Sexual Compatability

[K9_Trainer]

Alright, somebody needs to explain this to me. Feel free to PM if you have details you don't mind sharing with me but do mind sharing with the entire cyber world.

I keep seeing it being mentioned, some say it's a load of bologna and there's no such thing, any guy can have sex with any girl as long as they have functioning parts. Others seem to think there's more too it than that and say it's an important part of a relationship and being incompatible sexually can be a serious problem in a relationship.

So what's the deal?

 

[katautumn]

Please understand that this is coming from a non-christian here. While I don't believe that sex is everything in a marriage, it is a very important aspect in marriage. Barring unforeseen medical complications or a debilitating injury (or the typical changes that occur when people grow older in years), it's unlikely that two people will change drastically in terms of their sexual preferences. 1 penis + 1 vagina does not = sexual compatibility.

I explained in the thread about fornication why there are situations outside of sex drive that can make people sexually incompatible. One would be body shape/size. Sex drive is also an important aspect.

I was with a man who had remained a virgin until he was thirty-six years of age. He was a devout Christian and he said he wanted sex to be with the woman he spent the rest of his life with. Suffice it to say he treated sex with me as if it were a dirty chore. My first husband had been the only man I had been with sexually, and he abused me. I was raped on a daily basis. Then along comes this man who seemed so honest and good-hearted and he made me feel just as dirty about sex as my ex did, only in a different way. Then I got pregnant and we stayed together for the baby. It was awful. Once I got pregnant, he said having sex with me was "gross". I made suggestions. I tried to initiate different things. I tried to boost his ego. Nothing worked. Sex was still a dirty chore that was designed by God for men to be sexually satisfied and that was it. And once I got pregnant, I had done my "duty". I think we may have had sex a total of three times my entire pregnancy, and it was terrible. We stayed together until my son was three months old and he left. This great, pure, "Christian" man left and I never heard from him again, nor would I care to.

With my husband it is different. After the relationship with my son's father ended, I had a two-year period of sexual promiscuity. Let me just say that lifestyle is pure bondage. It is not liberating, nor exciting. It is terrible and I'm glad I was able to break free from that without any lifelong physical consequences. With that said, I did not wait until marriage before having sex with my current husband. I did, however, wait until after we'd been dating over a year and we'd made a commitment to be together forever. He is the only man I've ever been with who puts my pleasure before his own. He is the only man who has ever truly been intimate with me. We are truly sexually compatible. I can't explain it in words. You just know when you are, but it's important to know that you are.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Oh wow, I'm sorry you've been treated that way, that must have been horrible!

Also, your input is just as valid as a Christians IMO.

So it's the preferences and views on manner/style in which the act is performed that need to match to achieve sexual compatibility?

 

[katautumn]

Oh wow, I'm sorry you've been treated that way, that must have been horrible!

Also, your input is just as valid as a Christians IMO.

So it's the preferences and views on manner/style in which the act is performed that need to match to achieve sexual compatibility?

Thank you for your kind words.

To answer your question, it depends on the couple. For example, if a husband has a libido that would cause him to prefer sexual intercourse at least once a day, but his wife could go only every other day, that's not substantial enough of a difference to have a serious impact on their marriage. Likewise, if a man prefers a certain position and it is not the woman's favorite, but she is willing to have sex in that position, that is something that can be compromised on and overcome by the couple.

The problems arise when you have two people who have two very different views on what sex means to them or two very different levels of sex drive. A man who wants to have sex every day is going to be very disappointed if he unknowingly marries a woman who hates sex and only wants to engage in it on birthdays and anniversaries and only then as a means to appease her spouse. And for a couple who has remained virgins until their wedding night, this can pose serious issues within the marriage and oftentimes leads to adultery and/or divorce. And you cannot talk about sex drive and expectations and preferences if you are both virgins, because you don't know.

I'm not knocking people who choose to wait. I feel it is a valid choice and one that others should respect; however, I disagree with the notion that if two people wait and have no prior experience then they enter into the marriage with no expectations and are automatically compatible. Sex drive and how a person views sex and their sexuality is not something that comes with experience.

On the other hand, I hate the expression "try before you buy." I was not some sort of car my husband had to take for a test drive before he would consider marrying me. With that said, I felt that us living together prior to marriage (especially since both of us were divorced and were reluctant about marriage to begin with) allowed us to enter into the lifelong covenant without any false expectations.

