Seeking break-up advice - very confusing situation

[William87]

Hello.

I am a longtime reader of these forums. I finally decided to create an account and seek some advice from my fellow Christians about relationship break-ups and heartache.

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We broke up 2 weeks ago. The break-up happened after a fight about different priorities in the relationship. I wanted to get more serious, and she was wanting to keep the relationship "day-by-day" and live in the moment/enjoy each others company.

There is a reason for her hesitation. I made a terrible mistake and cheated on her early in the relationship. Unfortunately, I took her for granted and I wasn't committed to Christian morality at that time. I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to break-up with me at the time.

She, however decided to stay.

Her trust and faith in me was very damaged, but nevertheless, we decided to stay together and try and make the relationship work. The agreement was to focus on the future and positive experiences. This went well initially for the first 12 months, but as time went on I began to feel the relationship stagnate. She was also increasingly distancing herself and spending more time with friends, however we would still be staying together most nights and she was affectionate. She still told me she loved me, and she was impressed with how much I had changed. She said she had learned to love the "new me."

But the relationship wasn't going anywhere, or so I felt. It felt unstable. She wasn't agitating for seriousness, and instead seemed to be increasingly building a life away from me - seeing friends much more regularly (previously we were inseperable).

I prompted the fight that led to the break-up. She initiated sex that morning, but I stopped and said that it "didn't feel right." I then left my apartment and went for a drive to cool-off. She called me and asked me to come back. I came back, but I wasn't able to relax around her. I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

This wasn't a surprise for her. She knew I wanted to get more serious and we had a few fights about this in the past. She always fought for me. But this time was different.

To my surprise, she agreed and said "let's stop." I got angry and told her to pack-up her stuff and go. This was an angry moment where I let fly some hurtful remarks. I told her if she left now then she would never see me again. This was manipulative of me. I wanted her to fight for me. I gambled and I lost.

She left my apartment and I was left in a stunned silence. "She's gone" I thought to myself.

This is where things start to get strange..

After she left my apartment, I went to a local restaurant to have a meal. She called me in an upset voice and started talking about how she felt bad for stringing me along, how sad she feels and how she feels very sorry for me.

I wasn't in the mood. I needed space so I cut the conversation short by saying "I'm in a busy restaurant now, I can't talk about this."

She immediately got angry - "Who are you with?!?"

I hung up. I finished my meal and went home. My doorbell rings. I meet her outside my apartment door and she accuses me of lying about where I was. I told her I had just arrived home from the restaurant. We hug, there are tears from her, but she leaves. I go inside my apartment. Suddenly the door flings open and she is looking into my room, expecting to find a girl in there. She seemed surprised to find me standing there alone.

Again, we hug and I tell her to not be upset and make sure she drives safely. She leaves to go and meet her friend. I was privately annoyed that she didn't stay to try and work things out.

This is the last time I saw her in person. She stayed at her friend's place that night and I believe she is getting strong support from friends during this break-up.

2 nights later she calls me and says "My friends say I shouldn't talk to you at all."

I am annoyed that she is trying to position me between her and her friends. I don't entertain the conversation and tell her that I need space and that i'll talk to her in a few days if she wants to. She calls me again and I ignore it.

The next night she calls me 3 times in a row and I ignore them. This is the last time she attempted to contact me. It was nearly 2 weeks ago now.

A few days after she last contacted me, I sent her a text message. It was a photo of us from earlier, happier times with a caption saying "it couldn't last forever." Again, I wanted her to fight for me.

No response.

I wait 3 or 4 more days. She is silent. No response.

On about the 4th day of silence, I drive past her apartment and see her car is there. I impulsively stop, get out of my car and go and ring her doorbell twice. No answer. I try to call her. I'm blocked. I text her to say I'm just checking if she's ok. No response.

I walk away bewildered.

The next day I sent her an email letting her know that I love her, but I respect her decision and will cherish our memories. I wanted to appear strong, not beg, but also let her know that the door is wide open for her to come back.

