Sharing Your Spouse.....???

[LovelyWife3]

I am newly married (6 months) and I am wondering how many of you have handled sharing your spouse....? For example my husband works over 50 (6 days a week) hours a week, loves cars which takes up a great deal of his free time, and by the time he gets home then eats and talks to his mom and brother it is midnight. My new work schedule has taken away our one day that we both have off and it is hard. I know it will get easier but how do I cope? Thanks for your words of wisdom

 

[ImaginaryDay]

I am newly married (6 months) and I am wondering how many of you have handled sharing your spouse....? For example my husband works over 50 (6 days a week) hours a week, loves cars which takes up a great deal of his free time, and by the time he gets home then eats and talks to his mom and brother it is midnight. My new work schedule has taken away our one day that we both have off and it is hard. I know it will get easier but how do I cope? Thanks for your words of wisdom

It sounds as if this would be a 'sharing' scenario if that was what was truly going on. But as it is, he still sounds as if he has his values and priorities attached to his single life. Sometimes, making a transition to a new stage in life (in this case, marriage) will take some re-arrangement of values, which also involves input from you. I would suggest that when you and he have some free time together that you both discuss these things. Let him know that your shared experiences are important and are one aspect of your life together that will have meaning for a long time to come. Sometimes we men need to be reminded that we are in a new phase of life and we can't go on operating the same way as we did when single. Relationships need to be re-evaluated and we need to take personal stock of ourselves and our priorities.

 

[seeingeyes]

I am newly married (6 months) and I am wondering how many of you have handled sharing your spouse....? For example my husband works over 50 (6 days a week) hours a week, loves cars which takes up a great deal of his free time, and by the time he gets home then eats and talks to his mom and brother it is midnight. My new work schedule has taken away our one day that we both have off and it is hard. I know it will get easier but how do I cope? Thanks for your words of wisdom

My husband has always worked a lot of hours. That never bothered me. He takes pride in his work, and I'm happy to support that. But when we were kids (when we got married we were 19 and 21 and had a baby), he would get off of work, and drive to his buddy's house for a few beers, and then roll home around 10. I was not cool with that. I tried hinting sweetly, that did nothing. So one day, about 4 months in, I opened the door when he got home, saw his eyeballs swimming in his head, and said "If you want to go drinking at your buddy's, don't bother coming home at night", and I closed the door. Guess what never happened again?

Some years later, with three kids and a lot of busyness, my husband would get home around 7, and I would immediately start talking about all the troubles I had had. I just wanted someone to "vent" to at the end of the day. He eventually got up the nerve (he hates conflict ) to say to me, "I hate it when I get home and all you load me up with everything that went wrong as soon as I walk in the door." Guess what never happened again?

It will get better, but it won't get better automagically. You have to figure out what you want at state it out loud. You have to trust in your love for each other and also be willing to draw a line in the sand. You have to do the work.

What is it that you want? Be specific.

 

[Hahner Reid]

It is a transition---learning to be married.

I would communicate your feelings to him sooner than later. Do it when you're feeling fairly calm and ready to engage some self-control (if it's a situation where he could react with anger).

Learn to communicate NOW. Use this as practice for that.

 

[LovelyWife3]

Thank you everyone for your quick responses it means so much! The advice and sharing of your stories have really been a blessing. Here is part 2 of my question, honestly my real initial question. Mother-in-law challenges are nothing new.... My challenge is my mother-in-law is coming for a visit/vacation (for 6 months, I tried to stress my concern about the lemgth of her stay which has been a huge source of conflict). Overall I have asked my husband what is my role when she comes. She is a widow and older but she can still work and get around (she does not drive or really do anything on her own). She cooks and cleans and takes good care of him which is expected but my fear is where do I fit in or am I still needed? Since my husband works a lot I am the one in charge of her in a way like driving her to different places and she likes to talk (I am an introvert/and after school and work sleep sounds nice). I want to be a blessing to her but I feel guilty for feeling resentful:o Hopefully this makes sense. Has anyone else felt this way??? Thank you!

 

[seeingeyes]

Thank you everyone for your quick responses it means so much! The advice and sharing of your stories have really been a blessing. Here is part 2 of my question, honestly my real initial question. Mother-in-law challenges are nothing new.... My challenge is my mother-in-law is coming for a visit/vacation (for 6 months, I tried to stress my concern about the lemgth of her stay which has been a huge source of conflict). Overall I have asked my husband what is my role when she comes. She is a widow and older but she can still work and get around (she does not drive or really do anything on her own). She cooks and cleans and takes good care of him which is expected but my fear is where do I fit in or am I still needed? Since my husband works a lot I am the one in charge of her in a way like driving her to different places and she likes to talk (I am an introvert/and after school and work sleep sounds nice). I want to be a blessing to her but I feel guilty for feeling resentful:o Hopefully this makes sense. Has anyone else felt this way??? Thank you!

Six months is not a vacation, it's a sub-let. Put it this way: by the time she leaves, she will have lived with you for half your marriage.

Did you agree to this arrangement?

 

[mkgal1]

Does he call his mother and brother each day (even before he's had time to chat with you)?

