sexual relations & engagement

[LauraLu]

I am engaged. My fiance and I dated for about a year and our wedding date is this July. We are in a difficult situation and I would like some input and biblical references. We have been sexually active for most of our relationship. I know that the bible advises against sex before marriage, but I haven't really felt convicted about it until recently. I told him that I would like to stop until our wedding day. He is certainly not trying to pressure me into doing anything that I don't want to do, but he doesn't feel the same way that I do about it. He feels that because we have known in our hearts for so long that we are meant for each other, have committed to each other, and have already been sexually active, that we are already married in God's eyes (1 Corinthians 6:16). He is pretty sure of his belief and more than likely isn't going to budge about it.
After looking into it, I am not sure what to believe about our current situation. I know that the bible warns in places about sexual immorality, which sex before marriage is considered to be (albeit ambiguously). I do understand why it can be dangerous to have sexual relations before marriage. However, now that we have, and we are going to be married by law soon, should we stop? If we have already committed to each other and asked for God's blessing to become engaged, does he still frown upon it? We have already become one in flesh, and we have never used sex as a crutch or for what felt like the wrong reasons. We have stopped for weeks and even months at a time before due to other circumstances, and our relationship remained unchanged and strong during those times.
I am not trying to make excuses or come up with reasons for one way or another. I just want to know what God wants us to do, and how he wants us to deal with it if we end up with differing viewpoints. Of course, I will continue to pray and meditate about it so that He reveals it to me, but I would also like some counsel from some fellow Christians! Of course we are not having sex while figuring this out (actually it is an LDR so it may be a while before we see each other anyway). He has blessed my fiance and I with an amazing ability to compromise in most situations- unfortunately, that doesn't really work here!

Thanks in advance~

 

[sootylashes]

Hie LauraLu,

I've been in a similar situation to yours. My ex-fiance and I were engaged for several months and we were not sexually active, but there were times when we were close to having sex. He was also of the view that since we were meant for each other and committed to one another, we were married in God's eyes. Obviously that isn't the truth for us because we have broken up and are NOT getting married. I'm so glad that we didn't have sex because if we had, it would have been tough for me to break up with him quite cleanly. I'm not saying that this is what will happen to you and your fiance. But back then I believed, and I STILL believe, that pre-marital sex is not good, whether or not a couple has committed to each other. You just cannot tell what will happen before the wedding. In my case, I really and honestly thought I would get married to my ex-fiance because we loved each other very much, but due to some circumstances on his part, we had to break up.

Since you've already been having sex with your fiance, I cannot condemn you for what you're doing, but I do recommend abstaining from sex from now onwards until after your wedding. We all know that if you ask God sincerely for His forgiveness, He will forgive, and He will wash your sins away. But don't go back to what you have already done. That's what I would recommend. At the end of the day, though, I am not you and I cannot tell you what to do.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I always find it amusing when people talk themselves into the whole being "married in God's eyes" excuse (usually used in a sexual setting) when they couldn't be more incorrect. The bottom line is that you're not married in the eyes of God or in the eyes of the State until it's on paper. There is absolutely no accountability or finalization in your relationship until that step is taken. For all you know, and it's happened more times than I care to think about, your relationship could end tomorrow for one reason or another and that will be that, where as in marriage, there is much more obligation.

Going by your mindset, many people have been married several times because they "became one flesh" with several people whom were in the same position you're in thinking "this is the person God has for me to spend my life with" type thought process, only to see the relationship go down in fiery demise.

And in all honesty, if you look at the other thousand threads on the topic, you'll find that of course he doesn't feel the same way about it. Most people feel quite cheated when one or the other says "we need to stop having sex" and usually ends pretty badly. I'm sure some work out in the long run, but more often than not, either the person who made the decision goes back on it, or the pressure that the other said they wouldn't do starts to happen.

Good luck.

