Separated and desire to honor the Lord

[Soconfused]

I'm new and need to get out some pent up emotions and heartache. I am hopeful that other Christ followers will pray for me and help guide me.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. It will involve consolidating 13 years of marriage which is very difficult to do. Hopefully you will get a good picture even though i'll leave out many many details.

I married my husband at a young age thinking he was the one even though neither of us knew each other very well. How could i go wrong? We both were believers and wanted to do ministry together. We also both had saved ourselves for marriage. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Right after marrying the problems already started. I caught him in lies and also found out he had a major addiction to porn. When i confronted him (gently) another side of him showed up. His temper. He instilled
fear in me that day. Throughout the years he continued to lie, secrectly look at porn and control me through
his temper and manipulation. The only time he apologized was when he was caught. But he also somehow
would turn it around and blame me. Intimacy decreased rapidly. I felt so dirty because of his porn. I went
from feeling like we saved ourselves for each other to feeling like i was one of thousands of other women he's
"been" with. He never hit me but when angry he would hit objects next to me and storm out slamming doors.

I felt i had to act like everything was fine (submissive wife) and so everyone on the outside thought we were
the "perfect" couple. He has been in leadership at our church the whole marriage so it made it that much
harder to confide in anyone.

I requested marriage counseling but he said we could just work it out on our own and didn't want others in
our church to judge us. I began to have suicidal thoughts and couldn't believe this was my life. That my
dream of growing old with my husband and being blessed with a life partner was shattered.

A year ago i ended up having an affair. I had become completely hopeless in my marriage and confided in a
longtime male friend of mine. That led to emotional connections and eventually led to a physical connection.
We both were convicted about it right away and confessed and ended it. It was so hard to do because we love
each other. But we love God more and knew it was sin and not honoring Him.

My husband says he wants to make the marriage work and went into counseling for himself. I have been in
counseling as well. We are separated right now though.

I am struggling so much. I have absolutely nothing left for my husband. I don't feel angry or bitter towards him. I just feel like i don't have a thing left for him other than raising our kids well. And i am cometely in love with a man i can't ever have. I am heartbroken and wonder if my sin consequence is remaining in an unhappy marriage or being single the rest of my life. If my husband and i divorce i feel i can't return to this other man yet i will struggle to move forward as a single mom and not have him in my life.

I just want to please God so much. I want to live a righteous life. I don't know how to do that in my situation. I don't know what God is calling me to do. Am i to be content in a marriage where there is no intimacy or trust? Or am i to let that marriage go and work towards being content with God as my husband? I don't even know if i can ask for a divorce. I am the one who had an affair.

Heartbroken here. Feeling shame and guilt and lonliness. I appreciate any prayers. Thank you.

 

[Conservativation]

God isn't a husband.

 

[dorig59]

In your husband's counseling, do you think he is really sincere in trying to deal with his problems? IF he is, if he's really trying, then you have a good shot at reconciling. Your desire for the marriage could blossom, I've seen it happen in more drastic cases.

If you do end up divorcing, though, don't beat yourself up over it forever. Repent of your sins sincerely before the Lord & then move on.

 

[mr73140]

I'm new and need to get out some pent up emotions and heartache. I am hopeful that other Christ followers will pray for me and help guide me.

I'll try to make this as short as possible. It will involve consolidating 13 years of marriage which is very difficult to do. Hopefully you will get a good picture even though i'll leave out many many details.

I married my husband at a young age thinking he was the one even though neither of us knew each other very well. How could i go wrong? We both were believers and wanted to do ministry together. We also both had saved ourselves for marriage. It seemed like the right thing to do.

Right after marrying the problems already started. I caught him in lies and also found out he had a major addiction to porn. When i confronted him (gently) another side of him showed up. His temper. He instilled
fear in me that day. Throughout the years he continued to lie, secrectly look at porn and control me through
his temper and manipulation. The only time he apologized was when he was caught. But he also somehow
would turn it around and blame me. Intimacy decreased rapidly. I felt so dirty because of his porn. I went
from feeling like we saved ourselves for each other to feeling like i was one of thousands of other women he's
"been" with. He never hit me but when angry he would hit objects next to me and storm out slamming doors.

I felt i had to act like everything was fine (submissive wife) and so everyone on the outside thought we were
the "perfect" couple. He has been in leadership at our church the whole marriage so it made it that much
harder to confide in anyone.

I requested marriage counseling but he said we could just work it out on our own and didn't want others in
our church to judge us. I began to have suicidal thoughts and couldn't believe this was my life. That my
dream of growing old with my husband and being blessed with a life partner was shattered.

A year ago i ended up having an affair. I had become completely hopeless in my marriage and confided in a
longtime male friend of mine. That led to emotional connections and eventually led to a physical connection.
We both were convicted about it right away and confessed and ended it. It was so hard to do because we love
each other. But we love God more and knew it was sin and not honoring Him.

My husband says he wants to make the marriage work and went into counseling for himself. I have been in
counseling as well. We are separated right now though.

I am struggling so much. I have absolutely nothing left for my husband. I don't feel angry or bitter towards him. I just feel like i don't have a thing left for him other than raising our kids well. And i am cometely in love with a man i can't ever have. I am heartbroken and wonder if my sin consequence is remaining in an unhappy marriage or being single the rest of my life. If my husband and i divorce i feel i can't return to this other man yet i will struggle to move forward as a single mom and not have him in my life.

I just want to please God so much. I want to live a righteous life. I don't know how to do that in my situation. I don't know what God is calling me to do. Am i to be content in a marriage where there is no intimacy or trust? Or am i to let that marriage go and work towards being content with God as my husband? I don't even know if i can ask for a divorce. I am the one who had an affair.

Heartbroken here. Feeling shame and guilt and lonliness. I appreciate any prayers. Thank you.

Pray and ask the Lord for help and guidance. He can heal your heart and rekindle your love for your husband; and save your husband. Always pray and ask the Lord for guidance before making a decision based on feelings.

 

[Soconfused]

Thank you for responding and for your prayers. I think one thing that holds me up, probably the biggest thing, is the combo of the guilt of my sin mixed with the love i have for this other man. He is so kind, slow to anger, and patient. He said he knows we need to stop the relationship and has completely cut me off. But before that he said he will love no other as he has me and that he is praying God will bring us together again someday when it's right.

It's very difficult to even try for a second to work on my messed up "dead" marriage when i am so connected to someone else and know he is patiently praying for us to be together someday if that's God's will.

I also have intense fears of not getting this marriage business right while on earth and that i'll doom myself to hell if i don't have a clear undersanding of what is right and wrong. I've studied both sides of the mdr arguement and the right to divorce/remarry makes more sense to me, since we are imperfect broken humans. But i also don't necessarily trust my limited mind and emotions.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this out. And any more prayers or guidance are appreciated.

 

[Contented]

Sis,

There is nothing that is too difficult for God. Go to God and tell him all. We all have sinned and come short. If you love your husband, ask God to help you to be a faithful wife. You must break all contact with the other man. It is not easy but realise that a third party is causing some of the problems.
Ask God to give you the strength. I have been in a marriage where my spouse was unfaithful we are now divorced.

Keep reading the word and put your trust in God. He will guide you.

Will remember you in my prayers.