Setbacks

[SinkingShip]

I think I touched on this topic a bit in my earlier posts, but I was wondering if anyone else has had to deal with "setbacks" in their treatment, and if so then how often? Something happened this past April (right about the time I turned 30) that led to the most severe depressive episode I've had in over a decade (since I started any medication or treatment). My existing regiment became ineffective and none of the new meds have managed to even stabilize me (including a 50% increase in the Lithium).

I have had ups and downs in the past, but this one is several magnitudes bigger and none of my usual coping or response mechanisms are getting me "back above water". Is this "normal"?

 

[SinkingShip]

Just a quick update: looks like I'm in full relapse, so Dr and I are going to cut two of my medications (Seroquel and Prozac) over the next five weeks (during a time of the month when I'm generally stable) to flush them from my system, while keeping steady on the Lithium and Trileptal, and then regroup in mid December.

Neither drug is performing as well as we hoped, but this will also leave me without any real buffer against the depression or psychosis for 1-2 weeks. With that in mind, does anyone have any strategies for preventing a depressive cycle during the time I'm in-between meds?

Thanks,

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and have not yet gotten out of the depressive cycle. My therapist has me doing positive writing, getting outside when I can, and other self-care type of activities to work on fighting the depression.

 

[RuthD]

Keep seeing your doctor often. Try to change depressing thoughts to positive ones. I recently experienced what you have. One bad thought after another. In my case I needed to be hospitallized for 7 days. Remember, never be ashamed of who you are. Try to do some things to feel better like a hot bath or just one little thing you like every day or so. Remember, there is hope for us all. All the best to you.

 

[SinkingShip]

Thanks,
Dr and I are having weekly calls to re-evaluate, but with two of my anti-depressant/anti-psychotic meds out of the picture, I'm already plunging head-first into my next depressive cycle. And between the Thanksgiving Holiday and some upcoming travel for work, I'm on a roller-coaster without any restraints or safety nets. IED has begun to re-appear as well. Why do I bother trying to live with this?

 

[mum24]

You bother trying to live with this because you are precious to God and to those who love you. And there ARE better times. I've been in the dark hole, its not permanent. Please try to think of even one reason to live... one person who loves you, one thing you'd like to experience again. I see you posted in November. Have things gotten any better? I've been stripped of meds before... antipsychotics and antidepressants. I know its a roller coaster, but please remember that you ARE worth fighting for. Don't give up.

 

[SinkingShip]

Hi Mum,
We gave up on trying to eliminate the meds and stopped cutting dosage around thanksgiving time. Since then, I've had to stop the Seroquel anyway due to very bad shaking and muscle spasms and have been experiencing several unpleasant psychotic symptoms since (delusions are back, dissociation for longer than usual stetches of time, and I can't concentrate on much of anything for more than a shore while anymore). Mood is now completely destabilized and I'm back to my "mixed state" cycling.

I can't tell if the psychosis is related to the depression any more because the mood swings are all over the place, but it has me wondering if maybe the psychosis is something that developed in parallel to the BiPolar, rather than because of it.

Next Dr Appt is tomorrow evening, hopefully the next approach we try will yield better results. After eight months of mood swings between psychotic depression and very agitated hypomania, dissociating, being unable to concentrate on anything, trying to sort through a myriad of delusions intent on hurting me ("drilling a hole in your head will allow your thoughts to flow freely") and once again coming "face to face" with a voice that thinks I'm better off dead; I could really use a break, even if its in the form of ECT.

 

[mum24]

Hi Sinkingship

I am very glad that you recognize your psychosis and know that these voices are not real and shouldn't be listened to. Please don't listen to them. And about the future, as you said to me, change is hard and painful, but worth it. Sounds like your doctor is right on top of the situation. I admire your candor with your health care providers.

I'm so sorry your mood is destabilized. I know how much that hurts. But remember that each day we live through, is one we never have to live through again. The future is never written, except to the One that knows our very core.

Please stay safe!! And don't give up.

