Separated in the same house

[Million Pieces]

Sheesh, this feels like some kind of 12-step meeting. Hi, my name is Glynnis and I'm newly separated. But he lives in the house still, down in the spare bedroom. He moved down there about a week and a half ago.

We've been married 19 years, and have 3 kids together. Neither of us has ever had an affair, been hit, viewed porn or been alcoholic. So what's the problem? We just grew into different people. Or the people we have been have caught up with us.

He is a control FREAK. He's a rescuer, a problem solver. I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. We married young, I wasn't even 20, and he rescued me from my parent's house. I let him rescue me, and continued to let him "rescue" me every year since. Now I'm fed up with the dictating, the control, the narrow mindedness. He's fed up with me retreating from life, with not having a partner in decisions, with being the strong one for the both of us.

For all this time, we've been on auto-pilot, coasting through marriage and never addressing the profound loneliness that each of us were feeling. People would talk about marriage being "so HARD!" and we'd look at each other and think, "what's so hard about this?" That was only because neither of us every put in any effort to complement the other, to really connect with the other, to advance the spirit of the other. there's no affection, no romance, no effort going in from either of us. We just can't be bothered.

We just fell out of love. I started to feel that some years ago, and those of you here who have posted with me will probably recognize that. All that time I just didn't recognize, or maybe didn't want to admit, that we've been strangers in the same house for about 8 years, maybe longer.

We're not divorcing, or even legally separating at this point. We are both damaged people, and each of us are taking this time right now to speak to counselors and professionals about how to get stable again. I have an appointment with a counselor next week, on the 27th, to begin to discover what it's going to take for me to find my identity again. I'm not going there to address the initial abuse injury (that was done some 15 years ago), just these long-term habits I'm stil holding on to, that are dragging me down. I try to be so strong, try to appear so collected, but to be honest I'm not fooling anyone. I'm a mess. I don't think he's seeking a professional, but I'm trying to encourage him to do it. He has identity issues too, and those control issues, and I really do believe that only a professional is going to be able to cover the scope of what he needs.

Spiritually, we're both stagnant. Neither of us prays regularly, it's been YEARS since I opened my Bible. But we both still have the knowledge, and the faith in our hearts that God still does care, and that this is NOT what God ordained for our marriage. Both of our lifestyles is evidence enough that we have strayed from God. I KNOW I need to restore that, I KNOW that I need to surround myself with God's purposes and God's will, those are just the hardest habits to break somehow.

I'm not even sure what I'm here asking for, maybe just a place to find sympathy, and a listening ear, that won't judge or try to "fix" us.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It is common for married people to grow in separate directions. The secret to being married is keeping something in common with each other and not be too boring. You have to do something with him that you both enjoy and can relate to. I know couples who drink, shoot cowboy guns, ride motorcycles, participate in a business, participate in a philanthropy organization, and have experimental sex with each other. Every decent marriage has its thing that keeps a commonality between the people involved. Lack of this explains why husband wage earners who work hard to provide and mothers who stay home can't stand each other after a year or so. They live in different worlds and feel misunderstood by the other. There is little to no room for banter between them other than the child which is often a point of contention. End rant.

A couple I know who found themselves around where you are at, at a later stage in life than you, started getting into "cowboy shoots". Its a gun competition where regular people get together on the weekends and shoot at targets with cowboy-like pistols, rifles, and shotguns. They even dress up like cowboys and girls. My daughter got into it with them as they are friends of the family.

I'm not suggesting you pick up a gun so much as you agree to spend time with each other in another place for another purpose. Where you can work together and learn together and talk together as friends.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Double post

 

[whimzgirl]

Glynnis,

I definitely feel your pain and understand. I think my husband and I are probably headed in the same direction. I would love to tell him to go and most likely will but when I sit down logically and look at the prospect I don't think he can afford to do it. I'm certainly not moving out of the house that I paid for and do nearly all the upkeep on. Besides we have a 2nd on it to pay for his racing toys so even if we did sell, we wouldn't walk away with any money. I also can't in good conscience kick him out on the street.

In my case we do have infidelity in the past and I wouldn't be surprised if it happened again. (our story is posted over in the married forum - I'm not sure how to link to it but it's titled Intimacy Issues)

I don't really have much advice for you since I'm living a similar existence but I can be a listening ear and am here to hand you tissues. Hang in there sister!

