Should I be honest?

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Or just 'let it go' and move on with my life and just not talk to her anymore (or for a few years)?

My "best friend" and I have been friends for 25 years.

I've changed ALOT in the past 5 years. She still lives in CA and I now live in AZ.....so we're not even close to each other anymore (living). When I had my dd, I asked her to be Godmother, she was also 'matron of honor' when I got married.

As I've been changing thru the years, I've realized how selfish she is and not a great friend. She's been married twice, never asked me to be in the wedding (I didn't go to her 2nd wedding), had her son a year ago, never asked me to be Godparent (she's on her 2nd now). She drove me and dd out to AZ, when moving, because I asked her....but she HAD to fly back the next morning, couldn't even stay a day in this new, strange area! And hasn't been out once to visit in last 4 years. But, I did need her, at two points, in my life and she was there for both (kind of emergency stuff)

But, she just did ANOTHER thing in the last week to where I feel I just don't want to be friends anymore, I mean, not close friends.

Should I be honest and tell her my feelings? (she has alot going on in her life right now, pregnancy and move) or should I just go on with my life and exclude her? I really don't care either way......I'm 'over' our friendship, but I want to be fair to her. I just don't want her to be all 'fake' when I tell her my feelings and have her 'act' different for 2 minutes because she doesn't want to lose my friendship.

 

[dluvs2trvl]

I think it depends on if you really want to try and salvage the friendship. If you really are over it and just want to move on then I don't see any reason to have a talk with her. It sounds to me like if you just fade out of her life she probably won't even notice

If you have some hope that you can salvage the friendship and you want to do that then I would talk with her and see what you can work out but I wouldn't count on anything...

 

[faithopelove]

I totally agree. We all have different types of friends in different seasons of our lives. Sounds like she needs to be moved from dear friend to casual friend.

 

[country woman]

Yes you should be honest. Tell how you feel and take it from there

 

[ido]

I think it depends on if you really want to try and salvage the friendship. If you really are over it and just want to move on then I don't see any reason to have a talk with her. It sounds to me like if you just fade out of her life she probably won't even notice

If you have some hope that you can salvage the friendship and you want to do that then I would talk with her and see what you can work out but I wouldn't count on anything...

I'm with D on this one.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

^^ I am too. Just make sure that you're ready to walk away from the friendship.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

thanks for all the 'thoughts'.

I've been 'making my break' from her since I've moved out here......I was waiting to see what kind of friend she would be once we weren't close to each other? And, I think, her not even making the EFFORT to come out and visit me or her goddaughter, 'sealed the deal'. (In my heart, I was done with our friendship)......because for the last 20 or so years, it's been ME holding our friendship together, by ALWAYS visiting HER....(in college, etc.) She was always "too busy" and couldn't find the time to visit me. (she's like that with all her friends)

When she got married this last summer....I was waiting to see if she'd (at least) have her goddaughter in the wedding (of course, she couldn't).....so I just didn't feel like spending the money on plane fare or making arrangements on who we were staying with, etc., so we just didn't go (which I think hurt her feelings......but prolly showed her that she wasn't that important to me anymore).

Anyways, there's been more things thru this last year and then AGAIN this past week (that's all about HER, of course and what I can do for her....which I think I've done ENOUGH thru the years).

So, I just don't feel like talking to her anymore.

Again thanks for the thoughts, it helps me 'think things thru'.

 

[Jenster]

Sorry you're going through this, HopeFaith. It's really hard when friendships become unequal, but faithhope is right. There are different seasons for different friendships.

I wouldn't close the door entirely, though. Perhaps you can just let it fade? I say this because old friends have come back into my life from time to time. We don't pretend to be superclose, but it's nice to see them under the right circumstances. It's best not to burn any bridges if you don't have to.

 

[GritsnGrace]

Sorry you're going through this, HopeFaith. It's really hard when friendships become unequal, but faithhope is right. There are different seasons for different friendships.

I wouldn't close the door entirely, though. Perhaps you can just let it fade? I say this because old friends have come back into my life from time to time. We don't pretend to be superclose, but it's nice to see them under the right circumstances. It's best not to burn any bridges if you don't have to.

I'm with Jenster, here. I have had a friend like that. We come and go, and I might go months, or years without hearing from her, but every now and then....she will call! I jsut know not to expect anything from her.

 

[jcj3803]

because for the last 20 or so years, it's been ME holding our friendship together,

This relationship is clearly out of balance and like any that is out of balance, it should be rebalanced or ended.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Sounds to me that you've had unmet expectations in the past.
When you made her God mother did you certain expectations that you made known to her? Does God mother mean that she will be custodian of your child in the event of untimely death?
Was there some kind of deal that if she was your child's God mother then you will be her child's? If not you may be hurting yourself over something she has know idea of.
Same goes of Matron of Honor. My son surprised me by not picking his best friend for best man... His reasoning was that there is a particular function with lots of responsibility and his best friend lived too far away to be able to help with those things. That's not how I'd have chosen someone... but people are all different.

I'd say continue being friends but check your expectations and make sure you have good boundaries between the two of you. At this stage in life you're not as close as you once were... but life changes and so will you both. You may be close again later.
25 yrs is a long time and one day you may be glad to have someone who knew you when

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Sounds to me that you've had unmet expectations in the past.
you may be hurting yourself over something she has know idea of.
Same goes of Matron of Honor.

