Should the mentally Ill get married?

[Aspireman]

I struggle with this question, because I am. And I want so bad to be in a relationship someday. Would a women want someone that can't hold a full time job, and can't take care of themselves someday? Your thoughts?

 

[Mariposa36]

I would pray about it and try to work towards maybe holding a part-time job or something more manageable. Break bigger goals down into smaller ones, so it's easier to work your way up rather than take on one huge goal at a time.

More and more men are stay-at-home dads and take on more of the care giving and housekeeping goals while their wife works. Others split work and home life 50/50. The next question would be, could you take care of a family through other means (if you can't work full-time and financially support them, through yard work, cooking, laundry, getting kids on the bus to go to school, etc.?)

I know people with bipolar, depression, Down Syndrome, etc. that work, are married, and/or have kids. It's all about willpower and trying to overcome difficulties. This story is a living example of it. This guy was paralyzed, yet he was able to reverse the damage from his diving accident and run a marathon. Pretty incredible! With God, all things are possible.

 

[Aspireman]

I would help out as much as I could around the house. Looking in to Disability. With my physical and emotional disabilities I have days, sometimes weeks where I can't function too well, so holding a job is pretty difficult.

 

[dayhiker]

Aspireman,
Great topic for discussion.
I think it takes a special person to chose to be with a person with disabilities and give their life to care for them. Yet it is something that God has asked people to do. When that happens then the person receiving needs to receive with a good attitude, ie not expecting it at all costs, but to thankfully receive what is given.
Yet probably the healthiest situation is when all people involved feel like they are all contributing something to the group, but it a family, a group home, an institution.

All my thoughts are just that as I've not really lived the type of situation you are talking about, Aspireman.

 

[blackribbon]

I think that both partners should go into the marriage with eyes wide open about the disease and the way it can present itself...both the likely progression and worsecase scenerio. As the partner with the mental illness, I would hope that you would commit to keep in constant contact with your mental health professional because when you are at the worse part of your disease, you often are the least likely to recognize it and how it is affecting your partner.

I would also say in my opinion it depends on the mental illness. Several types make having "normal" relationships difficult because they do not allow the person to relate to others very well. And that is important in marriage. Have this discussion with whoever is your counselor and knows the most about you and your particular illness. Discuss the pros and cons, and the reasons that you would want to be married...and whether you can be a partner. As for the inability to work...that isn't the biggest issue... Just what is it that you hope to gain from and offer to a marriage? God can provide anything if it is in His plan.

 

[blackribbon]

I know a woman with schizophrenia who is very happily married. To people who don't understand the disease, her husband seems overly controlling but his "rules" are what give her freedom and keep her safe. He adores her. Sometimes when the disease is more active and less under control, she isn't happy with the relationship but that is when she needs the help the most. It has to be hard, but they are happy and have been married for enough years to have a teen age daughter...(who might also be schizophrenic). I think he knew (or at least suspected) about her illness before he married her and understood on some level what he was signing up for.

Then I know a couple where the woman appears to be very functional but suffers from mild bipolar where it cycles frequently with frequent manic stages and has narcissistic traits. After over 20 years of never having emotional support from his wife, he is very worn out and ready to give up. Even things like caring for his dying mother and now his very ill aunt are always focused on how it impacts her. She isn't an evil person. She just doesn't have it in her to give back to the marriage. And on top of that, her medication side effects mean there is no physical relationship either. Roommates who are usually mad at each other. That isn't a marriage worth having. I believe he still loves her but doesn't feel loved back. This woman's illness didn't present itself until after the birth of their daughter.

I think you stand a better chance of having a successful relationship because this isn't a surprise that changed thing. Just understand your disease as much as possible and make sure your potential spouse does too.

 

[blackribbon]

I might also really factor in your risk for suicide when determining whether or not you should get married. If you suffer from a disease that causes you to do a lot of self-harm, understand that having a spouse won't make this go away...might even increase the desire to self-harm due to the frustrations involved in building two lives into one...and the exhaustion that your spouse will feel if she has to worry that every thing she does could push you over the line. This can not be an environment of trust and safety like should exist in marriage. Not to mention, the horror of coming home and finding your loved one either dead or trying to die. Even the first trip to the hospital with someone like this starts to kill the healthy partner slowly.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think it depends on what the mental illness is.