~~whimz~~

 

[unkern]

When your life is driven by emotions it is bound to fail, The main important thing is you get the relationship back to being vertical (God being the most important)

Id recommend taking the relationship to counseling, with a good pastor that you are close with.

Here are some books that may help:
-Captivating (for you)
-Wild at heart (for him)
-the 5 love languages

 

[Million Pieces]

Brother, I've submitted to my husband so deeply I don't think a thought he doesn't give me. I always find it so curious how such young men can toss that little gem around so easily, without adding the next part of it. "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her." That road runs both north AND south.

Counseling with a pastor... been there, done that, wore out that t-shirt. Twice. They both bailed on us before the 4th session. We have to be healthy individuals before we can be a healthy couple.

Things have settled into a routine of types for now. We're both still putting a lot of thought into our feelings, or lack of them. I have started seeing a professional counselor, and he's been talking with a counselor friend for some time. It's obviously not working too well for him, and I'm hoping to help him see that this friend's counsel is not actually helping at the moment. We're still intimate occasionally, not as often as before of course, but we're not looking elsewhere for our fulfillment, and we're realizing there's more actual "feeling" there than either of us wanted to admit.

 

[unkern]

Ill say it again, your marriage will go no where until the 2 of you get right with God. Ive seen so many psychiatrists, counselors, etc. I learned one thing they showed me how messed up I was only God I able to fix it. Im sad to hear those pastors ditched on you too, I think they need to get right with God if their doing stuff like that.

 

[Million Pieces]

I apologize for my snarky response to you. You caught me in a very bad spirit at that moment. Please forgive me?

Yes, I do know I need to get right with God. I said that in my OP

I KNOW I need to restore that, I KNOW that I need to surround myself with God's purposes and God's will

But I also admitted that those are some of the hardest habits to gain back. I know that Christ knows me better than any other human. I know He's going to ask me some extremely hard questions, and I KNOW as well as I know my own name He's going to ask me to give up some habits that for now would break my heart to give up.

Today however, I'm having a bit of a hard time, I'm craving some intimate attention, and he's not inclined to offer any. It's one of those things we're coming to agreements on. Much prayer is appreciated.

 

[bliz]

Million Pieces -

I applaud you and your husband for not throwing out the marriage while you try and work through these issues. Abuse from childhood does not automatically heal itself over time and I'm glad you are getting help for that.

Getting counseling from a friend is not usually too helpful, as you are observing. A friend can't be as objective as is often necessary and has a vested interest in matters. I hope he will find someone else.

 

[leadinglady311]

You know what is so important to recognize here Million Pieces is that the attention that you are craving and feeling like you cannot get from your spouse looks 'so captivating' on the outside. Meaning that co-worker, or friend from next door or whatever who shows you a small percentage of what you are looking for is going to look like pure gold when you get it. Be oh so careful.

Yes, it is so hard to pick up old stuff and repair it, but it's YOUR stuff. When my husband left me, my self esteem was so low, I craved anything at that moment. I thank God I didn't fall too low but I did do things that I know good and well wasn't in my best interest. Oh my goodness, thank God for grace and allowing me to catch myself and get my act together. Yes, I am alone now because my husband is out there doing who knows what, but MY conscious is clear. I'm stepping out on faith and allowing God to be God and do what He see fits. Whether its us getting back together or bringing me a man who will first love Him (God) and love him enough to know that he who finds a wife, finds favor with the Lord and want to be a blessing for me and my kids. I still believe in love, I still believe in God.

Whatever you do, do it with integrity.

 

[Million Pieces]

leadinglady, thanks SO much for your encouragement. That's the largest problem I'm having at this moment, is my self-esteem. I mean, if this man who promised to love and nurture and keep me can fall out of it after a while, how in the world can I think I'm capable of keeping a man now? I'm 20 years older, with the identity and overall abilities of a 20 year old child.

Bless you and bless you for your kindness.

 

[Million Pieces]

Heh. Imagine this! I saw my counselor today, and this topic came up. Surprise, surprise, he doesn't agree with it! I didn't need to be a professional to come up with that one.

He has at least 3 issues with it off the top:

1. It is giving our kids a very harmful view of marriage, and could affect them in their relationships as adults. Really, ya think??

2. This decision was made unilaterally, with no input from the other affected party in the decision. Very selfish and poorly thought out.

