 

[COVINABP]

Cjba, Thank you, do you know how much a lawyer costs to learn what to do to protect myself?


Madison1101, Thank you, I will buy that book today, and thank you for the advice.

William

 

[novi12]

Dear william yes pray the Divine Mercy prayer for ur wife and just have faith in the Lord........ U'll be guided by the Lord soon.. but don't fall in satan trap. Now that u have repented urself practice humbleness and forgivness Mr william and the battle will be urs......... Since santan tries to come in to tempt us try and confess urself once a week... and see the Power of the Lord.....Lord will hcnage ur wife mind .. when u pray the devine Mercy prayer for her......
Lord cover william n his wife with ur precious Blood n heal all their wounds....... Change her wife mind and show her how much William loves her.. Reconcile their broken relation and unite them lord Amen

 

[cjba]

The cost of a lawyer depends on where you live. Here in California the standard is anywhere from $3200 - 3500 for a retainer fee.

What I did is go for a free consultation. The lawyer will let you know your rights. When our situation got a bit worse I paid $100.00 for a lawyer consultation. This gave me alot of info that I was able to use to get a Paralegal. The first file that I did the Paralegal only cost $50.00 because I filled out the paperwork myself. I wanted the Paralegal to review the paperwork.

The 2nd time when out situation was more serious when he filed against me. The paperwork to be filed by the Paralegal cost me $375.00 . However, the information I requested on the statement waws info. was from info given to me from the lawyer.

One thing I learned is the one that files first has the upperhan on the case. I filed first only because I found a draft where my husband wanted to keep the house and kids. I only wanted what was fair.

I continue to not want the divorce. But my husband gave me no choice but to protect myself.

I continue to have you and your family in prayer. I pray your wife will be able to heal and see that your marriage can be restored. What I have learned that no matter what the outcome it is all a choice. Our sadness being the one left behind is also a choice. We feel rejected and torn. Our dreams shattered, our future unsure. The only thing we can be sure of is we have a choice on how we handle what our spouses are throwing at us.

It took me too long to learn this lesson. We are now in limbo and my husband asked for an extension for our divorce. We are actually going out to a concert tonight together. I don't know where this will take us. I pray our marriage will be restored. But to be honest I have let go of the man that was once my husband. This is the same thing you must do with your wife. Don't be too pushing. Give her space. Respect her feelings and just maybe with the little of space she will begin to see that the relationship was not all bad. When our spouses want to leave for some reason they forgot all the good that was in the marriage. They choose to concentrate on the problems that took place. We all have problems. Marriage is work. Just like our jobs where we earn our incomes. We come across problems, we handle them, we move on to the next project. Some projects are a little easier than others. At the end the reward is our paycheck. Marriage is something like this. We get what we put into it for the most part. But when the business closes and we get laid off we have no choice but to pick our selves up and go into survival mode.

Go into survival mode. Protect yourself. Pray for your family and by all means never give up hope. If God is for us who can be against us.

God Bless

 

[novi12]

CJBA I really don't agree with u filing for the Divorce........ if u had evaluated the life of Jesus how much he suffered for us innocently adn die for us for reason ........ do u think what we are suffering now is greater than that? Think carefully and see how Blessed we will be if we suffer for the Sake of our Lord. Sufferign for ur huuby is suffering for the Lord as whatever u do for ur fellow brothers u do unto me.. so filing divorce in a way u have filed a divorce to Jesus .. Sorry cjba if I am mean........
Now let me tell u bout me..... even when I know my wife is wrong I'll never divorce her and nor will give her oen if she ask for it........ will suffer much for Lords sake....... The divorce between me will take place when I leave this world.......
Lord Protect cjba and her huuby and restore their broken marriage Life... Amen

 

[Autumnleaf]

So I did a lot wrong, I ignored all kinds of things that meant so much to my wife, but I have changed, I have identified all the issues, and made changes very quickly, and I have held true to my changes.

