Should I Give Him A Chance?

[RoseWater]

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

My friend recently asked if he could pursue me. He is a very godly man, and I know he would make a great husband, but God hasn't turn my heart toward my friend. I've heard many stories about women who let go of a good guy, only to find themselves still single 10 years later. I've also heard of stories of women who choose to wait for the one, meet him eventually, and the wait was worth it.

This leaves me confused for many reasons, so I will spare you the details. I will pray about my friend, because he is a godly man, and it's possible God could change my heart. At the same time, I feel like I am forcing myself to like him. I just don't want to pass up a good opportunity, I also don't want to miss God's plan for my life. Is it possible this guy is for me? Or do I have to be crazy in love with him to know he is the one?

Any comments or suggestions for me? I need some wise counsel. Thank you.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I've also heard of stories of women who choose to wait for the one, meet him eventually, and the wait was worth it.

Well I am a guy...I think ::checks:: Yep. lol. I am 31 and didn't meet my fiance until the end of last year. Waiting is VERY much worth it when you find the right one. More on that below...

At the same time, I feel like I am forcing myself to like him. I just don't want to pass up a good opportunity, I also don't want to miss God's plan for my life. Is it possible this guy is for me? Or do I have to be crazy in love with him to know he is the one?

Before I met my fiance I got tired of waiting and I guess you can say forced myself on people who I really wasn't met for. I mean I loved them but I seen I was getting older and I think desperation set in. And at first I thought each woman was the one. But after a few failed relationships I began to notice I was ignoring the fact none of them were really meant for me.

Thats when I gave my love life to God and met my fiance. Being with her makes me look back and say "What was I doing with those other women? I must have been desperate!". To make it worse I was weeks away from marrying the one. It would have been a disaster (long story for another time). When you meet the right one you will know. The hard part is you can't explain what meeting the right one feels like.

Because desperation love we tend to confuse with the sensation of actually being with the right one. And trust me you will know when its the right one. You will instantly be able to look back and say you weren't in love with others. I have no fears, no worries, no trust issues with my fiance. It literally feels like God built us to be together in every way, including ways I never even thought of!

So I can't tell you if this guys meant for you or not. But the fact you say you are forcing yourself to like him is a sign it may not be true love. It also helped for me that I not only prayed about my fiance, but I fasted and got an answer. We've been together just about one year now and everything has been perfect. NO fights, no trust issues...nothing. Obviously we will have issues like every marriage does, but its defiantly not like my past relationship where I had every kind of doubt on the first meeting.

 

[LinkH]

You don't have to look at it in terms of finding 'the one'--the one that makes your heart skip a beat or whatever. You could ask yourself whether you feel romantically attracted to this person? What about physical attraction? There are certain physical needs you obligate yourself to meet for your partner when you marry, and if there is no physical attraction, it isn't fair to marry and then just shut out your partner's needs. So I think there is a role for physical attraction.

My wife was thrilled to be marrying me, and I was thrilled to be marrying her. I certainly wouldn't have enjoyed marriage, especially that early part of it, if she hadn't been thrilled to marry me and in love with me and me with her. Over time, some of the initial euphoria wears off, and character and intentionally being loving and kind helps keep the relationship going strong more than that initial chemistry, IMO.

For me, the big issue was whether this was God's will. We wanted our calls to match, and wanted the Lord to direct us for that and various other reasons. In our case, we believed it was definitely from the Lord and He led us in various ways to understand this.

On the other hand, for thousands of years, lots of marriages were arranged. Some of the countries with lots of arranged marriages have low divorce rates, and they don't marry so much based on romantic spark, or didn't before the past 50 or a 100 years or so. I'm not saying you couldn't have a successful marriage.

I also believe God can give us direction on our decisions, especially a major decision like marriage. If you believe the Lord is leading you in that direction, start pursuing that. If you just have a sense that the Lord is not pleased if you go in this direction, then don't. Pray and fast about this. Honor the Lord in it. It's a big decision, just to try to move in a direction that could possibly include marriage.