3. The biggest one: This is categorically, specifically and deliberately the WRONG thing to do to solve the problems we're facing. NO KIDDING!! This decision of his has done more to damage my self-esteem and confidence and mental health than anything else. And this is exactly what dh is trying to "fix" with this new arrangement. Oi.

Today my counselor gave me a list of 8 words that define a complementary and loving relationship. If these 8 points are met in any relationship, then it will thrive. If any of these are missing, or are ignored, then the relationship will suffer greatly.

Affirmation
Affection
Appreciation
Acceptance
Assurance
Approval
Acknowledgment
Admiration

This is what I'm going to commit to doing:

EVERY day, I am going to deliberately and intentionally do EACH of these things for my husband. I will affirm him, I will show him affection, I will appreciate him, I will accept him, I will assure him, I will show my approval, I will acknowledge him, and I will show my admiration.

I will need to be creative, and it will not always be easy! I will have to think hard about some of them at times. I won't always FEEL it, but I will DO it. I'm getting an accountability partner to work with, to keep me honest and focused.

I am convinced that if I can be diligent with this, that he can be brought around. My love for him will increase exponentially, and I believe with all my heart that he can find his love for me again. Maybe it will be me who will be the start of restoring this marriage.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Today my counselor gave me a list of 8 words that define a complementary and loving relationship. If these 8 points are met in any relationship, then it will thrive. If any of these are missing, or are ignored, then the relationship will suffer greatly.

Affirmation
Affection
Appreciation
Acceptance
Assurance
Approval
Acknowledgment
Admiration

This is what I'm going to commit to doing:

EVERY day, I am going to deliberately and intentionally do EACH of these things for my husband. I will affirm him, I will show him affection, I will appreciate him, I will accept him, I will assure him, I will show my approval, I will acknowledge him, and I will show my admiration.

I will need to be creative, and it will not always be easy! I will have to think hard about some of them at times. I won't always FEEL it, but I will DO it. I'm getting an accountability partner to work with, to keep me honest and focused.

I am convinced that if I can be diligent with this, that he can be brought around. My love for him will increase exponentially, and I believe with all my heart that he can find his love for me again. Maybe it will be me who will be the start of restoring this marriage.

I am so impressed. Usually the only time I hear about someone working this hard on a marriage it's a story in a book. Thank God you are open to doing this.

I was sorry to read your first post, but glad to hear your dh hadn't moved out of the house. I'm glad that you have been seeing someone helpful and hope your dh will find someone capable of helping him. I have become convinced that a licensed Christian therapist is usually a better choice over an unlicensed pastor in relationship issues. Pastors don't become licensed therapists just by becoming a pastor.

I have just prayed for you and your husband.

 

[Million Pieces]

Well yesterday's first attempt ended extraordinarily badly. Let's just say it was VERY badly received, he said it came out sounding more like sucking up than affirmation. *sigh* I can't even do THIS right.

He's out of town for the next 2 days, so it will be much harder. I thought of doing this either by email or by phone or IMs or something while he was gone, but I haven't heard almost a word from him today. He called briefly, to talk to the kids.

I knew it had to be too good of an idea for me to pull off.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Keep doing what you know is right. Satan of course will try to get in the way. My friend said something to me today that sounds like a great idea. She said to praise God constantly every day for something. Satan can't stand to be around that stuff.

 

[TealTuesday]

:*(made me cry.hurts to see this.

 

[Million Pieces]

Well things are improving slightly. He's still downstairs, but I have started to realize that my focus has been in the wrong place. Instead of fighting to get him back, I need to be spending more time adjusting myself, and creating new coping mechanisms. I need to be taking this time to improve myself, and trying to strengthen my esteem.

It's going on the faith that he is still "on my side" and he's STILL HERE.

 

[unkern]

wow, im proud of you. Not many are as noble as you to stick this out, I dont believe God will let this return void, you just keep at it. God be with you.

I hope you get this before it gets reported, im apparently not liked

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Well things are improving slightly. He's still downstairs, but I have started to realize that my focus has been in the wrong place. Instead of fighting to get him back, I need to be spending more time adjusting myself, and creating new coping mechanisms. I need to be taking this time to improve myself, and trying to strengthen my esteem.

It's going on the faith that he is still "on my side" and he's STILL HERE.

That's good to hear

 

[captiveheart]

It's not who you are as much as whose you are. Keep you connection with the Lord tight and let Him guide you and let Him guide your husband.