But if a guy can get married to a beautiful lady when he has no arms or legs, why not?

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

I struggle with this question, because I am. And I want so bad to be in a relationship someday. Would a women want someone that can't hold a full time job, and can't take care of themselves someday? Your thoughts?

A job and taking care of Oneself, are absolute requirements before getting married ...in addition to other vital disciplines. Marriage demands SO much of a person that it takes two very healthy emotional people to make it work..and even at that...there will be many times of disharmony , disappointment, etc. Marriage takes a ton of very hard never ending work for it to be semi successful and there are tons of things pulling at every marriage today ...particularly marriages where both are in their 20's / 30's . It is not for everyone and i can safely state that : MOST marriages should never have been and the two should have remained good friends only and not made the lifetime commitment. This is evidenced by a high divorce rate and adultery in marriages today.

If one or both people have a nuerosis or other strong vice in their personality or character...it is a definite recipe for eventual failure because it will not stand the test of endurance. Again, it takes two extremely healthy individuals in the emotional and spiritual context for a marriage to be even quasi-successful. Talking to any Psychologist , christian or secular, will confirm what ive stated here.

Instead, resolve to live your life by being a christian single and having many valueable friendships and most of all...a vital relationship with Christ who will provide fullfillment and happiness to your life . Make him your missing Spouse . Use your life to serve him and others . Its something that people in the majority of marriages should have done instead of getting married. I cant tell you the enormous number of christian marriages ive encountered that are just squeeking by , are not hugely fulfilling, where divorce has been considered , where adultery has been considered (or is occuring) , or where emotional abuse is occuring.

Let Pauls advice in 1 Corinthians 7 play a big role in this consideration . He declares Singleness as a high calling and filled with FAR LESS problems than what marrieds experience.

If you ever reach a point in your life where you are emotionally healthy and have been that way for quite some time...only then give consideration to eventual marriage by praying to God about it continusouly for guidance., which should also involve alot of objectivity when it comes to Mate Selection. Treat is only second in importance to Salvation , because there is nothing that will impact your earthly life as much as lifelong marriage (whether good or not) .

 

[Aspireman]

My parents are both disabled and have been married for over 36 years. Their marriage isn't picture prefect by any means, but who's is?
The passage I wonder about is:



1 Cor 7

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

Not to say that God can't overtake those desires. I have that burning passion, and have asked God to take them away. Can you find any biblical passages that back up your claim, or is this a worldly view?

A job and taking care of Oneself, are absolute requirements before getting married ...in addition to other vital disciplines. Marriage demands SO much of a person that it takes two very healthy emotional people to make it work..and even at that...there will be many times of disharmony , disappointment, etc. Marriage takes a ton of very hard never ending work for it to be semi successful and there are tons of things pulling at every marriage today ...particularly marriages where both are in their 20's / 30's . It is not for everyone and i can safely state that : MOST marriages should never have been and the two should have remained good friends only and not made the lifetime commitment. This is evidenced by a high divorce rate and adultery in marriages today.

If one or both people have a nuerosis or other strong vice in their personality or character...it is a definite recipe for eventual failure because it will not stand the test of endurance. Again, it takes two extremely healthy individuals in the emotional and spiritual context for a marriage to be even quasi-successful. Talking to any Psychologist , christian or secular, will confirm what ive stated here.

Instead, resolve to live your life by being a christian single and having many valueable friendships and most of all...a vital relationship with Christ who will provide fullfillment and happiness to your life . Make him your missing Spouse . Use your life to serve him and others . Its something that people in the majority of marriages should have done instead of getting married. I cant tell you the enormous number of christian marriages ive encountered that are just squeeking by , are not hugely fulfilling, where divorce has been considered , where adultery has been considered (or is occuring) , or where emotional abuse is occuring.

Let Pauls advice in 1 Corinthians 7 play a big role in this consideration . He declares Singleness as a high calling and filled with FAR LESS problems than what marrieds experience.

If you ever reach a point in your life where you are emotionally healthy and have been that way for quite some time...only then give consideration to eventual marriage by praying to God about it continusouly for guidance., which should also involve alot of objectivity when it comes to Mate Selection. Treat is only second in importance to Salvation , because there is nothing that will impact your earthly life as much as lifelong marriage (whether good or not) .

