shy men, weak men

lostinthought6 · Feb 21, 2008

Hi,

I'm new to this and learning to navigate the site, so hopefully this is in the right place.

I've begun dating a new guy recently. We've gone on several dates and it has been pretty fun. One thing scares me though; he is shy. In my experience shy guys usually aren't strong. They usuallly aren't willing to take the lead or "wear the pants in the relationship." I'm a strong person with a strong personality and I wonder if this is why shy guys seem to be drawn to me. Even though I am strong, I want someone else who is just as strong who will be the man.

My questions are small in number. First of all, do any of you find that shy guys tend to lack a spine? Secondly, how can you find out if the one you are with does [without seeming like you are testing him] and third, who has made a relationship with a shy guy work? Did you find his shyness hurt the relationship? Do you ever find that they are shy but strong?

SonicBOOM · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 said:
Hi,

I'm new to this and learning to navigate the site, so hopefully this is in the right place.

I've begun dating a new guy recently. We've gone on several dates and it has been pretty fun. One thing scares me though; he is shy. In my experience shy guys usually aren't strong. They usuallly aren't willing to take the lead or "wear the pants in the relationship." I'm a strong person with a strong personality and I wonder if this is why shy guys seem to be drawn to me. Even though I am strong, I want someone else who is just as strong who will be the man.

My questions are small in number. First of all, do any of you find that shy guys tend to lack a spine? Secondly, how can you find out if the one you are with does [without seeming like you are testing him] and third, who has made a relationship with a shy guy work? Did you find his shyness hurt the relationship? Do you ever find that they are shy but strong?

you kind of make shyness sound like a disease no offense of course. It's just I don't think shy men are weak, shy men are shy...... and gender roles are kind of bogus.

LostFound1986 · Feb 21, 2008

You might not be suited that well, its possible. A girl I was with thought I was a bit like that, you know, shy and not really standing up for myself. She realized later though that I was sometimes quiet but confident most of the time. She mistook me being considerate for me being shy, and I was a lot less quiet around her once I got to know her better.

So, he might not be shy; if he is then maybe you're not the best match. See how it goes

lostinthought6 · Feb 21, 2008

Thanks Chris. I don't mean to make it sound that way, but I've had some bad experiences with shy guys who were really shy because they weren't willing to make decisions or take care of themselves or back me up when I needed them. (For the record though, I do to a certain extent believe in gender roles) So I really need some advice on how to know if he's like that, if people have had positive relationships with shy guys, insight from shy guys etc.. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings!

soccerdad66 · Feb 21, 2008

First you need to determine if he's really shy, or just quiet... those are two different things,

and why: personality thing, past experience, etc. I've dated shy girls and had a good relationship, although I like a women who's not afraid to speak her mind usually.

lostinthought6 · Feb 21, 2008

Thank you LostSheepFound! Any advice on how to know, or why guys that seem shy like girls that aren't, or how to let him take the lead? I'm just so confused. I do like the guy, but I don't want to repeat any past mistakes.

lostinthought6 · Feb 21, 2008

thank you soccerdad! i really appreciate everyone's advice, and should probably stop posting every time someone posts to me to say this! lol. For the record, he is a self admitted shy guy. He did get up the courage to ask me out though. He says on job interviews he's horrified, but gets used to it partway through the interview. I don't know if these things help anyone figure out where he is on the shyness continuum.

SonicBOOM · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 said:
Thanks Chris. I don't mean to make it sound that way, but I've had some bad experiences with shy guys who were really shy because they weren't willing to make decisions or take care of themselves or back me up when I needed them. (For the record though, I do to a certain extent believe in gender roles) So I really need some advice on how to know if he's like that, if people have had positive relationships with shy guys, insight from shy guys etc.. I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings!

no your not hurting anyone's feelings and I understand what your saying i wouldn't relaly call what you describe as shy.... i'd call it insecure and I beleive to an extent that a guy can be so insecure that he places everything on the woman. i'm guessing you've read "Wild At Heart, I love that book personally and I think it becomes a problem when the man takes everything to the woman, he should have some confedence of his own. so i do understand that much.... and if this guy is as you describe than I think he's not emotionally ready for a relationship.

