She's in love with another man.

[mikeg1970]

I've struggled writing this a few times so please bear with me. The love of my life is in love with another man.

We have been married for 23 years and have four kids. The marriage has been pleasant, although we have had some rocky times. It's been a good marriage with a lot to show for it there's no question about that. Anyway, there is a recovering alcoholic who has started attending services.

He lost his home and his wife due to bad choices, so he has wanted to turn his life around. He started growing closer with members that attend our church, I noticed my wife seemed to fancy him. There was a church BBQ where I overheard my wife talking to him. He was speaking about maybe getting back in the dating scene. Wife responded with "With a handsome face like yours, women will be practically drooling over you" I talked to her about it (this happened 6 months ago) she said he was just trying to spirits up.

Anything they have grown increasingly closer, so much so that others have mentioned them becoming good friends. Well just yesterday she left her email logined and Im sorry for doing this but I snooped. Found a love letter sent from her that was meant for him. The message contained I love yous and you're so amazing/ the light of my life. Calling him her true love and and that he's so handsome. Very high schooly/raunchy and some graphic sexual filled messages.

I have talked to her. Yet she is denying an affair with this man, but has now admitted that she's had an inappropriate relationship with him, but nothing physical has happened. Can I really believe that? My world feels destroyed and I feel like I have failed. Do I need to confront him?

I'm not going to sit and act like I have been this religious man throughout my life. We just started going to church more often within this year. Thought it would maybe good for us. Although all it has done is pushed my wife into another mans arms. Of course that isn't the church's fault though.

 

[Another Lazarus]

Dont bend your knees and beg, just let her go. Its not your sin if you divorce her. its her choice.

 

[381465]

Understandable to be angry and hurt.

He's not responsible for your wife's vows, marriage and betrayal...she is.

Whatever happens, do not let her convince you that it's your fault that she lied and sinned. I have seen that happen most of the time when spouses are unfaithful deceivers.

Praying for the best for you.

 

[Galatea]

If you still love her, then ask her to go to counseling. It can be salvaged if you both still love each other. Of course you have grounds for divorce if you wish to go that route.

 

[Hidden In Him]

Men and women are different, marriages are different, some closer than others...

That having been said, I'll respond as if it were me in the same situation, advising myself:

Now may be the toughest time of your life. Satan will tempt you to focus entirely on yourself, and how badly you've been betrayed by the woman you gave your heart and life to. Don't let him. In the situation you are in now, which will probably not resolve quickly, the one thing that will protect your heart the most is to draw your attentions toward God: Pray more, as part of a set program (set a certain hour of your day for it, and don't let the enemy draw you away); spend time in His word, maybe something easier like the Gospel of John that reminds you of His love for you, and how He wants all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength; pray and ask if there isn't a new church you maybe could go to to get away from all the reminders, and maybe find some new friends who could help you through this.

The key for me would be this: Doing everything in my power to keep my mind from focusing on the betrayal, so as to stay in a happier and more hopeful mood, regardless of what becomes of your marriage situation (Philippians 4:8). Toward this end, don't think that you will somehow be obscure in doing it. The apostle Paul taught that even married believers should see themselves as not married, since "the mode of this world is passing away." (1 Corinthians 7:29-31). Notice it says, "and those that weeped as though they wept not"? This was to those who had lost spouses. It was encouragement to keep looking for the return of the Lord Jesus Christ, instead of morning for what they had lost.

Not as easy to do as say, but certainly possible, and in my opinion mandatory if you are to keep from becoming downcast, angry, resentful, bitter... Taking this approach will give you strength to face each day, and you'll find yourself slowly starting to get a new picture of the course you may need to take, and that things will be Ok regardless of what happens. Eventually, you may come to see it as a new lease on life.

If you try to make it work and can't overcome the mistrust, best just to part ways. Something often dies as a result of adultery; something that can never be gotten back. On the other hand, there have been multitudes of believers who stuck it out and saved their marriages. Knowing what is the best course to take will require drawing much closer to God. If you do, your future will be bright, no matter what happens.

God bless, and welcome to our Forum. Hope this helped you somehow.

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

I've struggled writing this a few times so please bear with me. The love of my life is in love with another man.

