Should I Go or Should I Stay?

[AFLady71]

I stopped going to church for 5 years after a nervous breakdown. I am autistic and ADHD and had a burnout because the pastor's wife kept asking more and more of me personally while the other 200 people in church did nothing. I just couldn't do it anymore and long story short- after finding out they were in it for money, we quit going. The Lord led us to move out of state and it was the greatest sense of relief, leaving that money-hungry toxic environment.

Now, 5 years later, I decided to go back to church, but do things differently in not volunteering for everything and overwhelming myself. That was part of the problem last time...I couldn't say no, and I let myself get taken advantage of.

Well, back in January, I thought that I found the perfect little country church. The first time I stepped foot in there, they jumped on me, asking what I could do, which surprised me. I had to tell the truth and say that I played piano, which I didn't want to do. Honestly, it hasn't been that bad because it's just simple hymns and that's easy enough. Thing is, after the pastor told me that I could sit and heal and rest up, the opposite has happened. I'm asked to do more and more, which yes, I could say no, but being on an ADHD high, I volunteered at the moment and then, when it came time to do the thing I volunteered for, I felt awful and didn't want to. This created tons of stress for me and here I am again...burnout and dread after only 6 months.

Playing piano is pretty much the limit of my involvement. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to mask and attend, let alone walk to the front and play. They don't understand what it's like being neuro-divergent in a super social church environment where they constantly preach involvement, socialization and interaction. That is not something I enjoy and you can't make them understand why. They're so old fashioned that they think you're demon oppressed or rebellious when you simply aren't wired for it.

It seems like every church I try out; they jump on you to do this and do that. Can we not just sit and enjoy the teaching and preaching for a time to rest? Should I have left and tried a different church? Why do people not realize this is what hurts their attendance?

What are some things you do to stop being a people-pleaser and say yes to everything before thinking it through? That's part of my ADHD trying to mask and be like them, but it's causing so much stress. Sometimes, I think I should just stay home or find a bigger church where I can disappear in. The conflict is that I have a gift and I can contribute to this little church, who badly needs a pianist....but I don't know how to make everyone realize and believe that honestly is the extent of my capabilities. (...and convince myself that's ok!)

 

[Hoping2]

I stopped going to church for 5 years after a nervous breakdown. I am autistic and ADHD and had a burnout because the pastor's wife kept asking more and more of me personally while the other 200 people in church did nothing. I just couldn't do it anymore and long story short- after finding out they were in it for money, we quit going. The Lord led us to move out of state and it was the greatest sense of relief, leaving that money-hungry toxic environment.

Now, 5 years later, I decided to go back to church, but do things differently in not volunteering for everything and overwhelming myself. That was part of the problem last time...I couldn't say no, and I let myself get taken advantage of.

Well, back in January, I thought that I found the perfect little country church. The first time I stepped foot in there, they jumped on me, asking what I could do, which surprised me. I had to tell the truth and say that I played piano, which I didn't want to do. Honestly, it hasn't been that bad because it's just simple hymns and that's easy enough. Thing is, after the pastor told me that I could sit and heal and rest up, the opposite has happened. I'm asked to do more and more, which yes, I could say no, but being on an ADHD high, I volunteered at the moment and then, when it came time to do the thing I volunteered for, I felt awful and didn't want to. This created tons of stress for me and here I am again...burnout and dread after only 6 months.

Playing piano is pretty much the limit of my involvement. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to mask and attend, let alone walk to the front and play. They don't understand what it's like being neuro-divergent in a super social church environment where they constantly preach involvement, socialization and interaction. That is not something I enjoy and you can't make them understand why. They're so old fashioned that they think you're demon oppressed or rebellious when you simply aren't wired for it.

It seems like every church I try out; they jump on you to do this and do that. Can we not just sit and enjoy the teaching and preaching for a time to rest? Should I have left and tried a different church? Why do people not realize this is what hurts their attendance?

What are some things you do to stop being a people-pleaser and say yes to everything before thinking it through? That's part of my ADHD trying to mask and be like them, but it's causing so much stress. Sometimes, I think I should just stay home or find a bigger church where I can disappear in. The conflict is that I have a gift and I can contribute to this little church, who badly needs a pianist....but I don't know how to make everyone realize and believe that honestly is the extent of my capabilities. (...and convince myself that's ok!)

