Scared

[PureGrace]

MAY TRIGGER

Hey everyone....long time no see

Things have been going well for awhile...and because of that, when I saw my counselor on Tuesday, she decided that we didn't have to continue our sessions because I was doing so well. Since she said that, I've pretty much crashed.

I cant even believe how pathetic I am. I mean, I know that everyone hates it when people act all self-pitying but hang in here with me for a minute, OK? When I look in the mirror...I see fat. In my face I see tiny spots of acne, and imperfections on my skin. In my stomach I see heaps of unwanted rolls. And whenever I express any of this to anyone, they dismiss it. "Oh Kate you're fine quit worrying" "Kate you're not fat, cut it out"...but they dont see what I see.

Any more, I can almost look at myself from their angle and cant help but hate myself. Part of me is screaming "What's wrong with you, you ugly freak?" while the other is saying "You're so stupid, just start eating and stop thinking bad things about yourself. It's that easy". It's like the whole devil/angel thing on the shoulders...but there is no angel!

I keep on eating, and later on I cant believe why I did it! I cant even stand myself. I'm at the end of my rope...please, please pray for me.

Kate

 

[Daysoni]

Hey Pure Grace,
Can you call your counslor or talk to your parents. Maybe quitting isn't the answer. Maybe there could be more time in betweeb your sessions. Untill your comfortable about not seeing her. Don't mess with this and wait tell it's out of control and has a hand on you. I will keep you in my prayers. It's hard being in your spot I know from experience. Keep your head up..................PRAYING FOR YOU................

 

[bumblebee62331]

Kate I haven't been there so I wouldn't know, but Daysoni gave good advice and I want to second the suggestion to keep going. Keep going to your psych, but gradually fade it out. It's like a smoker trying to quit cold turkey - you'll do better if you gradually smoke less cigarettes every day. Not that seeing a psych is bad for your health

Sorry sweetie, you know how weird I am

You are probably panicking because you know it's up to you now. You don't get to check in with your psych anymore and you're scared that you don't trust yourself to keep going with the progress. You will always have those thoughts, Kate, even if they aren't every day. I strongly believe that recovery isn't final and it is a conscious decision to control your mind and your eating habits. I strongly believe you are never completely cured.

You just have to control those thoughts but I strongly feel that if you are really feeling lost, confused and scared, that you keep going to your psych and try to faze the sessions out.

You can always talk to me, I know I go off on tangents and most of my advice is probably baloney, but I can listen if that's what you need.

And Kate, you are beautiful. I can honestly say that now because I have seen you. I wouldn't lie to you. Stay where you are, Kate, you have come so far. Don't give in now, I know it's hard and I know I am hypocritical, but I will be there for you as much as I can and as much as you want me to be there, until you find your feet again.

 

[navygirl]

kate,
have you tried seeking a partial program known for people with eating disorders. Or better yet gone to a hospital that treats them. I work at a hospital that we have both of those facilities in there. but it sounds as if you still need counseling and you need treatment for yourself. If i can be of further assistance just let me know.

 

[PureGrace]

I'm in school, plus dont have the kind of money laying around that would be required to go inpatient...and even out patient sounds way scary. I always doubt that I am not serious enough ed wise to start one. I mean, I still eat usually, just hate myself inwardly for it.

And since my counselor had me leave, I almost feel less trust in her. Does that make sense?

 

[Daysoni]

I understand your situation I have had to deal with my ED on a fixed income and sometimes on no income. Where I'm from I go to the local health dept. they see people on a sliding fee scale. We also have a counsling center that does the same thing. One thing that I want to let you know is something that alot of people don't realize outside of the ED warped world is that having a ED doesn't just have to deal with being to thin or to overweight. It's also not just about food or our feelings about that. The hardest part of my Ed is how I feel about and see my self. Untill I can get over that bump in the road I'm still going to keep getting stuck in the pothole. (symptoms) So try to get back to some counslor and take care of those feelings and thoughts that you are having. Do what you can to stay out of the potholes..

 

[PureGrace]

thanks for the info

 

[madison1101]

Sweetie,
do your parents have medical insurance? It could help you to seek an outpatient partial program. They are the safest places in the world for someone dealing with an ED. I was in one for 8 weeks, and it was great.

Tell your counselor that you are not ready to discontinue therapy, and that you need more help. It is okay to still need help. When you are ready, you will know you are ready.

