Scared and Hopeless

[Goobersmooch]

Hi I am new to this board but I needed to post here. I am bi-polar and I'm struggling with my new meds and also all the stressors going on in my life. My husband and I are both unemployed and believe me there are some other BIG ones but I dont feel comfortable talking about them to strangers right now. All I can say is they are really bad. Okay now that that's over. I thought my husband would be okay with me not working right now with all the problems i am having and plus i got fired for going to the hospital for depression. how does he expect me to keep a job even if I CAN get one which IU doubt I can. so im stressed because he is saying i need to start looking tomorrow. it is now 1:42 am and I can't sleep. I'm so scared and depressed and I just don't know what to do. There is a lot I can not discuss on here because of rules so I will leave it at that. Before the typical questions come up i will answer the FAQ YES I am taking my meds, My next appt with the psych is April 19th, no I have VERY bad luck with Therapists so I wont go back to one. And no I will not ever let myself be hospitalized again. The last time I did it was the worst experience I have ever had!

Melanie

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Gobersmooch


I can feel your pain. You are definitely in the throws of this worlds problems.




I had the same problem with being hospitalized. My very first stay ( committed ) was for 28 VERY LONG days.


But after that stay I fell in such deep clinical depression that I went back in on my own for 4 days. It was such a relief to me when they locked the doors because then I couldn't carry out my plan.



They found that I was on the wrong meds and switched them IMMEDIATLY.



Well that started me on the road to recovery. It took a long time to get on just the right meds but I FINALLY did.



I have been on these meds for about 4 years now and I can't even tell I'm taking them but my life has been very GOOD.



You are the one that has to make health care decisions. In this case your husband should have NO choice. You must forgive them because they just don't know what we go through.



Don't tell yourself what you WON'T do and be willing to do whatever it takes to have a good life.
We bipolars are very strong willed. My recovery was greatly delayed because I REFUSED certain meds.



Many folks have to deal with recovery from illegal drugs. I don't know if this is your problem but if it is, it would be good to talk about it. The reason I bring this up is I see many struggle through this and I have found it's really helps to have an understanding of this.



I have a very difficult time trying to advise you dear when I know very little. But don't feel pressured to give something you not comfortable with.


The folks here are very good and caring. They will do all in their power to help you. I hope you feel welcome here.


WE DO NOT WANT TO LOSE YOU!!!



While my heart is sad for you, all I can tell you right now is from GOD'S WORD:

" GIVE HEED TO THE PHYSICIAN "


DEAR DON'T GIVE UP AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:




XEven though you can't see Him, GOD is there!O
( click on the X and move to the O ) ( then feel who is around you )

 

[Goobersmooch]

Well I have never done drugs or alcohol i dont even smoke. i have always been strong on this front. I hate the taste of alcohol, hate the smell of smoke and do not like what i've seen drugs do to other people. I dont judge people who do this it's just my belief has always been this way. I stopped taking my meds in July last year because i felt better and didnt have insurance anymore or money they were expensive. January 06 came along and i felt depressed so i went to my family doctor(couldnt afford my psychiatrist) I got back on meds. lithium, lexapro and welbutrin xl. Feb came along and i wasn't better plus the lithium made me dizzy and i couldnt focus at work. no insurance and no money since my hubby was laid off so i called the doc and asked if he could presrib over the phone. he did better than that he gave me samples of everything i needed. and changed me over to seroquel. Well Feb 12th I was raped by my husband and i had been suicidal off and on for 3 weeks before that. the meds hadn't kicked in so i got worse. on Feb 22nd My doctor ordered me to go to the hospital because i was cutting. it wasnt for the same reason others do it i was trying to kill myself. so i went in. when i came out my boss let me go. well again my med increase was new to me and not in my system yet and so for weeks after that i tried to cope with it on my own. March 9th I Od'd and they put me in the hospital again. this time was different with any other visit. You see I dont usually like it when they lock the doors on me. i get paranoid. i was locked in somewhere and abused when i was a child so i get clausterphobic especially when i know someone else has control over my coming and going. plus this time i was in holding for 2 days. where the really scary people were at and all i could do was lay there. no therapy programs nothing i could not do anything for 2 days! That would drive a normal person insane. I wanted out and I got desperate. My mom and husband were not willing for me to come home and the case worker listened to them and not me. he also thought i was a liar because he believed something my husband said to him that was contradictory to what i said! so at this point my paranoia got worse! I believed my mom, husband, and this case worker would never let me leave. Someone else was in control of my life and I was so scared. anyways, I decided if I ever get out of here I will never come back again. if i do anything it will be permanent. of course that is mainly why i am still here. im afraid to die. So I have this major spiritual battle within me now.uhmm i hope i didn't like give you too much information and your over there saying "I didnt need to know all of that" I was so scared when i first wrote that message this morning at 3 am. Im trying not to let fear control me right now. I'm sorry i really dont want to be a burden to anyone. if i said too much you can tell me and i will stop.