I maintain silence for 3 more days, and then I unfortunately went crazy. I tried to call her on whatsapp, facebook, and from a different number. This was all in the space of an afternoon. She blocked me immediately on all these mediums.

It has now been 4 days since this incident and I'm trying to move on. I haven't contacted her since then.

However, I am struggling with obsessive thinking now. Has anyone experience this behaviour before from an ex?

The abruptness of her "Cold turkey" is frightening. I presume her friends are helping her, or she's met another guy. Another possibility is she is trying to punish me.

Can any wise Christians please help me to understand what is going on, and what I am going through now?

I have never been broken-up with like this before, let alone blocked.

My goal at the moment is to try and focus on other things, and wait to see if she ever contacts me again.

....But the waiting is killing me. I know this relationship is over, on one level. But for some reason I don't have closure. How can someone just disappear like this, and aggressively block me everywhere?

 

[AllDayFaith]

How can someone just disappear like this, and aggressively block me everywhere?

It gets easy with practice.

 

[William87]

It gets easy with practice.

Well, if it's this easy for her then good for her I guess. I'll just have to accept that I'm the chump, and try to repair my broken self now.

 

[AllDayFaith]

Well, if it's this easy for her then good for her I guess. I'll just have to accept that I'm the chump, and try to repair my broken self now.

Why so dramatic? You do realize that your words have power? When you say things like, "I'm the chump," you start to feel that way. No you are not broken, you have to soldier through this ordeal on the positive side. I know it's easy for me to give advice, I'm only a man. I just don't want to see you defeat yourself with those kinds of thoughts.

 

[William87]

Why so dramatic? You do realize that your words have power? When you say things like, "I'm the chump," you start to feel that way. No you are not broken, you have to soldier through this ordeal on the positive side. I know it's easy for me to give advice, I'm only a man. I just don't want to see you defeat yourself with those kinds of thoughts.

I appreciate the words of support.

I suppose there's a wounded ego involved here. Also, the mystery of why she suddenly cut-off all contact and blocked me. It just seems so cruel.

 

[AllDayFaith]

It just seems so cruel.

You are not alone in your struggles.

 

[Tolworth John]

Hello.

I am a longtime reader of these forums. I finally decided to create an account and seek some advice from my fellow Christians about relationship break-ups and heartache.

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We broke up 2 weeks ago. The break-up happened after a fight about different priorities in the relationship. I wanted to get more serious, and she was wanting to keep the relationship "day-by-day" and live in the moment/enjoy each others company.

There is a reason for her hesitation. I made a terrible mistake and cheated on her early in the relationship. Unfortunately, I took her for granted and I wasn't committed to Christian morality at that time. I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to break-up with me at the time.

She, however decided to stay.

Her trust and faith in me was very damaged, but nevertheless, we decided to stay together and try and make the relationship work. The agreement was to focus on the future and positive experiences. This went well initially for the first 12 months, but as time went on I began to feel the relationship stagnate. She was also increasingly distancing herself and spending more time with friends, however we would still be staying together most nights and she was affectionate. She still told me she loved me, and she was impressed with how much I had changed. She said she had learned to love the "new me."

But the relationship wasn't going anywhere, or so I felt. It felt unstable. She wasn't agitating for seriousness, and instead seemed to be increasingly building a life away from me - seeing friends much more regularly (previously we were inseperable).

I prompted the fight that led to the break-up. She initiated sex that morning, but I stopped and said that it "didn't feel right." I then left my apartment and went for a drive to cool-off. She called me and asked me to come back. I came back, but I wasn't able to relax around her. I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

This wasn't a surprise for her. She knew I wanted to get more serious and we had a few fights about this in the past. She always fought for me. But this time was different.

To my surprise, she agreed and said "let's stop." I got angry and told her to pack-up her stuff and go. This was an angry moment where I let fly some hurtful remarks. I told her if she left now then she would never see me again. This was manipulative of me. I wanted her to fight for me. I gambled and I lost.

She left my apartment and I was left in a stunned silence. "She's gone" I thought to myself.