You know what? If your parents are alive and available, why not ask their advice? If they are believers, that's all the better. Ask your dad. Have him meet the man, share your thoughts with your parents and get their feedback. They probably know you better than strangers on an Internet discussion forum.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

God hasn't turn my heart toward my friend. I've heard many stories about women who let go of a good guy, only to find themselves still single 10 years later.

Better to be single than be with someone you do not love. Christians poopoo "chemistry" as being little more than infatuation. And, indeed, over the course of a good marriage it is gradually replaced with a deep abiding love. But Chemistry is vital at the beginning of a relationship. Without it you may as well be dating any Tom Dick or Harry.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree with the above.

You're simply not attracted to the guy? That's a hard one to overcome.

In my own life I always kept the attitude of..."I can have all the friends in the world who have all the qualities I adore and cherish in people. My spouse will be someone, however, that embodies both all those things AND I want to sleep with."

 

[Ariadne_GR]

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

My friend recently asked if he could pursue me. He is a very godly man, and I know he would make a great husband, but God hasn't turn my heart toward my friend. I've heard many stories about women who let go of a good guy, only to find themselves still single 10 years later. I've also heard of stories of women who choose to wait for the one, meet him eventually, and the wait was worth it.

This leaves me confused for many reasons, so I will spare you the details. I will pray about my friend, because he is a godly man, and it's possible God could change my heart. At the same time, I feel like I am forcing myself to like him. I just don't want to pass up a good opportunity, I also don't want to miss God's plan for my life. Is it possible this guy is for me? Or do I have to be crazy in love with him to know he is the one?

Any comments or suggestions for me? I need some wise counsel. Thank you.

No, no, no, no, did I mention no? I have tried this. My friend, also a godly man wanted to pursue me too. We do not have the same goals in life and he is much older than me but he's a nice guy and I thought I'd give him a chance. Wrong. I had no feelings for him beyond friendship, I tried to force something that wasn't there. Fortunately it was a long distance thing as I had moved away by the time he told me his feelings and probably lasted two months before I realised what a mistake I was making. Firstly, I was leading him on by trying to force feelings that weren't there and if I did go through with it, I'd be settling. What partner wants to know you just 'settled' for them?

Obviously if you feel your feelings could change it's different, but forcing something that isn't there is a big no in my book.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

I don't think any person's opinion is going to be your answer on this one.

You have the right idea; pray about it and don't get involved until God moves your heart one way or the other.

Some people can live happily in a marriage that's just "nice" and "good", like being best friends with benefits, and these are the people who usually marry young, and marry "nice" people and enjoy "nice" lives that aren't spectacular, but good. Others can't because they were designed for intense passion and deep intimacy that only comes from serious romantic and sexual chemistry, and these are usually the people who wait for "the one" (that was me). That's also going to be a major factor in what you might decide to do.

 

[RoseWater]

Thank you everyone for your responses! I definitely have more direction now.

I don't think any person's opinion is going to be your answer on this one.

You have the right idea; pray about it and don't get involved until God moves your heart one way or the other.

Some people can live happily in a marriage that's just "nice" and "good", like being best friends with benefits, and these are the people who usually marry young, and marry "nice" people and enjoy "nice" lives that aren't spectacular, but good. Others can't because they were designed for intense passion and deep intimacy that only comes from serious romantic and sexual chemistry, and these are usually the people who wait for "the one" (that was me). That's also going to be a major factor in what you might decide to do.

Thank you for sharing that. Did you eventually meet the one? I am a hopeful hopeless romantic, and I'd rather wait to meet "the one."

My friend is attractive, but I am not crazy in love with him or anything like that. I definitely won't enter into a relationship with this man unless I am sure about him. If I am not in love with him, I just won't do it. I was just hoping that maybe my heart would change, because he is a great guy, also my best friend. I will just give this to God.