 

[PureGrace]

Sweetie,
do your parents have medical insurance? It could help you to seek an outpatient partial program. They are the safest places in the world for someone dealing with an ED. I was in one for 8 weeks, and it was great.

Tell your counselor that you are not ready to discontinue therapy, and that you need more help. It is okay to still need help. When you are ready, you will know you are ready.

Yes, they do have med insurance. Just totally honest...I feel like Im not 'bad' enough to go to an outpatient program. Like...I really am still eating, and Im at a pretty normal weight (ugh!!), right now its just really my head thats messed up. I dont think they would take me seriously! Plus, I have NO idea where I would even start to look for one.

Another honest statement: Im scared to call my counselor again because it makes me feel weak, and pathetic. I couldnt make it 4 days without her, that is rediculous. I have pride issues, yes, in that I hate being seen as weak or less than normal, but yeah...Does that make sense?

Thanks to all of you for putting up with me

Kate

 

[bumblebee62331]

Yes, they do have med insurance. Just totally honest...I feel like Im not 'bad' enough to go to an outpatient program. Like...I really am still eating, and Im at a pretty normal weight (ugh!!), right now its just really my head thats messed up. I dont think they would take me seriously! Plus, I have NO idea where I would even start to look for one.

Another honest statement: Im scared to call my counselor again because it makes me feel weak, and pathetic. I couldnt make it 4 days without her, that is rediculous. I have pride issues, yes, in that I hate being seen as weak or less than normal, but yeah...Does that make sense?

Thanks to all of you for putting up with me

Kate

Kate you need to keep working on the mental thing. I don't think it's so much a physical thing anymore as a mental one. You need to get your head around so you are thinking positive thoughts etc and that's what you need your psych for. It's okay to need somebody. You have already come so far and that's because you asked for help. That's so much more than so many girls can ever do.

It's not a competition to see how long you can last without your psych. Think about how much damage that might do in just a few days. Sweetie, you need to make sure that you can go out on your own and keep your chin up and keep on with recovery. And for that, I think you need support from someone who knows you pretty well through your sessions - your psych. Honestly Kate, ask her if you can see her a few more times. Perhaps you could ask her if in these sessions coming up (that you will make with her ) if she can help you to prepare for leaving her? Does that make sense? Ask her to help you with how you might feel when you are no longer seeing her and ask her if she has any ideas of things you could do if you feel triggered or worried about what you are thinking.

It's a huge step to suddenly go out into the world by yourself and I don't think your psych handled it well at all, it was very sudden and weird that she cancelled your remaining appointments instead of making sure you were fine with it. Did you tell her how you felt when she suggested you stop? You need to be perfectly honest with her.

It's my belief that the mentality related to an ED is more dangerous than the physical side. Sure, you might have medical problems, but most of them can be fixed or controlled. But if you don't have control of your mentality, nothing can be fixed. You need to control your thoughts and turn them around so they are not damaging you. You have come so far. When you are talking to me and the other girls in our thread, I can see how far you have come from the girl you were perhaps a year ago. Does that make sense? You need some time to yourself, you need the support right now, and I am here to give it to you. Sorry this is long, I love you as a sister and I hate to see you struggling.

If you need to talk, PM me. Remember, it doesn't matter how much you are eating or if you are trying to stick to your recovery weight - if your mentality is still messed up, it's going to be very hard. And that's what your psych helps you with, so I think you shoudl still be going until you feel stronger within yourself and your thoughts.

Stay strong, Kate, know that people care for you and worry about you.

 

[PureGrace]

Thanks sis

We'll see about the counselor. I am very stubborn. I feel like it shows my weakness to call her. And I dont like to be weak. Oh well.

I handled this for 2 years myself, so its tempting to just do that again.

Im whining so much tonight Im sorry everyone

 

[bumblebee62331]

Thanks sis

We'll see about the counselor. I am very stubborn. I feel like it shows my weakness to call her. And I dont like to be weak. Oh well.

I handled this for 2 years myself, so its tempting to just do that again.

Im whining so much tonight Im sorry everyone

Kate sweetie, it's not weakness to call your psych, it's actually your strength shining through. How much strength does it take to make that phone call and tell her that you need her again? Weakness is not making that call.

You handled it by yourself? How well did you do, Kate? I don't mean to be mean, but you are doing so well with getting help and support - don't give in now!! This woman has helped you already, hasn't she? It would be nice if she could help you more, until you are on your feet again.

Please PM me if you want to talk.

Sorry, I sound like a right old cow in this post...