Sad for my husband - please help

[GloryBeeMe]

Hello there. I'm new and hoping and praying for answers. There isn't anyone I can share this with (with the exception of my best girl friend who prays hard for my husband) so I decided to come to a safe neutral place.

My husband has bulimia and I have no idea how to help him. Before I realized it was really bulimia I thought his throwing up was just fluke occurances. Then I started noticing patterns. Now I realize it's a very common occurance and happens during stressful points when his self esteem is exceedingly low.

I realize he has no confidence. He used to be overweight and (I'm guessing through bulimia and a very poor diet) got to a weight he was satisfied with and maintained that pretty well. Then he got injured and was unable to go to work and put a little weight back on.

I have asked our family counselor for ideas and he says keep encouraging him, complementing him, etc. I work hard for him in our family business, take care of the house kids, and occasionally work out of home. I also am involved in another big project that I worry makes him feel insignificant.

His father is cruel, family disfunctional, and he constantly strives for his father's approval. This in turn creates a...well, we will say altogether it's sometimes pretty rotten.

I can share more if needed...I just need to know how to help him. When he gets down on himself he is downright (though carefully) cruel in how he treats me. I understand and ache for him...but I know I can't be totally silent, yet have to be careful in how I approach things.

Thank you...

 

[princesspeach5280]

I'm not quite sure how to help him, but I'll keep you and him in my prayers.

 

[GloryBeeMe]

I'm not quite sure how to help him, but I'll keep you and him in my prayers.

Thank you. I appreciate it

 

[RuthD]

Have you talked to your husband about his bulimia? Maybe you can get him to go to a counselor for help. I am praying for him and you.

 

[GloryBeeMe]

Have you talked to your husband about his bulimia? Maybe you can get him to go to a counselor for help. I am praying for him and you.

I honestly dont think he views it as bulimia. When I've brought up noticing it before it's always "my stomach hurt". Maybe now that it's much more frequent he realizes it, but I doubt it. I think the stress of eating food frustrates him and he gets a stomach ache (not realizing the stress caused it) and so he throws up to feel better. Like he's in denial. Is this possible?

I'm afraid if I "label" it, it'll make him feel worse? I don't know...

 

[DZoolander]

Just out of curiosity - how tall is he and what does he weigh? Is it all a figment of his imagination, or is he pretty fat?

I only ask that - because there are different types of weight neurosis IMHO. There are like the anorexic type models/Karen Carpenter types where no degree of thin is thin enough... then there's the morbidly obese who truly *do* have a weight problem. While there are FAR better ways of approaching weight loss and food than bulimia - I can at least see where the truly fat person is coming from and why they're doing it.

So - is it neurotic - or does he really have a weight problem where maybe some appropriate and sane food counseling might do him some good?

 

[joseph10]

The problem with your husband comes from a spiritual problem. Do you and he read the bible and go to church.

 

[RuthD]

I honestly dont think he views it as bulimia. When I've brought up noticing it before it's always "my stomach hurt". Maybe now that it's much more frequent he realizes it, but I doubt it. I think the stress of eating food frustrates him and he gets a stomach ache (not realizing the stress caused it) and so he throws up to feel better. Like he's in denial. Is this possible?

I'm afraid if I "label" it, it'll make him feel worse? I don't know...

I believe telling him what it may be may start to bring him out of denial. I'm still praying here.

 

[GloryBeeMe]

The problem with your husband comes from a spiritual problem. Do you and he read the bible and go to church.

I think this is the biggest issue here. I read the Bible and LOVE church. He on the other hand, tries to read the Bible and sometimes attends church. He loathes the church we've been going to for years now and wants to switch to a much different church ( I firmly believe he knows the church family really has IT and doesn't like feeling...that he is missing something? The church he wants to attend is empty of relationship with God and just views Sunday service as a check off the old list. Much more comfy for him lol I feel he will see a HUGE difference and this change will lead to a lot more growth for him..I hope). He doesn't have a desire to do a Bible study or hang with guys that do either. He's a VERY independant person. I've seen so much growth since our marriage and have no difficulty believing he "knows" God, but his relationship is stagnant and non existant. Can't blame him. Why would he want to know a Father after the relationship he has had with his earthly father. I know I struggled with that as well. And when you've done everything for yourself your entire life with not love from family, why would you feel you have to trust Someone else? Of course, we know the answer to that...I don't think he does yet. I'm afraid he is up for a big painful humbling check...I just pray it doesn't happen while our kids are young...they can't handle much more. Or maybe in God's great wisdom, seeing their dad experience that would be good for them too. yeah...that's probaby the best answer...

 

[GloryBeeMe]

I believe telling him what it may be may start to bring him out of denial. I'm still praying here.

Thank you...I'm praying for the courage, wisdom of the best time, and wisdom for words...God's words, laced with love for him. And his heart to be softened for it.

 

[joseph10]

Pray that God will reveal himself to you husband as Father. And that He will open his heart to know Fathers Gods love.

 

[JeremyWW]

So sorry to hear about your struggles. A few thoughts are that you're right, its more than a weight issues. There are obviously emotional and spiritual things at work. There are a variety of programs, in patient and out patient, available that might be worth looking into. In terms of counseling Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective approach to eating disorders type challenges. From bulimia and anorexia to obesity. I can imagine its hard to talk with him about. I would be curious if talking about how it can effect your kids is a point of leverage, for lack of a better term, to help him seek help.
Healthy Blessings