 

[LauraLu]

Sorry- didn't realize this topic wasn't allowed on this forum.

 

[highlife]

I always find it amusing when people talk themselves into the whole being "married in God's eyes" excuse (usually used in a sexual setting) when they couldn't be more incorrect. The bottom line is that you're not married in the eyes of God or in the eyes of the State until it's on paper. There is absolutely no accountability or finalization in your relationship until that step is taken. For all you know, and it's happened more times than I care to think about, your relationship could end tomorrow for one reason or another and that will be that, where as in marriage, there is much more obligation.

Going by your mindset, many people have been married several times because they "became one flesh" with several people whom were in the same position you're in thinking "this is the person God has for me to spend my life with" type thought process, only to see the relationship go down in fiery demise.

And in all honesty, if you look at the other thousand threads on the topic, you'll find that of course he doesn't feel the same way about it. Most people feel quite cheated when one or the other says "we need to stop having sex" and usually ends pretty badly. I'm sure some work out in the long run, but more often than not, either the person who made the decision goes back on it, or the pressure that the other said they wouldn't do starts to happen.

Good luck.

Problem is the bolded part you cant back up with scripture. Marriages end just as often as relationships. A break up in a relationship where you consider yourself to be married would be the same as a divorce without getting the state involved. Anytime you get the gov involved everything becomes convoluted and can create head aches, people are usually MUCH more negatively effected by a state divorce than a relationship break up. It all boils down to where your heart is, are you taking advantage of someone or if its a lagit relationship.

 

[Windmill]

Though I'm not going to mention any Bible verses, I would like to note that you should expect respect for your feelings on this issue. It isn't OK to feel pressured into having sex sex is a private, personal matter. If you start to feel pressured be sure to stand up for yourself and let him know it is not OK

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Problem is the bolded part you cant back up with scripture.

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.”

Our law states a person is not married in this country until they have the paperwork to back it up. Nuff said.

 

[Johnnz]

Our law states a person is not married in this country until they have the paperwork to back it up. Nuff said.

True, but does that imply God doesn't either?

John
NZ

 

[highlife]

I dont believe that the "following the laws of the land" scripture is in reference to a gov issued piece of paper, I believe it was more in reference to keeping the peace. There are all kinds of laws of the land but yet the marriage licence seems to get applied to this scripture the most even though getting a marriage licence is not a "law to follow" per say, like say speeding is yet is not in the bible. No one is going to get arrested if you live together and dont have a piece of paper, all that piece of paper does is notify the gov that you are married for tax and statistical purposes. Alot of christians treat that piece of paper as boarder line idol worship.

 

[highlife]

Our law states a person is not married in this country until they have the paperwork to back it up. Nuff said.

Most states have common law marriage. Just sayin.

Might want to work on not comming off as so condesneding just because people disagree with you.

 

[Youbrace]

Once you have sex you are one flesh. In gods eyes you now are one flesh or "married". Your boyfriend can not put you off or break up with you and if he does he makes you commit adultery with or without that paper. Same exactly as being married with the paper. You are now one flesh. This is how I see it from reading the bible. I dont know where everyone else thinks its not this way. If it isnt please provide scripture.

God bless you both and have a long and happy marriage!

 

[Youbrace]

Quote: I always find it amusing when people talk themselves into the whole being "married in God's eyes" excuse (usually used in a sexual setting) when they couldn't be more incorrect. The bottom line is that you're not married in the eyes of God or in the eyes of the State until it's on paper. There is absolutely no accountability or finalization in your relationship until that step is taken. For all you know, and it's happened more times than I care to think about, your relationship could end tomorrow for one reason or another and that will be that, where as in marriage, there is much more obligation.

ummm... (Sex makes the relationship final) Youbrace comment

Going by your mindset, many people have been married several times because they "became one flesh" with several people whom were in the same position you're in thinking "this is the person God has for me to spend my life with" type thought process, only to see the relationship go down in fiery demise.

