Should you be an open book?

[slmill1987]

I saw a post from another website earlier that a husband posted that he does not give his Facebook or email passwords to his wife and he locks his phone because he "can do what he wants to do and it is none of her business." I felt I relate to it, but maybe my husband wouldn't use those words. But more of "you don't trust me." The poster said that his wife gets upset at him but she does not have to worry because he comes home to her every night. It rubbed me entirely too wrong, because I felt the husband was disrespecting his wife, and building up a foundation of lies and secrets. This is not my marriage, but I relate in a way.

It took my husband a year before he became an open book to me without me having to guess around to figure out his passwords. This was due to a huge lack of trust because of unfaithfulness. Once my husband became open to me, and chose to share his passwords with me and unlocked his phone, a huge weight of stress lifted off of me, and I began to grow in trusting him. He showed me over the next year and half that he was an honest man and I did not need to "check up" on him.

But I "ruined" that because he felt I did not trust him like I claimed to because one day I asked to see his phone. I did not ask because I speculated something. I asked because I know he told someone once that he was an open book to me, and I just wanted to see what he would say. He said no. I didn't understand, and I was wrong, but I immediately jumped to accusations. Because of this, he is no longer an open book to me, with all his passwords changed and his phone locked.

While I can understand how he felt, I cannot get him to see that I think there is no reason to keep these things from me. I don't want to look or "check up" on him all the time, but I don't understand the purpose to lock me out besides that he just wants me to trust him no matter what he does behind his phone and Facebook. When I read the post I seen on another page, I felt the way this husband's wife feels. I feel upset. Not because I suspect my husband of being unfaithful or hiding lies. I feel that as a married couple, there should be no secrets and to be out and open with things that are acceptable to look at, even if it is to reply to a text for him while he is in the shower or read that message from so and so on Facebook because he is driving. I don't have that ability. And he says that I lost that and that I am to blame for that.

I have no where to turn to that can hand me religious advice in a way that I need it. I know there is no right or wrong. But I know there has to be compromise in this situation. To be clear, I trust my husband. More than I have in the last 2 years, because I chose to forgive him for his past mistakes and move forward from them. Having his passwords or being able to look at his phone has nothing to do with not trusting him. It has to do with what I believe in marriage, and that is not hiding anything from your spouse.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This thread?
http://www.christianforums.com/threads/spouse-demanding-access-to-all-online-accounts.7877739/

I'll just repost my replies here too:
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I had some comments but most have addressed it well. Marriage is not 50%/50%. Its 100%/100%. And that means having access to everything. Some say its an invasion of privacy. But I say whats privacy? Marriage is if anything the opposite of privacy. Now I realize some feel their spouse may check on them all the time.

But often people fail to realize your spouse isn't saying they want to check your stuff all the time. Its more of a test to see if you are willing to let them see everything out of trust. Just as they will let you see everything too. My wife and I share everything. No hidden accounts, no hidden passwords. When you open trust like this it means the other person won't feel the need to "check" up on you because your stuff is always open and they have no reason not to trust you.

Now like if you worked for the FBI then obviously you wouldn't be able to let her access certain things. Granted the FBI workers only can access there stuff from where they work anyways. I see more marriages that go bad after awhile because when things aren't shared, it starts to make the other spouse feel like your hiding something. And thats when their feelings turn from upset to angry then to paranoia. Then you will hear things like "Are you cheating on me? Is that why you don't want me to see things?". At that point the trust is gone and will take forever to gain back.

So share everything now or the road back to full trust will not be easy.

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Everything is open. Psychology would say if you don't want to give access then there is something you do not want seen or possible paranoia. Thought to be fair it would also say maybe the person wanting access is paranoid. But often times paranoia is not the real reason. So it usually just leaves the person is hiding something or doesn't want to be open and honest. When you marry its 100%/100%. Theres nothing to hide. My wife and I gave access to the other right before we got engaged. Not to everything mind you like bank accounts. But to basics like facebook. Then later on we gave access to everything.

Now there is ONE other reason that the person may not want to share. One I hear more and more. Its a concern that if they give access they will be spied on. But heres the thing. Your not giving access so they can poke around every day like a spy. Your giving access to say "Heres my stuff so you trust me. I know you won't really look because you realize giving it to you means I have nothing to hide to begin with!". And thats the key. Now if the other person gets access and is checking your accounts daily then they obviously have trust issues and counselling is required since there is NO reason to access and spy on you everyday.

I'd also add that as christians we shouldn't approach marriage as the world does of this is mine, that is yours. We need to approach it as christians should. Love, honesty and trust. Though I will say not sure why she waited 10 years to suddenly want access to your stuff. She either has worries about something she thinks you are doing or she just realized she wants more openness. Which from what you said sounds like thats what she really wants.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

The person asking is not usually the person with trust issues. Its the person who says "Don't you trust me?" who has the trust issues. If you got nothing to hide then there should be no hesitation about sharing your stuff. Now if the person shares it a few days later I'd be suspicious as to why the waited. Was it to delete stuff? One may never know but I said before if you want privacy, not sharing....etc then remain single because marriage means the opposite of privacy, not sharing...etc.

 

[Dave-W]

Our obsession with "privacy" borders on idol worship and is unbiblical.

John 3:19 This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Privacy is like the one ring from Lord Of The Rings.... "TS MINE...MINE....my precccccious!!!"