 

[SinkingShip]

Seroquel has been scrapped. I'm ending the Prozac over the next two days and starting Lorazepam immediatly (I briefly halucinated that my kitchen was flooding just before I left for the Dr's office and anxiety, irratibility, and stress have all been high). My ability to concentrate is completely shot and I'm dissociating at increasing frequencies recently. I'm going back next week with the plan being that I'll be starting on Risperdal and possibly a new anti-depressant, if things look well enough.

After talking with a friend who's a clinical psychologist, I'm getting the sense that I've had some of the more "tame" delusions (especially the paranoid ones) running in the background for over a decade and I've just been going right along with them; only now I'm spotting them because I'm dealing with the other, more dangerous ones and questioning everything I've been operating with for the past 15 years.

I'm just so tired of dealing with this, and i'm not even sure if I know, or ever knew, what "well" is.

 

[mum24]

That can be disconcerting. I've questioned that too.. If I've ever known what "well" is. But we are sooo not alone. I think some people who are sick/unhappy or deluded never figure it out. It's a depressing thought isn't it? But remember that treatment is available and hasn't been exhausted. And some people who think they are happy never know the Lord and won't have eternal peace.

The dissociation must be frustrating. I just have lack of concentration , twice I forgot where I was going while driving , but the most distressing thing is not staying focused on Jesus.

I will pray for you.

 

[SinkingShip]

Earlier this morning, my wife and I were talking about the new meds we were going to try; she told me she was "fed up" with all the drs appointments and meds. I told her that we were trying to find the balance of meds that worked. I asked if she had gone through all of this with her mother (who is also Bipolar) and she said "yes, but where does that leave me? I just have to deal with it for the rest of my life?"

My suggestions that maybe we could both go to a counselor to discuss this was shot down with her saying "I tried that with my mom, and it was stupid". In addition to that, she is getting jealous of the (only) two other friends I have, who are both trying to encourage me to keep seeking help.

I'm sick of this; I have no idea what to do with her and I feel like my walls are closing in. Who needs delusions when reality is becoming just as hellish and lonely.

 

[mum24]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel. From the beginning my husband has been angry with me, blaming me, and does not want to communicate with me about how I'm feeling. He freely admits that he feels no sympathy and hasn't been there for me.

All I can say is hang in there. Even though nothing has changed in my husband's feelings, he just recently (after 3 years) apologized to me, and admits that his attitude is wrong. What has helped him is to go for counselling alone, just him. Maybe your wife would consider that? It sounds like she has issues stemming from her childhood that make it hard for her to be there for you now. My husband is in the same boat.

Another thing that helps is praying for her. Committing to praying for your wife is a long-term, not short term solution. It may be that God answers prayer quickly but even if not, the bible says for husbands to be considerate and respectful of their wives so that their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7), it also says husbands love your wives and do not be harsh with them (Colossians 3:19). I believe that that is your whole duty to your wife... as you said you don't know what to do with her.

Maybe as she gets some personal counselling, or even if she doesn't, as she experiences Christ's love through you, maybe she will come around and be a support to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like I said, I know how PAINFUL it is, especially on top of all the pain you are already experiencing.

I gotta go, family calling.
mum24

 

[SinkingShip]

Follow up to the earlier post. After a fight this evening, wife has decided that she "doesn't want to hear any more about bipolar, we talk about it too much as it is" and followed up a short while later with "enough of the mood swings and enough with the meds, I want you to start being normal."

I give up. My support network is being stripped away. My wife hates one of the few friends I have left and can honestly talk to because she's a woman, and I feel a stronger emotional bond with another friend (also a woman) because we can relate to each other (she has atypical depression).

I think that I just lost the war.

 

[mum24]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Has anything else happened since you posted? You don't deserve this from your wife and I know what it feels like. It sounds like she wants you all to herself, even though she is putting conditions on you. She still loves you. Maybe I would tell my spouse that if I can't get support from them that I need to find it somewhere. Is it possible to foster some male friendships? Do you have a counsellor? Do you belong to a church?' I know how hard it is to find people who understand. It took years but I have now my pastors wife who is supportive and my counsellor is amazing. Have you ever tried a Christian counsellor? It doesnt change the fact that our spouses are emotionally absent but it is a comfort to me that they love us and still want to stick around. They just don't have the emotional fortitude at this time to be there.
I hope you still have hope. I don't think you have lost the war. With God change is possible, even for our spouses. Again I'm so sorry you have been hurt like this.

