She lied about her virginity,he's devasted

DYOLF · Dec 11, 2011

Since you guys are discussing virginity in another thread I thought I would ask about this story which has been bothering me.So here goes the story

Tim is a nice Christian brother,bible bashing and on fire for the Lord.
He was saving himself for the one and finally she arrived or so he thought.She was a virgin and saving herself for the one and also a good Christian girl who even sang in the church choir.The girl was everything to Tim,she could even cook,imagine she can cook good food.

They got married last week and Tim found out the girl was not a virgin.Naturally he's not very impressed.Not only was Sue not a virgin,she actually used to live with her ex boyfriend for 2 good years in another town.Apparently Sue was really wild at University too and many guys had their first sexual encounter with her according to reports.All this has now surfaced and Tim is feeling like a mug in all this for being so trusting.He does not want this marriage to continue because he feels like the woman lied to him and he can never trust her again.The new couple has been getting counselling but Tim has moved out of their new house.

What would you have done if you were Tim?

Verve · Dec 11, 2011

He should love her as Christ loves the Church.
He should forgive her for lying.
If she repented of her previous behavior and wants to make it work part of what they should be seeking therapy for is communication. They should explore why she felt she needed to deceive Tim.

DYOLF · Dec 11, 2011

thankful_in_VT said:
He should love her as Christ loves the Church.
He should forgive her for lying.
If she repented of her previous behavior and wants to make it work part of what they should be seeking therapy for is communication. They should explore why she felt she needed to deceive Tim.

Is the marriage valid though seeing it was built on a foundation of lies and deception?

Sieben · Dec 11, 2011

DYOLF said:
Is the marriage valid though seeing it was built on a foundation of lies and deception?

yes it's valid

unfortunately..

Verve · Dec 11, 2011

DYOLF said:
Is the marriage valid though seeing it was built on a foundation of lies and deception?

Isn't it valid because they pledged to be together "'till death do we part" ?

It's a horrible situation that he's in, yes, but that's his wife.
His wife!

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel (Malachi 2:16).

What God has joined together, let man not separate . . . I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery (Matthew 19:6, 9).

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery (Mark 10:11-12).

Keri · Dec 11, 2011

DYOLF said:
Is the marriage valid though seeing it was built on a foundation of lies and deception?

Lying is a justifyable reason for annulment.

someguy14 · Dec 11, 2011

Poor Tim.

K9_Trainer · Dec 11, 2011

I pretty much agree with thankful. It sounds like there are a lot of miscommunications in the relationship that need to be worked on. Why did she feel the need to withhold that info from Tim and lie about it? I think Tim's reaction after finding out was too dramatic and probably just reinforces the girls insecurity. I'm making an assumption here, but I don't see why she would lie if she felt secure with and accepted by Tim. From my personal experiences, a lot of Christians come on rather strong and give off a judgmental vibe rather than a forgiving one. In no way am I trying to pass blame. She is responsible for what she did. But it also takes two to tango and if Tim is making her feel like his love is conditional and making her feel like she has to lie to be accepted, then that's a problem that needs to be worked on.

DYOLF · Dec 11, 2011

Sieben said:
yes it's valid

unfortunately..

Isnt this misrepresentation of facts though?I'm not a lawyer surely but would God honour such?I know Jacob was duped but he should have opened that woman's veil before he bedded her and asked for the right woman to be brought into his tent.Tim would not have tried to prove the woman's virginity without being inappropriate.
Isnt this case different because she told the brother a whole bunch of lies.No disrespect to non virgins but surely how can you tell someone no man been here before when it's the opposite?

Verve · Dec 11, 2011

What I was saying is,she repented of the behavior, does it matter?
I remember hearing people apply the term "born again virgin" to those who repented and pledged not to have sex again until marriage.

Edit: I knew I had heard that term before.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/iyf/1997/marapr/7c2041.html?start=1

Maybe that's what she considered herself to be?