 

[MissRowboat]

Also something to think about is sexual drive matching...If one partner has a really high sex drive and the other doesn't...That can be a problem.

And sexual variety is important. Some people can be just fine with the same positions, in the same places, lights off every single time. Others need spice.

And sadly, typically the boring, low-drive partner is usually the one that dictates the sexual nature of the relationship..because short of raping their partner, the high drive, experimental partner can't really do much.

And as others have said, some guys are just really bad at it, not matter what.

Then there is the matter of knowing how to move with each other...Some guys just...Can't.

Also, maybe a virgin guy doesn't care how good/bad the sex is because ZOMG SEX. But after awhile, a guy does seek either an improvement or whatnot...Guys have can sucky sex. The girl needs to be into it.

Ahh this post is scattered..But my brain is in a zillion places right now.

And maybe this is shallow, but if the sex with my boyfriend sucked and never improved...It might be over. I love him, but I see sex and the manifestation of the relationship. Sex is one of the basic needs of life. If someone is sexually unsatisfied in a relationship, I just can't see it lasting.

 

[Godzila]

I say sex drive compatibility is important. But if you love each other, that is More important. Sex is not love. Sex is part of the commitment you make in a relationship.

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

I disagree with the notion that you have to have a previous sexual history to know what you like and don't like, and your drive. I certainly know what I like the idea of and what I'm willing to try and what completely grosses me out.

I think you CAN discuss the issue with your SO, and if you can't discuss it, then they don't trust you enough to consider marrying you anyway. If you find that your ideas of sex don't match up, then perhaps it is time to leave. But I don't think you necessarily have to actually do it to figure things out.

Yeah we're all horrible in the beginning. I for one am not opposed to reading and learning, nor to learning my way around myself to figure things out.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Yeah, I was wondering about that since it seemed the people who had the most to say also mentioned their first relationship failed and they later realized they were sexually incompatible with that partner.

But yeah, me and my SO have discussed it and as usual, we're on the same page with it....ideas, drive, experimentation etc. And we're both virgins, so I guess we're good lol.

 

[katautumn]

I disagree with the notion that you have to have a previous sexual history to know what you like and don't like, and your drive. I certainly know what I like the idea of and what I'm willing to try and what completely grosses me out.

I both agree and disagree. As I said, I am totally opposed to sexual promiscuity, especially since I lived it and know the harm it can cause. Having multiple one-night stands does not help a person reach an understanding about their expectations sexually.

I think there are people who can understand the level of their sex drive if they are the type of people who are open to doing things other than having sex. My understanding is that many times Christians will try and abstain from all sexual pleasure prior to marriage, including masturbation and any sort of intimate activity with their significant other that may cause arousal. Perhaps someone who has been in a different situation than I was could explain how one would know their sex drive if their sexuality has been suppressed from an early age.

I think you CAN discuss the issue with your SO, and if you can't discuss it, then they don't trust you enough to consider marrying you anyway. If you find that your ideas of sex don't match up, then perhaps it is time to leave. But I don't think you necessarily have to actually do it to figure things out.

I agree, but I also wonder about couples who come from very legalistic Christian families who follow the verse that says, "it is good for a man to not touch a woman". I have known Christians in my lifetime who believed that not only was it sinful for their son or daughter to have any sort of physical contact with their betrothed prior to the wedding day, but that it is also sinful to even discuss sexual things.

I remember once reading on a forum a woman was saying her nineteen year old son was engaged to be married and he had been courting his bride-to-be for a little over a year. He asked his mom and dad if it would be appropriate to discuss expectations in terms of contraception with his fiance and they told him "absolutely not!". The basis for their response was that any discussion on sexual matters would lead to lustful thoughts.

Yeah we're all horrible in the beginning. I for one am not opposed to reading and learning, nor to learning my way around myself to figure things out.

That is true. Whether you are a virgin or someone who has had a checkered sexual past, that first time is always awkward. And I do honestly believe that having multiple partners does not mean someone will be a good lover. I have been with men in the past who were "players" and were terrible. What it really boils down to is honesty and attentiveness to your partner's emotional and physical needs. A person could have been with everyone in your town and still be lacking in that area and that would render them an unsuitable lover within the context of marriage.