(and all those people have committed adultery numerous times)

And in all honesty, if you look at the other thousand threads on the topic, you'll find that of course he doesn't feel the same way about it. Most people feel quite cheated when one or the other says "we need to stop having sex" and usually ends pretty badly. I'm sure some work out in the long run, but more often than not, either the person who made the decision goes back on it, or the pressure that the other said they wouldn't do starts to happen.

(why so harsh?)

 

[The Nihilist]

Youbrace, how many of y'all are in there?

 

[Youbrace]

I was quoting an earlier post written on the 1st page with my second post, sorry. The quote marks disappeared. First is mine, second is mine only in the ( ) marks. Peace .

 

[The Nihilist]

I was quoting an earlier post written on the 1st page with my second post, sorry. The quote marks disappeared. First is mine, second is mine only in the ( ) marks. Peace .

Oh, good. I was worried that you were insane. No offense
That being said, I don't think you're right. Paul instructs y'all to obey the law.

Consider this example: a dude and a lady get busy without getting married. Then they die. Was their sex pure because they were married in the eyes of God, or was it sinful because their sex was premarital?

 

[Youbrace]

Oh, good. I was worried that you were insane. No offense
That being said, I don't think you're right. Paul instructs y'all to obey the law.

Consider this example: a dude and a lady get busy without getting married. Then they die. Was their sex pure because they were married in the eyes of God, or was it sinful because their sex was premarital?

Hi friend!

That depends on what is in their heart, evil or pure? If there were two people left on earth and no one to give them a piece of paper saying they were married, were they married after having sex? Yes! Sex = marriage in gods eyes. Two become one flesh. They are one flesh after sex. As long as you have the right intentions in your heart. If you have the wrong intentions you can repent and be washed clean by grace.

 

[highlife]

Oh, good. I was worried that you were insane. No offense
That being said, I don't think you're right. Paul instructs y'all to obey the law.

Consider this example: a dude and a lady get busy without getting married. Then they die. Was their sex pure because they were married in the eyes of God, or was it sinful because their sex was premarital?

Ah the "laws of the land" montra never ceases. People will never cease to nitpick scripture to try to control others. When refering to "laws of the land" it is refering to speeding, stealing, etc. There is no law stating you have to get a marriage licence, you are not breaking any laws by living with someone without that piece of paper.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Might want to work on not comming off as so condesneding just because people disagree with you.

Might wanna look in the mirror there, mate.

 

[highlife]

Might wanna look in the mirror there, mate.

Good call .... and its a 2 way mirror and through it I see your handle on my ignore list. You could have taken that constructivly seeing as your not the ultimate authority on someone elses christian walk and biblical inturpretation, but instead you decided to just add more condesention.

 

[Mayzoo]

Ah the "laws of the land" montra never ceases. People will never cease to nitpick scripture to try to control others. When refering to "laws of the land" it is refering to speeding, stealing, etc. There is no law stating you have to get a marriage licence, you are not breaking any laws by living with someone without that piece of paper.

It is not illegal to live together. Living together is not viewed as a marriage by legal authorities. Common law marriages are rarer now than 30 years ago. Only roughly 20% of states currently are accepting new common law marriages (see below). In my state, you must live together for six years, have provable blended finances for that six years, AND introduce each other as husband and wife for that six years in order to qualify as married at the end of the six years in the eyes of legal authorities (last I checked). Attempting to obtain legal rights as a married couple, without the marriage license or the common law marriage is fraud. Hence you are not married in the eyes of the government until you have "that paper" or meet the criteria for common law--you are merely living together. To try to present yourself as married when you are not is where the legal ramifications with our government come in.

States Permitting Common Law Marriage

• Alabama
• Colorado
• District of Columbia
• Iowa
• Kansas
• Montana
• Oklahoma
• Rhode Island
• South Carolina
• Texas
• Utah

http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/common_law.html