This is where things start to get strange..

After she left my apartment, I went to a local restaurant to have a meal. She called me in an upset voice and started talking about how she felt bad for stringing me along, how sad she feels and how she feels very sorry for me.

I wasn't in the mood. I needed space so I cut the conversation short by saying "I'm in a busy restaurant now, I can't talk about this."

She immediately got angry - "Who are you with?!?"

I hung up. I finished my meal and went home. My doorbell rings. I meet her outside my apartment door and she accuses me of lying about where I was. I told her I had just arrived home from the restaurant. We hug, there are tears from her, but she leaves. I go inside my apartment. Suddenly the door flings open and she is looking into my room, expecting to find a girl in there. She seemed surprised to find me standing there alone.

Again, we hug and I tell her to not be upset and make sure she drives safely. She leaves to go and meet her friend. I was privately annoyed that she didn't stay to try and work things out.

This is the last time I saw her in person. She stayed at her friend's place that night and I believe she is getting strong support from friends during this break-up.

2 nights later she calls me and says "My friends say I shouldn't talk to you at all."

I am annoyed that she is trying to position me between her and her friends. I don't entertain the conversation and tell her that I need space and that i'll talk to her in a few days if she wants to. She calls me again and I ignore it.

The next night she calls me 3 times in a row and I ignore them. This is the last time she attempted to contact me. It was nearly 2 weeks ago now.

A few days after she last contacted me, I sent her a text message. It was a photo of us from earlier, happier times with a caption saying "it couldn't last forever." Again, I wanted her to fight for me.

No response.

I wait 3 or 4 more days. She is silent. No response.

On about the 4th day of silence, I drive past her apartment and see her car is there. I impulsively stop, get out of my car and go and ring her doorbell twice. No answer. I try to call her. I'm blocked. I text her to say I'm just checking if she's ok. No response.

I walk away bewildered.

The next day I sent her an email letting her know that I love her, but I respect her decision and will cherish our memories. I wanted to appear strong, not beg, but also let her know that the door is wide open for her to come back.

I maintain silence for 3 more days, and then I unfortunately went crazy. I tried to call her on whatsapp, facebook, and from a different number. This was all in the space of an afternoon. She blocked me immediately on all these mediums.

It has now been 4 days since this incident and I'm trying to move on. I haven't contacted her since then.

However, I am struggling with obsessive thinking now. Has anyone experience this behaviour before from an ex?

The abruptness of her "Cold turkey" is frightening. I presume her friends are helping her, or she's met another guy. Another possibility is she is trying to punish me.

Can any wise Christians please help me to understand what is going on, and what I am going through now?

I have never been broken-up with like this before, let alone blocked.

My goal at the moment is to try and focus on other things, and wait to see if she ever contacts me again.

....But the waiting is killing me. I know this relationship is over, on one level. But for some reason I don't have closure. How can someone just disappear like this, and aggressively block me everywhere?

I m sorry for your heart ache.
You are grieving for ways been lost so am time to grieve.

Also learn from this experience, there has to be open and honest communication between couples and in a Christian relationship sex is reserved for marriage.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I appreciate the words of support.

I suppose there's a wounded ego involved here. Also, the mystery of why she suddenly cut-off all contact and blocked me. It just seems so cruel.

Who cares why she blocked you?

Look. You found out exactly what she meant to you really early on, and that was exactly nothing.

You spent every day afterward learning that without a physical relationship you had no relationship. I find it doubtful either one of you really like one another, in absence of a physical relationship. If you did, you'd be loving ones another's company.

Move on. Now it really is just wounded pride but pride is a worthless emotion.

Find someone you can be around without sex, and whose company you enjoy so much that sex doesn't matter and the lack thereof has zero impact on the relationship.

 

[A_Thinker]

Hello.

I am a longtime reader of these forums. I finally decided to create an account and seek some advice from my fellow Christians about relationship break-ups and heartache.

I have been in a relationship for 2.5 years. We broke up 2 weeks ago. The break-up happened after a fight about different priorities in the relationship. I wanted to get more serious, and she was wanting to keep the relationship "day-by-day" and live in the moment/enjoy each others company.

