Separated and hurt

[KaliJasmine7]

Hi everyone. So I've been separated for about 1 month now. I didn't want this separation. My husband and I ate both Christians and have been married 5 years, together 6 and a lot has happened in that time including 2 beautiful girls, 1 miscarriage, and 1 molar pregnancy that caused a tumor and I had to undergo chemo. Okay so anyway my husband just basically lashed out via text one day and then stormed out that same evening. Then I found out he had been texting and calling another woman to which he swore nothing happened and that he was just talking to her about his unhappiness in our marriage and that he had no feelings for her and then begged my forgiveness. So I was angry but we were trying to talk about this. Then I kinda lost it one night, got drunk, hit myself, scratched myself and went off the deep end, then I threw something at him. I repented to the Lord and also asked my husband to forgive me. So we tried talking and stuff again then the next night I couldn't get on his phone because he had it locked so I started freaking out again so he took his ring off and left then came the next day for all of his clothing. He said he wanted a divorce and didn't want to work on anything. I wrote him a letter admitting my short comings in our marriage that God revealed to me but he still wanted a divorce. I asked him calmly several times if there was anyone else and he denied it and acts hurt that i would ever suggest that he is that low of a person. So anyway I basically left him alone except stuff concerning kids or finances. So last week he came over twice to tell me he wanted to work things out and he was sorry he was a jerk, etc Then I didn't hear from him so I texted him to see if he still wanted to work on things and he replied with "Why do you think I want to work on things" so I told him because you said that to me and so then he didn't respond. So then he calls me a couple days ago to ask what kinds of washer I wanted as mine broke so he bought me a new one and I took that opportunity to ask him why he led me on and he said "I wasn't trying to be a jerk, I don't know what I want, I'm all screwed up in the head and wishy washy, I just don't want to be around you and I don't want to talk about it". .....so I don't know what to think or do at this point. I keep praying to God and God is telling me to be patient but this is so hard and so painful!!

 

[Annessa3]

prayers KJ. I can relate, as I may never know what was going on in my husband's head when he asked for a divorce, changed his mind 2 days later, then said it again 3 mos later. He wouldn't talk about his feelings or thoughts.

You can only control You. Give it to God and keep praying & trusting His will will be done.

 

[dayhiker]

SO hard to tell till he is willing to talk about it. There were times in my life when I didn't know what was going on or if I did I didn't know how to put it in words. Felt foolish that I couldn't put it into words.

Lets hope that you both will mature soon enough to start again and get to the other side of this.

 

[DZoolander]

Where were your daughters during your drunken tantrum?

 

[KaliJasmine7]

They were not home. I made A LOT of dumb choices in the beginning out of desperation. I have been working on my own self now for over a month and I am liking myself a whole lot better. I am not perfect nor claim to be but I am a work in progress. I only pray my husband decides to give me another chance but who knows!

 

[DZoolander]

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah, it sounds like there were mis-steps all around. You, ehhh, you need to (and perhaps are) getting a better grasp on your emotions. Him - he ought not be discussing his marital issues with other women. That's a load, too.

How old is he?

 

[KaliJasmine7]

He is going to be 27 this month. He really has always been the most kind, loving, caring, loyal, faithful man until recently. We both had God in our lives when we got married. We had a lot of struggles the first year. He went from making 5k a month to getting laid off and then making 1k a month and I miscarried during that timeframe too. Since then, money has always been an issue and he blames me for most of it which a lot of it was but it isnt all on me either. I just wish I knew what is going through his head. He also works in law enforcement which is a very grim career to be stuck in the jail with all these criminals all the time. He is going to the police academy now so he can get out of the jail but he also has an interview to make a lot of money at a plant but he cannot decide which career path he wants. So all I can do is pray that God keeps trying to reach him but if he won't listen then there's nothing anyone can do. Our pastor has even tried contacting him and he is ignoring him too. He is basically running from God I think.

 

[KaliJasmine7]

There's no part of my being that wants a divorce and I am choosing to just hang in there even when he repeatedly hurts me, although I have set some healthy boundaries as well. I know that if I do everything I can by saying kind words and listening to God's instructions, I will be satisfied that I tried to do whatever I could in the end even if he decides to divorce me. I will be judged in front of God for MY actions, so I am still not giving up and won't until he sends me papers. My family I am pretty sure thinks I am crazy because of my continued endurance in the situation because society is not in favor of working marriages out but I know God is and it is always his will for marriages to work. I have drastic changes about myself that I am making and will continue to make. My walk with God has never been this close, so at least I am learning to rely on God for my needs and not others.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, he's probably feeling overwhelmed and looking for an escape hatch. Most likely he's probably looking at himself and thinking:

"I got married at 21 years old, because I thought I should based upon my understanding of God and love, and got myself in deeper than I understood. Now I'm understanding the depth of the commitment, while facing bills and obligations to both my wife and children that I am having problems paying, and it's too much. Why can't it just be easier? Why couldn't I have just dated around and waited to get married? Maybe if I had done that - like everyone else does - I wouldn't be facing this. Maybe then I could have faced these career issues without feeling the pressure cooker of needing to support children that I love."

etc etc.

That would be my guess.

 

[KaliJasmine7]

Yeah probably so. I mean he married me essentially with "eyes wide open" as I had a daughter that I got pregnant with in high school. His parents even let him know it is hard to date someone who already has a child. He loved her so quickly, so naturally. She has since been legally adopted by him. I just pray he figures it out. It really won't be any easier financially if he divorces me either and I think he thinks it will be easier financially.

 

[KaliJasmine7]

I appreciate your male perspective!

 

[DZoolander]

n/p