Serious Struggle

[Bjornke]

Hey Guys,

Perhaps this may be long but here goes. I'm just wondering how I should handle this (below) because it's very discouraging.

To start off, at 15 years of age everything was going wrong. I had lost all my friends, been accused of being homosexual in my first high school, violence in my family was routine, and my fears of the past were surfacing. I had turned to God by luck and chance, I opened a bible and began reading. Shortly after I met a great guy who brought me to my first church. At this church I met a girl who was very supportive, and quickly became my best friend. I told her everything, and she told me everything. We hung out all the time, shared stories, shared tears, shared struggles. After knowing her for a year I began to realize I loved her deeply because she was always there for me, always fun and encouraging to be around, and unlike my family, I felt loved and appreciated around her.

After knowing her for 2 years, I told her in a small way that I cared for her. However she completely rejected me, and didn't speak to me for weeks. Unfortunately, during this time I realized she was into "bad guys" so I created a facade that I was a bad guy, and she began to talk to me again. However I hate lies and that facade collapsed, when I told her it was fake, and that the guy she's known for 2 years was really me.

Again, she completely rejected me, and hated me. Because of this, and the fact that at this time, family violence and anger had risen substantially, I decided suicide was my way out. I walked away from God and told this girl goodbye. I walked out my house, and decided to walk into the wilderness where I would end my life. A call from this girl's mother, and then from this girl, eventually led to the police finding me. However, she promised to me that she would find me and we would work it out and see a movie. Instead, after that call, I waited, but was picked up by the police and never spoke to her again. I sent her an angry text later that week that I couldn't believe she lied to me and completely abandoned me.

So let's skip to the present. It's been 1 year since all this transpired. Every single day I have relived those moments, and every single day I have been overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and grief. Ever single day I have asked myself why I lied, why I did what I did. And every day, I have learned to hate myself more and more.

I came back to God about 6 months ago, and since I did, I have been overwhelmed with blessings. But I still go to bed at night and pray for forgiveness, and pray that the weight of whatever her sins were, are placed on me.

I don't know what to do anymore, or how to address any of it, because all I want is to talk to her again and apologize, and know we can be friends again, or even strangers, just not enemies. She recently started coming back to church, and she stares at me, but runs out before I can talk to her, and it destroys my self-confidence. I'm not sure how many more times I can handle that, seeing her again, just to have her look at me filled with hate.

-Brandon

 

[Jake255]

Hi Brandon,

I'm not sure my offer of help will really help and I am sorry you are going through all of this. First of all, none of your struggles and pain will be in vain if you continue on the journey with God, He WILL bring you out of this and He WILL turn all of this around for good. He is growing and maturing you and as you know, it's very painful when he does that.

I grew up in a violent household, too, and the only way out, the only way to get through it and to get through what you are facing is with God. I would urge you to keep praying - He does come through. It's good you are continuing to go to church - that's awesome, you have a support team and you are obviously not giving up on your faith. I think the most important thing you can do is stand strong in your faith in order to move forward.

If it's too painful to see this girl, do you know anyone else that goes to another church? Otherwise, I would sincerely pray for her and in that God will honor your prayers and perhaps He will show mercy on you so you are able to face her without the pain. Ask God if you two should be together or not, if not, then move on, if so then be patient. James tells us we should ask for wisdom. Wisdom in any situation is like gold. How can we make the right decision without it?

Not sure if this is any help but I will also pray for you.

peace -

Jake

 

[LEDLITES]

Hey Brandon, that girl is not good for you if she wants you to be someone your not.
Sounds like she is being quite a bad Christian though your hard times.
If I knew you I would be your friend thick and thin.
My name is Graham, best of luck though your life. God is with you though your trials and successes.

 

[Charbel7]

We all go through tough times, Stay strong brother, Maybe she's not the girl god wants you to be with, Maybe he has someone else for you, You can never know.

Good luck, Keep praying.

 

[Flyboy1818]

Brandon....first of all you have to forgive yourself for what happened. Renew your mind, forgive and let go of the things that this girl did to you. Trust in God that He will make things work for you and He will give you the oppertunity to make things right with her.

It all starts with forgiveness.

Phillipians 4:6 "Be careful (anxious) for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."

Don't worry about anything. Forgive and all in God's timing He will make things right.

 

[Barricade24]

I had an experience that I had trouble forgiving myself for years so you're not alone in that. I don't think I have any sound advice for your problem at this time, but I can suggest maybe studying forgiveness in the Bible, that might help you forgive yourself, it took me quite a while but now, I am to let the past be the past. I pray that you will be able to do the same.

 

[CurlyGirl01]

God has forgiven you. He has! Whether you believe it or not, He has. He loves you, too!

1 Peter 5:7
"Casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
Every bit of that verse is amazing. Cast your anxiety on a Him! Your guilt, shame, everything! Tell God about it! He's not some dude up in the sky constantly judging and hating, disappointed and angry. He loves. He loves you and wants you to give it up! Give it to Him!

Why does he want you to do that? Because he cares for YOU. He does not want you to hurt yourself! He has seen your true guilt and has honored your asking for forgiveness. But I would think He also wants you to now move on.

I know moving on from guilt is easier said than done. I've had quite a bit of it myself. I'm constantly battling anxiety of many forms (Including guilt).

Whenever I find myself wallowing in guilt and anxiety, it helps to take hardcore action. See, whenever we worry, we tend to get stuck, and hopeless at times. But, tell yourself..

"Ya know what? No! I'm not going to believe lies that I'm not forgiven, or accept shame that Christ has taken away. Christ is on my side."

Also, do research. Research Bible verses to help you. Write them anywhere and everywhere. On a bookmark, on pieces of paper placed at random places, anywhere! I have a couple dry erase boards in my room with Bible verses on them. This could help in constantly reminding you God has your back.

I won't write them out, but here are a few to look up..
1 Corinthians 10:13
Luke 6:38
Proverbs 3:5-8
James 1:5-6
Psalm 23:4
1 Peter 5:7 (above)
1 Peter 5:8-10
James 4:7
Psalm 145:18
Matthew 28:20

And a few quotes..
"Let your faith be bigger than your fears." -Unknown
"If you don't want temptation to follow you don't act as if your interested." -Unknown
"The cure to a lonely heart is to be alone with Jesus." -Unknown

Anyways.. Just trust me when I say if there's anything else you need to be sorry for, it's for submitting to severe guilt and for trying to hurt yourself. God doesn't want you to do that! He loves you! And he wants to use YOU.

I hope everything gets better. I'll pray for you! Smile! God loves you!

 

[pennyattack]

Walk the walk even in the toughest of times!
Have you ever heard the phrase, "God gives the toughest battles to His strongest soldiers"?
Just remember, prayer is a powerful tool

 

[grandvizier1006]

You can let go of the guilt, Brandon. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

Simply find a way to talk to this girl and explain to her why you did what you did, as rationally as you can. Admit where you were wrong, and remember that it wasn't entirely your fault. Family troubles, not fitting in, and your one and only friend rejecting you are all very depressing things. Suicide/running away, of course, is DEFINITELY NOT the way to go for things like this, but that girl has some responsibility, too, and she might be avoiding you because she wants to avoid being reminded of what happened--and she might even blame herself. From the way you tell it, it seems like she was the straw that broke the camel's back. From her own point of view, at least if she's honest with herself, she might see herself as the one that nearly drove you to suicide.

Do what you can to mend your broken friendship--and given the way everything was I wouldn't push it any further than that, even if you're still interested in her romantically. Recognize that God has forgiven you, and pray that He will give you the strength to heal your relationship, and that this girl will be spiritually healed, too.