I'd say continue being friends but check your expectations and make sure you have good boundaries between the two of you. At this stage in life you're not as close as you once were... but life changes and so will you both. You may be close again later.
25 yrs is a long time and one day you may be glad to have someone who knew you when

Yeah, thanks. I guess back when I had my dd and I asked her to be Godmama (9 years ago)......I 'thought' she felt I was just as important in HER life, just as she was in mine. But, not asking me to be in her 1st wedding, and not asking me to be Godmama to her son....did sting a bit. So, obviously, I knew I wasn't going to be asked to be in her 2nd wedding......but she HAS been a good Godmama to dd, and (once again) I 'thought' she would ask dd to be flower girl or SOMETHING....but guess not, don't know why?

I guess, her and I have different ideas of what friendship is.....so, I guess, I need to keep it at that and realize she will never be the friend I 'thought' she was. It just sucks....knowing this, because I would've NEVER asked her to be Godmama, if I knew THEN, what I know now.

So, I'll take everyone's advice and not cut it off totally, just distance myself (like I have been) and leave 'the door open' if she ever needs me. It just saddens me, that dd and her won't have a special and close bond, like I thought dd would have with her, growing up.(because I have to distance myself)

Again, thanks for all the 'thoughts'.

 

[soccerdad66]

I personally would let things die down naturally. You're feeling might change after awhile, and if you say something, you may end up hurting her and wished you hadn't said anything. If she brings up up, it's not on your head.

I have people who used to be friends and I don't care for anymore, and it's probably visa versa, so why should I worry about hurt feelings?

And maybe that's just me.

 

[DIVA_for_Christ]

There is a young lady in my life who I thought we were friends because God told me to be her friend. Well He showed me a lot of hurt, pain and rejection that she was dealing with. One day, she totally went off on me. When I say went off, I mean went off!

I couldn't understand how a "friend" could be that way. She accused me of things that were untrue and I went to God and she why did you tell me that she was my friend.

He gently told me "I told you to be her friend, I never said she was going to be yours."

Sometimes relationships are unbalanced like that because God is planting seeds into the other person and He is trusting us to walk in unconditional love towards them. In time they will see the truth and in turn, they will learn how to be a true friend.

So please seek God for how He desires you to handle this "friendship" and if He tells you to walk away (sometimes He does) do just that. But if He tells you to still be there for her, but expect nothing in return (that's what He told me) do that as well.

In the end, regardless of how others treat us, our goal should be to please God.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

It's always hard when you have one sided friendships. People do change over the years and it's hard when you don't live close (I know CA is not that far from AZ) but it is what it is. I have "good" friends that I hardly talk to, but we both know we are busy and it's just how it is, doesn't make us any less close. Some of my friends have changed and I just don't feel like hanging around them much anymore because I too have changed and IMO they are still where I used to be and I'm not, but I don't completely close the door on the friendship. If there comes a point where she asks you why you haven't been in contact, maybe then I would share some of what you are feeling, but it would depend. People are brought into and out of our lives for reasons and different seasons. You both may be in different seasons now, but 25 years is a long time to be friends and throw it away IMO.

 

[Bridgit]

I would let it go and move on with my life. However, I don't believe in closing doors to people except to those who are deliberately hurtful and dangerous. Life is tough and everybody reacts to it differently. Just like our Lord will never forsake us, for His sake, let the door open for her, just don't expect anything from her then you won't get hurt/disappointed.

 

[DIVA_for_Christ]

It's always hard when you have one sided friendships. People do change over the years and it's hard when you don't live close (I know CA is not that far from AZ) but it is what it is. I have "good" friends that I hardly talk to, but we both know we are busy and it's just how it is, doesn't make us any less close. Some of my friends have changed and I just don't feel like hanging around them much anymore because I too have changed and IMO they are still where I used to be and I'm not, but I don't completely close the door on the friendship. If there comes a point where she asks you why you haven't been in contact, maybe then I would share some of what you are feeling, but it would depend. People are brought into and out of our lives for reasons and different seasons. You both may be in different seasons now, but 25 years is a long time to be friends and throw it away IMO.

People are in our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. The key is to seek God out and find out where which category people fit into and how He desires for us to deal with them.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Again, thanks for all the advice, everyone! I am so humbled with all the great advice!!

I've given it all over to God and will let Him lead me, with what He thinks is best and I'll just keep it in prayer......thru time will tell. I just don't want to be hurt by a one-sided friendship anymore and I don't want dd to think that 'Godmama' is going to be a huge influence in her life, if she's not.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Just try not to let the feelings you have for your friend spill over into your daughter. Let her make her own decisions about her as she grows older. Otherwise she might feel one way and act another to protect your feelings when talking about her. If she asks why she isn't around, I would just tell her that people just get busy in their lives sometimes (cuz that's true) and leave it at that. Offer to let her call her, if she's old enough and asks to. JMHO

 

[Inkachu]

Been there, done that. I have a friend that I've known since high school. We were two peas in a pod for years, but then she got married and wound up living an hour away with 5 kids. She sometimes makes me feel terribly guilty that we haven't stayed close, but she doesn't seem to realize we aren't in high school now and we can't just leave our families (I have a child as well) and just "hang" all the time like two teenagers. I've ALWAYS been the one to visit her, even though it's far away and she usually just ignores me while I'm there, while she cleans or cooks - I think she just likes me being there for some reason. Anyway...I'll always love her and care about her, but we just can't be close friends. I've never sat down and talked it all out with her...it's too easy to hurt someone's feelings that way. We just quietly grew apart, and I think that's best.

Good luck!