Sexual Frustration

[SFBUK]

I wondered how other 'mature' singles dealt with this problem. I have been a Christian now for about 3 years, but before that was sexually active. On the whole things are usually OK, and I am able to control myself, but I have found recently that I have been getting sexual urges and sexual dreams. Perhaps Satan can only 'get to me' when I am asleep

Seriously though, it is a major problem, and has caused me some quite depressing times over Christmas and New Year, in a way compounding the feelings of loneliness. I have a very full life in every other way, and have many good friends. There are times though when I miss the intimacy of a physical relationship, and if I'm totally honest the physical pleasure of sex.

SFB

 

[covenantwmn]

I wondered how other 'mature' singles dealt with this problem. I have been a Christian now for about 3 years, but before that was sexually active. On the whole things are usually OK, and I am able to control myself, but I have found recently that I have been getting sexual urges and sexual dreams. Perhaps Satan can only 'get to me' when I am asleep

Seriously though, it is a major problem, and has caused me some quite depressing times over Christmas and New Year, in a way compounding the feelings of loneliness. I have a very full life in every other way, and have many good friends. There are times though when I miss the intimacy of a physical relationship, and if I'm totally honest the physical pleasure of sex.

SFB

Ditto. Most of the time i'm fine, but then there are those "other" times. God bless.

 

[Craft]

I wondered how other 'mature' singles dealt with this problem. I have been a Christian now for about 3 years, but before that was sexually active. On the whole things are usually OK, and I am able to control myself, but I have found recently that I have been getting sexual urges and sexual dreams. Perhaps Satan can only 'get to me' when I am asleep

Seriously though, it is a major problem, and has caused me some quite depressing times over Christmas and New Year, in a way compounding the feelings of loneliness. I have a very full life in every other way, and have many good friends. There are times though when I miss the intimacy of a physical relationship, and if I'm totally honest the physical pleasure of sex.

SFB

Satan has nothing to do with it, it just means that you are a normal, healthy person. Try not to get the works of Satan mixed up with the workings of your body.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

I think I probably eat when "the urges" hit me which probably explains this extra 20 lbs. I just pray that God takes this away from me until I need them (when I'm married) because right now, its more frustration than anything else.

 

[mwb]

We've all been there. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Same here. I just know it's for my own good to remain celibate until married again. I'm hoping it's God's will for me to marry soon.

 

[Johnnz]

You have to live a long time before those sexual urges aren't there. Just be realistic. If you are poor you don't drive a new car, or eat at fashionable restaurants. If you are single and a comitted christian you won't be getting intimate sex. That's something to live with.
Some times it's not comfortable. Sometimes you yearn for closeness and intimacy. Sometimes you just want pleasurable sex. That's fine, but not always easy to live with.

John
NZ

 

[CurlyLocks]

Gosh...

You are normal.... your body is normal....

There is something to be said for:

Song of Solomon 3:5
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

I have heard many times that once you wake up that part of your body.... than sex turns into a need for your body....

So... when we commit ourselves to Christ... we seriously have to die to ourselves in more ways than one....

There is no quick fix.... all we can do is throw ourselves into Christ.... He's bigger than anything we could ever struggle with....

;o)

 

[proverbs3113woman]

I hear ya, I feel for ya, I'm there with ya! I've been alone since my separation almost 3 years ago...and it isn't easy. I know about those 'other' times, when yyou think you just can't handle it anymore. I wish I didn't know what I was missing at this point!

I also wish I had some advice or words that would make it easier, but I don't. I can only empathize and encourage you to stay true to God's Word...

Be grateful for having the otherwise full life... it gives you something more to focus on than aloneness and loneliness!

 

[lunalinda]

I can never imagine the hardships of resisting sexual urges when you've already experienced them. Here I'd always think I'M having struggles. But I think others who have experience something so great and yet, resist to experience the greatness until the right time deserve far more credit. I can't ever think being a virgin is much harder (which is how I used to think); I personally think that's not as a big a battle as being a nonvirgin resisting the urge. I'm not saying I want to be in the same position, but...it just makes me love God even more, for How we works through OTHER people. Just knowing what He causes people to give up for His sake. It's awesome. I'm always very impressed with what God does through people, what He causes them to do in response to Him, namely in regards to past situations or mistakes, like sex. So though it may be hard and you may find moments of weakness, moments of missing what you had, you're still perfect in God's eyes, perfect in being a vessel to express just how mighty He is to people like me, and just how much you can overcome when you've got Him and his mightiness on your side. Hopefully this made sense. I realize it's a bit of a ramble heh.

