None of my family are Christians... Even so, I've always believed in God. It just took a while for me to realise He believed in me. I was invited to the baptism of 2 of my friends on September 8th '02, and went along "just this once". I gave my life to God for the first time that night and have been going to church ever since. I was baptised on February 16th '03. But that's just the start - nothing compared to what's happened since then!
In May '03 I cut myself for the first time. I didn't realise then that it would lead me down a long, difficult and lonely road. I was also struggling with an eating disorder, but that wasn't entirely a new experience for me - just that this time was worse, and it wouldn't go away. I told my youth pastor about the SI not long after I started, but no one knew about my ED. Slowly I was getting worse, and drifting further from God, but I carried with me a desire to get well. The only reason I still went to church was so that no one noticed anything was wrong.
Slowly, that desire I'd had got smaller and smaller, until it was no longer there at all. By this time, everyone had given up on me. They couldn't see that I needed their support...
In July '04 I went on a youth mission called 'Soul in the City' - a week long mission organised in London by Soul Survivor. My eating was really bad by then, and that week I barely ate anything. My yp was extremely worried, and kept 'nagging' me to eat. At the time I was just frustrated, but in hindsight I can see that it was only because he cared. By the end of the week, I'd resolved to eat again, and to be 'normal'. It didn't last long though.
I had many times like that one. An experience I'd had at church made me try to recover, but I was never looking in the right place. People couldn't help me, and I was too weak to reach out to God for the help I needed. No experience could ever make me change - it needed to be a heartfelt decision to rely on God to get me through the hard times.
Christmas '04 made me think a lot. I wanted to be over this stuff. I wanted to rely on God. I wanted to have the freedom that Jesus paid for with His blood. That was the last time I really battled with my ED. I had a couple of relapses, but nothing major - God saved me and the decision was truly in my heart by then. I also said I'd never SI again, but that didn't turn out so well.
At the end of January '05 I was abused by someone I knew. It took me so long to get over that, and I couldn't trust guys the same for a long time after that. I was cracking under the pressure of that secret (I was too ashamed to tell anyone) and was starting to get the familiar feeling of not being able to cope without cutting. I cut again at the end of February, just once, but I felt awful about it. I said once again that I'd quit for good, but willpower alone was never enough. Everyone had given up on me, except God. He was more than enough, and He provided for me a person in my life who would prove to be more support than anyone had before; someone who would never give up on me, and on the knowledge that God would save me.
Rich first came to church in the summer '04 - when I was at the height of my ED. In '05, we started to get to know each other a bit more. Slowly I opened up to him... But not without knowing I was doing the right thing. I felt God telling me that I should tell him, because he is the one God wanted me to be with. That was just weird - Rich was nothing more than a friend to me, and I had no plans of changing that! I wasn't ready for it - not with everything going on in my head. But God used him amazingly. Rich helped me to see that I could trust guys again. He helped me to be able to forgive the guy who hurt me. And he always told me he loved me. If anything, the more he knew about me, the more he said it!
In June, I went through about a week of cutting. This was worse though. In that one week, my total number of cuts doubled - that's how intense it was. Even so, Rich was my stronghold. He helped me through it and he helped me to trust God through it all. I thank God for Him every day!
I now haven't cut for over 7 months, and Rich and I have been together the same amount of time. God used him to get through to me, to save me once again.
I've learnt not to rely on experiences or feelings to tell me how close God is. What matters is what's in His Word. I am learning daily to rely on Him and am now closer to Him than ever. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but the Word says that we should "Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8) I know that God is always here, He is my help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1) and I will trust in Him whatever else comes my way.
Praise God.
In May '03 I cut myself for the first time. I didn't realise then that it would lead me down a long, difficult and lonely road. I was also struggling with an eating disorder, but that wasn't entirely a new experience for me - just that this time was worse, and it wouldn't go away. I told my youth pastor about the SI not long after I started, but no one knew about my ED. Slowly I was getting worse, and drifting further from God, but I carried with me a desire to get well. The only reason I still went to church was so that no one noticed anything was wrong.
Slowly, that desire I'd had got smaller and smaller, until it was no longer there at all. By this time, everyone had given up on me. They couldn't see that I needed their support...
In July '04 I went on a youth mission called 'Soul in the City' - a week long mission organised in London by Soul Survivor. My eating was really bad by then, and that week I barely ate anything. My yp was extremely worried, and kept 'nagging' me to eat. At the time I was just frustrated, but in hindsight I can see that it was only because he cared. By the end of the week, I'd resolved to eat again, and to be 'normal'. It didn't last long though.
I had many times like that one. An experience I'd had at church made me try to recover, but I was never looking in the right place. People couldn't help me, and I was too weak to reach out to God for the help I needed. No experience could ever make me change - it needed to be a heartfelt decision to rely on God to get me through the hard times.
Christmas '04 made me think a lot. I wanted to be over this stuff. I wanted to rely on God. I wanted to have the freedom that Jesus paid for with His blood. That was the last time I really battled with my ED. I had a couple of relapses, but nothing major - God saved me and the decision was truly in my heart by then. I also said I'd never SI again, but that didn't turn out so well.
At the end of January '05 I was abused by someone I knew. It took me so long to get over that, and I couldn't trust guys the same for a long time after that. I was cracking under the pressure of that secret (I was too ashamed to tell anyone) and was starting to get the familiar feeling of not being able to cope without cutting. I cut again at the end of February, just once, but I felt awful about it. I said once again that I'd quit for good, but willpower alone was never enough. Everyone had given up on me, except God. He was more than enough, and He provided for me a person in my life who would prove to be more support than anyone had before; someone who would never give up on me, and on the knowledge that God would save me.
Rich first came to church in the summer '04 - when I was at the height of my ED. In '05, we started to get to know each other a bit more. Slowly I opened up to him... But not without knowing I was doing the right thing. I felt God telling me that I should tell him, because he is the one God wanted me to be with. That was just weird - Rich was nothing more than a friend to me, and I had no plans of changing that! I wasn't ready for it - not with everything going on in my head. But God used him amazingly. Rich helped me to see that I could trust guys again. He helped me to be able to forgive the guy who hurt me. And he always told me he loved me. If anything, the more he knew about me, the more he said it!
In June, I went through about a week of cutting. This was worse though. In that one week, my total number of cuts doubled - that's how intense it was. Even so, Rich was my stronghold. He helped me through it and he helped me to trust God through it all. I thank God for Him every day!
I now haven't cut for over 7 months, and Rich and I have been together the same amount of time. God used him to get through to me, to save me once again.
I've learnt not to rely on experiences or feelings to tell me how close God is. What matters is what's in His Word. I am learning daily to rely on Him and am now closer to Him than ever. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but the Word says that we should "Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8) I know that God is always here, He is my help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1) and I will trust in Him whatever else comes my way.
Praise God.
lol). When you can't do anymore, that's when it's time to turn it over to God. Isn't it great to know that He will always love us, even when those around us give up, and even when we give up on ourselves
!
