Good afternoon everyone,
Before I start off, please pardon my English; I'm not a native speaker.
My name is Sinan Shamun and I come from the Netherlands. Following text is both an introduction to me and to a problem that's been haunting me for 5 months now.
19 years of being an atheist were finally broken by God. God introduced himself in His perfect way of doing so. I was at the communion of my little stepsister when the a-ha moment started. From then I knew God existed and that He wanted me to acknowledge him, which I did.
During this Holy Spirit awakening I felt this huge burst of love and energy. I started becoming very creative and full of life energy. A little while before this awakening I was in my dark night of the soul. I didn't know what to do with life, why would we do this?
Then, after getting further in this profound experience God convinced me that I could become a future RC Pope, my fate was decided. I was the 'complete package' and a good candidate to do His will for me.
Now comes the down side of my story. Me, at first thought it was a great opportunity to be spiritually anointed by God and to become a future Pope. But then my ego took over, I didn't want to become the Pope, because becoming a Pope meant not being able to fulfill desires like meeting women and having sex and all.
My thoughts started focussing on how I could not become a Pope and eventually I thought 'against God' to a point where I totally dismantled the Christian faith and I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit leaving me. During my awakening I also learned that it was 'all or nothing' for me, meaning that I am already a lost soul, that's how I view it at least. It has been 5 months that I feel very empty and I've lost my personality, truth, love, everything that makes a normal person love life has been robbed of me. I know it's my own fault for not accepting God's will into my life so I can't blame God at all. I have now acquired a totally useless mind, wandering in silly thoughts that aren't fruitfull at all. I believe such mind is called a 'reprobate mind'.
I was wondering if it's possible to regain the Holy Spirit after quenching it to a point where it totally leaves you. I read somewhere that someone underfound the same thing, leaving him in a state far worse than clinical depression, before finding God again.
I am very desperate because I am not connected to God anymore and would like to regain unity with him. This empty feeling made me attempt suicide already, which failed and was the reason for me being put in a mental hospital, where they didn't believe I had a real encounter with God. I would like to know if there is still hope for me even though God told me it was an all or nothing issue for me.
Sincerely,
Sinan
Before I start off, please pardon my English; I'm not a native speaker.
My name is Sinan Shamun and I come from the Netherlands. Following text is both an introduction to me and to a problem that's been haunting me for 5 months now.
19 years of being an atheist were finally broken by God. God introduced himself in His perfect way of doing so. I was at the communion of my little stepsister when the a-ha moment started. From then I knew God existed and that He wanted me to acknowledge him, which I did.
During this Holy Spirit awakening I felt this huge burst of love and energy. I started becoming very creative and full of life energy. A little while before this awakening I was in my dark night of the soul. I didn't know what to do with life, why would we do this?
Then, after getting further in this profound experience God convinced me that I could become a future RC Pope, my fate was decided. I was the 'complete package' and a good candidate to do His will for me.
Now comes the down side of my story. Me, at first thought it was a great opportunity to be spiritually anointed by God and to become a future Pope. But then my ego took over, I didn't want to become the Pope, because becoming a Pope meant not being able to fulfill desires like meeting women and having sex and all.
My thoughts started focussing on how I could not become a Pope and eventually I thought 'against God' to a point where I totally dismantled the Christian faith and I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit leaving me. During my awakening I also learned that it was 'all or nothing' for me, meaning that I am already a lost soul, that's how I view it at least. It has been 5 months that I feel very empty and I've lost my personality, truth, love, everything that makes a normal person love life has been robbed of me. I know it's my own fault for not accepting God's will into my life so I can't blame God at all. I have now acquired a totally useless mind, wandering in silly thoughts that aren't fruitfull at all. I believe such mind is called a 'reprobate mind'.
I was wondering if it's possible to regain the Holy Spirit after quenching it to a point where it totally leaves you. I read somewhere that someone underfound the same thing, leaving him in a state far worse than clinical depression, before finding God again.
I am very desperate because I am not connected to God anymore and would like to regain unity with him. This empty feeling made me attempt suicide already, which failed and was the reason for me being put in a mental hospital, where they didn't believe I had a real encounter with God. I would like to know if there is still hope for me even though God told me it was an all or nothing issue for me.
Sincerely,
Sinan
