Seperated, Help Desired

[CRNA]

I am posting here because I have been visiting this site for almost a year, and I have enjoyed the daily devotional and reading the members responses here to those who are in need. This is truly a blessing, and I consider my self-fortunate to be apart of this community.

I have a problem. I have been married for 5 years, and I have two little girls. I am separated as of this last week. My wife and I had an argument and I left. But, as you will soon see, it is much more complicated then that. Jodi (for private use) and I married in our early twenties after courting for 3 years. We broke up several times during our courtship because I desired to remain a virgin until marriage and we ended up in situations where it enabled her to push the envelope, so to speak. So I would leave her, and tell her I needed to recope and pray before we made an immoral decision. Luckily, we made it, and we fought the good fight and married.

The story begins. On our honeymoon, I was so excited, we could finally engage in becoming one, physically. I have been athletic my whole junior and high school life, body builder through college, and rugby player. My sex drive was and is very high, which along comes a great deal of self control, which I exhibited throughout my younger life as I adhered to the values God was instilling in me. Jodi was a cheerleader in College and showed a strong desire for me physically, which I enjoyed the attention. But, her relationship with the Lord is what drew me to here, she wasn’t very strong spiritually but she showed so much desire to be. We had quiet times, and prayer for each other during our courtship (which I quickly found out was not an excellent ideal because I get very turned on praying with her, I think God designed that in me lol) anyways, I finally decided to marry.

Back to our honeymoon, it wasn’t good at all. I finally could do what we wanted to do for so long, but it wasn’t good for her and eventually me. We were immature, but God would guide us, and I realized I needed to exhibit a great deal of patience and sacrifice, which I tried.

Fast-forward three years, before we had our girls. Our sex life was horrible. She would say "are you done yet, I am too tired, my face hurts, I had a long day at work, ect....." I prayed, and asked God to show me how to be selfless to her. I prayed that He would take away my sex drive so that we would not fight. The truth was, we fought so much about it that I could see she felt pressured into sex with me, and that is what I did not want. I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who "feels pressured to be with me."

So I asked God again, "Lord, I want to be a great husband to Jodi, and I want my desires to be yours, please give me patience, and maybe her drive will come or please show me how not to put so much pressure on sex" but the truth is, I love sex, not just because I am selfish, but because I feel like it releases frustration, stress, and the ability of Satan to tempt me, and she could do all of this by just becoming one with me. I would go to work (fulltime student, and worked 50+ hrs a week = which was probably one of the problems) and woman at the hospital would come on to me, even patients, patients family members and I always felt attacked with this temptation. I would have my quiet times during my breaks, and I would avoid the other woman who would pursue me, even knowing that I am married. For three years I did this, I allowed God to give me strength, He was my hope, what I was grasping onto.

I finally decided to quit one of my jobs, and go fulltime at my other. As I was training, my boss, a beautiful, intelligent, Christian woman was my preceptor. Right off the back, we had excellent chemistry (working chemistry), I was so excited because I actually enjoyed coming to work. I liked my new boss (just as a friend) and I enjoyed my coworkers as well as working with the doctors hand in hand. Well day in and day out, my boss was precepting me. One day as I was in a case, she came up behind me and touched my arm----I paused---- and to myself, I thought how nice it was just to have a woman touch me, the sweet, kind gesture of having another human, a woman’s touch. My wife had not done that in I don’t know how long. She thought that any physical interaction would lead to sex, so she tried to avoid it. But when my boss did, that one time, I committed emotional adultery, I thought in my head how special it was, even though it was just a touch.

I shrugged it off and continued with my workday, but I could tell my boss was becoming more and more interested in me. And truthfully, so was I. She was so outgoing, so loving to me, understanding, uplifting, caring----of course, everything my wife wasn't----Satan was setting a trap, or so I am thinking. On my way home that first day, I pray in my vehicle and I asked God to give me wisdom and forgive me. I came home and ask Jodi to sit down. I had tears in my eyes and I said, "Jodi, I need you, I need you as my wife, as my lover, as my companion" I began to tell her that Satan is tempting me with areas of our life you view so negatively, like our sex life. I informed her that she is the only woman in my life that I can come together sexually, and she is all I want, but she holds that from me, and I feel like she has used that to control me.
I have spoken with her, prayed with her; we went to our first sessions of marriage counseling because of it (we also attended a 16 week premarital counseling).

Well, nothing changed between Jodi and me. But things did with my boss and I. We began to talk and communicate more and more everyday. She became attracted to me and one day before the workday was over she approached me, and grabbed my hands and pulled me to her, and we kissed. I did not pull away. I was so torn, because I had not felt what it felt like to have another woman love me, and it had been so long since my wife had kissed me, wantingly without me coming to her and holding her. From then on I was so happy at work and so depressed at home. I know the relationship that I was forming was wrong, but I was so nice to have someone who actually liked me, and eventually grew to love me.