 

[mum24]

How are things going? I'm having a miserable time with my spouse. Gotta believe there is hope.

 

[SinkingShip]

We talked/fought some more over the weekend and she indicaged that she didn't realize her comments were having that type of impact on me. She said she'd be more supportive and would stop her side comments. I've told her I'm going to talk to my Dr and see what other services the center she works at offers and return to some form of therapy.

I have a male friend I've started telling a little more, but I've historically refrained from telling any male friends too much about my condition due to my own trust issues and some issues with male friends in the past (my best friend growing up (who was also the son of a pastor) one day decided he wanted to run with the cool crowd and used everything he could to turn me into a target for everyone to make fun of. Another friend I told about my BP one day suggested that I just "shut up and kill myself already".)

I went to a Christian therapist when I was a teen and my symptoms first started emerging - the idea that I was hearing voices didn't seem to really phase him and at our last session he said "I don't think I can help you anymore" and it just ended there. I think a Christian Counselor would be good once I'm in a position to deal with my issues/history with God and the Church, but I don't have the mental/emotional resources to handle that at the moment.

We'll see how it goes.

 

[mum24]

I'm so sorry you've had those awful experiences in the past. People can be really terrible. I've been bullied before by an ex friend and I've had people completely abandon me because of my illness so I know the hurt you are talking about.
I'm glad your wife said she would try to be more supportive! That is a positive step. I'm glad for you and I pray that does happen. I know it's hard for spouses but they promised in sickness and in health. And we don't like this either... Mental illness sucks.

 

[SinkingShip]

So it looks like my entire regiment is being tossed and I'll be going on Abilify, Wellbutrin, Lamictal, and Lorazepam (for the time being). Hopefully that gets me back on the right track.

Has anyone had any experiences with any of the above meds?

 

[mum24]

I've taken Wellbutrin, Lamictal and Lorazepam. Wellbutrin was good except I couldn't sleep. I would consistently wake up shaking and sweating. Not nice. Lamictal you have to increase very very slowly because of the risk of Steven johnson syndrome (a rash like a burn that can kill you). I took it for a couple months but then missed a couple doses and when I continued I started to get a rash, so I stopped. Apparently if you miss a dose you have to start all over from the beginning and increasing it slowly. So it takes a looong time to get to a therapeutic dose. Lorazepam was ok. It's for anxiety. You take .5 or 1 mg and you can feel your body relax. For that reason it's addictive. Or for me I'd be tempted to take more just for the effect. However I never did. I was too afraid of what taking too much would do to me, since I had done that with clonazepam in the past and it made me so disinhibited that I tried to kill myself. Scary. So anyway, there was no reason that I stopped taking Lorazepam, they only prescribed it to me in the hospital, not when I left. Just make sure you take all these drugs as prescribed.

How do you feel about the changes? Nervous? Good? What are you coming off of?

 

[SinkingShip]

I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the med changes, but I'm also starting to cycle upwards, so who knows what I'm really feeling. I'm taking the next 10 days off from work, which will take one stressor out of the equation while I adjust.

I was previously on Seroquel, Prozac, Trileptal, and Eskalith and the only one that seemed to be doing its job even close to effectively was the Trileptal (which i have to give up because its an anticonvulsant like Lamictal). I'm taking the Lorazepam on an "as needed" basis since its easy to build a tolerance/dependency on it, but I'm hoping the new mix will cover the anxiety as well.

Doctor also agreed that some cognitive/behavioral therapy would be beneficial to "rebuild" my coping mechanisms and take some of the support pressure off of my wife. I'd also like to "dive a little deeper" into the anxiety issues to see if they originate from a cognitive issue vs a biological issue. My email to the organizer of the nearest support group has gone unanswered so far, but there are several others in the area that will be meeting after the new year.