T
Tween
Guest
well, lets see....
i have been a Christian for 11 years and it has been a struggle for me. I had your typical messed up child hood complete with abandonment, sexual molestation, physical abuse, foster homes, runaways, etc...
i have pretty much defied the odds of everything that people in my situation would wind up in. i have a solid job at a Foster Family Agency, i make decent money, i never ran with gangs or did drugs save for a brief, pot filled summer at 14.. and i drank for a while off and on (i didnt drink in a "glass of wine at weddings" sort of way either) and i was always a nice guy when it came to girls.
so, the molestation was what screwed me up, and only recently have i been able to realize the full extant of it. i was exposed to pornography and victimized at a young age (9) and since then i have had a mostly warped sense of sexual behavior since about 17. pornography and plenty of sexual encounters have filled my life off and on since then.
some of this comes from the anger at having several girls string me along and play me throughout my teens until i was 21. i have confided in a few people at my church and recieved prayer to no avail... i can go a few dayswithout porn or sex... but then its just to hard and praying and reading the word only seems to intensify the urges for some reason.
so, frustrated with my church for a multitude of reasons i left a few months ago and slowly desensitized myself to everything to the point where i do not even feel guilt any longer. i became involved in a strictly sexual relationship with a girl i cannot stand to talk to and would not really associate with outside of the fact that she is ready willing and even anxious at any time. i also became involved with a married friend of mine who is in a pretty bad spot in her marriage who is equally obliging.
i have finally done away with the internet porn, cancelled all the memberships and deleted accounts. i have made a concious effort to avoid goping on these sites and leave the pc as soon as i have the thought to go to one. so far so good. i am planning on breaking off both relationships this week (they have gone on for several months..) so thats a good thing as well. i no longer buy or rent movies either.
the issue is that i would be a fool to not expect this to be a fight because everytime ihave asked for prayer and pressed in to break this, asking for complete freedom from the temptaton, it lasts very shortly. i do not know what drug addiction feels like, but if it is anything like this i feel deeply for those who are addicted. after the last 13 years battling these issues and having many false victories, i want to finally be done for good and i am determined to press in.
all in all i am simply asking for prayer, and maybe some insight and encouragement in this. i simply want to be able to let this off my chest somewhere, since anyone i confide in will tell 10 other people about it... gossip is at an extreme level where i live, relationships that are real and trustworthy are difficult to come by. thanks for the patience of those who actually took the time to read this.
i have been a Christian for 11 years and it has been a struggle for me. I had your typical messed up child hood complete with abandonment, sexual molestation, physical abuse, foster homes, runaways, etc...
i have pretty much defied the odds of everything that people in my situation would wind up in. i have a solid job at a Foster Family Agency, i make decent money, i never ran with gangs or did drugs save for a brief, pot filled summer at 14.. and i drank for a while off and on (i didnt drink in a "glass of wine at weddings" sort of way either) and i was always a nice guy when it came to girls.
so, the molestation was what screwed me up, and only recently have i been able to realize the full extant of it. i was exposed to pornography and victimized at a young age (9) and since then i have had a mostly warped sense of sexual behavior since about 17. pornography and plenty of sexual encounters have filled my life off and on since then.
some of this comes from the anger at having several girls string me along and play me throughout my teens until i was 21. i have confided in a few people at my church and recieved prayer to no avail... i can go a few dayswithout porn or sex... but then its just to hard and praying and reading the word only seems to intensify the urges for some reason.
so, frustrated with my church for a multitude of reasons i left a few months ago and slowly desensitized myself to everything to the point where i do not even feel guilt any longer. i became involved in a strictly sexual relationship with a girl i cannot stand to talk to and would not really associate with outside of the fact that she is ready willing and even anxious at any time. i also became involved with a married friend of mine who is in a pretty bad spot in her marriage who is equally obliging.
i have finally done away with the internet porn, cancelled all the memberships and deleted accounts. i have made a concious effort to avoid goping on these sites and leave the pc as soon as i have the thought to go to one. so far so good. i am planning on breaking off both relationships this week (they have gone on for several months..) so thats a good thing as well. i no longer buy or rent movies either.
the issue is that i would be a fool to not expect this to be a fight because everytime ihave asked for prayer and pressed in to break this, asking for complete freedom from the temptaton, it lasts very shortly. i do not know what drug addiction feels like, but if it is anything like this i feel deeply for those who are addicted. after the last 13 years battling these issues and having many false victories, i want to finally be done for good and i am determined to press in.
all in all i am simply asking for prayer, and maybe some insight and encouragement in this. i simply want to be able to let this off my chest somewhere, since anyone i confide in will tell 10 other people about it... gossip is at an extreme level where i live, relationships that are real and trustworthy are difficult to come by. thanks for the patience of those who actually took the time to read this.
