LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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It's a good thing I was there to see my psychologist. That session was badly needed.
Background, I've only been driving for a little over two years. Then the amount of practice I can get is limited because I can't see after dark. Which means, where I live, essentially no winter driving because sunset can come around 4:30 PM. Every spring it's like learning all over again. Well, it's not spring now, and this past season I've been doing more driving than in the previous years. Up until now I've had very few places to go, but that's starting to pick up. Yet I'm *still* not confident in myself. I start to be, and then something happens, and it's a major setback for my anxiety level.
Actually I had two appointments at the clinic today, one for a routine test and the later one with my psychologist. I had to blow off the routine test because this happened, and it became priority.
I got to the clinic, parked, took the keys out of the ignition and *thought* I was putting them in my purse on the passenger seat next to me. I missed. They didn't land in my purse. They landed on the seat behind my purse. So now the car is locked, and the keys are visible on the seat. I didn't want anyone to break in, get the keys, steal the car, and then have my house keys too. I had to act right away. My husband has a key to my car, but he was at work. He drives a bus. It's not like he could come right over and unlock my car. The security guard told me the only thing they could do was call a towing service. They came immediately and got my car open, but at a cost of approximately $65.
Most of my session was spent talking about how afraid I was that my husband is going to be angry. I knew he wouldn't be abusive. He wouldn't hit me or call me names. But I was quite certain he'd grumble and swear under his breath. In fact, he called while I was posting this, and yes he is angry. However, he's making it plain he's angry about the situation, not at me personally, and I don't think he actually swore. He's only frustrated because this is an unexpected expense that he's now going to have to figure out how to pay. As it is, he's been working as much overtime as he can get, trying to get caught up, and these things just keep on happening. It's like he takes two steps backward for every one forward.
I don't allow myself human error. That has everything to do with PTSD, because I know in my childhood and in my first marriage, I would have been roasted over an open fire for making any kind of mistake. And all I can tell myself, despite assurances from my psychologist and from my husband, is that he doesn't deserve someone who's disabled and defective and keeps costing him money and causing him problems. He deserves someone who can be an equal partner with him and help make his burden easier. Isn't that what the biblical "helpmate" is supposed to do?
Background, I've only been driving for a little over two years. Then the amount of practice I can get is limited because I can't see after dark. Which means, where I live, essentially no winter driving because sunset can come around 4:30 PM. Every spring it's like learning all over again. Well, it's not spring now, and this past season I've been doing more driving than in the previous years. Up until now I've had very few places to go, but that's starting to pick up. Yet I'm *still* not confident in myself. I start to be, and then something happens, and it's a major setback for my anxiety level.
Actually I had two appointments at the clinic today, one for a routine test and the later one with my psychologist. I had to blow off the routine test because this happened, and it became priority.
I got to the clinic, parked, took the keys out of the ignition and *thought* I was putting them in my purse on the passenger seat next to me. I missed. They didn't land in my purse. They landed on the seat behind my purse. So now the car is locked, and the keys are visible on the seat. I didn't want anyone to break in, get the keys, steal the car, and then have my house keys too. I had to act right away. My husband has a key to my car, but he was at work. He drives a bus. It's not like he could come right over and unlock my car. The security guard told me the only thing they could do was call a towing service. They came immediately and got my car open, but at a cost of approximately $65.
Most of my session was spent talking about how afraid I was that my husband is going to be angry. I knew he wouldn't be abusive. He wouldn't hit me or call me names. But I was quite certain he'd grumble and swear under his breath. In fact, he called while I was posting this, and yes he is angry. However, he's making it plain he's angry about the situation, not at me personally, and I don't think he actually swore. He's only frustrated because this is an unexpected expense that he's now going to have to figure out how to pay. As it is, he's been working as much overtime as he can get, trying to get caught up, and these things just keep on happening. It's like he takes two steps backward for every one forward.
I don't allow myself human error. That has everything to do with PTSD, because I know in my childhood and in my first marriage, I would have been roasted over an open fire for making any kind of mistake. And all I can tell myself, despite assurances from my psychologist and from my husband, is that he doesn't deserve someone who's disabled and defective and keeps costing him money and causing him problems. He deserves someone who can be an equal partner with him and help make his burden easier. Isn't that what the biblical "helpmate" is supposed to do?