 

[christlike77]

I am also dealing with this same issue, and I notice it only happens around my menstral time. What I do is I go to the gym, put my gospel cd's in my cd player and work out for a few hours and this seems to help me out alot. You be encouraged. God bless

 

[he4rty]

over here in the uk they done a tv program were some guys who had lost there way went to live in a monastery. And they raised this question with one of the monks"when do you stop getting sexaul urges". his reply when the last nail is hammered into my coffin.

so take heart you`re not alone on this,just pray to God for control of your emotions.

 

[enelya_taralom]

I don't know if this will be helpful for you or not, but may I suggest perhaps looking into the Theology of the Body study? For me personally, delving into this study and getting more in depth knowledge, and insight into the church's teachings on sex and the reasons for has been life-changing!! I always knew that the church had rules for sex because it is good, and not not because it's bad, but wow!! I have grown so much in my respect for it, my body and God's design.

I dunno, www.theologyofthebody.com might be a good place to start. There are also some study notes from the DVDs talks in my blog. Which has consequntly made me more commited to chasity, not because of the rules, but because it's what I have come to desire. I have come to resect it too much to even want to abuse it. Course, the temptation is still there, but by the grace of God and His revelation/truth in this study, my love and desire for the chasity God has placed me in right now has thus far made me stronger in overcoming it (because again, I don't want it).

You're in my prayers!! Stay strong, and focused on God

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I don't know if this will be helpful for you or not, but may I suggest perhaps looking into the Theology of the Body study? For me personally, delving into this study and getting more in depth knowledge, and insight into the church's teachings on sex and the reasons for has been life-changing!! I always knew that the church had rules for sex because it is good, and not not because it's bad, but wow!! I have grown so much in my respect for it, my body and God's design.

I dunno, www.theologyofthebody.com might be a good place to start. There are also some study notes from the DVDs talks in my blog. Which has consequntly made me more commited to chasity, not because of the rules, but because it's what I have come to desire. I have come to resect it too much to even want to abuse it. Course, the temptation is still there, but by the grace of God and His revelation/truth in this study, my love and desire for the chasity God has placed me in right now has thus far made me stronger in overcoming it (because again, I don't want it).

You're in my prayers!! Stay strong, and focused on God

Medical science has determined that people who have normal, regular sex :

1. Live much longer lives

2. Age at a reduced frequency with respect to disintegration of vitality

3. Are generally less prone to lifestyle related illnesses like stress and obesity.

4. Are generally happier and more vibrant individauls.

People in studies who belonged to this group showed increased stress and in some cases weight gain, loss of vitality, and were less happy when denying themselves access to their partners for the purpose of the study. Sex is a good thing. I've had life with sex and life without and I'd take life with it regardless because I feel better as a person when I am having it.

 

[enelya_taralom]

Medical science has determined that people who have normal, regular sex :

1. Live much longer lives

2. Age at a reduced frequency with respect to disintegration of vitality

3. Are generally less prone to lifestyle related illnesses like stress and obesity.

4. Are generally happier and more vibrant individauls.

People in studies who belonged to this group showed increased stress and in some cases weight gain, loss of vitality, and were less happy when denying themselves access to their partners for the purpose of the study. Sex is a good thing. I've had life with sex and life without and I'd take life with it regardless because I feel better as a person when I am having it.

That's interesting thanks! But the thing to ask, as a Christian, is does the end justify the means? Is it okay for an umarried to be sexually active for their own enjoyment when they know it goes against God's divine design and law for sex? As Christians we should be wanting to please God even above and beyong ourselves....

Besides, the study I mentioned (Theology of the Body) in no way says that sex is bad. In fact, it says it's very good. So good that we need a reformation against all the abuses it suffers in our world today....

 

[Deliberatetourist]

That's interesting thanks! But the thing to ask, as a Christian, is does the end justify the means? Is it okay for an umarried to be sexually active for their own enjoyment when they know it goes against God's divine design and law for sex? As Christians we should be wanting to please God even above and beyong ourselves....

Besides, the study I mentioned (Theology of the Body) in no way says that sex is bad. In fact, it says it's very good. So good that we need a reformation against all the abuses it suffers in our world today....