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I think it's good to be open with each other in marriage. My husband told me fairly early in our relationship what his passwords were to almost everything (the few things he kept were none of my business until we were married, and now that we are married I know those too). He knows I am a trustworthy person and as his wife I may need to access information in case of emergency or out of convenience for him. When we got married we understood that we were starting a process of becoming one unit. It's really difficult to be one unit if you're both keeping hold of individual privacy. I still have some to learn in that process of being open with my husband about all of my passwords etc. but I don't have my phone locked with any password and he knows all the relevant passwords he wants to know about with other things. I tell him what I'm up to online and who I talk to on the phone, and usually what was said if he is interested. There are very few insignificant things we may choose to withhold from one another, but only for a short time and only if it will unnecessarily cause harm to the other person. These things can't be anything with weight beyond that, because it is expected that the other person will find out at some point or another and that has to be okay. If it's not okay that the other person finds out, than it's probably something you need to share up front with them.
That being said though, I have observed that the men in my life want to be assured that I do trust them. They don't want to feel checked-up-on and interrogated. They don't want to feel like they're doing anything wrong or that I suspect them of doing wrong without evidence. Although I do have access to my husband's phone, he has been a bit touchy and may take it away from me for a short period of time if he feels I am snooping into all his text messages and call logs. It has nothing to do with privacy. It has everything to do with trust.

 

[annafullofgrace]

My husband and I have always been open with each other. There always seems to be trust issues with the couple we know that are not open with each other.

 

[ValleyGal]

But I "ruined" that because he felt I did not trust him like I claimed to because one day I asked to see his phone.

No, YOU didn't ruin that. HE ruined the trust to start with! You were still trying to rebuilt your trust in him, and he should have been doing everything in his power to earn that trust back whether it took a week or a lifetime. A year or two is often not enough to fully trust, so spot-checking was totally normal.

He said no. I didn't understand, and I was wrong, but I immediately jumped to accusations. Because of this, he is no longer an open book to me, with all his passwords changed and his phone locked.

It was natural for you to jump to a conclusion that he had something to hide if he said no because you were still trying to rebuild your trust in him. If he said yes, it would continue to build trust. But he said no for a reason....and it was not because he felt accused. It was because there was a reason to feel accused. You were not his accuser. His conscience was his accuser, which is why he said no. And worse, he reinforced your reason to not trust him by changing passwords and locking his phone. Transparency builds trust. Hiding things builds fear, mistrust and all kinds of other emotions that will negatively affect the marriage.

And he says that I lost that and that I am to blame for that.

He lost your trust more than once and you never totally recovered from that. YOU are not to blame for that. You are not to blame for him changing his passwords and locking his phone. That is HIS choice and HIS responsibility, and he is not acting in ways to restore your trust in him. People only hide things from their spouse if there is a reason to hide them. He broke the trust in the marriage and he should be kow-towing to you to earn it back, no matter how many years it takes to restore the trust.

When my husband and I first married, he used to want to read emails (before I sent them) that I composed to his parents. Based on his previous experience before he met me, he had good reason to not trust. I had nothing to hide, and so I was fine with it. I'll admit it hurt that he did not feel he could trust me yet, but I understood his previous relationship and I dealt with my own feelings about it. It did not take long - about a year or so - before he stopped reading them. When his mom replies to me, she automatically cc's him into the email too, and I'm fine with that. Like I say, I have nothing to hide. Now if he were to ask to read an email before I send it, I'd still be okay with it because sometimes people get triggered and they fall back into old thoughts, feelings or patterns. I would be respectful of that and maybe explore it with him a little, but I would never hide my emails from him.

Dr. John Gottman (researcher and author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work), says that one of the principles to make it work is to allow your spouse to influence you. If a couple has influence over each other, then much of what we say and do will have a direct or indirect impact on the spouse. You were severely negatively impacted directly by his cheating. But he is now being negatively impacted by you - not because what you did was wrong, but because he was tired of having to make up for his own wrong - and he is attempting to blame you. Do not accept that influence. Cloud and Townsend (Boundaries) say that good boundaries means keeping out the bad and letting in the good. What good is your husband letting in by blocking you, withdrawing from you and keeping information from you? What bad is he keeping out by doing this? What impact is this going to have on you? How will you let this influence you and your decisions? How can you be a positive influence in his life and in your marriage while you try to rebuild your trust in him? What is he willing to do in order to influence you to trust him again and reconcile the relationship?

 

[joshua 1 9]

I do not password protect my phone. But I do try to hide it from my wife because I think it is so funny that she is so interested in checking up to me. Every now and then when I am asleep or not paying attention she does get a hold of it. If she looks long enough and hard enough she might find something to get upset about. So I even the score by making it a little more difficult for her to get her hands on my phone the next time.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Had an issue regarding my phone which is password protected and encrypted. She demanded to see it and after several days I relented this time. Very few things have hurt me in our relationship as this has. Obviously there was nothing there but the fact that she demanded to see it is a huge problem.

It is the very opposite of trust. "Trust but verify" is something for nations on the brink of nuclear war, not trusting couples with no previous reason for lack of trust. I believe that while couples should be mostly open with one another there must be a space, even a virtual one that is private on the basis of trust in one another.

It is going to take me quite a while to recover from this violation.

 

[Dave-W]

I see no "violation."
You (both husband and wife) are scripturally considered one flesh, one person.

Do not fall into the trap of idolizing "independance" and "privacy."

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I see no "violation."
You (both husband and wife) are scripturally considered one flesh, one person.

Do not fall into the trap of idolizing "independance" and "privacy."

It's hard to explain but the actions do indicate a severe lack of trust from my pov. That is what hurt.