Melanie

Dear Gobersmooch


I can feel your pain. You are definitely in the throws of this worlds problems.




I had the same problem with being hospitalized. My very first stay ( committed ) was for 28 VERY LONG days.


But after that stay I fell in such deep clinical depression that I went back in on my own for 4 days. It was such a relief to me when they locked the doors because then I couldn't carry out my plan.



They found that I was on the wrong meds and switched them IMMEDIATLY.



Well that started me on the road to recovery. It took a long time to get on just the right meds but I FINALLY did.



I have been on these meds for about 4 years now and I can't even tell I'm taking them but my life has been very GOOD.



You are the one that has to make health care decisions. In this case your husband should have NO choice. You must forgive them because they just don't know what we go through.



Don't tell yourself what you WON'T do and be willing to do whatever it takes to have a good life.
We bipolars are very strong willed. My recovery was greatly delayed because I REFUSED certain meds.



Many folks have to deal with recovery from illegal drugs. I don't know if this is your problem but if it is, it would be good to talk about it. The reason I bring this up is I see many struggle through this and I have found it's really helps to have an understanding of this.



I have a very difficult time trying to advise you dear when I know very little. But don't feel pressured to give something you not comfortable with.


The folks here are very good and caring. They will do all in their power to help you. I hope you feel welcome here.


WE DO NOT WANT TO LOSE YOU!!!



While my heart is sad for you, all I can tell you right now is from GOD'S WORD:

" GIVE HEED TO THE PHYSICIAN "


DEAR DON'T GIVE UP AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:




XEven though you can't see Him, GOD is there!O
( click on the X and move to the O ) ( then feel who is around you )

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Gobersmooch




I know it doesn't help to hear: " BEEN THERE-DONE THAT " But in this case you must know that it is true and I know exactly where your coming from.



I am a veteran and get my treatment at the VA medical center. THANK GOD because my cost is VERY small for my stays and MEDS.




I used to really enjoy going there UNTILL I was LOCKED DOWN for 28 DAYS!!! It took me a long time before I got to feeling good about that place again. My whole attitude changed. But it was not the VA, it was ME.




Now I feel good again about the VA and will go there anytime I need to. I have regular apts. there.




NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!!!


GOD'S WORD says:

" We shall not take our own life " & " GIVE HEED TO THE PHYSICIAN"




In the worst of times keep this in your mind. I did and it was the ONLY thing that saved my life.




Most folks have no idea of the REAL PAIN of clinical depression.




Go to the mental health dept. Cost is mainly FREE!
Do absolutely everything you can do to overcome this because YOU CAN!!!




If things get real bad call the sheriffs dept. and tell them your going to kill yourself unless them come right now. You should get IMMEDIATE attention and the care you need without all the RED TAPE. NO INSURANCE INFORMATION REQUIRED!!




Dear do whatever must be done and have FAITH in GOD that HE will see you through. ALL HE asked of us is to do our BEST and HE takes care of the REST!!




NO MATTER WHAT ALWAYS REMEMBER:





XEven though you can't see Him, GOD is there!O
( click on the X and move to the O ) ( then feel who is around you )

 

[wonderwaleye]

Dear Gobersmooch



I really don't like to suggest this but I feel I would do you an injustice if I didn't.



With what you told me, or not even considering what you told me, I think you should know that if you were separated from your husband and was living in different living quarters you may well qualify for GOV. ASSISTANCE.



MEDICADE.




ALSO check on SOCIAL SECURITY DISIBILTY. Even if you didn't work you may still be eligible from your husbands.




JUST DO WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO BECOME A SURVIVOR
SO THAT YOU MAY SERVE GOD!