We have been married for 23 years and have four kids. The marriage has been pleasant, although we have had some rocky times. It's been a good marriage with a lot to show for it there's no question about that. Anyway, there is a recovering alcoholic who has started attending services.

He lost his home and his wife due to bad choices, so he has wanted to turn his life around. He started growing closer with members that attend our church, I noticed my wife seemed to fancy him. There was a church BBQ where I overheard my wife talking to him. He was speaking about maybe getting back in the dating scene. Wife responded with "With a handsome face like yours, women will be practically drooling over you" I talked to her about it (this happened 6 months ago) she said he was just trying to spirits up.

Anything they have grown increasingly closer, so much so that others have mentioned them becoming good friends. Well just yesterday she left her email logined and Im sorry for doing this but I snooped. Found a love letter sent from her that was meant for him. The message contained I love yous and you're so amazing/ the light of my life. Calling him her true love and and that he's so handsome. Very high schooly/raunchy and some graphic sexual filled messages.

I have talked to her. Yet she is denying an affair with this man, but has now admitted that she's had an inappropriate relationship with him, but nothing physical has happened. Can I really believe that? My world feels destroyed and I feel like I have failed. Do I need to confront him?

I'm not going to sit and act like I have been this religious man throughout my life. We just started going to church more often within this year. Thought it would maybe good for us. Although all it has done is pushed my wife into another mans arms. Of course that isn't the church's fault though.

Dont bend your knees and beg, just let her go. Its not your sin if you divorce her. its her choice.

In situations like this, you should be encouraged by Psalms 37 and 73. There is no future for the one who chooses wickedness, but we know that "all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28." "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us (Romans 5:3-5)."

I don't say this casually or insensitively. My wife just literally revealed to me a few hours ago that she has slept with 5 men since we have been married and was pretending to have jobs from Kijiji each time (what's ironic is she has a profile here (Honesty-SJ) and has criticized and tried to rebuke women who even disrespect their husbands). Additionally, she thought it was rather amusing and was telling me that she is on her way to get with another man after leaving here tonight. She admitted she wants nothing to do with Christ and couldn't care less if she goes to hell as long as she gets the pleasures of the fleeting adultery she has now, and that she has been faking love for Him and me the entire marriage. It was unbelievably morbid how she behaved.

This just happened tonight, and I can tell you with the experience even fresh in my mind that God has the power to sustain you through it if you surrender to Him and accept the reality that the wicked are going to do what the wicked do:

"Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand." "Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."(Daniel 12:10, Matthew 24:12-13)

So coming from someone who is demonstrably not a hypocrite or without understanding, don't waste your time fretting over a woman who chooses to abandon her marriage; there is no love in her to keep. As Another Lazarus said above, do not beg, do not even extend more than a sigh. I know that might be difficult, but there is everything to gain from losing an adulterer who chooses the broad road to destruction. I will pray for your regardless, that God's will be done and that hopefully your wife has sufficient sense to respond to God's conviction before she accomplishes the irreparable. Don't lose hope, but be prepared. This kind of woman is likely to surrender herself to sin if she can't even handle herself around a group of men in church. I don't say this to contradict the hope portion of what I said, but because I know from experience preparation for the worst outcome will allow you to stand your ground in the full armour of God and not fall into sin yourself on account of embitterment.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." (Ephesians 6:10-13)

 

[puregrl]

First of all, I want to congratulate you both on being married for 23 years. That is quite a period of time and I can imagine you have gone through a number of struggles. It seems like this one is more than you can handle at this point though. I do agree that you both need to see a counselor on this topic, a mediator. Someone needs to get the point of view on both sides before making any condemning remarks.
It seems she has lost your trust through what she has done, and trust has to be earned back. It is difficult for you to believe that what she said is the whole truth because of that lost trust.
Know that she made a mistake, she admitted that mistake. Does she want to restore the relationship? Do you want to restore the relationship? Clearly there is a lot of love between the two of you to have been married for so long. You just need to find it again. And she needs to realize that it will take time to earn your trust back again.
As far as this other guy...I know I would want my man to fight for me. However, doing so can cause problems between not only the two of you but could potentially cause issues between this guy and you. So I would find a way for the both of you to avoid him. If possible, maybe do a meeting between you and him with a pastor or something...Id talk to the pastor first.
I am happy you guys have decided to go to church. As you said, it is not their fault. This was a result of opportunity and being in the same place at the same time.