I think the abuse it suffers today is largely of our own contrivence. The rampant sexuality that we observe, I believe, can be traced to the erosion of certain social mores, which in my opionion signals the decline and emminent implosion of our culture as a whole. Take for instance pornography. First off, there is no such thing as "pornography addiction". Pornography is not addictive. Addicitive as such is a loaded word and merely passes the buck on responsibility without recognizing the true causes. If pornography were addictive then once the pornography stimuli were removed the "addict" would suffer physiological disease and impairment in the form of withdrawl symptoms as exemplified by narcotics addicts and alchohaulics. Studies have shown that men who reported sexual satisfaction in their lives were least likely to view pornography. Men who were married or in a relationship but reported not having sexual satisfaction were much more likely to view pornography, and single men with no sexual avenues were the most likely to view it. Also men who reported having increased sexual satisfaction showed a marked decrease at the frequency at which they viewed pornography. With the scandal in the Catholic church of priests involved in child molestation there are currently studies being conducted to determine if excessive deprivation or repression of sexual urges leads to sexual deviancy. Those studies are in their early stages so no conclusive data yet exists. I have argued on another thread - Is it true?,that I think ample evidence exists that suggests that humans are marrying too late in life. I will not reiterate what I have said on that thread but the ages of peak fertility in females and the sexual peak of males seems to suggest that younger ages are more viable for copulation when looked at from a purely biological perspective. In short with respect to the Church, I think that we have lots of young men who are bilogically "sexed up" but have no avenues for release due to the fact that social forces have caused women to seek socially acceptable avenues of career development in place of traditional family oriented venues. Both groups I believe delay marriage based on purely economic factors. These oversexed, undersupplied men are turning to what they consider the next best thing - pornography and well........no elaboration needed. Goofed up gender roles within existing marriages are taking their toll as evidenced by the shyrocketing divorce rates among Christians and the burgeoning number of marriages whose men are turning to pornography, it would appear due to lack of sexual satisfaction (see previous data). Feminism is a purely antichrist doctrine that has sadly been embraced by the whole of American culture including the church. It didn't start with women's sufferage rathrer feminism can be traced back to when the Holy Roman Catholic church embraced pagan doctines and elevated the Virgin Mary to equal status as Christ himself. We are told in the Bible that "Man is head of the household just as Christ is head of the Church." However due to the lies of femminist mafiosos and their widespread acceptence even Christian women now vie for equal status in the marriage. This is simply rebellion and a prideful effort to regain what Eve originally lost in the Garden(before the fall Adam and Eve were equal peers). Feminism in it's modern context is solely about man-hating and masks itself in the politically correct shadows of catchphrases as "female empowerment". Just visit any women's studies faculties at colleges and universtities - those places are hotbeds of anti-male propaganda and homosexuality. Mens' responsibility in all this is not taking their God given authority as head of the household and governing the family in a Christ-like manner. Women falter through rebellion while men through apathy and laziness. At the bottom of everything is greed as "...the love of money is the root of all evil." Anyway thas my take on it.

 

[enelya_taralom]

While some of it seemed a bit off-topic and inappropriate, your post was very interesting, so thanks for sharing it

I agree with you, when you say "the abuse [sex] suffers today is largely of our own contrivence. The rampant sexuality that we observe, I believe, can be traced to the erosion of certain social mores, which in my opionion signals the decline and emminent implosion of our culture as a whole". I think that this can be seen and traced all the way back to the fall. However, either way you slice it, a sexual reformation is still needed.

Sexual abuses occur, whether it be from a celibate or non (Priests, Pastors, school teachers, parents, indivduals, teenagers etc have all been charged with sexual abuse) and prolcaiming that we "can't" or "would rather" not live life without it, makes us subject to it, and is apart of the problem.

We have to learn to master our temptations (regardless of what science might say about the physical benefits of promiscuity), and not seek mere outlets.

Outlets will take care of the desire, for now, but then what? We experience the desire again, and get trapped in this repeative cycle where we are constantly having to seek outlets that only provide temporary, and most likely, short-lived "satisfaction". Additionally, I hardly see how a young, unmarried, celibate person does not have an outlet.

A celibate, single person has the ability to go for a run, excerise, and not give into temptation, as does a married person whose spouse may not want to have sex when they do. Whether we're married or not, we can't use people and our gift of sexual intimacy as a way to satisfy ourselves, our desires and as a mere, selfish outlet. If we do, then we're still abusing and using the gift of another's body, and treating them as a mere object for our satisfaction. People simply can't be used as an outlet, regardless of which situation we may be in.

Again, ultimately, we have to learn to master our temptations and desires (freedom from the rules, not through disobedience or reluctant / supressive submission- both which would still be slavery and legalism to the rules, but through a genuine desire to not break them / liberation from them- see Galatians 5). Not just in regard to celibacy, but also so that sex, when experienced within the confines of God's plan and design, is the beautiful expression and gift of self-giving love that God designed it to be.