Have you told the folks that ask for your help about your medical problems (ADHD) ?
Do so; so they will be less inclined to pressure you about things.

 

[timf]

It seems like every church I try out; they jump on you to do this and do that.
I have heard it said, "Everyone wants to be Hitler".

What are some things you do to stop being a people-pleaser
"I am not trying to be coy, I am limited and need to stop now".
"It may not seem like it but I cannot do as much as you would like."
"Your pressuring me contributes to the anxiety I am trying to deal with".

or you could go for the humorous
My parole officer said that if kill even one more person, I could be in real trouble.

 

[Noscentia]

Hello,

I have autism and ADHD myself, so I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I think, as another poster mentioned, being honest and up-front about your limitations is important in helping your church understand and respecting them. They will probably be understanding of your conditions, and if not, then it might be a sign to try a different church.

I have a lot of people-pleasing issues as well, related to anxiety surrounding being 'different' similar to how you mentioned. I'm still working on setting healthy boundaries and developing the secureness to be able to say 'no' without so much fear about being 'found out' so to speak.

If your problem is at all similar to mine, looking into healthy boundary-setting might be useful for you, too.

It might also be a good idea to develop some scripts/phrases to use if you're asked to extend yourself beyond your comfort level. Having those at the ready could make it easier than having to answer a request spontaneously, especially if the thought of saying no in that context causes a lot of anxiety. Something like: "I'm sorry, but I'm doing as much as I can handle at the moment so I don't think I could take on that responsibility right now" or "I've got a lot going on, and can't take on more responsibility" or "I'm happy to play the piano for the church, but I can't do more than that right now."

I pray this helps!

 

[Godcrazy]

I stopped going to church for 5 years after a nervous breakdown. I am autistic and ADHD and had a burnout because the pastor's wife kept asking more and more of me personally while the other 200 people in church did nothing. I just couldn't do it anymore and long story short- after finding out they were in it for money, we quit going. The Lord led us to move out of state and it was the greatest sense of relief, leaving that money-hungry toxic environment.

Now, 5 years later, I decided to go back to church, but do things differently in not volunteering for everything and overwhelming myself. That was part of the problem last time...I couldn't say no, and I let myself get taken advantage of.

Well, back in January, I thought that I found the perfect little country church. The first time I stepped foot in there, they jumped on me, asking what I could do, which surprised me. I had to tell the truth and say that I played piano, which I didn't want to do. Honestly, it hasn't been that bad because it's just simple hymns and that's easy enough. Thing is, after the pastor told me that I could sit and heal and rest up, the opposite has happened. I'm asked to do more and more, which yes, I could say no, but being on an ADHD high, I volunteered at the moment and then, when it came time to do the thing I volunteered for, I felt awful and didn't want to. This created tons of stress for me and here I am again...burnout and dread after only 6 months.

Playing piano is pretty much the limit of my involvement. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to mask and attend, let alone walk to the front and play. They don't understand what it's like being neuro-divergent in a super social church environment where they constantly preach involvement, socialization and interaction. That is not something I enjoy and you can't make them understand why. They're so old fashioned that they think you're demon oppressed or rebellious when you simply aren't wired for it.

It seems like every church I try out; they jump on you to do this and do that. Can we not just sit and enjoy the teaching and preaching for a time to rest? Should I have left and tried a different church? Why do people not realize this is what hurts their attendance?

What are some things you do to stop being a people-pleaser and say yes to everything before thinking it through? That's part of my ADHD trying to mask and be like them, but it's causing so much stress. Sometimes, I think I should just stay home or find a bigger church where I can disappear in. The conflict is that I have a gift and I can contribute to this little church, who badly needs a pianist....but I don't know how to make everyone realize and believe that honestly is the extent of my capabilities. (...and convince myself that's ok!)