LOVE YOUR SOUL! steven





XEven though you can't see Him, GOD is there!O
( click on the X and move to the O ) ( then feel who is around you )

 

[Zita123]

Hi I am new to this board but I needed to post here. I am bi-polar and I'm struggling with my new meds and also all the stressors going on in my life. My husband and I are both unemployed and believe me there are some other BIG ones but I dont feel comfortable talking about them to strangers right now. All I can say is they are really bad. Okay now that that's over. I thought my husband would be okay with me not working right now with all the problems i am having and plus i got fired for going to the hospital for depression. how does he expect me to keep a job even if I CAN get one which IU doubt I can. so im stressed because he is saying i need to start looking tomorrow. it is now 1:42 am and I can't sleep. I'm so scared and depressed and I just don't know what to do. There is a lot I can not discuss on here because of rules so I will leave it at that. Before the typical questions come up i will answer the FAQ YES I am taking my meds, My next appt with the psych is April 19th, no I have VERY bad luck with Therapists so I wont go back to one. And no I will not ever let myself be hospitalized again. The last time I did it was the worst experience I have ever had!

Melanie

I have been there!! I was sooo scared of telling my husband that I couldn't work because he kept saying, you can work!! I finally had the pdoc tell my husband about bi-polar, he still doesn;'t understand but, he doesn't pressure me now to work only to clean and cook and I have a hard time with that!! Just keep the faith!!!
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!
Zita

 

[TexasGirl06]

Hi Melanie....

You are being brave, for reaching out. Good for you. I know it is hard.
I believe Satan wants us to feel bad when we reach out to others with our pain. He knows the benefit of supportive friends. He knows how powerful the Love of Christ is.

Without the shed blood of Jesus, we are hopeless.
You... have all the reason in the world to be hopeful.

God has His people in most places right now. Yes, he even has them in psychiatric facilities, support groups, etc.... and, yes....some of them suffer with Bipolar Disorder.
You are there....so that God can use you in His Kingdom.

I am going to lift you before the throne of our Lord Jesus, after I send this post. He loves you so much. And, He has a plan for your life.

And let us never forget that if it is His will, He can heal any illness.

Be Blessed,

TexasGirl06

 

[Lilli]

Dear Melanie,
I wish I had some magic words to utter to you that would make everything better. But I don't. I'm sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now. May it give you some comfort to know that we are praying for you.

Lilli

 

[Goobersmooch]

Where in Texas do you live? I live in Garland which is near Dallas!

Hi Melanie....

You are being brave, for reaching out. Good for you. I know it is hard.
I believe Satan wants us to feel bad when we reach out to others with our pain. He knows the benefit of supportive friends. He knows how powerful the Love of Christ is.

Without the shed blood of Jesus, we are hopeless.
You... have all the reason in the world to be hopeful.

God has His people in most places right now. Yes, he even has them in psychiatric facilities, support groups, etc.... and, yes....some of them suffer with Bipolar Disorder.
You are there....so that God can use you in His Kingdom.

I am going to lift you before the throne of our Lord Jesus, after I send this post. He loves you so much. And, He has a plan for your life.

And let us never forget that if it is His will, He can heal any illness.

Be Blessed,

TexasGirl06

 

[Goobersmooch]

Thank you all for all the things you have said to me. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get back here. Last night was a terrible night. You see i have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for like a month now. Well last night a friend i met on another board im'd me and told me she was going to kill herself. Well she has said this before but i always take her seriously. the day before she said she had several plans and told me of one of them. Well I only know her name and the state she lives in and they were not listed under her name but her roomates name which i did not have. All of a sudden she stopped talking to me and I couldn't get her to talk to me anymore. for 2 hours I balled because I had no clue what happened and felt like it was all my fault. I was having a nervous breakdown and all my husband could say to me is i was overreacting and this girl was messing with my head. He was so cold and heartless to me. he said he wanted to take me to Terrell because of how i was acting.i called my mom and she calmed me down and i prayed with another friend who called me back. i felt peace somewhat after that. although my husband was still yelling at me. I feel like I was trying to do the right thing and I was being told how wrong i was for having an emotion about it. Well 2 hours later she got back on and said she was sorry that her roomate kicked her off the computer and we talked i got her phone number which i looked up on the internet and got the city and state and bookmarked it. then got the police dept phone number and book marked it as well. so if it happens again i will have no reason to panic at all. My eyes still hurt from crying so much and i feel so drained i nearly slept the day away. Was I wrong? I mean all i wanted him to do was to try to help me and all he could say was i don't care about her! im just glad my other friend who has helped me in the past 2 weeks didnt have a husband saying that too her. If she'd given up on me i wouldn't be here right now. the way i have been treated by some online christians(not here) would have sent me over the edge if it hadn't been for this one friend. she wont give up on me and because of her God is slowly but surely changing me. You see this girl i talked to last night says the same exact things to me that i say to everyone and myself as well. So who better to know what to say to her then me? i know exactly what she wants to hear and what she should hear from God. This so called Christian from the other board could have helped me find her last night he had info on the roomate and could have looked her up and called them. All he could do is tell my husband(I was banned) how huge of a mistake it is that im helping this girl. he said it's like a tornado trying to calm down a huricane. then he said that Allen needed to unplug my computer and throw it out the window. Here I was worried about this person's life and all this guy could do was trash me instead of helping this girl.