That was a great question---about what your husband expects your role to be when his mother comes to visit.....how did he answer?

Also.....are you saying your husband isn't hearing your concern over the length of time your MIL is planning on staying?

This article has been my "go to" article on this topic. It's thorough....and I believe it's sensitive to both sides (but still speaks what I believe is truth):

Dealing With In-Laws

 

[Odetta]

Read Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5 and Ephesians 5:31.

Genesis 2:24 -For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

In the Matthew verse, Jesus is quoting this line in reference to someone asking if it is lawful for a man to divorce his wife. In the Ephesians verse Paul is quoting this line in reference to both the relationship between a husband and wife, and the relationship between the Christ and the church.

You need to stand up for yourself and your role as your husband's wife. Maybe there are some cultural mores I'm missing here, but I don't think your MIL should be coming for such a long visit and be given free rein to take over the household. Per these verses, your husband's priority relationship should be with you now, and from your posts, it doesn't seem like he's made that transition yet. With the looming visit of your MIL, you no longer have the luxury of time to let that transition happen more organically.

 

[moerunamida]

I cope, because I don't miss him when he is gone. I revel when he is at work or at his friend's house.

 

[akmom]

It will get better, but it won't get better automagically.

"Automagically." I love it! And I agree. You have to voice your concerns, and be firm about them too. Otherwise he has no reason to abandon his current routine.

My challenge is my mother-in-law is coming for a visit/vacation (for 6 months, I tried to stress my concern about the lemgth of her stay which has been a huge source of conflict).

That's absurd. Tell him you are not comfortable with having a guest for six months. Mention that he is hardly home as it is, so how will he spend time with her? How will he spend time with you alone? If it were me, I'd ask him to put off the visit entirely until you have a routine of your own, where you both spend time with each other each day. For example, ask him to spend an hour "alone" with you each day, and after you've done this for six months, start planning the MIL's visit. If he thinks six months is too long, well then you've made your point! How can six months with you (one hour/day) be too long if six months with his mother visiting is not?

 

[Annessa3]

Lovely- is your MIL coming from another country? Are there cultural notes in your marriage that may not be present in an 'American' marriage?

just curious. And, sweetie, really- what is your role? You're the wife, in charge of your household. MomInLaw does not get to take over your house. You get to decide in what ways you would like her to help, otherwise, she is to rest with her feet up . If you were a guest in her house, then her rules. But she is a *guest* in Your Home. Your rules.

A

 

[ex-pat]

I'd ask if there are cultural issues as well. Most responses seem to indicate that this is too much, but it may be a huge blessing in disguise. Let your m-i-l natter on about what your husband was like as a child, and ask her to teach you to make his favourite foods, ask about holiday traditions he loves, and plan these things with her. It may be grit your teeth time for some of it, and if the constant chatter is stressing you too much, even if it's loving, ask her if she's interested in a class at the local senior centre, or lectures at the library, or free concerts. If she's gone to a class in the afternoon, enjoy your nap!!!!

Also, your husband may find that she expects him to be home early from work, or not spend as much time with his car hobby...in short, that may either annoy him with the demands so her future visits are shorter, or it may get him into the habit of coming home early and doing things with you both...and after six months he may continue that when she's gone.

Also, in general, try to suggest things to do together that have to do with his love of cars. I'll admit to zero interest in cars myself, but I've had fun at antique car museums or car shows. By suggesting you make a day of it somewhere there, you will be getting closer to his hobby and might gain more appreciation for it. Who knows...maybe you'll even end up building a kit car with him some day.

*Also, it's totally fair to suggest a weekend trip to the closest antique car museum and stay at a great B&B and book a wonderful meal or concert in the evening. Just sayin'...it shouldn't be ALL about him.

 

[LovelyWife3]

Thank you everyone for your responses!!! A quick update is my husband cut his work hours so now he works a normal 40-45 hours a week and we get more time together. I do miss some of my quite time ha ha but we can go to dinner at places other than Denny's and Norms (most places that are open late really aren't that good ha). We can plan vacations. The mother in law challenge is still an open wound in a way, but I read somewhere recently that we can't let people have so much control over our lives. I don't want to dread the visit and I am still talking to my husband about it..... Thank you all for your advice. Many blessings : )

 

[JCLover779]

I'd ask if there are cultural issues as well. Most responses seem to indicate that this is too much, but it may be a huge blessing in disguise. Let your m-i-l natter on about what your husband was like as a child, and ask her to teach you to make his favourite foods, ask about holiday traditions he loves, and plan these things with her. It may be grit your teeth time for some of it, and if the constant chatter is stressing you too much, even if it's loving, ask her if she's interested in a class at the local senior centre, or lectures at the library, or free concerts. If she's gone to a class in the afternoon, enjoy your nap!!!!

Also, your husband may find that she expects him to be home early from work, or not spend as much time with his car hobby...in short, that may either annoy him with the demands so her future visits are shorter, or it may get him into the habit of coming home early and doing things with you both...and after six months he may continue that when she's gone.