Hugs! I totally get you.
I`m highly sensitive and ambi-vert leaning more toward introvert than extrovert, but can enjoy both, in doses balanced, however I do enjoy solitude and calmness, it`s the only way to re-charge for me, and for many like me and introverts. The difference between extroverts, those who love attention and socialising and gets energised by it, and the introverts that may love it but can only handle selected time because their brains are built different, where their nervous system already are on the outside so to speak and quickly gets enough, leading to re charging alone is the only option and getting drained of too much socialisation which has a very negative effect on them health wise. Not that they do not love or want, it is a matter of brains.
You are wired differently, and there is nothing weird in this. About half the population is.
Too much stimulation is not good health wise for us. It is certainly not for adhd either.

You have to set boundaries. You don`t have to be impolite or rude. You can be nice doing it. you can say something like, I love this church, and I love to be with you, but I can only take as much and explain what being neuro diverted means, if they don`t understand consider hand them a pamplet of sorts. If they refuse to understand it, tough, you can only give as much as you can do! In those situations you can say you would love to, but only this and that time or days as you only have availability those days times. That is basically all you need. It is not rude, if they can`t understand it that is perfectly reasonable and you don`t have to explain more than that! It is something they should be able to accept.
Practice setting boundaries that way.
I can`t stand "that behaviour" either. But I am very sensitive about where my limit is and when it is time to go it IS time to go! no if` or but just GO.
Those who are decent WILL accept it.
No one is allowed to cross your boundaries.
It is psychologically unhealthy.
you can again emphasise how you would love to help but you only have available time days.
If you sit down and enjoy and they come? the same. Just say I am tired now I don`t have anything in me but that time and day I can.
you have the right to set boundaries. It is NOT un christian what matters is HOW you do it.
They will get the message.
Make sure you can get breaks! Get outside, go somewhere quiet, use head phones etc.
It is tough for us. But we have to set boundaries.

I feel with you I truly do. Give them times you can do the piano. I used to play myself too and sing. But I to the contrary have never been asked like you to the opposite I wanted but not let in

 

[Godcrazy]

May I suggest some quiet time, prayer meditation on God`s word for you, some calm worship music maybe classical. Nature alot. breathing.

 

[Godcrazy]

As well focusing on your body how you feel, muscle therapy, relase, light exercise,..

 

[lismore]

Why do people not realize this is what hurts their attendance?

Hello AFLady. A lot of churches struggle to get people to serve in various ministries, so the faithful can be overloaded, as you are being. It's the times we're living in, the Last Days that the bible warns will bring 'terrible times' (2 Timothy 3:1). It's difficult sometimes for the church leadership to judge when they're overloading someone because they have few indeed who are willing to serve. All you can really do is be honest with them. God Bless You

 

[rachelrising]

Read the post if you want less interaction perhaps try an Anglican/Episcopal/Catholic church if near you the earlier services in the day should be the most quiet. Me, I am a non demotional Christian and go to an Anglican church on a Sunday and it is pleasant and quiet, although no music. The family service later in the day they have a small choir and as you like it, a bit more lively service like that may be more of your thing, but it is quiet still and non instrusive. All Church's that follow the spirit of truth can lead someone to the narrow path as well. One church isn't better than another, it is just what is most suitable to the individual, they need to find the right match.

Do what feels right to you and do you want to give service to God and want to do for him and you. Keep in mind that we store our treasures as well in Heaven and our situations God has made us equipped to cope. God doesn't give you what overwhelms you the Bible tells us as well, and if so well will give us a way to get out of it. The Holy Spitit can help you with your natural talents and pour into them, so if you like music playing for the church why let it go from your life and may the will of God be fulfiled in your life. Keep on shining that light of yours. Best wishes

 

[Godcrazy]

Read the post if you want less interaction perhaps try an Anglican/Episcopal/Catholic church if near you the earlier services in the day should be the most quiet. Me, I am a non demotional Christian and go to an Anglican church on a Sunday and it is pleasant and quiet, although no music. The family service later in the day they have a small choir and as you like it, a bit more lively service like that may be more of your thing, but it is quiet still and non instrusive. All Church's that follow the spirit of truth can lead someone to the narrow path as well. One church isn't better than another, it is just what is most suitable to the individual, they need to find the right match.