I've said it before, and I'll never tire of it... Theology of the Body is an AMAZING study that has provided me with so much! It has really helped me, and I definitley think the OP, or ANYONE, wrestling with sexual temptation will benefit from taking a look at this study (even if they don't agree with every single point).

You idenified some very valid issues as to why sexual abuses occur (pornography, feminism), but now the questions are, now what? And how did we get there in the first place ie: what is the root of it all? This is another reason why I highly recommend Theology of the Body.

I think looking at studies that examine our sexuality from a Biblical perspective may be more productive than pointing fingers, and throwing around scientific studies that speak of the physical benefits of sex (which again, while great gifts, are still selfish reasons for engaging in sexual activity- using another's body for our own health and physical benefit), especially when celibacy is also a perfectly valid way of life (see Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7) and I doubt such statistics would be beneficial to someone who has asked for help and advice in dealing with their sexual temptations and wrestle.

Anyhoo....

Thanks for the discussion God Bless!!

 

[Deliberatetourist]

A celibate, single person has the ability to go for a run, excerise, and not give into temptation, as does a married person whose spouse may not want to have sex when they do. Whether we're married or not, we can't use people and our gift of sexual intimacy as a way to satisfy ourselves, our desires and as a mere, selfish outlet.

Exercise is really not a substitute for sex. Recent studies also suggest that a session of intercourse is as effective at relieving stress as the most poweful anti-stress drugs on the market. As evidenced at times of national stress such as September 11, 2001, First Gulf War, etc... Populational statisticians record dynamic increases in birth rates. Conversely exercise is a stress reducer of sorts but you dont see legions of people losing weight and beefing up at these afforementioned times. I never suggested that sex be used in a selfish manner. I also dont think that seeking a potential mate out in part for these reasons is wrong so long as its done in a morally acceptable manner. I believe that we as humans have jacked things up once again. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever - its man that messes with things. Celibacy is not a perfectly valid way of life for everyone. If you will re-read that passage in Corinthians Paul provided a disclaimer in saying that not all people could be the way he was. Paul had a gift. I have maybe met one person in my life that was similar. And you must look at Paul's comments in context. This was the first century AD. Ministers for Christ were usually away from home for months, if not years at a time. And they and their families were always subject to grueling torture at the hands of the repressive Roman Empire for their beliefs. So taking that into consideration I would say that yes, from Pauls perspective it would have been better in many respects to remain single. And as far as abusing another's body through sex? Sex is a mutually beneficail thing because that is the way it was designed. Its not about one person taking its about both people returning the emotions to each other. Anyway before I get really touchy feely I'll stop.

 

[enelya_taralom]

Celibacy is not a perfectly valid way of life.

Ahhh... but it is, for those He calls to have the gift (whether temporarily while outside of marriage, or permantely as a vocation)

"I wish all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that" (in other words, some, but not all, will have the gift I do)
1 Corinthians 7, NIV Student Edition​

"For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the Kingdom of Heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Matthew 19:12, NIV Student Edition​

Theology of the Body: Talk 4: The Heavenly Marriage and the Joy of Christian Celibacy


from Created and Redemeed (Study Guide)


Cycle 3: Our Destiny


1. Christ Points us to the Future

"For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are
given in marriage" (Mt. 22:30)​

• Marriage exists only as a sign that's meant to point us to Heaven, to the "Marriage of the Lamb" (Rev 19:7).​
• In the resurrection, the sacrament will give way to the divine reality.​
• This means the union of the sexes is not man's end-all-and-be-all. It's only an "icon."​
• When we loose sight of our destiny, the icon inevitabley becomes an idol.​

1a. Marriage and procreation did not determine definitively the fundamental meaning of our creation as male and female. Marriage and procreation merely give a concrete expression to that meaning within history (see TB, 247).​

2. The Beatific Vision​

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face" (1 Co 13:12).​

• The beatific vision was foreshadowed (dimly, of course) right from the beginning in the union of man and woman.​
• In the beatific vision, God will give Himself totally to man, and we will respond with the total gift of ourselves to Him.​

2a. In "the resurrection we discover- in an [eternal] dimension- the same... nuptial meaning of the body... in the meeting with the mystery of the living God... face to face" (TB, 243).​

