So I met a nice guy...

[sunshiinedays]

I was going to post this the other day, and then I read the nice guy/bad boy threads...

Last summer I met a wonderful Christian man on a website. He has many wonderful qualities, and clearly has a lot to offer in terms of a relationship. A few months went by and it seemed that he had no romantic interest toward me. Then in December I met someone else, and told him about it. The very next morning I had an email from him asking if I would consider him, potentially as something more than just a friend. It surprised me because he had never displayed that he'd wanted any kind of romantic relationship during the few months we'd known each other.

Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with this guy. He's great! We get along fabulously. But after all this time being his friend, I have a hard time picturing us as anything else. And I started to wonder what was wrong with me, that I wasn't attracted to him, when there was no reason not to be. So I told him, I would consider it, and I have. A few days ago he asked if we could meet in person. But my feelings haven't changed for him, and I think I'm going to tell him no.

Reading a couple of threads here and elsewhere recently, I think I realize why I'm not attracted to him. I don't feel, as a woman, the way I want to feel when I'm with a man. The spark isn't there. And even though he's sort of made a turn around in being more aggressive about pursuing me, it hasn't changed anything. And I feel really bad about the whole thing, because I'm going to let down a really nice guy...

 

[college4christ81]

Hi I think you just need to be truthful with the guy you aren't interested, I know that for me I respect girls more who are truthful. Yes it may hurt to hear, but I would rather know that doesn't have any romantic interest me. See also the girls that don't have any romantic interest in me usually cut off contact with me, which is something I hate because then I am left confused why they did just stop talking to me altogether. I may be wrong about the advice I give you but thats how I feel.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Make it clear that you are not intrested. no No NO!

That lingering hope can escilate fast in sensitive guy. Got make it crystal clear that you don't love him. Something he has to resolve, not you.

Really starting to believe nice guys are mentally underdeveloped males. Goal is to be a great husband, read Ephesians 5:21 fellow nice guys. We are meant to be a leader and summit to your wife. If you ain't a leader and don't know how to serve others I humbly suggest you focus on imitating god before seeking women. Read Ephesians 4:17.

 

[college4christ81]

Make it clear that you are not intrested. no No NO!

That lingering hope can escilate fast in sensitive guy. Got make it crystal clear that you don't love him. Something he has to resolve, not you.

Really starting to believe nice guys are mentally underdeveloped males. Goal is to be a great husband, read Ephesians 5:21 fellow nice guys. We are meant to be a leader and summit to your wife. If you ain't a leader and don't know how to serve others I humbly suggest you focus on imitating god before seeking women. Read Ephesians 4:17.

Lol! yeah you maybe right! For myself I am not a very aggressive towards girls I like, but also sometimes I am thankful I don't have a girlfriend because I really don't have time for one, and I think sometimes I am not the person I want to be for the right girl also. But yes you are right about "If you ain't a leader and don't know how to serve others I humbly suggest you focus on imitating god before seeking women. Read Ephesians 4:17." Nice guys need to step it up as leaders, who don't try to lead forcibly but through Servanthood and be willing to come right out and tell a girl that they like how they feel.

 

[sunshiinedays]

I think you just need to be truthful with the guy you aren't interested

Make it clear that you are not intrested. no No NO!

Yes, I have every intention of telling him how I feel. I do not want to lead him on! But I won't get to talk to him for a couple of days, and he has a birthday at the end of the month... I was going to wait a few more days. Is that wrong?

See also the girls that don't have any romantic interest in me usually cut off contact with me, which is something I hate because then I am left confused why they did just stop talking to me altogether.

I don't want to cut off contact, actually I'm afraid of losing his friendship. We did have what I thought was a really great friendship... Would it be leading someone on or giving them hope to remain friends? This has happened to me before where I remained friends with someone, only to find out they still had hopes that it would eventually turn into something more, even when I was clear that it wouldn't.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Yes, I have every intention of telling him how I feel. I do not want to lead him on! But I won't get to talk to him for a couple of days, and he has a birthday at the end of the month... I was going to wait a few more days. Is that wrong?