Also, in general, try to suggest things to do together that have to do with his love of cars. I'll admit to zero interest in cars myself, but I've had fun at antique car museums or car shows. By suggesting you make a day of it somewhere there, you will be getting closer to his hobby and might gain more appreciation for it. Who knows...maybe you'll even end up building a kit car with him some day.

*Also, it's totally fair to suggest a weekend trip to the closest antique car museum and stay at a great B&B and book a wonderful meal or concert in the evening. Just sayin'...it shouldn't be ALL about him.

I really love everything about this post.

 

[.chrys.]

Just curious: Why is it "expected" that the mother-in-law cook, clean and take care of him?

 

[LovelyWife3]

I didn't expect the conversation to go so far but I am thankful for all of the helpful posts. My mother in law is from Sri Lanka which shares some similarity with Indian culture. She cooks and cleans because it gives her something to do and it is a way for her to bless us??? She won't go to a park or class, she could but won't. She does not do anything on her own unless my husband takes her someplace and she may go for a walk during the day. I will usually drop her off at a friends house and other places and pick her up. My prayer is that my husband will be willing to move. Right now we live in a studio apartment with everything in one room and a small bathroom (when my dad came he slept right in front of the fridge which kept him cool ha). I don't want to complain but we don't have heat or cold air. The neighbors have three kids that are kids, they are good kids. When our smoke detector goes off our smoke detector says "Evacuate" ha ha . At the moment he is unwilling to move. We have been here about a year and we could still afford a place that has one room. Having space would make things better but he is not willing to take this step. It seems simple but I know that prayer changes things!!! Thanks everyone for listening and for the conversation!

 

[BigDaddy4]

It will get better, but it won't get better automagically.

Automagically??? lol

 

[Shane R]

My brother-in-law stayed with us for three weeks after we moved into our apartment. I like him but there were days that I wanted to drag him outside and beat him up or choke him out. Our apartment is one bedroom and he slept on a futon we had in the living room. He was here, outside our room, when we conceived the child she is carrying now! The good thing was he contributed to the grocery bill and the phone bill during his extended visit. I dropped him off at the airport on his last day and we parted on good terms.

You must attempt to have positive communication with your MIL. But before that you must solidify your relationship with your husband. There must be a daily time that the two of you share.

 

[Angeldove97]

When my husband comes home from work, he likes to spend time playing computer games- sometimes he will even play with one of our mutual good friends. (I don't like this particular game so I don't play- we do have 1 game that we could play together) I've learned that this is his way of relaxing and "zoning out" after working 8 hours at a physically demanding job. So it doesn't bother me, but should I want to do something with him/want his attention, I'll usually give him a "heads up" and he'll get off the computer after 5-10 minutes. Some evenings he will choose to just do stuff with me and he's happy- but I think what is key is that there's balance: some days he can zone out and some days we'll focus on spending the evening doing something together.

As for the MIL, I would freak out if I had to live with my MIL for 6 months and in a studio apartment- and I get along with my MIL very well. A few weeks ago we had my in-laws over for a mini vacation with us (we live about 13 hours- driving- apart), but they stayed in a hotel since we just have a 1 bedroom apartment (they did sleep over the last night, but we have a good sofa bed in the living room so no big deal). I called my husband out on one particular behavior that I keep noticing- when we're doing stuff he tends to walk with his Mom a lot. I tend to walk slower to notice things, so there he will be way ahead of me with his Mom. CONSTANTLY. It drove me nuts because that's not what he does when it's just the 2 of us- I was hoping we could talk about what we were doing, etc. So I told him what I was noticing and how it made me feel- I know he loves his Mom, but I don't like being left alone either. I noticed he tried to be more aware of it since. (Just the other day, we had a friend over and coming back from lunch he started walking ahead with our friend. I was gathering stuff up out of the car so I was a bit behind and he stopped and waited for me. )

Anyways, while your MIL might be good at cleaning- please remember that it is YOUR house and she is your GUEST. I would keep the cleaning and cooking responsibilities to myself to remind her who's household it is- yours and your husband's. I wouldn't want my husband to rely on his Mom too much while she is visiting.

You also mention that she can go to people's houses during the day- maybe she'd like to have some extended stays at people's houses to give you two some evenings to yourselves as well.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Thank you everyone for your quick responses it means so much! The advice and sharing of your stories have really been a blessing. Here is part 2 of my question, honestly my real initial question. Mother-in-law challenges are nothing new.... My challenge is my mother-in-law is coming for a visit/vacation (for 6 months, I tried to stress my concern about the lemgth of her stay which has been a huge source of conflict). Overall I have asked my husband what is my role when she comes. She is a widow and older but she can still work and get around (she does not drive or really do anything on her own). She cooks and cleans and takes good care of him which is expected but my fear is where do I fit in or am I still needed? Since my husband works a lot I am the one in charge of her in a way like driving her to different places and she likes to talk (I am an introvert/and after school and work sleep sounds nice). I want to be a blessing to her but I feel guilty for feeling resentful:o Hopefully this makes sense. Has anyone else felt this way??? Thank you!

As well as cleaving (to one's spouse), there needs to be leaving (one's parents). Cleaving and leaving go together.