She left me on the 3rd of july, she is not home yet, she says she needs to heal, I don't know what that means or intails, and she can't tell me. We left on the 24th of august & got home on the 4rth of september from a trip to Lake shasta, & we slept in the same bed everyday of the trip. We had had sex on the 3rd week of separation, things were & still do look "good" for us to get back together, but then she left out of the country for 3 weeks, when returned, she was not as much willing to be kissed & such by me, (seems like she slid backwards @ this time apart).

Now we are home, I am having trouble with her still not moving back in, and truthfully, I am beggining to think she wants a divorce, but wants me to be the one who "gives up on us" so she doesn't look bad. I am thinking that this is so true, maybee I should do this, maybee I should "give up", then I could start to heal, I mean, I have told her every day she & my daughter stay away from me is a day she hurts me, and as soon as she comes home, I will forgive & forget, she says I am forgiven, still needs to heal

What did I do that she needs to heal, I don't smoke, drink do drugs, beat her or our daughter, I simply spent too little time with them for one, and the other is I expected plenty of sex, I once said "I am stronger than you" when she didn't want to, but I was not serious.

My question, what do I do, should I just let it be, walk away? if you want more detail, please, feel free to ask, I will hold nothing back, I have no reason too. I am a changed man, I can honestly tell you, ask any of my car pool budys, they know best I am a changed man. I also changed 1 thought I had, I always had said this would be my only marraige, and well, if we were together & something happened to her, I would never re-marry, but if it ends this way, I am beggining to think it is ok to re-marry, if it comes along, not that I want to go hunting.

I haven't given up YET, but I don't know how long to hold out.

Thanks & god bless to all, any advice is welcomed.

William

Find out where your wife is at. When you see her again tell her you've been having doubts about the relationship or tell her you met a cute girl wherever who seems nice... Then watch her eyes and body language while you listen to her response. Then you should know where her heart is. After that you have to go with it one way or another. If she's emotionally moved on, you could have an uphill battle to get her back. I suspect this has been going on between you and her for some time so she's probably exasperated with it.

If she has given up, sometimes if you act like you give up too it brings her back to questioning if quitting is a good idea. It sounds weird, but if it looks like you are doing better without her than she is doing without you she might want you back because it looks like you have something good going for you.

 

[COVINABP]

Thanks all,

Madison1101, I wanted to let you know I am 46 pages into that book, I am very exited to read it! thanks! (ready 4 chapter 2)

Cjba, I thank you for the info, I will probably try to get a free consultation, as our therapy is draining us (not to mention bi polor stuff), and I can respect your decision to file, I know you have children, and did not want them to have to suffer, and fact is, you didn't want it! just cya!

novi12, I thank you for youroutlook, I am with you that even if this gets to divorce, I will fight, not sign papers & whatever else I can do to stop it from happening.

Automleaf, I wouldn't do your first thought, because my wife & I have had a great deal of issues over her appearance, and she thinks I can't think she is hot! I don't think she has given up, it is actually me who is starting to have the give up feelings, but my medication has been balanced out a bit more, and I think that should help me stop feeling like giving up!

Again, thanks to all, and God Bless, William

 

[Autumnleaf]

Automleaf, I wouldn't do your first thought, because my wife & I have had a great deal of issues over her appearance, and she thinks I can't think she is hot! I don't think she has given up, it is actually me who is starting to have the give up feelings, but my medication has been balanced out a bit more, and I think that should help me stop feeling like giving up!

Again, thanks to all, and God Bless, William

If you were the one who started giving up wouldn't you be the one moved out denying her sex? Instead it appears to be the other way around. Just a thought.

 

[novi12]

God Bless u covinabp .. belive in the Lord as Lord syas what has been united will not be seperated.
Amen

 

[ben36]

I can truly share your pain covin, my wife left me in March. I don't have much advise to offer, other than to tell you not to give up on her, if you truly love her! Also I have learned the hard way to leave her alone, I have pushed her for months, and it has only pushed her away. I believe the only chance we have is to put in God's hands, and leave it there. Pray without ceasing, you are in my prayers, God bless!

