Scars, Perception and what we should do about it

[memoriesbymichelle]

Alot of us have scars. Some are physical, and some are emotional.
Scars are not who you are, they are the story of where you have been.


Perception has to do with the senses and what we see.

Alot of times people are wrong about their perceptions.


Some of us would like to be blemish free inside and out, and of course that won't happen until eternity. Some of us hide our scars whether physical or emotional. Others don't care one way or the other.
Some people have a strong reaction to severe physical or emotional scars in others.

What should we do about any of this?

 

[dayhiker]

For the most part I accept everyone I meet for who they are.
I don't spend much time trying to fix others unless they ask me. Then I will give it a shot. But even then some aren't interested what I think would help them. So here and there I state my observations about what has helped me. Others can do with my 2 cents what they will.

 

[MennoII]

Alot of us have scars. Some are physical, and some are emotional.
Scars are not who you are, they are the story of where you have been.


Perception has to do with the senses and what we see.

Alot of times people are wrong about their perceptions.


Some of us would like to be blemish free inside and out, and of course that won't happen until eternity. Some of us hide our scars whether physical or emotional. Others don't care one way or the other.
Some people have a strong reaction to severe physical or emotional scars in others.

What should we do about any of this?

Oh I was so hoping there would be more replies to this thread. But thanks Michelle and Dayhiker, I really enjoyed your responses.

Trying to figure out what to do with a couple of deep wounds in my life right now.

 

[redblue22]

I recently burned my leg. It isn't bad, but I did it because I had a little too much to drink. It hurts, but it will heal. A friend of mine bandaged me up while I was asleep.

The deeper scars are inside. I think about times I was burned metaphoritcally. Again, it is the love of others that has bandaged me up while I heal. I normally don't talk about negative things, but I brought up in church how I was burned in my last church and I felt so guilty. I apologized but they let me know it was ok to talk. I was really quite ashamed talking about other Christians, but it did so help to know they understood and cared and that no one thought bad of me. I was also glad I didn't name names or where though. It still stings inside, but they helped bandage me up inside just by loving me and letting me know it was ok.

fiinally, there is an old friend who hurt me but I decided to continue with. the other day I found a place of peace inside with them and told them how I forgave them and wanted to continue being firiends. my choice to forgive brought us both a sense of peace and healing.

none of these are related to one another, and in each case there will be a scar and I will move forward a little slower in each case. but I think things will be ok. I also thank you as my reader for listening. I feel a sense of peace just knowing I am free to share here with kind ears. in all cases it is the love of others that really made the difference. and ultimately Christ is the source of all healing because of His love and His love in others.

 

[blackribbon]

A scar is an old wound that has healed. If the wound was cared for properly, then the scar will be less obvious and less disfiguring than one that was ignored and allowed to heal on its own. Often what we call "scars", are really wounds that we have never allowed to heal properly. If so, it might be time to actually address the wound and come up with a plan to help it heal. The longer it has been allowed to fester, the more care it may need...it may need someone to come in and remove the rotted out materials and cleaned down to the point where it is a fresh raw (but clean) wound again. When the wound is emotional, it can be done by getting real close to God...but because we are created as social creatures, it is often best to find competent trained and Christian counselors to help us come up with a plan to allow the wound to heal cleaning and with minimal impact.

Pride is a sin. It often gets in the way of allowing healing. We believe that we can fix ourselves and avoid being vulnerable to others. However, too many people believe that it is a sign of strength and Godliness. There is absolutely no verse in the Bible to match the often quoted verse "God helps those that help themselves." However, the problem is that often the people we trust do not act the way God calls us to behave...so this has to be a place where you "let go, let God"...and believe that even if you are hurt by another, it is somehow a part of God's big plan.

Most often it is through the experiences in life that scar us that we become the best testimonies. I mean, who wants dieting advice from someone who has never had to struggle with food in their life?

 

[MennoII]

A scar is an old wound that has healed. If the wound was cared for properly, then the scar will be less obvious and less disfiguring than one that was ignored and allowed to heal on its own. Often what we call "scars", are really wounds that we have never allowed to heal properly. If so, it might be time to actually address the wound and come up with a plan to help it heal. The longer it has been allowed to fester, the more care it may need...it may need someone to come in and remove the rotted out materials and cleaned down to the point where it is a fresh raw (but clean) wound again. When the wound is emotional, it can be done by getting real close to God...but because we are created as social creatures, it is often best to find competent trained and Christian counselors to help us come up with a plan to allow the wound to heal cleaning and with minimal impact.

