Should I start a family?

[intensecatharsis]

My husband is an alcoholic and I love him very much, I think he is a good man. We've been together for over 6 years and had always planned to have children, but now that we're getting closer to starting to try, I'm filled with doubt. I'm really scared that his alcoholism is going to ruin our life, and now I'm thinking we shouldn't have a family. The thought of never being a mom breaks my heart, but so does the thought of bringing my children into a difficult situation and/or leaving my husband. I grew up with my dad addicted to crack cocaine and it nearly destroyed our family and it really damaged how I interact with people. I don't want to do that to our children, put them through what I went through and that they may possibly follow in my husband's footsteps.

I feel so lonely, embarrassed and in despair. I don't know what to say when I pray. The doubt is becoming overwhelming. My hair is starting to fall out from stress and unfortunately my husband rarely talks about these things and has expressed that he doesn't ever plan on quitting drinking, just that he would cut back once we have children because he doesn't want them to see him drunk all the time. I just don't know.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Your children are more likely to grow up with issues other people don't have.

ie

The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

 

[DansonPete]

Maybe you have to let him get sober first for at least a year and decide to have a child

 

[grandvizier1006]

I've had similar worries, but not as extensively since I'm still single and nowhere near ready for marriage. I have Asperger's Syndrome (the section on CF explains it well), and I'm kind of worried that I could pass it on to my children. Autism-spectrum disorders aren't completely hereditary, but it is worrisome for me. I worry about having a child that had to go through what I went through with my condition, and the worst part is that unlike alcoholism he or she actually COULD inherit it--be thankful that at least your children can't inherit that, even if they do end up being genetically predisposed to doing it (not sure if that's possible, though, do some research on that).

On the plus side, I'd know exactly how to raise my children if they "inherited" my Asperger's. But what if I'm not able to be there for them when they need it? What if I simply don't notice when they feel miserable and lonely? If they ended up having emotional and mental stress like I did, I could never forgive myself for allowing them to go through that. Half of my DNA would be in that child, and watching him or her feel the way I did would be like seeing myself go through the depression of my past all over again

So even though it's for different reasons, like you I'm scared to considering having children if it means that they will grow up in a world of hurt. Would it be better to just not have any? I don't know. All you can do is pray that God will give you the skills you need to be a good mother, and you and your husband should get as much information on parenting as you can.

If it's any consolation, my therapist admitted to me that he's a recovering alcoholic, and he also mentioned he has a family. Evidently he's doing perfectly fine. So it's certainly possible, but I'd wait until your husband has his alcoholism under control.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I think you should have a talk to your husband, or at lease write him a letter that he can read, stating why see it as important that he not drink, and that you want a family. Don't leave the guy, let him know you love him. Let him feel safe. You never know it may help.

 

[Saul Hudson]

If he is addicted, your husband isn't going to slow down on drinking just because children are born. It is his brain that is addicted and it will tell him anything... any excuse to get him to keep taking that poison. He needs to understand the addictive voice in his head is not his own voice. It is not him. It is constantly lying to him.

Get the book, "Rational Recovery" by Jack Trimpey and it will help you and him understand.

 

[parsley]

Even though the OP came and went, it seems like a topic a lot of people face, so I will post.

If he is addicted, your husband isn't going to slow down on drinking just because children are born.

There is a classic disconnect between what alcoholics want to do for those they love, and what they're able to do. It's so familiar that we see it in movies and literature as a stereotype. They want to do great things for the other family members, but have too many obstacles.

There are many drawbacks to combining parenthood with alcoholism. He will be less present and helpful. He will be out drinking and when you want help at the end of the long day, you will be dealing with his erratic or contentious behavior instead of getting help from him.

He will imagine he is doing great things for his kids because he wants to, but will forget those times that the alcohol blocked out. When he is in a rage, your kids will have to endure it and learn to sort out what to expect from an authority in their lives.

Lots more, I'm sure you can come up with things you went through.