I don't want to cut off contact, actually I'm afraid of losing his friendship. We did have what I thought was a really great friendship... Would it be leading someone on or giving them hope to remain friends? This has happened to me before where I remained friends with someone, only to find out they still had hopes that it would eventually turn into something more, even when I was clear that it wouldn't.

Hmm if he thinks he has a chance, longer you wait the worse it gets imho. It will be the ONLY thing on his mind.

Tell him the truth with boldness and stand up for what you know is right sister. Don't blame yourself, it's something he has to resolve within him. If he can't accept you as a sister, then that's his problem.

 

[Gardener101]

Re: what OP was referring to about the nice guy threads:


LINKS

http://www.christianforums.com/t4670457-the-bad-boy-and-this-nice-body-stuff.html

http://www.christianforums.com/t4662932-guys-let-me-give-you-some-advice-about-women.html

http://www.christianforums.com/t4655485-bad-boys.html

http://www.christianforums.com/t4655179-a-second-opinion-nice-guys-finish-last.html

http://www.christianforums.com/t4663592-so-i-met-a-nice-guy.html

http://www.christianforums.com/t4662077

http://www.christianforums.com/t4662268-questions-for-the-bad-boys-of-cf.html#post31116978

http://www.christianforums.com/t4667175-do-guys-like-bad-girls.html

 

[Gardener101]

I was going to post this the other day, and then I read the nice guy/bad boy threads...

Last summer I met a wonderful Christian man on a website. He has many wonderful qualities, and clearly has a lot to offer in terms of a relationship. A few months went by and it seemed that he had no romantic interest toward me. Then in December I met someone else, and told him about it. The very next morning I had an email from him asking if I would consider him, potentially as something more than just a friend. It surprised me because he had never displayed that he'd wanted any kind of romantic relationship during the few months we'd known each other.

Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with this guy. He's great! We get along fabulously. But after all this time being his friend, I have a hard time picturing us as anything else. And I started to wonder what was wrong with me, that I wasn't attracted to him, when there was no reason not to be. So I told him, I would consider it, and I have. A few days ago he asked if we could meet in person. But my feelings haven't changed for him, and I think I'm going to tell him no.

Reading a couple of threads here and elsewhere recently, I think I realize why I'm not attracted to him. I don't feel, as a woman, the way I want to feel when I'm with a man. The spark isn't there. And even though he's sort of made a turn around in being more aggressive about pursuing me, it hasn't changed anything. And I feel really bad about the whole thing, because I'm going to let down a really nice guy...

Hun,

I'm very sorry to hear about your predicament.

I understand exactly why your feelings for him have cooled, however, it is possible that they could be re-ignited. The quickest way to get that is to cut off all contact from him for at least a month. Don't explain exactly why to him, just say you need some distance so you can clear your head and think before making a final, final decision about him.

As for the new guy, how are things going? Have you met him face to face?

x

G




PS: Please send him a link to the bad boy threads, so he does not make the same mistakes again.

 

[sunshiinedays]

I understand exactly why your feelings for him have cooled, however, it is possible that they could be re-ignited. The quickest way to get that is to cut off all contact from him for at least a month. Don't explain exactly why to him, just say you need some distance so you can clear your head and think before making a final, final decision about him.

I don't think I've had strong feelings for him at any point, although until recently I never allowed myself to entertain the idea. And now that I have, I can't understand why I don't have those feelings. And I don't want him to think I'm playing games with him. In December I told him that yes, I would consider something more with him, now that I knew he had those feelings for me... but it's been over a month, and I just don't feel it...

As for the new guy, how are things going? Have you met him face to face?

As for the new guy, it was someone I met through eHarmony, and it never went anywhere. It's not like anyone better has come along or anything.

Something else I have realized since I joined eHarmony is that in meeting some other men, I have learned more of the "important stuff" about them from just a couple of conversations than I have over the months with nice guy. For example, their goals, what they are looking for in a relationship, etc. Maybe nice guy doesn't know what he wants?

 

[Gardener101]

I don't think I've had strong feelings for him at any point, although until recently I never allowed myself to entertain the idea. And now that I have, I can't understand why I don't have those feelings. And I don't want him to think I'm playing games with him. In December I told him that yes, I would consider something more with him, now that I knew he had those feelings for me... but it's been over a month, and I just don't feel it...