There is a reason for her hesitation. I made a terrible mistake and cheated on her early in the relationship. Unfortunately, I took her for granted and I wasn't committed to Christian morality at that time. I make no excuses for this behaviour and I fully expected her to break-up with me at the time.

She, however decided to stay.

Her trust and faith in me was very damaged, but nevertheless, we decided to stay together and try and make the relationship work. The agreement was to focus on the future and positive experiences. This went well initially for the first 12 months, but as time went on I began to feel the relationship stagnate. She was also increasingly distancing herself and spending more time with friends, however we would still be staying together most nights and she was affectionate. She still told me she loved me, and she was impressed with how much I had changed. She said she had learned to love the "new me."

But the relationship wasn't going anywhere, or so I felt. It felt unstable. She wasn't agitating for seriousness, and instead seemed to be increasingly building a life away from me - seeing friends much more regularly (previously we were inseperable).

I prompted the fight that led to the break-up. She initiated sex that morning, but I stopped and said that it "didn't feel right." I then left my apartment and went for a drive to cool-off. She called me and asked me to come back. I came back, but I wasn't able to relax around her. I finally came out with the truth. I said - "Even though breaking up with you is the right thing for me, I am scared of how much I'll miss you."

This wasn't a surprise for her. She knew I wanted to get more serious and we had a few fights about this in the past. She always fought for me. But this time was different.

To my surprise, she agreed and said "let's stop." I got angry and told her to pack-up her stuff and go. This was an angry moment where I let fly some hurtful remarks. I told her if she left now then she would never see me again. This was manipulative of me. I wanted her to fight for me. I gambled and I lost.

She left my apartment and I was left in a stunned silence. "She's gone" I thought to myself.

This is where things start to get strange..

After she left my apartment, I went to a local restaurant to have a meal. She called me in an upset voice and started talking about how she felt bad for stringing me along, how sad she feels and how she feels very sorry for me.

I wasn't in the mood. I needed space so I cut the conversation short by saying "I'm in a busy restaurant now, I can't talk about this."

She immediately got angry - "Who are you with?!?"

I hung up. I finished my meal and went home. My doorbell rings. I meet her outside my apartment door and she accuses me of lying about where I was. I told her I had just arrived home from the restaurant. We hug, there are tears from her, but she leaves. I go inside my apartment. Suddenly the door flings open and she is looking into my room, expecting to find a girl in there. She seemed surprised to find me standing there alone.

Again, we hug and I tell her to not be upset and make sure she drives safely. She leaves to go and meet her friend. I was privately annoyed that she didn't stay to try and work things out.

This is the last time I saw her in person. She stayed at her friend's place that night and I believe she is getting strong support from friends during this break-up.

2 nights later she calls me and says "My friends say I shouldn't talk to you at all."

I am annoyed that she is trying to position me between her and her friends. I don't entertain the conversation and tell her that I need space and that i'll talk to her in a few days if she wants to. She calls me again and I ignore it.

The next night she calls me 3 times in a row and I ignore them. This is the last time she attempted to contact me. It was nearly 2 weeks ago now.

A few days after she last contacted me, I sent her a text message. It was a photo of us from earlier, happier times with a caption saying "it couldn't last forever." Again, I wanted her to fight for me.

No response.

I wait 3 or 4 more days. She is silent. No response.

On about the 4th day of silence, I drive past her apartment and see her car is there. I impulsively stop, get out of my car and go and ring her doorbell twice. No answer. I try to call her. I'm blocked. I text her to say I'm just checking if she's ok. No response.

I walk away bewildered.

The next day I sent her an email letting her know that I love her, but I respect her decision and will cherish our memories. I wanted to appear strong, not beg, but also let her know that the door is wide open for her to come back.

I maintain silence for 3 more days, and then I unfortunately went crazy. I tried to call her on whatsapp, facebook, and from a different number. This was all in the space of an afternoon. She blocked me immediately on all these mediums.