It's just being shy is diffrent than being insecure.

Mark2010 · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 said:
Hi,

I'm new to this and learning to navigate the site, so hopefully this is in the right place.

I've begun dating a new guy recently. We've gone on several dates and it has been pretty fun. One thing scares me though; he is shy. In my experience shy guys usually aren't strong. They usuallly aren't willing to take the lead or "wear the pants in the relationship." I'm a strong person with a strong personality and I wonder if this is why shy guys seem to be drawn to me. Even though I am strong, I want someone else who is just as strong who will be the man.

My questions are small in number. First of all, do any of you find that shy guys tend to lack a spine? Secondly, how can you find out if the one you are with does [without seeming like you are testing him] and third, who has made a relationship with a shy guy work? Did you find his shyness hurt the relationship? Do you ever find that they are shy but strong?

Don't judge a book by its cover. Meakness does not equal weakness.

LostFound1986 · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 - Well, I'm never one for stereotypes, but girls are meant to be the great talkers Have a conversation that lasts a little while, more than just a small talk one. You can get a good impression of whether someone's quiet and strong or simply shy from that. As for why shy guys like non-shy girls, they do say opposites attract. Although in my experience shy guys want an even shyer girl so they can be the confident one. One thing I would say is that some shy guys sort of want a girl to 'mother' them organize and sort things out for them etc. one of my friends is a bit like that!

Im_A · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 said:
Hi,

I'm new to this and learning to navigate the site, so hopefully this is in the right place.

I've begun dating a new guy recently. We've gone on several dates and it has been pretty fun. One thing scares me though; he is shy. In my experience shy guys usually aren't strong. They usuallly aren't willing to take the lead or "wear the pants in the relationship." I'm a strong person with a strong personality and I wonder if this is why shy guys seem to be drawn to me. Even though I am strong, I want someone else who is just as strong who will be the man.

My questions are small in number. First of all, do any of you find that shy guys tend to lack a spine? Secondly, how can you find out if the one you are with does [without seeming like you are testing him] and third, who has made a relationship with a shy guy work? Did you find his shyness hurt the relationship? Do you ever find that they are shy but strong?

my advice? don't be thinking how he's going to be in a marriage/long term relationship, when you've just started dating.

shyness is just shyness, or maybe he is weak, but find out if he is through being in a relationship with him, not prejudging him, or worry about that stuff when you've only been on a few dates. what good are you going to do for yourself, him, or you two if your worried about this stuff, when you've just been on a few dates?

be careful about letting your head get the best of you by worrying about how will he be as a mate, when you just learned u wouldn't mind to date him as boyfriend.

canehdianhotstuff · Feb 21, 2008

I am a shy guy, but it's only till I get comfortable around people. Then I become rather talkative. Alot of people are like that.

fishin4christ · Feb 21, 2008

lostinthought6 said:
Hi,

I'm new to this and learning to navigate the site, so hopefully this is in the right place.

I've begun dating a new guy recently. We've gone on several dates and it has been pretty fun. One thing scares me though; he is shy. In my experience shy guys usually aren't strong. They usuallly aren't willing to take the lead or "wear the pants in the relationship." I'm a strong person with a strong personality and I wonder if this is why shy guys seem to be drawn to me. Even though I am strong, I want someone else who is just as strong who will be the man.

My questions are small in number. First of all, do any of you find that shy guys tend to lack a spine? Secondly, how can you find out if the one you are with does [without seeming like you are testing him] and third, who has made a relationship with a shy guy work? Did you find his shyness hurt the relationship? Do you ever find that they are shy but strong?

Just because a guy is shy doesn't mean he is weak or he lacks backbone. I'm a fairly shy person, but I take the initiative and I stand up for what I believe in. It just takes some people longer to open up to people.