Thanks everyone!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

If he was asking to marry you, I could understand the reservations... But a early part of what may or may not be a relationship? Honestly, I think you're putting a lot of pressure on it. Go for coffee, go out as friends, see where that takes you. Your feelings or his feelings could change, but at the very least you got out and had a good time.

 

[JohnDB]

There is no magic spell that makes you "poof" and in love. Nor is there a person who has an aura that does the same thing.

Love is a bit of a choice and a taking of a chance. It is not about what you get out of the deal...it is about giving of yourself, your time, your talents, your goals and a lot of other things to another person that you have a great admiration for...and for good reasons.

Being attractive and looking good are the least important things in a good relationship.

and as has been suggested: be a friend. Go hang out and see if you have similar interests and goals and possibly share some of your thoughts and feelings with this guy. If he values them and then shares some of his...wonderful. See if the intimacy level grows. If not...then don't force it.

He, being a great guy, deserves a great woman. And if you can't be that for him then don't try. But at least be a friend to him if he is such a good guy.

 

[Luther073082]

Thank you everyone for your responses! I definitely have more direction now.



Thank you for sharing that. Did you eventually meet the one? I am a hopeful hopeless romantic, and I'd rather wait to meet "the one."

My friend is attractive, but I am not crazy in love with him or anything like that. I definitely won't enter into a relationship with this man unless I am sure about him. If I am not in love with him, I just won't do it. I was just hoping that maybe my heart would change, because he is a great guy, also my best friend. I will just give this to God.

Thanks everyone!

If you are expecting to be completly in love with someone before you even enter a relationship with them, then you will never fall in love with anyone.

The idea of a relationship before marriage is to find if you are compatable for marriage, and this includes falling in love.

If you are absolutly not physically attracted to him, then there is no point, because a relationship is unlikely to change that.

But if your thought is, I absolutly won't go out with anyone unless I'm totally in love with them. . . That's just ridiculous.

If you can see some physical attraction to him and think he's a decent guy, then I say yeah, give him a shot, go on some dates with him, see how it goes. Asking for a date is not a lifetime committment or asking for marriage, it's asking you to spend a bit of time with him and see how things go.

Don't make dating into some sort of big deal.

 

[RoseWater]

I love the comments, thank you everyone, that was very helpful. Wow, I feel better about this whole thing already.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Thank you for sharing that. Did you eventually meet the one? I am a hopeful hopeless romantic, and I'd rather wait to meet "the one."

My friend is attractive, but I am not crazy in love with him or anything like that. I definitely won't enter into a relationship with this man unless I am sure about him. If I am not in love with him, I just won't do it. I was just hoping that maybe my heart would change, because he is a great guy, also my best friend. I will just give this to God.

Yes, I did! But I had to wait until I was in my 30's (OLD by the world's standards, you know lol), and he was in his 40's (he had also waited, was never married before). I'm also a hopeless romantic, and so is he. We'd both decided before we ever knew the other existed, that we'd find contentment in being single if we had to. Bottom line, you have to ACCEPT God's will - even if you don't know what it is - before He can move. We didn't want to be single, we were both raging romantics, but we had to stop being miserable in our singleness, and learn to find joy in life, to be thankful for all we had, even if we were single. We had family, friends, jobs, our health, hobbies, etc. WHAT did we have to complain about? It wasn't until I'd found some measure of peace in being alone - even if I didn't WANT it - that I met my guy. And it was sooooooooo worth the wait It was MORE than worth the wait. He is my absolute dream come true. God shut my complaining mouth once and for all

There are a lot of people who will pressure you into accepting this guy because you're good friends, he's really nice, etc etc etc. And you may have moments where you're tempted to do that, because you know he'd treat you well, he'd never hurt you, etc. But for me (and I suspect for you as well) that's not enough. We'd rather be single and hold onto our dreams, than give them up just to satisfy loneliness, even if it's with a "good guy". I didn't want "a good guy", I only wanted THE ONE GUY God had for me. Some people claim there is no one person for us... I heartily disagree and hold my relationship up as proof.

Best wishes!