It has now been 4 days since this incident and I'm trying to move on. I haven't contacted her since then.

However, I am struggling with obsessive thinking now. Has anyone experience this behaviour before from an ex?

The abruptness of her "Cold turkey" is frightening. I presume her friends are helping her, or she's met another guy. Another possibility is she is trying to punish me.

Can any wise Christians please help me to understand what is going on, and what I am going through now?

I have never been broken-up with like this before, let alone blocked.

My goal at the moment is to try and focus on other things, and wait to see if she ever contacts me again.

....But the waiting is killing me. I know this relationship is over, on one level. But for some reason I don't have closure. How can someone just disappear like this, and aggressively block me everywhere?

Just for future reference ...

An outline of your breakup experience ...

YOU initiate and insist on the breakup

YOU are non-communicative for two weeks afterward

Suddenly, YOU decide that you want to communicate

Unfortunately, SHE is no longer interested in communicating with you

SHE blocks all of your communication attempts

And, all through the process, YOU want HER to fight for YOU

Think about that for a while ...

On reflection, it sounds like you came to a reasonable decision to end the relationship ... when it became apparent that the two of you wanted DIFFERENT things (for now).

You went through the process of ending things (though you secretly hoped that she would overcome your resolve by "fighting for you"). Your resolve then broke after about 2 weeks ... and you tried to reconnect with her. By then, she had come to agree with you about moving on.

It's not really that confusing ...

 

[William87]

Just for future reference ...

An outline of your breakup experience ...

YOU initiate and insist on the breakup

YOU are non-communicative for two weeks afterward

Suddenly, YOU decide that you want to communicate

Unfortunately, SHE is no longer interested in communicating with you

SHE blocks all of your communication attempts

And, all through the process, YOU want HER to fight for YOU

Think about that for a while ...

On reflection, it sounds like you came to a reasonable decision to end the relationship ... when it became apparent that the two of you wanted DIFFERENT things (for now).

You went through the process of ending things (though you secretly hoped that she would overcome your resolve by "fighting for you"). Your resolve then broke after about 2 weeks ... and you tried to reconnect with her. By then, she had come to agree with you about moving on.

It's not really that confusing ...

You don't understand relationship dynamics and attraction.

I wanted to get more serious with this girl. I wanted us to get a place together and think about planning a family. She was stalling me on this and she needed more time because she sees herself as a character from Sex and the City (free, independent, cosmopolitan woman). If I continued to push this matter then I would have just pushed her away further. She has the power because I wanted something that she wasn't giving me. And she loved it.

I was forced into a position where I had to pretend I was okay with waiting for her will she wasted time doing yoga and going to dinners with her friends, without making any plans for our future. That's obviously a miserable existence for me. So what I decided to do was orchestrate a fake break and see if she really wanted this or not. She could have easily stopped it from happening, but she immediately latched onto the opportunity to leave me.

What is happening now is she is experiencing life without me. She is in a relief period. At some point she will get curious and start to miss me. I believe that our relationship had enough good things in it that she will experience "dumpers regret" at some point.

Unfortunately for her, by the time she starts to miss me, maybe months from now, I would have already moved on. That will be her tragedy, and that's just too bad

 

[A_Thinker]

You don't understand relationship dynamics and attraction.

Really ?

I've been successfully married for 20 years ...

So what I decided to do was orchestrate a fake break and see if she really wanted this or not.

So ... you tried MANIPULATION. That really worked, didn't it ?

Your girl was fortunate to get away ...

Unfortunately for her, by the time she starts to miss me, maybe months from now, I would have already moved on. That will be her tragedy, and that's just too bad

Just WOW ...

 

[William87]

Really ?

I've been successfully married for 20 years ...


So ... you tried MANIPULATION. That really worked, didn't it ?

Your girl was fortunate to get away ...

Just WOW ...

....So you have no experience with break-ups.