HopeFaithLove4u · Feb 21, 2008

fishin4christ said:
Just because a guy is shy doesn't mean he is weak or he lacks backbone. I'm a fairly shy person, but I take the initiative and I stand up for what I believe in. It just takes some people longer to open up to people.

I agree.....that shyness doesn't = weakness. I, actually, like shy guys, because I'm not shy, at all. So, it makes the guy look cute to me. But, shy guys, take note: Don't be sooooo shy and blow a good opportunity presented to you.

'Case in point', I had a crush on this shy guy that works in a place I go into all the time. He made it obvious to me that he had a crush on me too. So, I made it VERY obvious back that I was interested in him. Because he was/is shy, didn't ask me out and I tried to give him subtle hints for a few weeks (while he was being very flirty back).....well I, finally, just gave him my business card. And, STILL, never heard from him. Then, I avoided going into his work for a few weeks (out of embarrassment).....then, I finally went in there, out of curiosity of how he would act around me? He TOTALLY avoided and ignored me!! So ?????? HE was the one who started to flirt with me, at first!!!!! And I could tell that he felt awkward talking to me, when we would talk, and I thought it was cute, because he was so shy.

So, now, I avoid going in the place, altogether.....because he totally 'choked' and made it awkward even for ME.

So, don't be sooooo shy as to miss out on opportunities, because there are girls that really do like you guys.

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canehdianhotstuff · Feb 21, 2008

I likes girls!

ChooseTheRight · Feb 21, 2008

Im a shy guy. But im also quite confident. Once im comfortable with someone, im a whole differant person. They see the real me.

PureSolace · Feb 21, 2008

You can thank the past 5 decades of feminists and the womens empowerment movement for spineless men. With their "I am woman! Hear me roar! BS!" (See! Already if you're a woman, you're offended! "Well I never!" you're probably thinking! See what they've done to ya!? HA!) pathetic...

But without knowing the full situation you're in (details and such) Give him the chance to take the lead. Prod if necessary (Though hopefully it won't be.) And if worst turns to worst, there are a few real men still out there, good luck with him, and I hope he finds his pants... so to speak.

PureSolace · Feb 21, 2008

Masked_Chris said:
you kind of make shyness sound like a disease no offense of course. It's just I don't think shy men are weak, shy men are shy...... and gender roles are kind of bogus.

Gender roles are kind of bogus? Dude!? Seriously? Do you really think that? Gahhh! Yet another victim to the feminist movement crowd. Go read 1st Peter chapter 3. And then come back and tell me Gender roles are bogus. God designed things the way they are in this world for many many reasons, and God delights in them. Don't spew silly words just cause it's the "in" thing to do.

In short. Women are awesome! So are Men! And when working together in God's plan, it rocks. I've seen it first hand. I've read about it in the Bible. From Genesis on... makes perfect sense to me. Try again.

SonicBOOM · Feb 21, 2008

PureSolace said:
Gender roles are kind of bogus? Dude!? Seriously? Do you really think that? Gahhh! Yet another victim to the feminist movement crowd. Go read 1st Peter chapter 3. And then come back and tell me Gender roles are bogus. God designed things the way they are in this world for many many reasons, and God delights in them. Don't spew silly words just cause it's the "in" thing to do.

In short. Women are awesome! So are Men! And when working together in God's plan, it rocks. I've seen it first hand. I've read about it in the Bible. From Genesis on... makes perfect sense to me. Try again.

gender roles are for people who like to tell people who they are. I DO beleive that there are men and women and that their diffrent in personality and spirit. But this can take SOOOO many forms. Is a man strong when he's a mountain hunter? Or is a mountain hunter strong when he faces the courege to live a more normal life? Is a woman beautiful only when she's got anheart for love? Or is she beautiful when she's standing up for what she beleives? Strength and beauty take soooo many forms. John Eldredge is right when he assigns gender roles.... what he's wrong about is the narrow-mindedness of how many forms those roles can take.

PureSolace · Feb 21, 2008

So you're saying Gender Roles are NOT Bogus? I see.

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