As days passed my relationship grew with my boss, and after pushing her away continuously when it came to making love, I finally gave in, and I committed adultery. My boss was ecstatic, and began falling for me, and eventually we would make love several times a day, every workday. I am not trying to make this thread bad, or unGodly, I am trying to take you through my emotional trip, so that you all can advise me.

I didn’t know what to do, her is my wife, who does everything she can to avoid sex with me (we would have meaningful sex once every week and a half or so, which eventually provided us with two beautiful girls), and almost any form of physical interaction. and then here is this stunning woman, who does believe in God (although her relationship is not strongly morally convicting as you can see), is intelligent, sexy and has a wonderful sex drive. To make things short, over the next two years my boss and I develop a very strong relationship, she even shows a great deal of concern for my wife and guilt, so she would buy her gifts and give them to me to give to her as if they came from me. She would by my little girl’s gifts as well as myself. She actually and truthfully loved me, and genuinely cared for me. This was evident over the whole two years. But I knew what I was doing was not right, I just couldn’t fight it anymore, I began leading a double life, but eventually I broke, and I told my wife. She was heartbroken, and so was I. I decided that seeing my little girls with their mommy and daddy was more important then my selfish desire to be loved, so I picked my family up and we moved to another city, (I was fortunate that Jodi decided to try and work things out). We lived in the other city for 6 months and then moved back, to where we had friends and family.

Our sex life never improved. She informed me that she felt like her intimate feelings for me started to dissipate the day of our honeymoon. We started her on hormone shots, which helped, but in the end, she was "having to have sex with me". It was nice and wonderful to have a woman that actually "wanted" to be with me, and loved being in my presence. But, my family has to be more important then my happiness.

My former boss, would text me every once and a while, sad, and upset, she gave me my room. But the truth is, in my heart, I know God dislikes divorce; it is such a horrible picture of His love we are supposed to be exhibiting towards our spouse, similar to Jesus exhibiting His love for the Church. But...I loved this woman, my boss, I loved her spirit, her soul, and her love for me. Feelings or not, I still loved her, and she loved me. There was no more "infatuation" or "lust"; it was just sincere love for another person. It has been over three years now, and I am back in the similar situation again.

Jodi and I got into a fight, during sex, she started complaining about this or that and I had had enough! I got up and said bye and headed to the gym where I have been able to release my frustration for the last five years. She texted me, and said she was tired of it, and I said, "Mark your words wisely Jodi, if you tell me to leave, this time I will" and she sent me the message "Then leave", so I did.

Let me clarify a few things. I love my baby girls, I work 48 hours a week and still go to school full time, when I get off work (night shift), I go home and wake the girls, I bathe them while Jodi gets ready, and then I dress them, then I take them to school. After taking them to school, I text my wife, asking if I can bring her breakfast. Then I go home, sleep, wake up at lunch, and after to take her lunch, after lunch I come home and sleep some more, trying to get at least five hours of total sleep before I go back to work. I pick both girls up at five from daycare and take them home. If I am not working, I make the nights special; I either go get movies and popcorn for all of us as a family, or I take everyone out to eat. Every night I am off (3 to 4 nights per week) I lay Jodi down on our bed while she watches her show, and I massage her for one hour, I understand the day she has had and I find enjoyment in helping to release her stress through massaging her back, feet, arms, and legs. I make it special, I lay towels out, warm oil. I make points to make time on the weekends to go visit her family and so on.

I am saying this because I want to point out that I am trying to be a good husband and father, though little appreciation is ever reciprocated, it really breaks my heart. I have never let her go without; she has a new suv, and the house she wanted. I make it a point to take her clothe shopping once a month, you know, just her and I, making it a point to put aside 500.00 so she can get what she desires. I try to do everything I can, even though I know there is more I can do, please don’t mistake my level of energy as pride, I earnestly try cloaking myself with humility. But nothing every changes on her side of the relationship, nothing .

I am so dismayed, I pray, I fast, and I try earnestly to turn from my vices and progress in His word. But I just cant live like this. I have so much love that I want to give, to someone who appreciates it.

My boss has found out that I left her, and she is excited. I have told her that I am not interested in anything right now, except my relationship with God.

Let me clarify. I know what I did was wrong, I sinned before my Lord and Savior, I am a sinner.

Please help advise me, pray for me, ask me questions.............I need someone to talk to, It is tough being alone and I don’t want to fall into any woman’s arms.

 

[ShainaBrina]

How old are you?

 

[DZoolander]

Maybe you just married the wrong person, and it's not Satan tempting you to do anything. Maybe everything that happened is as a result of *that* fact...the fact that you made a youthful choice that was not "right" and meant to last a lifetime.

You talk as if you think that you *ought* to remain married to Jodi...when every aspect of your relationship seems to demonstrate that you shouldn't. Apart from the fact that you guys *did* exchange vows, and that you *do* have children, it sounds like there are no other aspects of your relationship that are indicative of a healthy and loving marriage. You're married on paper - but not in heart - at least that's how it seems.