2b. The beatific vision is "a concentration of knowledge and love on God Himself." This knowledge "cannot be other than full participation in the interior life of God, that is, in the very trinitarian reality" (TB, 244).​

2c. This "will be a completely new experience." Yet "at the same time it will not be alienated in any way from what man took part in from 'the beginning' nor from what, in the historical dimension [concerned] the procreative meaning of the body and sex" (TB, 248).​

2d. "In the joys of their love [God gives spouses] here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb" (CCC, n.1642)​

2e. The Church "longs to be united with Christ, her Bridegroom, in the glory of Heaven" where she "will rejoice one day with [her] Beloved, in a happiness and rapture that can never end" (CCC, n.1821).​

Cycle 4: Christian Celibacy​

4. Eunuchs "for the Kingdom"​

Some "have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven" (Mt 19:12)​

• A eunuch is someone physically incapable of sexual relations.​
• A eunuch "for the Kingdom" is someone who freely forgoes sexual relations in order to devote all of his energies and desires to the union that alone can satisfy.​
• Those who are celibate for the Kingdom "skip" the sacrament in anticipation of the ultimate reality, the "Marriage of the Lamb."​
• In this way they boldly proclaim that "the kingdom of God is here."​

4a. Christ's words "clearly indicate the importance of the personal choice and also the... particular grace" of this vocation (TB, 263).​

4b. In the Latin Church, priests "are normally chosen from among men of faith who live a celibate life and who intend to remain celibate 'for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven'" (CCC, n.1579)​

5. Christian Celibacy Flows from the Redemption of Sexuality​

Without understaning the call to redemption, we inevitably look at marriage as a legitimate "outlet" for lust and at celibacy as hopelessly repressive.​

• Christ calls everyone to experience "liberation from lust" through the redemption of the body.​
• Only through this liberation do the Christian vocations (celibacy and marriage) make sense.​
• Without this liberation, choosing celibacy for one's entire life is absurd. With it, not only does it become possible; it becomes quite attractive.​

5a. "Adultery in the heart is committed not only because man 'looks' in this way at a woman who is not his wife... Even if he looked in this way at his wife, he could likewise commit adultery 'in his heart'" (TB, 275)​

5b. The celibate must submit "the sinfulness of his [fallen] nature to the forces that spring from the mystery of the redemption of the body... just as any other man does" (TB, 275).​

6. Christian Celibacy Expresses the Nuptial Meaning of the Body​

We can't escape the nuptial meaning of our bodies without doing violence to our humanity.​

• Celibacy is not a rejection of sexuality, but a living out of the deepest meaning of sexuality- union with Christ and His Church (see. Eph 5:31-22).​
• Every man is called in some way to be both a husband and father.​
• Every woman is called in some way to be both a wife and a mother.​

6a. On "the basis of the same nuptial meaning of [the] body... there can be formed the love that commits man to marriage for the whole duration of his life, but there can be formed also the love that commits man to a life of contience "for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven'" (TB, 284). Celibacy for the Kingdom "has acquired the significance of an act of nutpial love" (TB, 282).​

6b. The celibate person "has the knowledge of being able... to fulfill himself 'differently' and, in a certain way, 'more' than through matrimony, becoming a 'true gift to others'" (TB, 274).​

For more see:​

Sex, Heaven, and Priestly Celibacy: A Response to Steven and Cokie Roberts​

Celibacy for the Kingdom & the Fulfillment of Human Sexuality: Article 8

www.theologyofthebody.com or my blog

But anyway....​

SFBUK, sorry for the derailment of your thread! Hope you're doing okay! You're in my prayers ​

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Ahhh... but it is, for those He calls to have the gift (whether temporarily while outside of marriage, or permantely as a vocation)

"I wish all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that" (in other words, some, but not all, will have the gift I do)
1 Corinthians 7, NIV Student Edition​

"For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the Kingdom of Heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Matthew 19:12, NIV Student Edition​

But those people who have the gift of cellibacy are not the issue here. People who have this "gift" are not absorbed in pornographic voyeurism or rampant promiscuity. You are championing the exceptions, which in itself is a falacy. There is nothing wrong with alluding to an exceptional behavior as a "gold standard" where waranted so long as you realize that standard will not be a feasible alternative for the populational mean. You asked the question "what do we do now?" And I simply do not have that answer. Our situation is a complex one. I for one think that when you look at the data, our lifestyles which have made it more difficult to marry and often discourage marriage (sadly the church too has accepted this) that we are creating this monstrous dilemna. There are no easy answers and it's certainly not telling a group of singles that they should just be celibate and go running.