This is from a blog that a friend of mine wrote. She is the most bubbly, friendly, outgoing person you could EVER meet and yet she battles her own demons of self worth. I thought it was something many of us could relate to one way or another, so I wanted to share it (please have compassion on her spelling errors):
Silencing an inner voice, which one might not ever really know is there,
can be difficult. It is only recently that I have discovered such a voice with
in myself. It has been here, lurking unconsciencely, for over 20 years. This
voice has molded me, defined me, help shaped who I am as a person. I want to share such an expirence, not for pitty, but for a tool to use and grow from. I am a person who loves to learn about others. I love to see people for who they are, who they can be and perhaps why they are the way they are.
It was morning, I was eating a bowl of cereal while the sun was making an
appearance. My dad had come into the dinning room, arms crossed, and uttered these words, "You are the biggest pain in my ***, you're lazy, you don't do **** around the house, you're the daughter I never wanted." Oh, the ripe young age of 16, and my father pretty much made me feel worthless. I began to ponder in my mind, "why am I not the daughter you ever wanted?" I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints at 15. I didn't do drugs, drink, have sex or party. I went to school, earned good grades, worked an average of 20 hours a week, I excelled at drama, band, choir. I was a kind girl who truely loved people. Being 16, I was so perplexed, hurt, sad, lonely, devastated. What did click for me is that I was a fat 16 year old girl who truely had not blossomed yet. That is what
it must be. The only thing that made sense to me. I was not pretty, or skinny. I am not the daughter my dad wanted because I am not pretty or skinny..Over and over this inner voice has played in my head. Often times my dad would tell me, " Guys don't like fat girls, you should lose
weight if you ever want to date." So, at this time, when my dad uttered these horrible words, it was only because I was not skinny or pretty, or at least in my young head it was the only thing that I could make sense of. I have carried this voice with me for far too long. It is recently, with the help of a great therapist, that I have come to understand this underlying voice. I still feel it today, haunting me.This voice speaks to me and tells me that I don't deserve the best things life has to offer because I am not good enough. This simply is not true. I know that I am a daughter of my
Heavenly Father. I know that I am a kind, loving, caring, compassionate woman who deserves the highest of blessings that one deserves. Now, the trick is to silence that inner voice and listen to the voice of knowledge. This is not an easy thing to do. It will take time to redefine those words that so defined me for many years.
Even though the words he spoke were extremely hurtful, there is always something good to learn from something so hard. COMPASSION. I have an amazing ablilty to have compassion for people. I feel for them, in their sorrow, in their own sadness of what might be for them. I have over compensated many a times for things in life because I know of what pain it is to not feel that love. It has showed me how to be like my Savior. I know He loves each and every single one of us. No matter what choices we have made or mistakes we had made, He LOVES US. He knows all of our trials and triumphs. He knows why people have chosen the things they do. What He asks of us it to not judge one another, but to love one another.
21 years later, as I am still dealing with this silent voice, which will no longer have room in my life. I have also learned that it was not me my dad was angry with, but it was himself. He didn't love himself and he was taking it out on me. He was angry that I was such a kind, loving young girl. He did not know how to find that with in himself. As an adult, I can see the pain my dad suffered. He did do the very best he knew how. I have no doubt in my mind that he did. He, too, was suffering from his childhood. And his greatest wish was to be a good father , which he felt he was failing at. His inner voice also defined him for many years, until he saw it face to face and conquered it. Just as I am doing it today .My dad did become a great father,and though it was not me who was able to expirence it first hand, I saw him reaching out to those who needed a father. In some sense, I saw me in him. I saw a softer, gentle man. As an adult, he often did tell me he admired the person I was. I would not change my past, as crazy as it sounds. I have learned from it ten fold, but it still stings. It was hurtful then and it is even more so today, as I struggle to silence this inner voice. It is time to fly and spread my wings, to become and accept who I am. It is time for me to take a stand and love myself for the beautiful, kind, giving, loving, caring woman that God has planned for me to be. We can all learn from one another, it is the plan of life. We are here together, to help, to love, to cherish, to grow, to mourn, to conqure..