 

[Johnnz]

Sexual values, what people believe about sex and themselves, is incredibly important. If sex is seen as just a necessity, if body image is negative, if there is no interest in being creative and a fully sexual being, then sex in marriage, however experienced or naive one was prior to marriage, can be a very unsatisfying experience. Too much Christian teaching on sex is framed in fear, negativity, shame and opprobrium. That does not provide a good basis for anyone to experience good married sex.

John
NZ

 

[NotHardcore]

I might PM you...but yes, I do think that sexual compatibility is an important thing to consider before marrying a person.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I think there are people who can understand the level of their sex drive if they are the type of people who are open to doing things other than having sex. My understanding is that many times Christians will try and abstain from all sexual pleasure prior to marriage, including masturbation and any sort of intimate activity with their significant other that may cause arousal. Perhaps someone who has been in a different situation than I was could explain how one would know their sex drive if their sexuality has been suppressed from an early age.

I'm not one of those Christians who has been suppressed sexually and what you're describing is probably a tiny minority. I grew up in a Presbyterian church and masturbation was never discussed-it was not condemned. The only thing I was taught was that sex belonged in marriage. Even if one did not relieve themselves sexually, they could still know how often they felt aroused and wanted to be sexual which would give a clue to what kind of frequency they might want.

I agree, but I also wonder about couples who come from very legalistic Christian families who follow the verse that says, "it is good for a man to not touch a woman". I have known Christians in my lifetime who believed that not only was it sinful for their son or daughter to have any sort of physical contact with their betrothed prior to the wedding day, but that it is also sinful to even discuss sexual things.

I remember once reading on a forum a woman was saying her nineteen year old son was engaged to be married and he had been courting his bride-to-be for a little over a year. He asked his mom and dad if it would be appropriate to discuss expectations in terms of contraception with his fiance and they told him "absolutely not!". The basis for their response was that any discussion on sexual matters would lead to lustful thoughts.

That is a very bizarre extreme. Everything should be discussed before marriage and that's always been the case with every Protestant church I've ever attended.

A person could have been with everyone in your town and still be lacking in that area and that would render them an unsuitable lover within the context of marriage.

Yes, a person's desire to please the other is what makes a good lover.

 

[The Julikenz]

FWIW, sexual incompatibility does not only denote penis-in-vagina action. My SO and I are extremely sexually compatible in most ways, but our kissing style is completely different and neither of us can adjust to other, even after 15 months. It doesn't bother me because it's such a small aspect of a relationship, but it could be the deal-breaker for someone who places a lot of importance on being able to sit down for an hour and pash their lover stupid.

I think you will find that no matter who you're with, there will be a certain degree of incompatibility. What really matters, is that overall you can satisfy one another enough long term. Communication and trust are important, but there are certain things these two things can't resolve, such as high vs low drives, meat-and-3-veg style sex vs widely experimental.

 

[The Princess Bride]

I think sexual compatability is the columnation for compatability on all other aspects.

I am not saying that everything has to be "perfect" for a sexual relationship to work, BUT that should not be the only basis of staying together, either.

John and I are waiting until we are married, but over the course of dating for 2 yrs we have been able to succeed in a "meshing" of other aspects of our life in which we are compatable. That doesnt lesson the importance of sex, but highlights the realities...."Does this person manage money well?", "How does he treat his family/friends?"...."Is he honorable, trustworthy, motivated?"...."Even when the kids are grown, his hair has fallen out, and I've got more wrinkles than a rhino....WHY will we still love each other?"

So basically, yeah, I am against the whole "test-drive" theory. I believe that during the latter part of a relationship where you are seeing each other as your future spouse, then you can begin to discuss your expectations/wants/etc.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Thinking back to some of my past relationships where sex was an issue, everything from our drives to our stamina was an issue. Some of these things it's hard to know how you'll perform or what you'll like without experience. That doesn't mean to run out and have sex, but to understand that things may not work as you anticipated, and if that's the case, not to beat up on yourself for it.

Thanks again for your input.

We've talked about as much as we possibly could and so far nothing conflicts. But like you said, it's hard to know without actual experience and plus we're both virgins so neither of us know any different anyway. And no, we're definitely not going to just go out and have sex to find out We'll learn together when the time comes.

I might PM you...but yes, I do think that sexual compatibility is an important thing to consider before marrying a person.

