This is a poem I wrote for my best friends when I was having my worst problems with self harm, to try and help them understand why I was doing it and how I felt about it. I found it a good way of getting them to accept my problem rather than judging me on it.
My Blood, My Grief, My Pain Relief
He took you away as part of His great plan
I know my loss will be heavens gain,
But that still does nothing for my pain.
And it doesnt mean that each day
Is any easier than the day before.
Every sunset, every dawn, every turn of the tide,
My heart breaks again,
And my pain is renewed.
Grief consumes every fragment of my being,
And I cant stop myself from seeing
That I have to endure the rest of this lifetime without you.
Your voice is here inside my head
Telling me youre near, that its all okay,
But how can it be when this ache wont go away?
I struggle on, trying to be strong,
But tomorrow I must face another day without you by my side.
Ive never been so lonely,
And time goes by so slowly.
The days cannot erase the pain
Forever just isnt long enough.
Im bound to this pain, this grief,
Fated to live alone and afraid
Until the end of the world.
And this is how I find the strength
To take a knife, to cut the skin,
So soft and tender, from deep within
I feel the pain of grief
Emerge from my body in a flow of red.
As I have said, a thousand times,
I could never justify what I do.
I know its wrong as much as you.
But I also know how much it helps.
Because in this eternal grief,
My blood is my pain-relief.
So here I stand, beneath the falling heat
That scalds my body and burns my feet.
I tilt my head back, turn my face up to the sting,
Relieved with the release that this pain brings.
This pain is real, these wounds will heal.
To take the anguish from within and make it real
Is the only way that I can deal
With the misery and torment inside me.
I scream because I hate that it feels so good.
I cry once more,
Tasting the hot salty tears,
Copious, unstoppable, the tears of Mary
As her beloved son suffered to save the rest.
Through the water I can barely see.
Through the pain I can barely feel.
Through the noise I can barely hear.
You linger in my heart and mind, my body and soul.
I even feel your presence here,
And sense your spirit standing near,
As the water runs red and my pain runs clear.
My Blood, My Grief, My Pain Relief
He took you away as part of His great plan
I know my loss will be heavens gain,
But that still does nothing for my pain.
And it doesnt mean that each day
Is any easier than the day before.
Every sunset, every dawn, every turn of the tide,
My heart breaks again,
And my pain is renewed.
Grief consumes every fragment of my being,
And I cant stop myself from seeing
That I have to endure the rest of this lifetime without you.
Your voice is here inside my head
Telling me youre near, that its all okay,
But how can it be when this ache wont go away?
I struggle on, trying to be strong,
But tomorrow I must face another day without you by my side.
Ive never been so lonely,
And time goes by so slowly.
The days cannot erase the pain
Forever just isnt long enough.
Im bound to this pain, this grief,
Fated to live alone and afraid
Until the end of the world.
And this is how I find the strength
To take a knife, to cut the skin,
So soft and tender, from deep within
I feel the pain of grief
Emerge from my body in a flow of red.
As I have said, a thousand times,
I could never justify what I do.
I know its wrong as much as you.
But I also know how much it helps.
Because in this eternal grief,
My blood is my pain-relief.
So here I stand, beneath the falling heat
That scalds my body and burns my feet.
I tilt my head back, turn my face up to the sting,
Relieved with the release that this pain brings.
This pain is real, these wounds will heal.
To take the anguish from within and make it real
Is the only way that I can deal
With the misery and torment inside me.
I scream because I hate that it feels so good.
I cry once more,
Tasting the hot salty tears,
Copious, unstoppable, the tears of Mary
As her beloved son suffered to save the rest.
Through the water I can barely see.
Through the pain I can barely feel.
Through the noise I can barely hear.
You linger in my heart and mind, my body and soul.
I even feel your presence here,
And sense your spirit standing near,
As the water runs red and my pain runs clear.