Silencing an inner voice, which one might not ever really know is there,
can be difficult. It is only recently that I have discovered such a voice with
in myself. It has been here, lurking unconsciencely, for over 20 years. This
voice has molded me, defined me, help shaped who I am as a person. I want to share such an expirence, not for pitty, but for a tool to use and grow from. I am a person who loves to learn about others. I love to see people for who they are, who they can be and perhaps why they are the way they are.
It was morning, I was eating a bowl of cereal while the sun was making an
appearance. My dad had come into the dinning room, arms crossed, and uttered these words, "You are the biggest pain in my ***, you're lazy, you don't do **** around the house, you're the daughter I never wanted." Oh, the ripe young age of 16, and my father pretty much made me feel worthless. I began to ponder in my mind, "why am I not the daughter you ever wanted?" I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints at 15. I didn't do drugs, drink, have sex or party. I went to school, earned good grades, worked an average of 20 hours a week, I excelled at drama, band, choir. I was a kind girl who truely loved people. Being 16, I was so perplexed, hurt, sad, lonely, devastated. What did click for me is that I was a fat 16 year old girl who truely had not blossomed yet. That is what
it must be. The only thing that made sense to me. I was not pretty, or skinny. I am not the daughter my dad wanted because I am not pretty or skinny..Over and over this inner voice has played in my head. Often times my dad would tell me, " Guys don't like fat girls, you should lose
weight if you ever want to date." So, at this time, when my dad uttered these horrible words, it was only because I was not skinny or pretty, or at least in my young head it was the only thing that I could make sense of. I have carried this voice with me for far too long. It is recently, with the help of a great therapist, that I have come to understand this underlying voice. I still feel it today, haunting me.This voice speaks to me and tells me that I don't deserve the best things life has to offer because I am not good enough. This simply is not true. I know that I am a daughter of my
Heavenly Father. I know that I am a kind, loving, caring, compassionate woman who deserves the highest of blessings that one deserves. Now, the trick is to silence that inner voice and listen to the voice of knowledge. This is not an easy thing to do. It will take time to redefine those words that so defined me for many years.
Even though the words he spoke were extremely hurtful, there is always something good to learn from something so hard. COMPASSION. I have an amazing ablilty to have compassion for people. I feel for them, in their sorrow, in their own sadness of what might be for them. I have over compensated many a times for things in life because I know of what pain it is to not feel that love. It has showed me how to be like my Savior. I know He loves each and every single one of us. No matter what choices we have made or mistakes we had made, He LOVES US. He knows all of our trials and triumphs. He knows why people have chosen the things they do. What He asks of us it to not judge one another, but to love one another.
21 years later, as I am still dealing with this silent voice, which will no longer have room in my life. I have also learned that it was not me my dad was angry with, but it was himself. He didn't love himself and he was taking it out on me. He was angry that I was such a kind, loving young girl. He did not know how to find that with in himself. As an adult, I can see the pain my dad suffered. He did do the very best he knew how. I have no doubt in my mind that he did. He, too, was suffering from his childhood. And his greatest wish was to be a good father , which he felt he was failing at. His inner voice also defined him for many years, until he saw it face to face and conquered it. Just as I am doing it today .My dad did become a great father,and though it was not me who was able to expirence it first hand, I saw him reaching out to those who needed a father. In some sense, I saw me in him. I saw a softer, gentle man. As an adult, he often did tell me he admired the person I was. I would not change my past, as crazy as it sounds. I have learned from it ten fold, but it still stings. It was hurtful then and it is even more so today, as I struggle to silence this inner voice. It is time to fly and spread my wings, to become and accept who I am. It is time for me to take a stand and love myself for the beautiful, kind, giving, loving, caring woman that God has planned for me to be. We can all learn from one another, it is the plan of life. We are here together, to help, to love, to cherish, to grow, to mourn, to conqure..
