scraps of memory

[spazlegs]

I'm a bit hosed up right now. I'm remembering some things kind of vividly.

I remember my abuser and I taking a bath together and us bouncing around naked on our parents bed acting like superman and batman with our towels as capes and our mom asking us why we were twitching at bit down below. I don't understand anything at ten, and say I don't know. He says the same with as wink at mom. I didn't understand the wink then, still don't

Then the morning after the final incident, where my abuser induced me and another boy in the neighborhood to run around the basement naked, probably for his own amusement. Then he got the boys sisters to come down to look at us like that. We huddled up in a corner and held a blanket over us. The next morning all my mom said was "I never thought my sons would grow up to be like that" I was crushed and didn't know what to think. Dad never did talk about it, but he sure acted mad.

I wish there was something like this forum when I was a kid. I wish there was an awareness of the problems when I was a kid.

Sorry if I bothered anyone. I'm pretty much damaged goods right now. Feel like the gunk in the sink trap right now.

 

[RuthD]

I am praying for you.

 

[secretshadows618]

You're more than the gunk in the sink trap to me spazlegs. You're a strong man who I can say has made a difference in my life. And thats just me! Who knows how many people you've helped. I'm praying for you

Sarah

 

[spazlegs]

Kind of interesting how a couple of days of thinking and praying about this post, I was able to give it up completely to God and the pain is gone. Memory still there, but no power over me. Neat.

 

[Mayflower1]

the only thing good about these sort of memories, is they don't have any power over us anymore. praying for you spaz. Shara

 

[Criada]

Only just saw this. I'm glad you have found a way of coping with the memories. I don't think they ever go away, but they can lose their power over us.
Hope that things continue to get better

 

[spazlegs]

Yeah, things that are over and done or so we think, can rise up and smother us at times. I've pretty much gotten over it with my abuser, but there is really no relationship.

Mom has never been one to admit fault and the one or two times I tried to talk with her about such things were disasters. She is ill now and these things will never be resolved with her.

I do feel sad about that, but I know my Lord, and I know His heart. I am clumsy, and I am foolish, and I tell people too much too easily and make them uncomfortable, but God is so very good, and if my stupidity makes people say, yeah, well if God can do something with that messed up booger, He can help me.

I sometimes post in depression and sometimes in borderline personality disorder because looking at things and how I feel and how I was abused, those fit the best.
Hah, if there was a forum for claustrophobes I would be there too, I got locked in the closet and towels and tape put around it so often that if a space is too close I really start to sweat. Those flying cigar tubes they call planes can be a challenge at times too. Kind of a messed up booger aren't I.