 

[blackribbon]

I don't believe that disabilities mean you shouldn't get married...because even a huge number of marriages that start out healthy, won't end up with two "abled" body people. Joni Erickson Tada is a complete quadreplegic and got married that way. She is about as helpless as you can get and met her husband in that condition. God can provide.

However, if the desire for SEX (burning passion) is the only thing you have to offer a marriage, then it isn't very well advised. Love isn't selfish...and you need to have something to offer to the relationship as well. Ability to connect (give and take) on an emotional level is one of the important ones. So I repeat, it depends on your mental illness.

 

[Aspireman]

The burning passion is for a relationship, not sex (that's the added bonus). I know I should have a burning passion for Christ. Life has many struggles, I still persevere, despite what others may think. I suffer from anxiety, depression and have some physical disabilities as well. I am able to take care of myself (dressing, feeding, bathing, etc). I am somewhat of a caretaker for my parents at the moment, so I don't see any relationship in the near future.

 

[blackribbon]

As far as that verse, as a widow, it is definitely reads as sexual desire to me. It actually was freeing to see this in print because it meant that I wasn't a freak (and I know now that many widows have the same issue).

However, I wouldn't think that anxiety or physical disabilities should prevent you from having a healthy relationship with a woman...you just need to find someone who is more of a loner and doesn't desire a lot of outside social activity...and many women fall under this description...look in the corners at church.

The depression is the only thing that would concern me a little bit...in a relationship it would be very important to be very honest with yourself and address the issues the minute they even begin to be an issue or else it is will be very hard on your spouse. Also, there needs to be honesty since anti-depressants have the side effect of severely limiting your sexual desire. The drugs are necessary though...but there are plenty of women who would be happy in a low sex relationship....as long as there was cuddling and mental connection. I would say that you need to talk to your counselor about your anxiety and depression issues and how they would see them interfering in a good relationship....explore this before it is a real issue...because it might actually help you relax and realize that you do have something to offer someone as a partner.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

As far as that verse, as a widow, it is definitely reads as sexual desire to me. It actually was freeing to see this in print because it meant that I wasn't a freak (and I know now that many widows have the same issue)...

I have seen among the more fundamentalist/legalistic churches the idea that somehow you should not have any sexual feelings or inclinations unless you are married. If you have any such feelings at all then you are a "carnal Christian" or perhaps "unsaved." The idea seems to be that God reluctantly allows sexuality in marriage (God will allow ordinary, "carnal" people to marry) but the "spiritual" ideal is a sort of asexual "purity." I think they twist the apostle Paul's words to arrive at this. I have observed some people who have extreme, legalistic views, though most people aren't like that. And I think it is a false idea that if you are really "spiritual" then God won't allow you to feel any conflicts or temptations. Actually, I think if anything, the opposite is true.

 

[Aspireman]

I don't take drugs, don't like them, make me worse. I seek counseling instead. I would be completely up front and honest with any likely relationship. Take it, if they can live with these issues for a month, it was never meant to be.

 

[dayhiker]

Doc .. that was my interpretation of sex from the Christian teaching and reading the Bible that I go when I was young. Thank God I learned how to study the Bible for myself and learned what it actually said.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Doc .. that was my interpretation of sex from the Christian teaching and reading the Bible that I go when I was young. Thank God I learned how to study the Bible for myself and learned what it actually said.

Yes, but you can still think that sex is best reserved for marriage. I was more talking about the spiritual ideal some people have in favor of some sort of asexuality and if you aren't asexual, if single, you are "bad" and not "spiritual" enough.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I remember very plainly when I was thinking about this stuff and realized I'd been projecting to everyone at church that I was asexual, tho I was married. Yet when I looked at how God created me I was a sexual being wither I was a married or not. That was one of the steps God used to free me from the doctrines I had put myself under that had been binding me.

 

[Mariposa36]

I would help out as much as I could around the house. Looking in to Disability. With my physical and emotional disabilities I have days, sometimes weeks where I can't function too well, so holding a job is pretty difficult.

...but if you cannot support yourself now, how do you expect to support a wife and kid(s)?

Have you tried working part-time?

 

[Aspireman]

If I work too many hours they take away my food card and insurance. Unless I can work a 8hr 5 day a week and make 9-12 an hour it wouldn't make much sense. I'm better off now than I would be if I worked a 20 hr week. I'd do my best in what ever would need to be done around the house.