Do what feels right to you and do you want to give service to God and want to do for him and you. Keep in mind that we store our treasures as well in Heaven and our situations God has made us equipped to cope. God doesn't give you what overwhelms you the Bible tells us as well, and if so well will give us a way to get out of it. The Holy Spitit can help you with your natural talents and pour into them, so if you like music playing for the church why let it go from your life and may the will of God be fulfiled in your life. Keep on shining that light of yours. Best wishes

Exactly, it is not about what church but if we are born again and live a life for God or not in holiness and with Him.. Pray a lot, read a lot, service a lot.. live for Him.. not everyone but only those who do His will as he said.. you are changed when the spirit comes. you weap for repentance, you change, and all that.

 

[AFLady71]

Thank you all for the replies.
I might talk to the pastor about this but I'm not sure it will help.
I did mention to her that I have ADHD and am on the spectrum and she made light of it and said, oh we're all on the spectrum and we're all wierd in our own way. It felt like a dismissive statement; one, if I revisit, there will be a sermon on, making excuses for serving.

I am sitting with the realization too, that maybe I am going to church for the wrong reasons and they will never be right. That scares me because I want to be saved. I want to go to heaven and I thank/appreciate Jesus for His sacrifice daily, but there are things/programs in the church that I am not comfortable doing, like childrens' ministry and they make you feel like a monster for having no interest in that.

Idk if that's my paranoia or what.

For instance, this week is VBS and I absolutely do NOT want to go or be involved in that. I can only take the noise and craziness of children in small doses. I don't dislike them, but if I have a choice, I will run the other way. Apparently, I am not saved if I am like that. I should want to do that and well...I dont. I just want to go and enjoy the teaching and fellowship but apparently, thats not the right reason and I am not saved if that's the only reason I'm going. ‍♀ (Throwing up my hands in frustration.)

 

[Godcrazy]

Thank you all for the replies.
I might talk to the pastor about this but I'm not sure it will help.
I did mention to her that I have ADHD and am on the spectrum and she made light of it and said, oh we're all on the spectrum and we're all wierd in our own way. It felt like a dismissive statement; one, if I revisit, there will be a sermon on, making excuses for serving.

I am sitting with the realization too, that maybe I am going to church for the wrong reasons and they will never be right. That scares me because I want to be saved. I want to go to heaven and I thank/appreciate Jesus for His sacrifice daily, but there are things/programs in the church that I am not comfortable doing, like childrens' ministry and they make you feel like a monster for having no interest in that.

Idk if that's my paranoia or what.

For instance, this week is VBS and I absolutely do NOT want to go or be involved in that. I can only take the noise and craziness of children in small doses. I don't dislike them, but if I have a choice, I will run the other way. Apparently, I am not saved if I am like that. I should want to do that and well...I dont. I just want to go and enjoy the teaching and fellowship but apparently, thats not the right reason and I am not saved if that's the only reason I'm going. ‍♀ (Throwing up my hands in frustration.)

Dear sister. You ARE saved. Salvation does not depend on emotions or circumstances. If you believe and try to live for Him you ARE saved.
It is VERY normal for an introvert or highly sensitive to feel like you do. I feel kind of similar. Not of a evil heart or unwilling heart. Just as you. we just do not have as much energy to do with, as we empty battery faster than other people and it is always only a certain percentage. That has nothing to do with will power. It is how our brains are wired, how our bodies are wired, our nervous system is wired a bit differently so we pick up more and sense more and get overloaded more by noise, sounds and activities than those that are more extroverted. Many of them do not know about these things or find it strange. Unless they have read or heard about and become educated. Do not feel bad for this, it is a matter of how God made us.
You can try to be honest but nice about it try explain in a way they understand about these things, maybe an article, and explain about conditions and how it makes you tired. Explain how you do love them but you can only do as much. That is honest talk. Offer when and how instead. Like, I might not now, but on wednesday? you are normal, sista.
I get you, it feels like they were insensitive to you. we are more sensitive than others. We don`t know if she understood or if she understood half or if she just did not want to dig deeper into it, that is fine, but I get you. It feels dismissive. But it is not certain it was. Extroverts react differently many times it feels dismissive. Often not as thoughtful or deep as we are. Try not to take it personally. you might want to ask open ended questions to clarify or explain but really you really do not have to explain yourself. If they do not understand I mean.hugs