What's wrong with manipulation? Women manipulate and test men all the time and that is considered normal. Why wouldn't I want to test the fidelity of the woman I am investing my love in? The test paid off because it showed me she's not serious. I could have wasted years in this relationship waiting for her mind to drift away from yoga, and towards family-creation and commitment.

For a man in such a long and committed relationship, you sure are fast to cast stones of judgement.

 

[A_Thinker]

....So you have no experience with break-ups.

You're being presumptive. I've experienced a couple of breakups, ... one, which it took me quite a while to come to terms with.

For a man in such a long and committed relationship, you sure are fast to cast stones of judgement.

All I said (originally) ... was that it looked like you finally made a decision to end a relationship which wasn't going anywhere.

You responded by surmising that I have no experience with the ups and downs of relationships. You're the one who's being judgmental.

The point of my comments was to HELP YOU perhaps avoid repeating your past mistakes. I would suggest that you take a more mature and transparent approach ... and lose the judgment and manipulation.

Perhaps you can avoid a future similar result ... of FEIGNING a breakup, ... and, then, being surprised that you don't get what you want ...

 

[William87]

You're being presumptive. I've experienced a couple of breakups, ... one, which it took me quite a while to come to terms with.

All I said (originally) ... was that it looked like you finally made a decision to end a relationship which wasn't going anywhere.

You responded by surmising that I have no experience with the ups and downs of relationships. You're the one who's being judgmental.

The point of my comments was to HELP YOU perhaps avoid repeating your past mistakes. I would suggest that you take a more mature and transparent approach ... and lose the judgment and manipulation.

Perhaps you can avoid a future similar result ... of FEIGNING a breakup, ... and, then, being surprised that you don't get what you want ...

I do appreciate you and your advice. If I have alienated you with my words, it's because I am going through the "anger" stage of the grief process. This is also my first break-up, so these are all new emotions I have never experienced for.

I apologise for assuming you hadn't experienced heartbreak. From what I have read, and from what you confirm too, this can take a long time to recover from.

God bless you.

 

[Elliewaves]

It sounds like it was a very unhealthy relationship. You both need to heal and move on. Learn how to be better in a relationship before getting in the next one.

 

[TassiaNico]

What's wrong with manipulation? Women manipulate and test men all the time and that is considered normal. Why wouldn't I want to test the fidelity of the woman I am investing my love in? The test paid off because it showed me she's not serious. I could have wasted years in this relationship waiting for her mind to drift away from yoga, and towards family-creation and commitment.

Do you hear yourself? You want to 'test the fidelity' of someone you cheated on?? Also, in kindergarten we learn, two wrongs don't make a right. It doesn't matter if some woman tested a man, that doesn't excuse your wrongdoing.

I'm sorry, but to me you both sound very dramatic and perhaps not mature enough to be dating at this point.

Once you cheated, it was over. People can forgive, but they don't forget, and it is incredibly difficult - usually impossible - to rebuild a bond like that after it is broken. People married for decades divorce as a result of cheating in most cases, and you were only dating. She probably loved you very much and tried to give a second chance, but simply couldn't trust you after what you'd done. The correct thing for her to do would've been to say goodbye at the point, but instead she hung on. Maybe she felt obligated, maybe she thought she would work through her jealousy and insecurity, or maybe she just didn't want to be alone, but it was doomed by that point and should've ended there.

That you would get angry at her for accepting your decision to break up strikes me as bizarre. You announced you were breaking up, all she did was agree. The fact you got angry with her for not fighting for you shows you are pretty out of touch with what she was feeling. Why would she fight for someone who hadn't fought off temptation for her? You were manipulating and playing mind games with her, telling her you were leaving to bait her and maintaining contact in order to provoke her. You knew she suffered insecurity and jealousy since you cheated on her, yet didn't clarify you were alone when she was plainly hurt and worried. It's like you enjoyed pushing her buttons. Sending her the picture with the sad caption is textbook emotional blackmail. Blocking you and going no contact was exactly the right move for her health and sanity. I wouldn't expect her back unless she is in a very unhealthy mindset. The relationship sounds terribly unhealthy and wouldn't last long even if she did return.