Pride is a sin. It often gets in the way of allowing healing. We believe that we can fix ourselves and avoid being vulnerable to others. However, too many people believe that it is a sign of strength and Godliness. There is absolutely no verse in the Bible to match the often quoted verse "God helps those that help themselves." However, the problem is that often the people we trust do not act the way God calls us to behave...so this has to be a place where you "let go, let God"...and believe that even if you are hurt by another, it is somehow a part of God's big plan.

Most often it is through the experiences in life that scar us that we become the best testimonies. I mean, who wants dieting advice from someone who has never had to struggle with food in their life?

Yea, I have 2 deep wounds that have all three types of pain -- physical; mental; and spiritual, and praying to God about these wounds hasn't seem to help. Talked to a few Christian Friends and Family and even seen a doctor about one but to no avail; forutanely the Christian Friends, to the best of my knowledge have tried to help.

I know God hears and cares about me, but these wounds definitely have me confounded. Unless of course God wants to make me feel lower than a worm.

 

[blackribbon]

I know God hears and cares about me, but these wounds definitely have me confounded. Unless of course God wants to make me feel lower than a worm.

I know that as a nurse the activity of turning many patients so that they don't develop debilitating bedsores is a very painful act I have to do. However, my desire and goal is to ultimately help them and ease their pain. Should I stop with the pain that I must inflict today inorder to give them quality of life tomorrow?

I am still a "baby nurse" but I do have some knowledge and a butt load of books that I can reference if you want to address any of your physical or emotional issues here. The test I am studying for today is over pain management including coping techniques.

 

[MorkandMindy]

There are ways to deal with mental scars but just as you wouldn't look up how to fix your car in the Bible you are going to have to accept the same applies to traumatic memories and other mental scars and maladaptive learning.


I'm no expert but my limited understanding might I hope be helpful and may make some sense:

The brain is a trainable matrix of neurons where repeated use of pathways reinforces these pathways and also causes growth of new neurons in the areas most used giving further memory and processing power in those areas. And this gives the key: reinforcement of some pathways will change the way the brain works in those areas and this is how mental scars can be diminished and bypassed.

Until 20 or so years ago it was thought that because events very early in life cause the brain to grow neuron paths in particular ways that these led to incurable mental conditions, and events in the pre-verbal era had a long time to be reinforced and would also be permanent.

But it has since been found that the human brain has neuroplasticity and can even grow large numbers of new neurons and it is possible to totally change the emphasis in various areas that were inaccessible to reasoning alone.

I've found with people that the superficial areas I can access just by talking to them are often enough to fix pretty major problems. Basically we live in a pretty crazy society and some of the problems are not due to schemas and can be fixed just by learning how to deal with a situation.

But more profound ones require retraining the emotional parts of the brain. My understanding is that people out East have done that for millennia through meditation and more recently EMDR has been developed and should hopefully be a lot quicker.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Pride is a sin. It often gets in the way of allowing healing. We believe that we can fix ourselves and avoid being vulnerable to others.

Most often it is through the experiences in life that scar us that we become the best testimonies. I mean, who wants dieting advice from someone who has never had to struggle with food in their life?

I went from a still slightly naive young(ish) man to a bitter, burned-out 40-something in a little over 10 years. I was dealing with some pretty difficult circumstances. I remember having a prideful, defiant and also cynical, "bring it on" type of attitude whenever something bad happened (once you reach a certain age that type of attitude does not work anymore). Toward the end of those years I think I had become rather numb and in a way cold-hearted. I did not really have anyone to talk to and I would not have known what to say anyway. And I had a lot of silly, perfectionist ideas. For most of that time I was just a nominal Christian. Somehow I gradually grew beyond that. I am not sure how (not that I have my act together 100%). I sure don't see the way I coped with things as a model for anyone.

 

[blackribbon]

I sure don't see the way I coped with things as a model for anyone.

Yes...but you can recognize that behavior in someone else and be able to say "Brother, I know how you feel...let me tell you about better way to live life."

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

So recently, my step daughter has decided not to talk to me. Not really sure why except for some excerps that came out on her last rant. One thing she said to me really hurt and it wasn't only about me. She said her dad beat her because of me. First off he did not beat her ever, and he certainly did not discipline her because of me.
I am not mad at her, I just realized that the relationship I thought we had was not genuine on her part. I would still have a relationship with her, but I do not feel the need to grovel or apologize to her because I didn't do anything wrong and I have already apologized to her anyway.

I am happy to not have the drama of her life in mine anymore, but I don't like to be on anyone's "bad" list.