 

[Svt4Him]

Yes, I have confessed & repent to the lord, I also have confessed everything to my wife, with only one exception I plan to tell her in counciling, & that is how my veiw on re-marraige has changed, I find it easy not to think of the remarry, I don't want to, but I find it hard not to think about the divorce, that she may do it, or maybee it is better, I have these thoughts, and stop myself, give the thought to God, & pray for his help, so I am praying very often, each time this thought comes, or the thought of me trying to fix things, I stop, & give the battle to God. But you are right, every time satan gets a chance, he does try to come in, and if you have any ideas on how else to help stay away from these thoughts, I would love to hear it,

Thanks novi12, & God Bless

Although I do believe in divorce and remarriage...I have to wonder why you'd want to tell your wife this?

 

[COVINABP]

Novi12, how does this work, we are separated, just not divorced & not headed there, as far as I know.

Ben 36, how do you stop pushing, I mean I have stopped trying to get her home, but I still want to hug & kiss & all, and some days she does, some days I'm the plage.

Svt4him, I only wanted to tell my wife, because it was the truth, & I had always said before I would never remarry, & I'm sure deep down somewhere was the hope that it might frighten her home, but I have not realized this until the days following the session where I told her.

I think she needs private sessions, becuase she is the one hurt to the point she can't take me even touching her, I don't think she will though.

Thanks & God Bless to all

William

 

[novi12]

Willaim stick to the Faith in Lord jesus n just pray for ur wife.. the Lord will touch her n bring her back but if u give up then she will be hurt......... God Bless u

 

[ben36]

Ben 36, how do you stop pushing, I mean I have stopped trying to get her home, but I still want to hug & kiss & all, and some days she does, some days I'm the plage.

Covin, I don't meant to stop loving her, my problem is that every time I get around her I beg her to let me love her, and cry, but that makes her not want to be with me. Plus I have made the mistakes of trying to keep up with her, what she does, where she goes, questioning who she is spending time with, all that is very wrong! I will be honest with you, if you don't put in in Gods hands and leave it there, it will drive you insane. My prayers are with you, God bless!

 

[Southern Cross]

You know, I get a bit frustrated when I see people saying to just trust in Jesus and pray. YES, I agree with you. PRAYER and FAITH and the POWER of our Lord and Savior over every situation is your first defenence and what sustains you. But for goodness sakes, give this poor guy something practical to do while he is praying for reconciliation.

I'll start off by giving a few suggestions. Others can add as they see fit.

First, maybe try buying her something special, something she likes. For my wife, that's candles and music. So leaving a small gift bag with a simple "I love you note" does wonders. It can be something hidden and a surprise. Just leave it on the kithcen counter, and don't expect her to thank you for it or even say anything about it. Act like it never happened.

Second, a simple love letter once a week can really make a difference.

Third, making sure you treat your daughter like gold whenever you get to see her even if your wife is not present will make a huge impression. If you can genuinely show your child the affection you've withheld over the years, your wife will see hope. Or at least respect you more if all else fails.

Hope things work out for you!

 

[COVINABP]

Ben36, I do still love her, one problem she always had since she left, and I have become a good enough person to actually deserve her, is I always asked & pushed her "when are you coming home, why not now, what am I doing wrong?"

Southercross, I thank you also, faith is always #1, but as you said, some suggestions for things to do while praying for reconciliation is a great idea.

A special thing for my wife is flowers, so I have been doing that once in a while, about every to every other week.

I buy a card 1-2 times a week for her, sometimes she mentions it, sometimes not.

My daughter has grown closer to me than I ever would have thought possible for a 2 year old. I have truely grown to love my family in a way, I thought unreal, but my wife is yet to realize that this is true I guess, or something. She stayed the weekend, but is still not coming home yet, I am even more broken hearted, and now have to continue not to rush her home, or it will drive her further away she says

Thanks & God Bless

William