 

[381465]

As far as this other guy...I know I would want my man to fight for me. However, doing so can cause problems between not only the two of you but could potentially cause issues between this guy and you. So I would find a way for the both of you to avoid him. If possible, maybe do a meeting between you and him with a pastor or something...Id talk to the pastor first.
I am happy you guys have decided to go to church. As you said, it is not their fault. This was a result of opportunity and being in the same place at the same time.

How? Who does he fight?

She wasn't kidnapped against her will. She willingly violated vows and was deceitful.

I have heard woman say this before and I don't understand it. If a woman wants to feel closer to her man, be closer to your man. Why run away just to be chased?

 

[Dave-W]

Why run away just to be chased?

Because of what the process of chasing says to her.

 

[381465]

Because of what the process of chasing says to her.

I guess I'm stupid...that doesn't help me understand.

She has inappropriate relationship outside of marriage and she would expect him to "fight" for her?

She should grovel to keep him.

 

[Dave-W]

I guess I'm stupid...that doesn't help me understand.

Notstupid; rather, a clueless (aka normal) guy. I am sure one of the ladies here could explain it better than I could.

 

[381465]

A woman acting that way is acting like a brat teenager, not a woman.

No room for this childish pandering and fantasy in my life.

I think fighting for/chasing a marriage partner who was deceitful and unfaithful is like working to make a liars lies come true.

 

[Dave-W]

I think what @DaveW-Ohev means is that some women like to be pursued by other men.

Not what I meant at all. (but I do get that point as well)

I meant that a woman wants to know her husband is still wanting her enough to pursue her. Now of course that varies from person to person.

 

[Dave-W]

A woman acting that way is acting like a brat teenager, not a woman.
No room for this childish pandering and fantasy in my life.

Your choice. Unfortunately that attitude may come back to bite you, given the right circumstance.

I think fighting for/chasing a marriage partner who was deceitful and unfaithful is like working to make a liars lies come true.

Our Lord (thru Paul) told us that husbands are to love their wives as "Christ loves the Church." If we stray, does not the Lord keep beckoning us to come back to HIM? Does He not "leave the 99 to seek for the one?"

Should we husbands not do the same?

 

[381465]

Not what I meant at all. (but I do get that point as well)

I meant that a woman wants to know her husband is still wanting her enough to pursue her. Now of course that varies from person to person.

I get that. Everything else being sane and equal...good to go.

But a woman wanting a man to chase her after she stabbed him in the heart and is chasing another man that she's hot for is just goofy.

 

[Dave-W]

But a woman wanting a man to chase her after she stabbed him in the heart and is chasing another man that she's hot for is just goofy.

How many times have we stabbed our Lord in the heart, (figuratively) and He has come after us to draw us back? How many times in the OT did He keep drawing Israel back to Himself when they went off into idol worship and degradation?

ETA:

At one point God said this about Israel:

Ezekiel 23:20 She lusted after their paramours, whose flesh** is like the flesh of donkeys and whose issue*** is like the issue of horses.

** size of male member
*** volume of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]

That is some serious lust. But God drew her back to Himself.

 

[381465]

How many times have we stabbed our Lord in the heart, (figuratively) and He has come after us to draw us back? How many times in the OT did He keep drawing Israel back to Himself when they went off into idol worship and degradation?

I want to be like you when I grow up...I think.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If you still love her, then ask her to go to counseling. It can be salvaged if you both still love each other. Of course you have grounds for divorce if you wish to go that route.

Since you are all Church members at the same Church.
This matter should be brought (at once) to the Pastor and Elders of your Church.
Praying for you,
M-Bob

 

[DarthNeo]

At this point there is no need to be bashful. You need to ask all the hard questions.

Why...?
Are you going to stop...?
Is this just a mid-life crisis?
Have you thought about our KIDS!

And I would DEFINITELY give the guy a piece of my mind and tell him to NEVER contact her again...

 

[Mountainmanbob]

And I would DEFINITELY give the guy a piece of my mind and tell him to NEVER contact her again...

It would be hard not to, "tell him how it really is."

Plus, it seems that the Church should send him away with his walking papers.
Pastors and Elders are suppose to be watching for these situations (and act fast).
MB