As for the new guy, it was someone I met through eHarmony, and it never went anywhere. It's not like anyone better has come along or anything.

Something else I have realized since I joined eHarmony is that in meeting some other men, I have learned more of the "important stuff" about them from just a couple of conversations than I have over the months with nice guy. For example, their goals, what they are looking for in a relationship, etc. Maybe nice guy doesn't know what he wants?

That is a possibility, or maybe he just wanted you to ask him?


Some guys just like to keep things like that to themselves, but I don't know if that applies to you and this particular guy.

 

[BoazB]

I don't want to cut off contact, actually I'm afraid of losing his friendship. We did have what I thought was a really great friendship... Would it be leading someone on or giving them hope to remain friends? This has happened to me before where I remained friends with someone, only to find out they still had hopes that it would eventually turn into something more, even when I was clear that it wouldn't.[/quote]

That might not be possible, if the move from friend to something else has been made (in his heart), and might not be healthy for him.

 

[Irascible]

If I read the word "feelings" one more time...

I'm not stumping for the guy in the least. In fact, I strongly endorse all the advice that says cut him off at the pass now. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there.

But let me not so humbly suggest: If and when you do feel something for someone, there will still be nothing there. Emotions form the basis of nothing, especially marriage. Emotions are just there for the ride. Use them as the foundation of your decision making process and you're asking for heartbreak.

Don't take this personally. I have absolutely no clue how you actually handle yourself. I'm simply taking what I read at face value. Me pea brain interprets the words I've read as someone who's basing decisions on feelings.

 

[sunshiinedays]

But let me not so humbly suggest: If and when you do feel something for someone, there will still be nothing there. Emotions form the basis of nothing, especially marriage. Emotions are just there for the ride. Use them as the foundation of your decision making process and you're asking for heartbreak.

I agree 100%. And I apologize for the overuse of "feeeeeelings" A better word may have been intuition. Like there's nothing really wrong with the guy, so why DON'T I like him? I think that little voice in my head was telling me that something was missing.

Just to clarify, I would never enter into a relationship based on emotion... didn't realize my post came across that way. Nice guy has a lot of wonderful qualities that I do look for in a relationship. Taking some time to think about a potential relationship with this man, wasn't so much to examine my emotions, but to figure out why I felt the way I did... if that makes sense.

 

[Irascible]

Clearly you like him. Perhaps you mean: Why isn't there a spark?

I find that the older I get, the more dependent my spark becomes upon character. In my younger days spark and character had little to do with each other. That's true of most young people, especially teeny boppers. The bedroom walls of the average 14 year old girl are covered with posters of "hunks", many of which are absolute jerks in real life. These days character is spark to me because I've come to learn how rare it really is.

If the guy you're not interested has all the qualities you're looking for, then you're right to ponder your disinterest. However, it may not be as mysterious as that. It may just be he’s not quite the hunk you’re looking for. This intuition business? Eh. I don’t buy it. IF something is missing, then find out concretely what it is. Getting that answer will reveal things about him and you.

 

[Gardener101]

Clearly you like him. Perhaps you mean: Why isn't there a spark?

I find that the older I get, the more dependent my spark becomes upon character. In my younger days spark and character had little to do with each other. That's true of most young people, especially teeny boppers. The bedroom walls of the average 14 year old girl are covered with posters of "hunks", many of which are absolute jerks in real life. These days character is spark to me because I've come to learn how rare it really is.

If the guy you're not interested has all the qualities you're looking for, then you're right to ponder your disinterest. However, it may not be as mysterious as that. It may just be he’s not quite the hunk you’re looking for. This intuition business? Eh. I don’t buy it. IF something is missing, then find out concretely what it is. Getting that answer will reveal things about him and you.

Ras, you are funny in a good way.

 

[Irascible]

Ras, you are funny in a good way.

I find it highly unlikely that you could know that. I'm certain no one here has ever seen my picture.

 

[sunshiinedays]

Well, I emailed him and let him know that nothing's going to happen...