Sorry just needed to vent.

Melanie

 

[TexasGirl06]

Hey Melanie..
I am in San Antonio.

 

[Goobersmooch]

Well not that close but still it's nice to meet a fellow Texan anyways!

 

[TexasGirl06]

Well not that close but still it's nice to meet a fellow Texan anyways!

Yes. Indeed.
Do you like my Texas Flag....... next to my character?
A fellow poster gave it to me.
Isn't that nice?

 

[Goobersmooch]

Yes. Indeed.
Do you like my Texas Flag....... next to my character?
A fellow poster gave it to me.
Isn't that nice?

That is neat! I didn't see that before.

 

[Goobersmooch]

Hey guys. I was at the clinic today and some of the patients were telling me that what i was taking Valproic acid(Depakote) was bad for people with Diabetes! Why would a doctor give a person who has stated they are diabetic something that will mess up their sugar. im so frustrated about this. that plus i keep having ups and downs and right now im feeling abandoned by all my friends. i was supposed to go walking with one tonight and she never showed up, didnt call, and didnt answer her phone at home. shes not the only one though. I just seem to always scare people off. I must be horrible!

 

[Alive again]

Hey guys. I was at the clinic today and some of the patients were telling me that what i was taking Valproic acid(Depakote) was bad for people with Diabetes! Why would a doctor give a person who has stated they are diabetic something that will mess up their sugar. im so frustrated about this. that plus i keep having ups and downs and right now im feeling abandoned by all my friends. i was supposed to go walking with one tonight and she never showed up, didnt call, and didnt answer her phone at home. shes not the only one though. I just seem to always scare people off. I must be horrible!

NO YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE!!!!! That is a lie straight from the pit of hell. YOU ARE a Beloved Daughter of the KING OF KINGS, A true princess, never forget this! And when those other thoughts come rushing in, take them captive like the Bible teaches and fill your mind with the truth from God!

Blessings and Prayers!

 

[angelkiss]

Aww sweetie, you're not horrible at all. It's hard living in a world where a lot of people don't understand you. When I mention bipolar to some people I get a and they feel they should run for they fear that I'm going to rip them to shreds. I just let them know that I'm like everyone else, I just don't deal with stress as well as most.
Having a hubby that don't understand what you're going through is one of the most frustrating things for a relationship. I've been having that problem for a little over two years now, and it drives me crazy. I suggest that you pull up all the info you can and let him see what this illness really does to people. Work is not an option for me personally. I have quit my share due to episodes that were getting hard to handle in the public. You're in my prayers, and if you ever need to talk drop me a pm.
God Bless!

 

[Goobersmooch]

Thank you guys. I appreciate all of your kind words. I feel kind of alone right now. My husband told me the other night that he has fantasized about being with my best friend. She's taller, has gorgeous red hair and is thinner. He told me not to obsess over it even though what I just described about her was what he said.

I'm attaching a pic of both of us. She is the one with Red hair and her new husband is in the pic.That was their wedding day. I can't stop thinking about it. I just dont know what to do. She has always gotten the guy and she has always been prettier then me to everyone i know. In high school she stole the guy i liked. He didn't have the same feelings for me but he sure liked her.

Thanks for your encouraging words.

 

[TexasGirl06]

Goobersmooch.....
Get your focus off of all of those yucky thoughts.
Get your focus onto God....and His precious Word !

Read the Bible.
He loves you so much !
Read about it...over and over !

When He created you, He had a great purpose in mind !
Defeat what Satan is trying to do to you.

Get into His Word.
Do it now !!!!

Be Blessed,

TexasGirl06

 

[Yusuphhai]

Hellow Goober,

Maybe you are not very beautiful, but you are kind; That is much more precious. Please have Faith to(in) Him.Praying for you.

Love, Yusuph