Thunder Peel · Dec 11, 2011

Forgive and forget. It's unfortunate that she wasn't honest about it but they're married now. Again, this is all the more reason to really make sure you know someone before you make a commitment like that. He should be focused on the future instead of hung up on a past neither of them can change anyway.

If she's repentant and hasn't repeated this behavior since being with him then I don't see the big deal. I'm a believer in saving oneself for marriage but I realize many don't and I wouldn't hold that against anyone, especially my spouse. What's done is done. Let God work through that and press ahead into the relationship.

Lord Of The Forest · Dec 11, 2011

thankful_in_VT said:
He should love her as Christ loves the Church.
He should forgive her for lying.
If she repented of her previous behavior and wants to make it work part of what they should be seeking therapy for is communication. They should explore why she felt she needed to deceive Tim.

I agree with Caitlin; it's a tragic and traumatic situation for Tim, no doubt, but if his wife had truly repented, isn't he obligated to accept her?

How often do we go whoring after others and forsake our first love, Jesus Christ? How often do we do this, and how often does He take us back?

If the woman in question continues to do sleep with other men, this is a different situation, but at this point, I would encourage Tim to honour the covenant he made to his wife and to God.

Bear in mind that her honesty and integrity is on the line with her not telling Tim of her past and passing herself off as a virgin when she apparently lead a loose lifestyle at some point. With this track record, Tim may be experiencing some renewed heartbreak, but right now, she deserves a chance to prove herself.

Oddish · Dec 11, 2011

How long did they wait to get married?

acropolis · Dec 11, 2011

DYOLF said:
][/B]What would you have done if you were Tim?

Examined what I could have done to make her think she needed to hide something as inconsequential as the status of her virginity, and take actions to correct whatever that was.

Obzocky · Dec 11, 2011

... so she hadn't cheated on him, behaved inappropriately whilst with him, was essentially the same person but now she had been judged by the man she married for not being a virgin and being too worried about how she'll be viewed to tell him? If that's all it takes for him to move out and wonder if the marriage should continue then she was never truly everything to him.

If I were Tim I would of been disappointed she didn't trust me enough to tell me about her past. That's about it.

Verve · Dec 11, 2011

DYOLF- I think that instead of debating what we'd do in this situation we should be praying for their marriage. For them to work past this and come out stronger for it.

DYOLF · Dec 11, 2011

thankful_in_VT said:
DYOLF- I think that instead of debating what we'd do in this situation we should be praying for their marriage. For them to work past this and come out stronger for it.

It would be good to pray but right now I'm not convinced this marriage is valid.
I read your scriptures and they are great.I'm just worried about this foundation and also for Tim.Once I get into a position of agreement I will be able to pray.
Tim got too many surprises and I feel the brother's hurt.He really loved this woman but what can you do with a relationship which lacks trust?I do not believe in divorce either but are these guys really married?

Hadassah_ · Dec 11, 2011

thankful_in_VT said:
DYOLF- I think that instead of debating what we'd do in this situation we should be praying for their marriage. For them to work past this and come out stronger for it.

Definitely.

However, it is a good thing to think about these situations and examine ourselves for how we not only would do in this situation, but what we can do to avoid being put in it. I mean, what can I do to prevent my spouse from feeling like he has to lie?

DYOLF · Dec 11, 2011

Oddish said:
How long did they wait to get married?

For 2 years the guy was resisting temptations

Sketcher · Dec 11, 2011

I know in my head that Tim is wrong to move out of the house, and he would be wrong to divorce her and move on to someone else. Would I have reacted any better? Can't say for sure that I would. Divorce isn't in the cards, but man . . . the lies, the betrayal . . . I don't think I could forgive that.

thankful_in_VT said:
What I was saying is,she repented of the behavior, does it matter?
I remember hearing people apply the term "born again virgin" to those who repented and pledged not to have sex again until marriage.

Edit: I knew I had heard that term before.

Can you become a virgin again? | Teens

Maybe that's what she considered herself to be?

This is precisely why "born again virgin" and "second virginity" are bogus terms that the church would do well to rid itself of. God forgives, yes, but people need to be honest with each other.

She lied about her virginity,he's devasted

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