I also recently found out that while my husband was dying, my sister in law said to my niece "well her husband (which is my SIL's brother) might be dying, but she can't have my husband!" WHAT? First off, I have never hit on or insinuated that I was interested in ANYONE'S husband. I don't play that way. My SIL is kind of paranoid, but I had NO idea she actually thought I would seek HER husband (which I never would). So that kind of hurts but it's HER perception which is NOT reality so it doesnt' really bother me that much. It just made me wonder if other friends ever felt the same way or something IDK.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I would like to put forward an idea; I don't have experience of this sort of situation so it may be complete nonsense. Anyway here it is:

Step daughter is testing whether you do care about her. If you do care about her she will then decide you didn't cause her father to be nasty to her or whatever it was and will look for someone else to blame, or of course we hope - maybe something.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I would like to put forward an idea; I don't have experience of this sort of situation so it may be complete nonsense. Anyway here it is:

Step daughter is testing whether you do care about her. If you do care about her she will then decide you didn't cause her father to be nasty to her or whatever it was and will look for someone else to blame, or of course we hope - maybe something.

So you think she is waiting for me to grovel back to her? And she will always have someone to blame. Her sister is not talking to her and of course she thinks that no one in the family cares about her except her step dad and up til recently me, I'm just not up for the drama. If she contacts me I would want her to answer about the beatings but I'm not mad or holding any grudges. Sometimes we get what we say we want and if she wants to be separated she can have that. Although we should be careful what we ask for.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

Yes...but you can recognize that behavior in someone else and be able to say "Brother, I know how you feel...let me tell you about better way to live life."

In a way I think I did about as well as I could have done. I had some very high stress events and situations over a period of years so I was living with a prolonged unhealthy level of stress (I know many have experienced worse things than what I have experienced so I don't have to say much about stress and affliction). Things like that will change you as a person. You might even temporarily be a worse person until you are able to process/get through everything. I don't know that I would have much of anything helpful to say to anyone. I am very far from being the "victorious Christian" that any number of books and television preachers say you can be if only you try a little harder. I am very much in the "saved, yet so as through fire" category.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

In a way I think I did about as well as I could have done. I had some very high stress events and situations over a period of years so I was living with a prolonged unhealthy level of stress (I know many have experienced worse things than what I have experienced so I don't have to say much about stress and affliction). Things like that will change you as a person. You might even temporarily be a worse person until you are able to process/get through everything. I don't know that I would have much of anything helpful to say to anyone. I am very far from being the "victorious Christian" that any number of books and television preachers say you can be if only you try a little harder. I am very much in the "saved, yet so as through fire" category.

Well to me, that's what makes your Christianity authentic Dr. We don't (thankfully) have to be perfect or arrived to be used by God and sometimes we can be used when we don't think we are "ready" but God sees it differently. Just the simple fact that you persevere now in your Christianity is a witness and a testimony, I think.

 

[renewed21]

Alot of us have scars. Some are physical, and some are emotional.
Scars are not who you are, they are the story of where you have been.


Perception has to do with the senses and what we see.

Alot of times people are wrong about their perceptions.


Some of us would like to be blemish free inside and out, and of course that won't happen until eternity. Some of us hide our scars whether physical or emotional. Others don't care one way or the other.
Some people have a strong reaction to severe physical or emotional scars in others.

What should we do about any of this?

learn to realize that all of us are flawed. Learn to realize that all of us are beautiful. Love our brother. Love our sister. Love God.

 

[dayhiker]

This thread is starting to sound like what I hear at personal growth workshops.

LOVE it. We have great material as Christians

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Yes dayhiker we certainly do!

renewed....I agree with you but HOW can we do this?

It's kind of like when someone is depressed you can't just say to them "snap out of it you have ALOT to be thankful for" and have them go "OH you are right, I am no longer depressed"
Or if someone is too fat, you cannot assume that they only have to stop eating and/or exercise to get thin.
If someone does not feel beautiful, no matter how many times YOU tell them they are, they will not "feel" it until they can reconcile whatever it is in them that is making them feel not beautiful.
We all know that God loves us. We all know how we "should" feel and what we "should" do, but in most cases it's easier said than done.

Like my step daughter....IMO she makes herself the victim of her own life. Even when she has it GREAT she cannot accept that. SHE feels unworthy because of her past and her own thoughts. So unless and until she can reconcile those and KNOW that Jesus died for those AND forgave her....she cannot change her thoughts and probably will always have trouble.

SO...in dealing with our OWN "scars" HOW do we begin? Because we cannot fix anyone else and we can't even fix ourselves without the help of the Holy Spirit and Jesus.

 

[renewed21]

Bob Newhart Stop It - YouTube

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

That was funny! LOL