Feel free to, I'd love to hear what your opinion

 

[rppearso]

I'm in the "sexual incompatibility can be a serious problem in a relationship" camp. Now, while I don't think marriage should be about, or based on sex, it is a function of marriage or relationships that can cause some serious issues.



It's everything, even things that don't appear to be about sex, but actually are.

Like if you like to dress up in a bunny suit and hop around the bedroom and this is something you have to do, and that's something your partner hates and could never do... Well, you've got an issue. And that analogy goes for everything from anal sex to oral sex, to S&M or BDSM, role playing... Whatever. As we've seen on other threads, there are some who state that if a spouse who won't compromise (compromise being defined as doing what is being requested), they'll end the relationship or seek satisfaction elsewhere. So discovering if your spouse can go the rest of his life not doing something they like sexually because you don't like it and won't do it, without him going outside of the marriage because he feels justified to do so is something that should be addressed.

Same for sexual refusal. Again, there are people who have pretty wild ideas about what is and isn't allowed when it comes to rejecting sex. Some argue it's normal, some argue that it's a reason to divorce somebody. Obviously, if you think it's normal and you need space sometimes whereas your spouse will divorce you if you don't do it, there will be issues.

Thinking back to some of my past relationships where sex was an issue, everything from our drives to our stamina was an issue. Some of these things it's hard to know how you'll perform or what you'll like without experience. That doesn't mean to run out and have sex, but to understand that things may not work as you anticipated, and if that's the case, not to beat up on yourself for it.

This is contradictory of what you said in another tread, im not really sure what exactly your stance is from this post. Would YOU stay in a sexually unsatisfying marriage? Are you simply stating what other people do? You have had friends with benifits but you lectured that sexual dissatisfaction is not a good reason to divorce. Im trying to understand here.

 

[Windmill]

Alright, somebody needs to explain this to me. Feel free to PM if you have details you don't mind sharing with me but do mind sharing with the entire cyber world.

I keep seeing it being mentioned, some say it's a load of bologna and there's no such thing, any guy can have sex with any girl as long as they have functioning parts. Others seem to think there's more too it than that and say it's an important part of a relationship and being incompatible sexually can be a serious problem in a relationship.

So what's the deal?

One thing to consider is sex drives.

Some people just really want and need sex.

Some people just don't want sex that much and it would bother them having it like once a day or something.

It could lead to a lot of tension in marriages.

 

[Godzila]

so the question is...will a relationship be compromised if a person is not as sexually active as the other?

 

[Bootstrap]

And for a couple who has remained virgins until their wedding night, this can pose serious issues within the marriage and oftentimes leads to adultery and/or divorce. And you cannot talk about sex drive and expectations and preferences if you are both virgins, because you don't know.

I'm not knocking people who choose to wait. I feel it is a valid choice and one that others should respect; however, I disagree with the notion that if two people wait and have no prior experience then they enter into the marriage with no expectations and are automatically compatible. Sex drive and how a person views sex and their sexuality is not something that comes with experience.

I think you can learn a lot about this by kissing and making out. But even then, if you've only kissed one person, it's hard to know, there's nothing to compare to.

I was married for 23 years to a woman who decided she is lesbian. If either of us had dated before, we probably would have known something was wrong before getting married.

I've been dating someone for over 2 years now, and there's a lot of chemistry. We don't have to have sex to know that. But I do think it would be pretty much impossible to know without kissing and making out.

In my first marriage, I did believe that any two Christians will be able to work this stuff out.

Jonathan

 

[rppearso]

The only reason you think that is because you're not actually reading anything I write.



I wouldn't divorce my husband over sex, nor would I use the threat of a divorce to get my husband to perform a sex act he doesn't want to perform.

I think I've been more than clear on that subject.



In the post you quoted, I rattled off a variety of issues that can come up because of sex, and how some people react to them. I didn't advocate or not advocate anything, just brought up the issues it presented.

Why this shocks you, I don't know. I've never in my life said that sex was not a problem in people's marriages.



Well, friends with benefits and divorce, or marriage, really have absolutely nothing to do with eachother. Having a friend with benefits 10 years ago hardly means that now I can't think the guy who'd say to his wife "If you don't lick my behind, I'll divorce you because you're not meeting my sexual needs" is a jerk.

So you agree it can be an issue but the one who makes it an issue is the bad spouse, does that boil it down or am I missing something?