Should you have messed around with this other woman? No. However - I see your meandering as simply a byproduct of extreme unhappiness with your marital situation. It doesn't seem like you just ran around wanting to cheat.

Kudos to you for waiting for marriage - and maintaining all of that... But - truth be told - the one big problem with approaching things that way is that you're left hoping that those 'untested' areas of your relationship will work out. Sometimes it doesn't. You took your shot - and unfortunately you are one of those that lost. Your gamble didn't find you a partner that you were compatible with - nor did God seemingly grant you someone that wanted to work on it with you to create compatibility. So - you were stuck.

Square peg - round hole...ya know?

So - what are you going to do now?

My advice is - accept that the marriage isn't going to work. It isn't like you guys have this wonderful marriage with a couple of kinks to work out. You're sitting there praying to God to essentially remove your sex drive... That's not a small kink....that's a major problem...and it's now tainted every other aspect of your relationship as well.

I'd accept that it was a choice made in youth - and not the right one for your whole life - and move on. Divorce her - do what's right by the kids - and go find someone that you will be happy with for the *rest* of your life.

Just my .02

Sorry to hear it man.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

I had this fairly long response, with quotes and all, ready to send when my computer freaked out and lost it. That was pretty annoying.

So, the short and not-so-sweet version:

1. When you were dating you blamed your wife for pushing the envelope and trying to go to far sexually. She likely felt like you were making her out to be a seductress and a wanton harlot. She feels ashamed. You wonder why she won't act that way now that you want her to.

2. You claim that you are sexually deprived and this deprivation led you to have an affair. Yet, in fact according to your post, you were having sex about every 1 1/2 weeks. That's pretty often for 5 years married and kids in the home. It's certainly not to the level of deprivation. You contrast that with your affair, where you were having illicit sex several times a day, every work day. Do you honestly think that would continue if it were a marriage, rather than an affair? You need to do some reading.

3. Your focus is entirely upon your needs. Your attempted solutions to the problem were (a) pray for your sex drive to be taken away (b) get wife some hormones. Have you read any instructional books to learn about foreplay? BTW, porn and things learned from friends don't count as instruction. You are supposed to be all about giving your wife pleasure in ways that SHE enjoys. You and your wife had your recent fight during sex, when she was complaining about "this or that". Gee, I wonder what that was - perhaps she was trying to get HER needs met.

4. From reading your post in its entirety, it sounds as though you were conducting a two year affair with your boss, while having sex every week 1/2 or so with your wife, during which time she also became pregnant. It hasn't been long since your affair ended, and now you are looking for an excuse to go back to the other woman.

I disagree with EZoolander. Even if you feel like you chose the wrong person, you took those vows. From what I can see, you are the only one who has committed adultery. There is no mention of physical abuse, drug problems etc. on the part of your wife. You just want sex more often than every 10 days, want it your way, and want to work long hours and get it, and want to have an affair and still get it from your wife. Most of all, you want some validation for leaving your marriage and starting up with the other woman again.

If this sounds harsh - oh well. I have been on both sides of this issue in my 44 years. I have been the cheater and the cheatee. As a former cheater, I am telling you that you need to examine your own actions and motives throughout your relationship with your wife. If you don't, no matter what you do (leave or stay) you will keep on making the same mistakes.

Lastly, we have an instruction manual for life, love and marriage. Give all of this over to God, pray for His direction and read your Bible.

 

[Johnnz]

I reckon you did well and tried really hard. Sex is an integral part of married life, and its seems that your wife failed to see her body as something for you, as Scripture reminds us.

You need time to revaluate, and let things settle before anything happens with your boss. You want any future marriage to be well based and not just centred on the sexual.

John
NZ

 

[JohnDB]

OK...not gonna sound be able to not sound preachy here...

Love, giving, and forgiveness are the core of a relationship with Christ.
A marriage partner is someone that wishes to do just that with you.

Yes, being so intimate with someone on an emotional level that physical intimacy is only a natural result of such is normal.

Your current wife (now separated) wanted something from you other than money and things and sex....maybe. You know her better than we.

The relationship with your former boss was really appealing to you in that she was giving in nature...respectful towards you...and genuinely interested in your interests (you had things in common)

It isn't so much the women in your life that is the real issue here...it is your relationships with them and the things about them that you find attractive. Some of which are real and some of which you only wish to be real.

Up to you to find the difference between fact and fantasy. No one else can do it for you. And any decision you choose has a high price by this point...as did going with the flow as you are only now finding out.

and a tiny fib about having a STD usually kills any thoughts by most women of having any kind of physical relationship with you...why you didn't think of that I aint exactly sure. Maybe there was a little flirting on your part going on as well...and the situations will come up again and again.

Up to you as to what you do...Sometimes the right choices are really uncomfortable...